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RE: How long does one normally keep looking before givi... - 5/16/2006 11:57:17 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
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Have you set the bar too high? Only you can know. If your bar says she must be exactly {insert a list of 200 things}, you may have set the bar too high, but for what reason? It's not unheard of that someone will be unreasonably nitpicky thereby sabotaging any chance he/she may get to know and connect with another human being intimately.

I would say my bar is set high, but I have a short list of must be/have in terms of character/characteristics without which I'd rather remain single than settle. I have found myself caring for and loving one or two men that I would otherwise not pick from a photo, but got to know him/them, and found a great mind/spirit, and I tend to be a sucker for those. M

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a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 41

RE: How long does one normally keep looking before givi... - 5/17/2006 12:29:23 AM

LdyS

Posts: 39
Joined: 4/21/2006
Status: offline

Good question! Great advice! I could not resist adding my own two pence:
How long is too long for looking for anything? I guess the answer depends on what you will do when you cut your losses (so to speak) and stop looking.
If the consequences of stopping or not looking at all are greater than the consequences (whatever they may be) of continuing to look... ... "Looking for Love/The One / (insert desired object here)" Keep Looking!
If you have already determined that your 'bar is not too high'; you have done critical due dilligance and know that you are looking for something that actually exists on earth in these days and times... and you have 'objectively' determined that your method of 'looking' where you are looking, how/when you conduct the search (etc) are in line and likely to lead you to your desired outcome... then all that is left is Time. Right Time - if only we could know with certainty WHEN the Right Time and Right Place will align.
Others have offered you words of hope and encouragement. There is a strong vein of “Don’t give up” in the BDSM‘community’ at large, I think. So many of us have ‘been there done that’... The School of Hard Knocks graduates many good people, Tops and bottoms.
Once the pragmatic analyses of Looking and What it is you Seek are completed (I echo the words of many others) I encourage you to live life to the fullest, with or without a 'date' or 'prospective mate'. Volunteer at events, take DM training (Dungeon Monitor) go to Munches. Be comfortable with yourself and offer your skills and services for things that need doing at events where people you want to meet are apt to gather. If you are an event volunteer, you will meet people. If you befriend people, they will introduce you to others. Time passes, good memories are made. The success stories are out there (some shared in this thread) people do meet and hook up and are happily ever after for years!
Of course if you are limited to online (for whatever reason) makes it a bit more difficult. Being a consistent ‘entertaining voice of reason’ in the chat room – a regular - perhaps, earning OP status in a popular BDSM chat room will put you in the way of making friends who will then introduce you to other friends who … well… it has happened.
Best wishes- LdyS

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Mistaking kindness for weakness is a serious mistake.

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

Post #: 42

RE: How long does one normally keep looking before givi... - 5/17/2006 3:19:52 AM

cuddleheart50

Posts: 9718
Joined: 2/20/2006
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Najakcharmer

If the cookie tastes like ass, you probably shouldn't eat it. Unless ass cookies are your kink.

Ass cookies are not my kink..lol....Benji just made me hungry, mentioniong that cookie..lol

_____________________________

Dance like no one is watching,
Sing like no one is listening.
Love like you've never been hurt
and live like it's heaven on Earth.

(in reply to Najakcharmer)

Post #: 43

RE: How long does one normally keep looking before givi... - 5/17/2006 4:32:06 AM

twicehappy

Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

Never give up, take a break when you need to but do not ever quit. I looked for six long years before finding my two. It is hard but do not settle either, it is not worth the heartache. You are such a sweety, someone is out there for you.

_____________________________

Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 44

RE: How long does one normally keep looking before givi... - 5/17/2006 6:43:35 AM

gooddogbenji

Posts: 5094
Joined: 11/15/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Reflectivesoul

benji baby,

I am not biting your ass lol Like I know where that things been!

*uses some tongs n pinches his ass with those instead*

Thats just gonna have to do doll lol

~RS~

That'll do, just harder, and with your teeth.

Thanks!

Yours,

benji

_____________________________

Prevent global warming. Stop burning patchouli.

(in reply to Reflectivesoul)

Post #: 45

RE: How long does one normally keep looking before givi... - 5/17/2006 6:59:09 AM

Reflectivesoul

Posts: 1777
Joined: 4/25/2006
Status: offline

benji,

*laughs*

* grips down harder with the tongs n tugs a bit*

There ya go sweets..

