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RE: A girl should only give a guy a year... - 7/11/2011 7:08:28 PM

LadyConstanze

Posts: 9722
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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

For me personally in the past when I was still dating if a guy could not commit after 4 or so months..give or take a month or two, then I walked away. If he couldn't do it by then then he most likely never would from my experience.

The men who have been the longest in my life committed pretty quickly and it was never even an issue.

Not being snarky here, but didn't you sometimes just enjoy things how they are without thinking about what will be next year? Almost all of my relationships were long term, I'm bloody well nearing 40 and I still haven't had a one night stand and since I'm very monogamous, not likely to happen (never say never, a brick might hit me on the head and everything could change) but the relationships developed into long term, they weren't planned, we were happy for the time being and so we just enjoyed that without pressure. If I would have always "committed" after a few months, I'd have a track list of divorces.

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Post #: 21

RE: A girl should only give a guy a year... - 7/11/2011 7:16:36 PM

Tantriqu

Posts: 2026
Joined: 12/29/2006
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Most of the guys I've dated have been on that timetable: after 6-12 months, they say marriage or break it off. And then they all seem shocked when I say goodbye! Never give a Domme an ultimatum until/unless you're ready for the answer...
And yep, the two I asked to marry me were within four to six months.

(in reply to KeriB)

Post #: 22

RE: A girl should only give a guy a year... - 7/11/2011 7:17:09 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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I am noncommittal.

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Post #: 23

RE: A girl should only give a guy a year... - 7/11/2011 7:23:00 PM

SorceressJ

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Joined: 7/24/2010
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A girl should trust her instincts and her own inclinations, and not worry about time frames, or the standards and/or opinions of others.
I moved in with a guy after knowing him for two weeks. We were both still married on paper to other people, but were long-term separated from same. I did this because it was more than love at first sight; we knew we were soulmates. I was not able to officially take this good Man's last name until four years had gone by, but he offered it to me the night of our first date. You have no idea how many funny looks I've gotten for this story.. but I know and trust what is right for me in my own sphere, so I wasn't worried about it.
Just my

..

ETA: six and a half years and counting: not only were we right about being soulmates, but the honeymoon is still on..

< Message edited by SorceressJ -- 7/11/2011 7:41:22 PM >

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RE: A girl should only give a guy a year... - 7/11/2011 7:59:11 PM

LinnaeaBorealis

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I've been in a whole lot of relationships that I just accepted for what they were at the time. And I've fallen in love at the drop of a hat, too. I've not always loved the ones with whom I had relationships, & we never even thought about commitment with each other, but that didn't make them any less special. I have so many fond memories. I stopped getting married in 1976 & have only had a handful of committed relationships since then.

I've talked about this before on these boards, but when I met His Evilness, I knew within 5 minutes that this was going to be important. Even though I laid down the law that we were just going to be casual play partners who might play every month or two when I felt like it. 3 weeks later I was in a tattoo parlor in Ogden, UT getting his mark on the back of my neck. And I never ever regretted it. Because it did turn out to be one of the most important relationships of my life. In some ways, we are still committed to each other, even though he has officially released me due to geography.

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RE: A girl should only give a guy a year... - 7/11/2011 8:55:35 PM

tj444

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LinnaeaBorealis

I've been in a whole lot of relationships that I just accepted for what they were at the time. And I've fallen in love at the drop of a hat, too. I've not always loved the ones with whom I had relationships, & we never even thought about commitment with each other, but that didn't make them any less special. I have so many fond memories. I stopped getting married in 1976 & have only had a handful of committed relationships since then.

I've talked about this before on these boards, but when I met His Evilness, I knew within 5 minutes that this was going to be important. Even though I laid down the law that we were just going to be casual play partners who might play every month or two when I felt like it. 3 weeks later I was in a tattoo parlor in Ogden, UT getting his mark on the back of my neck. And I never ever regretted it. Because it did turn out to be one of the most important relationships of my life. In some ways, we are still committed to each other, even though he has officially released me due to geography.

I dont know about the falling in instant love thing, I dont know that I can trust it, speaking just for myself. I sorta feel that when that happens that i could be blinded to the things that are wrong, that dont really work and convince myself that its all good when it isnt and not gonna last.... I think should I get that feeling from someone that I would need to take a step back and try to be objective, cautious and try to see the pros and cons of the possible union. I sorta got the whole stars in my eyes thing with my ex at one point and he was definately the wrong person for me, I hope i have learned from that and dont make the same mistake again. But.. that feeling, it is so very hard to resist and think clearly..

