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RE: serious question - 7/9/2011 10:51:41 AM   
DecadentDesire


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

Easy; I'm mostly laid-back and casual in the day-to-day but when I'm "pulling the reins", she'll see it in my eyes and hear it in my tone of voice.



What Focus said. It usually does not take a girl long to figure out when I am issuing a command and when we are just having casual conversation. It's based heavily on my vocal tone.

I also tend to be more direct in my choice of language and follow up with a confirmation question.

"I need you to do X, Y, and Z. Do you understand?"

The "Do you understand?" becomes her cue to say "Yes, sir" and get to work doing whatever I told her to do.


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RE: serious question - 7/9/2011 10:59:24 AM   
DecadentDesire


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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA

Surely you could grasp that I fully understood what the OP "meant" with their question.  The question is not the issue, it's the OP's thinking that's flawed -- hence the use of the word "confusion" in my reply.  You and yours may operate under some contrived "mode" of sorts, I do not.  And yes, they're most likely new/newish to this dynamic.



I don't want to speak for Focus50, but from my point of view, it has nothing to do with modes in the sense of "I am the dominant now" and "I am not the dominant now".

I am always the dominant and always the one with the authority in the relationship, but that doesn't always mean I am actively using the authority and issuing commands. In fact, the majority of the time is spent being passive, simply sitting on the couch, reading a book while my girl carries on with her day, using her own judgement.

When I shift from passive to active and begin to issue commands, there is a change in my vocal tones and speech patterns that broadcasts a clear message of "I want your attention NOW, because I expect you to do something".



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RE: serious question - 7/9/2011 11:17:22 AM   
OsideGirl


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DecadentDesire

I am always the dominant and always the one with the authority in the relationship, but that doesn't always mean I am actively using the authority and issuing commands.


This is what Master says. He's an Alpha, but that doesn't mean that he's in "Dom Mode" 24/7. Regardless of whether he is in Dom mode or not, he is the Dominant in our relationship. He doesn't need to get serious and send me a signal. His request will be treated the same whether he's relaxing on the couch and says "Baby, please get me a soda" or whether he says, "Take your clothes and wait in the bedroom on your knees".


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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: serious question - 7/9/2011 11:21:24 AM   
OsideGirl


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mastersbunny93

I'm very very sorry for the grammar of my post i have never been on a forum or chat that had anything to do with the lifestyle so i do welcome and your advice and criticism as for my children there very small so i understand what u mean by what he says goes. being new seems to be giving you all quite pain but how will i ever know if i weren't to ask and that is what i am doing I'm trying to ask you all instead of being a know it all because i of all people even when my mother was in the lifestyle don't know everything i know some. knowing something is different then actually doing it LOL. As for how i can tell i like the serious look and tone by far.


You missed the point. It's not about you being on forum. It's about how you communicate. You don't finish a thought before you jam right into the next thought without finishing the first sentence. If this is how you communicate face to face, it's not really any surprise that the two of you are having issues about what happens when. You need to work on your communication skills and communicate CLEARLY to each other for this to work.


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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: serious question - 7/9/2011 11:23:15 AM   
MasterSlaveLA


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DecadentDesire

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA

Surely you could grasp that I fully understood what the OP "meant" with their question.  The question is not the issue, it's the OP's thinking that's flawed -- hence the use of the word "confusion" in my reply.  You and yours may operate under some contrived "mode" of sorts, I do not.  And yes, they're most likely new/newish to this dynamic.



I don't want to speak for Focus50...

 
Then you shouldn't.
 
quote:
...it has nothing to do with modes 

 
Said aforementioned poster referenced "modes"... thus, for them, it has everything to do with "modes" -- which I find contrived.

quote:


I am always the dominant and always the one with the authority in the relationship... When I shift from passive to active and begin to issue commands, there is a change in my vocal tones and speech patterns that broadcasts a clear message of "I want your attention NOW, because I expect you to do something".



You and yours may need to "issue commands"... change your "vocal tones and speech patterns"... in order to "broadcast" your alleged "dominance" -- I find that both contrived and lacking in dominance. 

Examples:

Owner Stern Voice/Command:  "Get me a glass of water"
sub/slave replied comment: "Yes Sir/Master"

Owner Normal Voice/Request: "Would you get me a glass of water?"
sub/slave replied comment: "Yes Sir/Master"


Both produce the SAME response from the sub/slave -- but in the first scenario, the Owner demonstrates an insecure, contrived means of Dominance, where the second does not.  Dominance need not be "broadcast"... it need simply be present.  I view your means of alleged dominance contrived.  YMMV
 
 
 
 

< Message edited by MasterSlaveLA -- 7/9/2011 11:32:51 AM >

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RE: serious question - 7/9/2011 11:46:43 AM   
leadership527


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mastersbunny93
Masters if ur rl with your sub are u serious 24/7 and if not how do You show her Your switching from laid back / playing to being serious about something ...

My own leadership style involves quite a bit of back and forth talk. Not everything that falls from my lips is intended to be "do this now". Sometimes I want to solicit her opinion rather than give her mine. On pretty much all commands it's perfectly fine for her to give feedback which may be negative and may impact the final delivery of the command. So yes, it's important that Carol know when "I'm telling her to do something" and when "I'm telling her to talk to me".