( we better take this down to the other thread cause otherwise they are gonna lose their topic to the stupidity section and thats not gonna be nice lol )

(in reply to gooddogbenji)

Post #: 46

RE: How long does one normally keep looking before givi... - 5/17/2006 9:15:15 AM

Proprietrix

Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
Status: offline

This is a question I see posted in numerous forms, but the pages and pages of answers all seem the same "Hang in there, love will come. Patience is the answer. You'll eventually find the "one."
I personally don't believe any of that. And I think that when people continually hold out that kind of hope for Mr. or Ms. Right, they find a lot of discomfort in continuously "flaunting" their own loneliness in their own face.

A lot of people have an issue with "settling" or lowering their expectations, so they continue to "hold out" for "the one".
I don't believe there is a "one", or a perfect match, or a Mr/Ms Right. I think we should learn to make and maintain relationships with those around us. So the sub at the local munch isn't "everything I ever dreamed of". He's still a pretty fun guy to hang out with, and at the minimum, I've made a friend.

Sometimes people look at the world around them full of happy couples and wondered why they can't seem to find Mr/Ms Right, like all those people do. It's the same conclusion everytime. Those couples are happy with what they have, instead of continuing to search for what they dream of.

I think it starts at a base point of being happy with oneself.
I'm happy with who and what I am, so I feel no need to find that "perfect partner" who will be able to fill the gaps. If I'm bored, I need to learn to amuse myself instead of waiting for someone to come along who will amuse me. If I'm longing, I need to learn to please myself instead of waiting for someone who can please me.

Being fulfilled with me, I don't need to "hold out" for someone wonderful. I can accept those who come and go in my life, regardless of their flaws or their less than perfect being, or their inability to meet my set of standards.

Some relationships I won't go for because it's just way beyond my scope of "ok". I won't get involved with abusive people, or mentally unstable people. But other than that, I'm open for forming relationships with a wide variety of folks.

But part of my philosophy on this, is that I don't expect, or have a standard of, loving-coupled-monogamous-life-long partnerships. I'm open to dating different people. I'm open to someone living with me, knowing full well that they might move right back out 6 months down the road. I'm ok with having more than one submissive, of trying both subs and slaves, of just being friends. These are people whom I don't set a standard that they must commit to loving me and only me, forever and always.

It's ok to love me for a year and then move on to loving someone else. I'm not going to cry and feel heart-broken. I'm going to consider it a great time we had together. A time we both spent learning and growing. And a time now gone because we both moved forward, albeit seperately. Once you leave me, I'm still going to be happy and fulfilled with myself, and there are still a ton of people out there I can spend time with and enjoy.

On the other hand, if it does happen to work out and you settle in my home and become part of my family for life, that's good too. But I'm still going to be happy and fulfilled with myself, and there's still a ton of people out there I can spent time with and enjoy.

I don't really "search" per say. I'm here, and I'm available. And I always will be. And others are welcome to come sit in my circle, be it for a short spell, or a lifetime. You don't have to be "the one" to be welcome in my circle. And sometimes I'll sit here in my circle alone and enjoy the solitude. But the door is always open.

I don't know if that all made sense or was just babbling, but that's how I see the infamous "search".

_____________________________

IMO, IMHO, YMMV, AFAIK, to me, I see it as, from my perspective, it's been my experience, I only speak for myself, (and all other disclaimers here).

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 47

RE: How long does one normally keep looking before givi... - 5/17/2006 9:30:34 AM

angelface183

Posts: 688
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline

Proprietrix,

You make a lot of sense. No one is perfect, but if you truly like and love yourself, then you are more likely to find someone who will compliment you and less likely to need someone to complete you.

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 48

RE: How long does one normally keep looking before givi... - 5/17/2006 9:55:05 AM

Kirei

Posts: 146
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

It all depends on your point of view....
You have the bdsm world, the vanilla world, the love "one" world, family world, friends world, etc. Your world is made up of all these other worlds, not everything is always in every one of your worlds. For some it may be, for most its not. It is natural for us to separte and differenciate between them.

How many worlds are you trying to bring together into one? That is the only way you can know if your expectations are too high. What are your expectations in each. If you look closely you see a lot of that listed here. "I want a man that has a degree, a professional job..." Those are the vanilla world stuff. If your want that "one" love world...it can have two meanings in the bdsm world for instance if they want a no-limits slave in that world. Your love can have no meaning and you do what they want, or because of it you do anything they want. Which would you prefer?
This is why I say that it really comes down to "know thyself". It means can you answer these kinds of questions about you. Because when all is said and done these are the questions that matter in any kind of relationship you may have in your life. You can't find yourself in just one world....you hav to find yourself in all of them....and that takes work.

