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This might be a stupid question but... - 7/22/2011 10:02:59 PM

erieangel

Posts: 2237
Joined: 6/19/2011
Status: offline

Recently I have been chatting with a Dom who seems to know what he is talking about...

He tells me that he gains submission by bolstering confidence and improving self esteem.

He said that vanilla interests are just as important...A lot of things that are common sense and which I already knew.

Then he said something I hadn't heard yet, that a submissive is a direct reflection of her Dominant.

To me that makes some sense, but I would like to get further thoughts on this as He did not elaborate much on the idea.

Post #: 1

RE: This might be a stupid question but... - 7/22/2011 10:07:27 PM

Palliata

Posts: 371
Joined: 8/9/2010
Status: offline

I think that goes without saying. The way you train your sub reflects not just your preferences and personality but also on your skill and ability to secure proper behavior. An ill-behaved slave, like an ill-behaved child, is an example of a shitty authority figure.

_____________________________

I speak not of The Way, but only My Way. Think it not an indictment of Your Way.

I'm male. I know it sounds female. Work with me.

(in reply to erieangel)

Post #: 2

RE: This might be a stupid question but... - 7/22/2011 10:15:53 PM

Canaille

Posts: 65
Joined: 6/17/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: erieangel

Then he said something I hadn't heard yet, that a submissive is a direct reflection of her Dominant.

That makes sense to me in multiple ways. For one, the general well-being of the sub is usually a good indication of how well the Dom is caring for them. If a sub is happy, healthy, takes care of herself and shows confidence, that's a sign that her Dom is handling her in a way that makes her feel safe and valued. If she's petulant, disrespectful, and acts out, that's a good sign that he's not actually placing limits on her behavior in a way that makes her feel cared for.
On the other side, the behavior of a submissive often reflects how the Dominant approaches the world. I think that's less the D/s aspect than the way people in relationships adapt to each other, however.

_____________________________

If you're not sure if I'm serious or cracking wise, put your money on the latter.

(in reply to erieangel)

Post #: 3

RE: This might be a stupid question but... - 7/22/2011 10:24:15 PM

BKSir

Posts: 4037
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: Salt Lake City, UT
Status: offline

I fully agree with what he says. And with what Palliata says as well. In fact, he pretty much said, verbatim, what I would say. As did the Dom you've been speaking with. If my pet behaves in an inappropriate manner, how does that make me look? I should have him trained very well and displaying nothing but the finest manners at all times, being kind, generous, helpful and above all, honest. If he's wandering around being a jerk, a liar, rude, crude, crass... well... that's not something I want reflecting upon me. There is a reason that people say you can tell a lot about a person by the company he keeps. That would make me look like a horrid person as well.

Canaille. I never really thought about that side of it before, to be honest. At least, not actively. I suppose subconsciously I probably have, as I really do feel precisely the same. My pets are constantly told how proud of them I am, how wonderful they are, etc. It's also drummed into their heads that just because they're my submissive, that doesn't mean they are "below" any person. In fact they are far above damn near anyone else in my opinion. If they weren't, why would I associate with THEM, or have them as mine? I am, to be honest, rather selective. Why would I want less than the best for myself? That's right, I don't. I want the best, and I will pick nothing less than that.

Frankly, from what you've said here, I personally like his approach very very much. Without knowing more, I'd say he sounds, at this point, a lot like me.

Best of luck to you and him. :)

< Message edited by BKSir -- 7/22/2011 10:53:25 PM >

_____________________________

We'll begin with a spin, traveling in a world of my creation. What we'll see will defy explanation.

I am the voices in your head.

BiggKatt Studios

(in reply to Palliata)

Post #: 4

RE: This might be a stupid question but... - 7/22/2011 10:41:53 PM

erieangel

Posts: 2237
Joined: 6/19/2011
Status: offline

Thank you. We are actually talking about having a face to face meeting next weekend and the weekend after that, there is a picnic sponsored by a local non-profit we will both be attending...

(in reply to BKSir)

Post #: 5

RE: This might be a stupid question but... - 7/22/2011 10:48:59 PM

Palliata

Posts: 371
Joined: 8/9/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BKSir

In fact, she pretty much said, verbatim, what I would say.

*sigh* I'm becoming convinced the only way I'm going to start being referred to as "he" on the forums is by changing my username. It's a real problem.

< Message edited by Palliata -- 7/22/2011 10:49:46 PM >

_____________________________

I speak not of The Way, but only My Way. Think it not an indictment of Your Way.