For me this has never been a problem either at work or at home. Since this is my natural leadership style and I've been solving the problem for 28 years now it's kind of automatic and easy. Usually Carol figures it out correctly just by context and tone. If she gets it wrong, it's trivial for me to say, "No mine, this is a command." If I'm about to say a command and I feel for whatever reasons that she may misinterpret as talk I'll just add right up front, "Listen mine. This is a command."

In other words, the whole problem is easily resolved by my being comfortable with her occasionally getting it wrong and being explicit about correcting that -- either before or after the fact.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: serious question - 7/9/2011 11:48:07 AM   
SimplyMichael


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mastersbunny93

This is a question for all of you s/D my Master asked me to post this for Him ...Masters if ur rl with your sub are u serious 24/7 and if not how do You show her Your switching from laid back / playing to being serious about something .... as mentioned before W/were learning quite a bit and W/we talked today and i was a bit confused on when He was serious and when He was not ...He and i are togethore rl and have children so W/w are looking for ways that T/they cant tell but i can. If you are a sub when can you tell when your Master has switched from serious to laid back ... thank you very much for your thoughts


Learning to balance the hot fantasy of 24/7 most of us have in our heads/loins and real life is hard. Add in children and the complexity and learning curve gets even harder. If you are doing this without other people to expand your awareness of how other people do this in real life its even harder. In fact, I would say that this issue probably kills more relationships than almost anything else. The farther apart your fantasy image of what "real" 24/7 is and what the reality of your lives requires makes it even tricker.

First realize that being breadwinners and parents is the most "real" thing you do. Make the D/s serve that rather than the other way around, otherwise real life seems like an obstacle to D/s when instead it should be the foundation.

In other words, as hot as the be naked and kneeling when I arrive home from work is hot, doing it with kids in the house is sorta problematic. I like rituals, hand signals, etc, but you need to make them serve you, improve the quality of your life without being a hinderance to the chaos that is parenting. Lowering eyes, sitting at feet while watching TV, think 1950s household. Lots of pleases and thank yous, polite behavior, opening of doors, etc.

What is surprising to many people is you can often exert more control, be more dominant and yet be quite casual and on the surface not have that "strict" appearance and quite often, that strict appearance is shallow in its depth. Too bad MercNBeth are no longer active here as they personify this.

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RE: serious question - 7/9/2011 11:52:31 AM   
leadership527


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quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
What is surprising to many people is you can often exert more control, be more dominant and yet be quite casual and on the surface not have that "strict" appearance and quite often, that strict appearance is shallow in its depth. Too bad MercNBeth are no longer active here as they personify this.

Agreed. I'm not sure how many people are "surprised" by that but I totally agree with the statement. All the overt "strictness" is just window dressing. It's the visible layer and largely has to do with what floats everyone's boat. In pretty much all the couples I have seen, the actual level of strictness bears little resemblance to the surface pageantry. Sometimes it's more surface than deep... other times the other way around... but I don't really see them as connected.


_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
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RE: serious question - 7/9/2011 12:02:15 PM   
DecadentDesire


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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA
I view your means of alleged dominance contrived.  YMMV



My post wasn't some testament to how I am changing my vocal patterns to appear more dominant out of some insecurity. It is a simple commentary of how I naturally respond to different contexts, an observation based on self awareness. We simply wear different hats based on the social situation and context.

I don't ever really remember standing in front of the mirror with a tape recorder, practicing my dominance. That's seem to be what your implying and if that is the case, then you have misunderstood me.

P.S. You know it is possible to have different styles in dominance and even disagree about those styles without resorting to accusing the other of being the fake dominant. Just saying...I've seen it had once or twice....


< Message edited by DecadentDesire -- 7/9/2011 12:07:49 PM >

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RE: serious question - 7/9/2011 12:05:35 PM   
MasterSlaveLA


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DecadentDesire

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA
I view your means of alleged dominance contrived.  YMMV



It is a simple commentary of how I naturally respond to different contexts...



I view your supposed natural means of alleged dominance contrived.  YMMV
 




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RE: serious question - 7/9/2011 12:08:38 PM   
DecadentDesire


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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA

quote:

ORIGINAL: DecadentDesire

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA
I view your means of alleged dominance contrived.  YMMV



It is a simple commentary of how I naturally respond to different contexts...



I view your supposed natural means of alleged dominance contrived.  YMMV



Lol. Glad we got that sorted out.


_____________________________

I was once a Rabbit, driven Mad, by the Decadence of his Desires...

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RE: serious question - 7/9/2011 12:10:19 PM   
leadership527


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DecadentDesire
I don't ever really remember standing in front of the mirror with a tape recorder, practicing my dominance. That's seem to be what your implying and if that is the case, then you have misunderstood me.

Nope, I don't think you've been misunderstood. I think you're just going to have to join me in the ranks of the not truly dominant. Honestly some of the happiest couples I know bear that title so I wouldn't worry about it too much. Besides, I like my own little delusion that I'm in control so I'd rather not upset the apple cart.