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Post #: 26

RE: A girl should only give a guy a year... - 7/11/2011 9:03:35 PM

tj444

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

quote:

and if you are a guy, how long should it take for you to commit?
As long as it takes. I don't think moving in or marrying really should be the goal, happiness should be. If that happens to involve living together full time great, but if it doesn't that is great as well.When I start a relationship I commit to that relationship for the duration. The intent is for it to last, but if it doesn't it doesn't. I did the til death do us part thing...I didn't know it at the time but aparently I had only ten years to live.
Zombie Bob

see, thats the thing... for me living together is a huge part of the happiness. I want to go to bed cuddling him, to wake up in the night and feel his strength next to me and feel safe, secure in his arms, to wake up and watch him sleeping in the morning, drinking him in, to do things for him and greet him at the door when he comes home from work, little surprises and special touches, just for him, to see him smile.. and make every second of every day count..

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Post #: 27

RE: A girl should only give a guy a year... - 7/11/2011 9:13:40 PM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
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quote:

six and a half years and counting: not only were we right about being soulmates, but the honeymoon is still on..

this really made me smile!

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RE: A girl should only give a guy a year... - 7/11/2011 9:26:17 PM

LinnaeaBorealis

Posts: 8595
Joined: 10/5/2008
From: Insanity & beyond
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quote:

ORIGINAL: tj444

quote:

ORIGINAL: LinnaeaBorealis

I've been in a whole lot of relationships that I just accepted for what they were at the time. And I've fallen in love at the drop of a hat, too. I've not always loved the ones with whom I had relationships, & we never even thought about commitment with each other, but that didn't make them any less special. I have so many fond memories. I stopped getting married in 1976 & have only had a handful of committed relationships since then.

I've talked about this before on these boards, but when I met His Evilness, I knew within 5 minutes that this was going to be important. Even though I laid down the law that we were just going to be casual play partners who might play every month or two when I felt like it. 3 weeks later I was in a tattoo parlor in Ogden, UT getting his mark on the back of my neck. And I never ever regretted it. Because it did turn out to be one of the most important relationships of my life. In some ways, we are still committed to each other, even though he has officially released me due to geography.

I dont know about the falling in instant love thing, I dont know that I can trust it, speaking just for myself. I sorta feel that when that happens that i could be blinded to the things that are wrong, that dont really work and convince myself that its all good when it isnt and not gonna last.... I think should I get that feeling from someone that I would need to take a step back and try to be objective, cautious and try to see the pros and cons of the possible union. I sorta got the whole stars in my eyes thing with my ex at one point and he was definately the wrong person for me, I hope i have learned from that and dont make the same mistake again. But.. that feeling, it is so very hard to resist and think clearly..

It often worked out very well for me. I am no longer in my marriage, but that man, who I believe truly is my soulmate, is still in my life, just in a different kind of a relationship. We are now best friends, we have each other's backs; if one of us is hurt, the other soothes them until they don't hurt anymore; we share our joys & our sorrows & pains with each other. We no longer even live in the same state, but that doesn't matter. I know that if I need him, he'll be there & vice versa. When his mother needed live in care in 2007, I moved in with her & took care of her for a pittance. Because even though we divorced, we are still family. When his niece had her first baby, I was there in the hospital with her. So, yeah, the marriage ended several decades ago, but we are still going strong.

_____________________________

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in
~~L. Cohen

Just one of the yahoo's

(in reply to tj444)

Post #: 29

RE: A girl should only give a guy a year... - 7/11/2011 9:44:48 PM

SexyBossyBBW

Posts: 1693
Joined: 2/25/2010
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I agree with her timelime, in general. If a guy is with me for more than 5 months, and hasn't mentioned long term plans, I either stay, because I'm enjoying my time with him and don't worry about what's next, or having been through the marriage/divorce, I don't care it he is in a hurry to do it again, or not.

My position is, he will generally know whether or not he wants a committed relationship within 6 months. If he does not, there are usually issues we need to address (usually relating to family, or long distance circumstances), or we need to put on the breaks. M

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Post #: 30

RE: A girl should only give a guy a year... - 7/11/2011 10:25:10 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

For me personally in the past when I was still dating if a guy could not commit after 4 or so months..give or take a month or two, then I walked away. If he couldn't do it by then then he most likely never would from my experience.

The men who have been the longest in my life committed pretty quickly and it was never even an issue.