I'm male. I know it sounds female. Work with me.

(in reply to BKSir)

Post #: 6

RE: This might be a stupid question but... - 7/22/2011 10:52:40 PM

HannahLynHeather

Posts: 2950
Joined: 4/4/2011
From: where it's at
Status: offline

just on the surface from the little you've given us, i'd say this fucker is more or less on the right track, he sounds like he has his head on his shoulders rather than up his ass for the most part.

quote:

a submissive is a direct reflection of her Dominant.

sweet mary's milky teats, i must be one majorly fucking awesome domme then!!

babe, no. sorry, sugar buns, it sounds all nice and pretty and cuddly and shit, but just no. a sub is a person independent of her dominant, she's a reflection of everybody in her life just like the dom is. parents, friends, family, teachers, and all her past doms and/or lovers. this sounds like dumb dom syndrome to me. its his fucking ego repainting reality to bolster itself.

my sub is awesome, really motherfucking awesome. not because i'm a fucking awesome domme, but because she just happens to be a really fucking awesome person. i'm good at this shit babe, i happen to think i'm damn good, but i'm not that fucking good.

i find a lot of people's bdsm philosophy is wishful fucking thinking, its based on some weird desire to elevate this shit we do to some higher and purer plane. that's bullshit. like i've said before, it's just fucking dressed up in chains and leather. it belongs down there in the gutter with all the other types of fucking.

a bratty sub doesn't mean a shitty dom any more than an obedient sub means an awesome dom. it just doesn't work that way. the best dom in the world can still hook up with a right cunt, and it doesn't make a lick of difference how good he is, she's always going to be a right cunt.

you want to pull this thing off and get it right? then get your head out of the fucking clouds and remember that its just a relationship, its just two people loving and fucking. that's it. that's all it is, no fucking different than the uber ultra nilla couple that only has sex missionary style at 7:35 PM on the first Monday of each month. people are people, not reflections.

_____________________________

clique? i don't need no stinking clique!

fuck a duck ~w. disney

My Twitter: http://twitter.com/HannahFuck

i hope you enjoyed the post, and as always my friends....have a nice day

(in reply to erieangel)

Post #: 7

RE: This might be a stupid question but... - 7/22/2011 10:54:27 PM

BKSir

Posts: 4037
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: Salt Lake City, UT
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Palliata

quote:

ORIGINAL: BKSir

In fact, she pretty much said, verbatim, what I would say.

*sigh* I'm becoming convinced the only way I'm going to start being referred to as "he" on the forums is by changing my username. It's a real problem.

DERP! Sorry! LOL Edit made to that faux pas.

_____________________________

We'll begin with a spin, traveling in a world of my creation. What we'll see will defy explanation.

I am the voices in your head.

BiggKatt Studios

(in reply to Palliata)

Post #: 8

RE: This might be a stupid question but... - 7/22/2011 10:58:04 PM

HannahLynHeather

Posts: 2950
Joined: 4/4/2011
From: where it's at
Status: offline

quote:

*sigh* I'm becoming convinced the only way I'm going to start being referred to as "he" on the forums is by changing my username. It's a real problem.

for what it's worth i've always assumed you were a guy.you just seem mannish in your opinions and attitudes.

_____________________________

clique? i don't need no stinking clique!

fuck a duck ~w. disney

My Twitter: http://twitter.com/HannahFuck

i hope you enjoyed the post, and as always my friends....have a nice day

(in reply to Palliata)

Post #: 9

RE: This might be a stupid question but... - 7/23/2011 12:32:59 AM

JanahX

Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline

What does that mean...a sub is a direct reflection of her dominant? Sounds like some kind of co dependency mombo jombo. What a load of bullocks.

_____________________________

The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

(in reply to HannahLynHeather)

Post #: 10

RE: This might be a stupid question but... - 7/23/2011 12:48:23 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I'm actually in the 'sub is a reflection of the Dominant' camp. If clip goes to an event or is being sent to participate under someone's direction when I can't be there, you're darn right the way he acts is absolutely a reflection of Me. My name is associated with him everywhere he goes that is kink related. If he's rude, disrespectful to the hosts or other guests, or is inappropriate in some way, just how much control do I really have over him? (Yes, those of you who know clip know he doesn't act that way. It's just an example.) Instead, if he knows his protocols, follows the instructions he has been given prior to attending, and does whatever I've sent him there to do, people have a good impression of him, and by extension, Me.

