In Defense of Financial Domination

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In Defense of Financial Domination - 7/13/2011 8:59:45 AM

KneelingSub25

Posts: 63
Joined: 12/9/2006
From: New York City
Status: offline

Excerpted from a message that I sent to a woman on CollarMe:

"I don't know why, but I feel the need to say a few things to you. I don't expect a reply. If you do reply, I expect it to be a brief, obscenity-laced insult, at which point I will stare indignantly at my computer screen for having been "bested" by your acerbic wit once again (i.e., I will laugh it off and go my merry way).

I just want to talk about my perceptions of the D/s lifestyle and my experiences in it. I was technically "in" the lifestyle from the time I was a prepubescent teen until today, which is roughly 15 years. While I didn't know much about the lifestyle as a teen, I had intense sexual fantasies of being dominated.

Over the years I've met about a dozen "lifestyle" Dommes from CollarMe for real-time play, but the vast majority of my D/s experiences have been online. As you know, I've periodically assumed the role of a Dominant, too, although I consider myself to be a natural submissive. (Sometimes I would assume the role of a Dominant to broaden my perspective).

Anyway, quite recently, I attended three local Kink events that were hosted by a group. This was my first experience attending a group event (virtually all of my encounters up until this point had been one-on-one or small groups of two or three people).

A few things struck me. First, I noticed that the majority of people attending were male Doms and female subs. In a crowd of 20 or 30 people, I may have been one of only 2 male subs present. Second, I detected a general perception of "male subs" that was quite different from the perception of "female subs."

Let me preface this by saying a few things: everyone was very, very nice to me. They were friendly, open, genuine, and had a sense of humor (acquired through years of life experience). In truth, they were good people, and they were quite accepting of me. So, nothing that I am about to say is a reflection on them. It is a reflection on the lifestyle generally.

One female sub said, "it's good to finally meet a male submissive with a personality." I inquired further. "Lots of male subs are...just kind of creepy: they don't say anything, they leer at women, and they just want to get sexual." Would she have said the same thing about shy female subs?

Here's what I think: the majority of women in the "lifestyle" (Dominant women, submissive women, switch women) seem to regard males as unnecessary/useless/superfluous until proven otherwise. That is to say, they believe it is the duty of the male to capture the woman's attention (whether it be for D/s play or for friendship). This relates equally to male subs and male Doms. The truth is, in the enlightened age of feminism, women and men are not treated equally in the D/s lifestyle.

Let me contrast this approach with what I've experienced in the FinDom world (viewed by virtually all Lifestylers as being illegitimate and "fake," akin to stripping). I've encountered many, many, many bad FinDommes over the years. Many of them didn't like the lifestyle, or had no interest in learning about the lifestyle. They were in it for the money and would often say as much.

However, there was a small handful of FinDommes that were exceptional. Once they realized that a sub was serious, they would get inside his mind. They would ask a lot of questions, they would show an interest in the sub. How does the sub process things? What are his quirks? What are his expectations? They set about training the male sub by engaging with him, understanding his needs, and gradually pushing his boundaries.

In short, these exceptional FinDommes provided me with what almost every female sub expects from a male Dominant: engagement and interest.

However, I would never expect this level of treatment from a "Lifestyle Domme." Why not? Because it's all about her and getting her needs met. Who I am as a person matters little to her. The question they all ask is this: "What can you do for me?" The question that the exceptional FinDomme asks is this: "Who are you?" First and foremost, the exceptional FinDomme wants to know her sub.

I hope that in twenty or thirty years, there will be as many male subs as female subs attending these lifestyle events. Maybe one day a male submissive can have the same expectations as a female submissive on CollarMe and other sites. Until then, when I think of "lifestyle Dominants" and "real-time D/s," I think of people like you."

_____________________________

Never be afraid to try your best.