Not being snarky here, but didn't you sometimes just enjoy things how they are without thinking about what will be next year? Almost all of my relationships were long term, I'm bloody well nearing 40 and I still haven't had a one night stand and since I'm very monogamous, not likely to happen (never say never, a brick might hit me on the head and everything could change) but the relationships developed into long term, they weren't planned, we were happy for the time being and so we just enjoyed that without pressure. If I would have always "committed" after a few months, I'd have a track list of divorces.

When I was younger I had a string of one night stands and short term flings. The one night stands were planned just as that...one night stands. We both were wanting something with no names, no details, fuck and go home. The short term relationships were because they turned out to be just someone looking to get laid without having to work at it which I finally figured out or they refused to commit.

I can't say I've ever enjoyed a relationship where there were no expectations, no timelines. When I was married we were childhood sweethearts. We knew our future was to get married right out of high school and have children and have the white picket fence, etc...There was a timeline for all of it. Unfortunately it was cut short due to his death.

Now that I'm older I still have a timeline for most of my life. I don't want to waste away anymore time waiting for what I want. I'm going to be 40 in a few months and I don't want to be 60 and sitting on the sidelines thinking of all the things I missed out on that I always wanted.

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Post #: 31

RE: A girl should only give a guy a year... - 7/11/2011 10:52:26 PM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
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From: The cold bit of the UK
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I'm very much a 'slow burn' kind of gal. After a couple of fairly disastrous relationships in the past (including one that involved me being dumped a week before the wedding...) I prefer to take things slow and steady.

I know that I go through phases within a new relationship. I resist my feelings at first, then I kind of 'give in' and get a little 'love crazy' for a while, but I also know that a month or two after that happens I often think "right, that's it, time to find someone else".

With this relationship it's been 7 months. I've been through the resistance and love-crazy phases, and now I just feel...happy. We have no plans to move in together any time in the near future, which is absolutely fine by me. He is going to meet my dearest friends very shortly, which for me is a big thing.

We don't have a timetable, but whenever we discuss anything to do with us, or relationship, or my rather circuitous route to becoming his slave, the phrase "we have all the time in the world" comes naturally for both of us. That, to me, is all the commitment I need

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Post #: 32

RE: A girl should only give a guy a year... - 7/12/2011 4:00:38 AM

LadyConstanze

Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

When I was younger I had a string of one night stands and short term flings. The one night stands were planned just as that...one night stands. We both were wanting something with no names, no details, fuck and go home. The short term relationships were because they turned out to be just someone looking to get laid without having to work at it which I finally figured out or they refused to commit.

What's the difference to a one night stand? I'd think if you're both happy with the uhh performance and you go back for more, there isn't much of a problem, is there? I think I would actually prefer that to a one night stand where I don't know what I'm getting. If both partners play it straight with open cards, I can totally see how will that can work, on the other hand I can also see how much it must suck if you're totally into the bloke and you realize that he's just not into you. But if I was single and desperate for sex, I'd much rather have a fuck buddy than a bunch of one night stands.

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
I can't say I've ever enjoyed a relationship where there were no expectations, no timelines. When I was married we were childhood sweethearts. We knew our future was to get married right out of high school and have children and have the white picket fence, etc...There was a timeline for all of it. Unfortunately it was cut short due to his death.

I'm sorry to hear that, but I honestly never had a relationship like that, marriage was always something that was so not on the cards and kids was a definite NO NO even when I was a kid, I just didn't want to have them, didn't want to be tied down, didn't want suburbia and the white picket fence, it was always a nightmare for me and the thought alone makes me claustrophobic.

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
Now that I'm older I still have a timeline for most of my life. I don't want to waste away anymore time waiting for what I want. I'm going to be 40 in a few months and I don't want to be 60 and sitting on the sidelines thinking of all the things I missed out on that I always wanted.

I do understand timelines for careers, but life is usually just what happens while you're busy making plans. I think going out with the idea of "by the end of the year I will have met a guy, early next year we're moving in together, end of next year we'll have a big wedding" blocks you? I had a guy threaten to dump me if I wouldn't go along with him timeline, as he had his life planned out, as a result I dumped him, because first of all I didn't want to be the boring suburban housewife and 2nd - and even more importantly - I would always have wondered if he's into me as a person or if I am just a pawn in his great masterplan. I think a lot of guys might feel the same way if you tell them about your timeline? I totally would, because somebody who wants to be with me should make plans with me, where my life and my goals are just as important as his and not expect me to fit into his life.