OK, that was tongue in cheek since I doubt that's what MSLA meant. Just chalk this up to incompatible definitions of "dominance". It happens all the time.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to DecadentDesire)
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RE: serious question - 7/9/2011 12:13:52 PM   
DecadentDesire


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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527
OK, that was tongue in cheek since I doubt that's what MSLA meant. Just chalk this up to incompatible definitions of "dominance". It happens all the time.


Maybe, but honestly, I don't think our viewpoints are all that different. I think Focus50 has just done what Focus50 does best and gotten someone on the defensive.


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RE: serious question - 7/9/2011 12:20:25 PM   
MasterSlaveLA


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DecadentDesire






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RE: serious question - 7/9/2011 2:16:58 PM   
juliaoceania


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mastersbunny93

ty and yeah i am not mad i open critisizm what would are world be like if we didnt have it confused



I think you should ignore everyone on this website, sit down with your partner and talk about how you the two of you want to design your relationship. Hell would freeze over before a man I would involve myself with would be taking relationship advice from strangers

And it is not as simple as "he says" and "you do"... it never is that freakin' easy, no matter what people say on the internet.

Forget what you read here, log off the internet, and the two of you sit down and design a workable relationship based on respect and communication. As far as advice on this thread, focus has the best so far... if a man can't be laid back at times life with him would seriously suck.

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Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

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RE: serious question - 7/9/2011 2:21:10 PM   
juliaoceania


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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
What is surprising to many people is you can often exert more control, be more dominant and yet be quite casual and on the surface not have that "strict" appearance and quite often, that strict appearance is shallow in its depth. Too bad MercNBeth are no longer active here as they personify this.

Agreed. I'm not sure how many people are "surprised" by that but I totally agree with the statement. All the overt "strictness" is just window dressing. It's the visible layer and largely has to do with what floats everyone's boat. In pretty much all the couples I have seen, the actual level of strictness bears little resemblance to the surface pageantry. Sometimes it's more surface than deep... other times the other way around... but I don't really see them as connected.



I would agree with this too, being strict isn't being dominant in my eyes. I respond better to a light approach, not a heavy handed one.


_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: serious question - 7/9/2011 6:52:15 PM   
coookie


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quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


This is what Master says. He's an Alpha, but that doesn't mean that he's in "Dom Mode" 24/7. Regardless of whether he is in Dom mode or not, he is the Dominant in our relationship. He doesn't need to get serious and send me a signal. His request will be treated the same whether he's relaxing on the couch and says "Baby, please get me a soda" or whether he says, "Take your clothes and wait in the bedroom on your knees".



This is exactly my thoughts. Now depending on his tone i might be a weee bit cheeky but i still obey. And when he gives me the look and says "Reel it in bitch" i know i am on thin ice lol

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RE: serious question - 7/9/2011 7:28:18 PM   
OsideGirl


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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania



I would agree with this too, being strict isn't being dominant in my eyes.
One of my favorite sayings is "There's a difference between dominant and domineering."


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: serious question - 7/9/2011 8:46:54 PM   
HannahLynHeather


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quote:

I view your supposed natural means of alleged dominance contrived.  YMMV
and i find the tacking on of a fucking "ymmv" at the end of a statement to pretend to take the sting out of what you said to be contrived. if you think somebody is full of shit, just say so without the chicken shit cover ups.

i find i am agreeing with simplymichael and jeff, there's really no need for any overt displays of strictness or control. anybody seeing heather and i interacting would never suspect we were anything but a couple of vanilla fucks. she calls me hanners, hannah, or by my last name. i call her heather or babe. she kisses me out of the blue as often as i do her. we joke and tease each other, we poke fun at each other. we walk side by side, whoever gets to the fucking door first opens it for the other, i'm bigger and stronger than she is so i carry the bulk of the groceries and heavy shit. there's no outward signs that we are anything but fucking boring everyday dykes. but she does what i tell her to, she belongs to me. there's no need for any of what jeff calls surface pageantry <good fucking term for it>, she's mine and we both fucking know it and so behave accordingly.

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RE: serious question - 7/10/2011 12:32:23 AM   
MasterSlaveLA


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quote:

ORIGINAL: HannahLynHeather

quote:

I view your supposed natural means of alleged dominance contrived.  YMMV


and i find the tacking on of a fucking "ymmv" at the end of a statement to pretend to take the sting out of what you said to be contrived.


Think whatever the fuck you want. I use the acronym to imply a difference in views, not to veil some supposed "sting". You wanna think otherwise, then knock yourself the fuck out doing so.

quote:


if you think somebody is full of shit, just say so without the chicken shit cover ups.


You may think YOUR way is the ONLY way when it comes to the power dynamic... I don't.  Thus, those with different views/beliefs from my own are not "full of shit", but merely hold a different view from my own -- i.e., their "mileage" (views) may "vary" (be different) from mine. Nothing more. As such, no alleged "cover up" has taken place -- "chicken shit" or otherwise.  Again, you wanna think otherwise, then knock yourself the fuck out doing so.



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