Koneko

(in reply to angelface183)

Post #: 49

RE: How long does one normally keep looking before givi... - 5/17/2006 10:56:22 AM

badpaliden

Posts: 96
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

Just my two cents worth here. It seems some times that many people dont have a real grasp of what it is that they seek. I mean by that a grounded picture. A lot seem to have this "picture " in their minds of what it is they want in their lives and sort of think that if they can just find "The One"all their wants will be fulfilled, that they(The One) will know how to fulfill all the muddy/ fuzzy wants and needs. I have talked to and have seen this happen oh so many times. Please just remember, mind reading is a show trick , and most if not all of us havent learnded how. So you will need to be able to communacate your needs/wants fairly clearly when your out there seeking your match.
* Again , this is just my opinion, and your mileage many vaire*

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

Post #: 50

RE: How long does one normally keep looking before givi... - 5/17/2006 11:12:08 AM

Bearlee

Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

Happiness isn't something you find, it is something you feel. Happiness doesn't come from someone you find, it comes from somewhere inside of you. You will never find that missing piece until you realize it isn't missing at all, just forgotten somewhere inside of you.

When you can be happy and complete by yourself, others will want to be with you.

Stop looking and start living. Find happiness in yourself, in the here and now, and the rest will all fall into place.

Taggard

quote:

ORIGINAL: Proprietrix

...
I personally don't believe any of that. And I think that when people continually hold out that kind of hope for Mr. or Ms. Right, they find a lot of discomfort in continuously "flaunting" their own loneliness in their own face.

A lot of people have an issue with "settling" or lowering their expectations, so they continue to "hold out" for "the one". I don't believe there is a "one", or a perfect match, or a Mr/Ms Right. I think we should learn to make and maintain relationships with those around us. So the sub at the local munch isn't "everything I ever dreamed of". He's still a pretty fun guy to hang out with, and at the minimum, I've made a friend.

...
I think it starts at a base point of being happy with oneself. I'm happy with who and what I am, so I feel no need to find that "perfect partner" who will be able to fill the gaps. If I'm bored, I need to learn to amuse myself instead of waiting for someone to come along who will amuse me. If I'm longing, I need to learn to please myself instead of waiting for someone who can please me.

...

Here, Here! Bravo!!!

I like the way these two think! By my way of thinking, we should quit saying ‘looking for’ and start saying ‘open to’. I’m happy with my life, I enjoy how it rolls along…I have lots of fun. I’d like a partner, but I don’t have one right now. I’m OPEN to the idea. I make myself available to meet people. I do things I enjoy and I meet people who enjoy those same things. I’m happy and positive and don’t look for someone ELSE to ‘make me happy’. I don’t believe things work that way. I believe it takes two happy, positive, productive people (read that; WHOLE people) to make a couple.

What does that mean ‘give up’? Give up looking for life? All around us are people and experiences that we could enjoy. To ‘give up looking’ is to give up living life…in my book. And what a shame that would be!

I have always said I don’t ‘need’ someone to share my life (after all, my life is going along pretty nicely right now). Rather, I WANT someone with whom to share life. That’s a huge difference…and a lot of pressure off his back, I might add. Who really wants to be a rescuer?

While enjoying my life (looking?), I use the time to learn more about the things that interest me; I use the time to learn more about me and what it IS that interests me; I live.

(in reply to Kirei)

Post #: 51

RE: How long does one normally keep looking before givi... - 5/17/2006 12:13:37 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

I have always said I don’t ‘need’ someone to share my life (after all, my life is going along pretty nicely right now). Rather, I WANT someone with whom to share life

I agree with you and above posters.
This looking for the perfect one becomes a real pain in the ass and a set up for failure. While not advocating giving up one's important ideals, there is certainly always room for growth/learning in everyone of us if we are humble enough to admit it.
I think if one is happy living life, and open to possibilities, one is bound to run into fun people and possible connections. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to Bearlee)

Post #: 52

RE: How long does one normally keep looking before givi... - 5/17/2006 8:04:46 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: badpaliden