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Post #: 33

RE: A girl should only give a guy a year... - 7/12/2011 9:00:25 AM

slvemike4u

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From: United States
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I've only proposed once and subsequently I've only been divorced once.Now this is a true story,and a cautionary tale for all....never buy an engagement ring simply because she doesnt have pierced ears.
Seriously
So we had been banging each other,er... seeing each other for a few years...and I was running out of Christmas present ideas...diamond stud earrings was out....cause she had not had her ears pierced....so some genius suggested an engagement ring(perhaps it was my inner voice...I don't know) so I did it.
I recall standing in the church thinking..."okay ,so you don't hear fireworks going off,Syria willing to marry you,so what the fuck"
I had major self esteem issues back than.
All worked out well though,after 15 years of mostly hell I walked away with a favorable divorce settlement and the finest young boy a father could want.....she walked away sorry she hired a divorce lawyer on the cheap(major league tightwad ....lol)

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Post #: 34

RE: A girl should only give a guy a year... - 7/12/2011 9:09:05 AM

rulemylife

Posts: 14614
Joined: 8/23/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: tj444

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
If we're not on the same page as far as the timetable goes, then we're just not compatible.
With that said, I've known of people who dated for years but they never did move in or marry. It seems as if the guy just wants her for a place holder. Because in all those cases, the guy eventually did throw her over to commit very quickly to someone else.

Yeah, that is what I would be afraid of and why I think there does need to be a deadline of some sort.

It truly scares me the things women spend their time thinking about.

(in reply to tj444)

Post #: 35

RE: A girl should only give a guy a year... - 7/12/2011 11:30:38 AM

blacksword404

Posts: 2068
Joined: 1/4/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: tj444

So, I happened to watch Millionaire Matchmaker ( ) and she said that a girl should only give a guy a year before she gets a commitment from him (marriage or in my case living together). And she said the guy should know if he wants to buy her a ring/commit by 6 to 8 months...

So, the question is,.. when you first start "dating or seeing each other when you are looking for a relationship, how long do you give the guy? and if you are a guy, how long should it take for you to commit?

I've heard her show on xm before. A lot of the women on there have been engaged 7 or 8 times. I guess it could have been worse. Divorced 7 times. I don't see why the big rush. After 6 or 8 months you both still have your mask on. Pretending to be perfect instead of you true self. Wait two years and see if you want to get married then. If you're going to last forever, two years is nothing.

Infatuation is fast and regret is forever.

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RE: A girl should only give a guy a year... - 7/12/2011 12:24:06 PM

MercTech

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Joined: 7/4/2006
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I agree... it takes only a few months before you know whether a woman leaves you wanting to be committed.

Tongue firmly in cheek,
Stefan

quote:

ORIGINAL: tj444

So, I happened to watch Millionaire Matchmaker ( ) and she said that a girl should only give a guy a year before she gets a commitment from him (marriage or in my case living together). And she said the guy should know if he wants to buy her a ring/commit by 6 to 8 months...

So, the question is,.. when you first start "dating or seeing each other when you are looking for a relationship, how long do you give the guy? and if you are a guy, how long should it take for you to commit?

(in reply to tj444)

Post #: 37

RE: A girl should only give a guy a year... - 7/12/2011 5:43:17 PM

playfulotter

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I have had fun watching that show in the past but mostly I wouldn't follow any advice she gives....but I did love this line of hers as it has been my experience in the past.... "Coffee is Cheap, Drinks are an Audition, Lunch is an Interview, but Dinner means Business-- The Business of Romance". I have never met a man I wanted to see again on a coffee date...I think it has to do with how much time the man is willing to give you in his timetable that makes the difference on a first meeting...I will say I met one relationship on a lunch date though but he drove over 100 miles to meet me and we spent the afternoon together but it was like an interview at first....ha ha!

< Message edited by playfulotter -- 7/12/2011 5:45:19 PM >

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Post #: 38

RE: A girl should only give a guy a year... - 7/12/2011 6:27:13 PM

kiarsia

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I want a man to be committed to ME within the first 4-6 months. Not necessarily marriage or a house or shared living or finances or whatnot, but ME. If by 4 months he's still surfing the crowd and hasn't decided to commit to working on things with ME and me alone, I doubt he ever will.

I'm also not very good at taking my own advice.

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Post #: 39

RE: A girl should only give a guy a year... - 7/12/2011 6:36:50 PM

tj444

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quote:

ORIGINAL: rulemylife

It truly scares me the things women spend their time thinking about.

and ditto for men that spend their time thinking about what women are thinking about

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