Just my two cents worth here. It seems some times that many people dont have a real grasp of what it is that they seek. I mean by that a grounded picture. A lot seem to have this "picture " in their minds of what it is they want in their lives and sort of think that if they can just find "The One"all their wants will be fulfilled, that they(The One) will know how to fulfill all the muddy/ fuzzy wants and needs. I have talked to and have seen this happen oh so many times. Please just remember, mind reading is a show trick , and most if not all of us havent learnded how. So you will need to be able to communacate your needs/wants fairly clearly when your out there seeking your match.
* Again , this is just my opinion, and your mileage many vaire*

..Thank you badpaliden...you are correct..needed a bit of a kick in the pants there..I was in a rare funk mode...better now..(grin)...be well..Tempting

(in reply to badpaliden)

Post #: 53

RE: How long does one normally keep looking before givi... - 5/17/2006 9:21:14 PM

Shayna

Posts: 205
Joined: 1/16/2005
Status: offline

I'm turning 50 this summer and find myself in the midst of raging melancholy. Been in relationships; dated a bunch; loved...and lost. Right now I'm single and in massive transition. I was feeling victim-ish the other day and whining to myself about not liking all this challenging/hard stuff in my life and then I realized: this IS life. It's not like you climb the mountain, end up on top and nothing is hard again. Life is all about process and change and challenges. Basically, there is no there there (if that makes sense). It's about HOW we meet those challenges we're presented and we can choose to grow from experiences or hide under the covers and stay stagnant.

What does this have to do with the OP? You stop looking when you choose to not participate in your own life's journey.

(in reply to Bearlee)

Post #: 54

RE: How long does one normally keep looking before givi... - 5/17/2006 9:28:39 PM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsIncognito

Well of course it is. I don't know a single person who keeps looking for something once they've found it.

I have met any number of people who, having found the person of their dreams, the deal of a lifetime, the job they always wanted, etc., keep on looking.

So I would disagree with that statement, but more from the standpoint that I tend to think most people dont really know what their inner motivations are.

Just me, could be wrong, etc.

Sinergy

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(in reply to MsIncognito)

Post #: 55

RE: How long does one normally keep looking before givi... - 5/17/2006 9:29:52 PM

MrMister

Posts: 272
Joined: 3/6/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelface183

No one is perfect, but if you truly like and love yourself, then you are more likely to find someone who will compliment you and less likely to need someone to complete you.

This is my view precisely. For there is absolutely nothing wrong with finding that one to "complete" you, and is definitely a beautiful thing. But if two "whole" people find one another, well, now that can be truly remakable.

(in reply to angelface183)

Post #: 56

RE: How long does one normally keep looking before givi... - 5/17/2006 10:12:00 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

What would "giving up" mean, anyway? You don't stop living just because you haven't found the woman of your dreams.

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 57

RE: How long does one normally keep looking before givi... - 5/17/2006 10:14:44 PM

abeginnersluck

Posts: 2
Joined: 2/21/2005
Status: offline

I don't give up, but I am not actively searching either. I put it out and see what comes back.

_____________________________

Luck
Switchy rhymes with bitchy
kinky fat chick

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

Post #: 58

RE: How long does one normally keep looking before givi... - 5/17/2006 10:33:35 PM

amayos

Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn

I've been wondering this lately as I've never really found what I'm looking for. Maybe I set the bar too high. Maybe I forgot to set one at all. I'm not really sure.

This isn't really a complaint about not finding someone. We see enough of those here. No, this is more about curiosity for those who have been looking for awhile and who may have just given up on finding someone. Or people who remained looking forever until they found the person they were seeking.

When do you finally give up, or do you just keep looking up until the point the end credits start rolling up on the life screen?

For me, wading through the heaps of lesser jewels to happen upon a brilliant one is rewarding in of itself. Though I do not really actively search, the encounters I have and the process of learning about others is one that I consider to be fun, but I realize I am saying this as a dominant being, and not as one searching for an Owner.

So, how long does one normally keep looking before giving up? Until they give up, perhaps? But it's not really that easy, I believe. A desire planted firmly in your heart will keep a vigilant eye long after the mind has grown weary of it. Serving is within your nature, and it's hard to simply turn off; passive searching is the best one can hope to accomplish in coming close to that.

< Message edited by amayos -- 5/17/2006 11:14:46 PM >

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 59

RE: How long does one normally keep looking before givi... - 5/18/2006 8:25:48 AM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline

No retreat, no surrender, Damn the torpedoes! Full speed ahead!
Never give up on any of your dreams, even if they are never realised there is value in the dreaming in and of itself. The dream need not be realised to be of value, but you must hold it and seek it, therein lays the real value of dreaming.

_____________________________

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Ha Ha...Charade you are!

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(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 60

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