This isn't to say that it doesn't work the other way around as well. I don't want people thinking what in the hell a good submissive is doing with a half assed Dominant.

Really no different than other couples. Nobody can tell Me that the wife isn't embarrassed to blazes when the husband goes to a party and reminds folks of their uncle who used to wear lampshades thinking he was funny when he was nothing but a bore.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to JanahX)

Post #: 11

RE: This might be a stupid question but... - 7/23/2011 5:00:51 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Correct. A sub is a reflection of his/her Dominant.

1. The Dom chose him/her. E.g., if I choose an alcoholic, lying girl who has no manners, it broadcasts that I am a desperate man who chose anyone.
2. He/she chose the Dom. Assuming he/she had a choice, then this Dom "won out" over the others. A vote of confidence.
3. He/she reflects good or bad treatment. A sub who is healthy and happy implies that his/her Dom treats him/her well.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 12

RE: This might be a stupid question but... - 7/23/2011 5:16:29 AM

Epytropos

Posts: 699
Joined: 7/23/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HannahLynHeather
for what it's worth i've always assumed you were a guy.you just seem mannish in your opinions and attitudes.

I appreciate that... I think O.o

quote:

ORIGINAL: BKSir

DERP! Sorry! LOL Edit made to that faux pas.

Not to worry. It happened quite a bit with that name. I had hoped the signature would be sufficient, but alas no. Hopefully this new name does the trick heh.

_____________________________

They're only words. Don't dwell on them. They never mean what you think.

I speak only of My Way. Think it not an indictment of Your Way.

(in reply to HannahLynHeather)

Post #: 13

RE: This might be a stupid question but... - 7/23/2011 5:22:14 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

I'm in the "your submissive is a reflection of you" camp as well. A direct reflection? Sure, at times. A total reflection? Er, not so much.

When you first came on this board, Hanners, I loved your in the face style and ability to cut through the BS, but thought you were pretty much an asshole. Then Heather started to chime in. And you are so right, Heather is super awesome !!

That you two chose each other told me there were all kinds of things about you (Hannah) I did not know, that there were many grand qualities you were keeping secret. I think, like me, you guard your softer side like a lion with it's kill.

But we both know you have one, and it's a pretty awesome, too. We know this specifically b/c of Heather. If you were just another in your face asshole who used the word fuck a lot, she wouldn't have hooked up with you.

_____________________________

(in reply to HannahLynHeather)

Post #: 14

RE: This might be a stupid question but... - 7/23/2011 5:29:31 AM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

Yup, I'm with the 'sub is a reflection' crowd.

I know that when I'm out with a kink crowd, how I act towards him and towards others is a reflection on him. I love and respect him, so I behave in the manner he prefers. Although to be honest, it's pretty much my natural manner anyway, which is I guess why we chose each other.

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 15

RE: This might be a stupid question but... - 7/23/2011 6:11:36 AM

erieangel

Posts: 2237
Joined: 6/19/2011
Status: offline

Thank for all of the insightful answers. Really, it was nothing I did not already know, I'd just never heard it stated "as a reflection of..." before.

And Hannah, I see where you are coming from. You and Heather both seem to be awesome people--which is what makes things work for you two. I doubt either of you would have chosen people who aren't awesome--so in a way you are reflections of one another. I get that I'm person first, always, and so does he. Every conversation we'd had has started with him asking how my day at work was, we've talked about our pasts, what we hope for the future and the trials of our lives as single parents because he was one too. And he asked for my advice on how to get his 26 yr. old son to move out. I suggested he charge rent.

I spoke with the gentleman a little further on this issue last night and he did expound on what he had meant. And it is pretty what others have said here.

(in reply to myotherself)

Post #: 16

RE: This might be a stupid question but... - 7/23/2011 6:45:39 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Lie down with dogs, rise up with fleas.
The kind of person you choose to be with says a lot about you, from either side of the kneel.

All in all, he sounds like a smart, healthy individual. I wish you good luck.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to erieangel)

Post #: 17

RE: This might be a stupid question but... - 7/23/2011 6:50:30 AM

DecadentDesire

Posts: 234
Joined: 6/18/2011
Status: offline

The quality of our partners reflects the quality of our character in any relationship. What is that saying? "You judge a man by the company he keeps"?

Of course, in a D/S relationship, I think it extends a little bit beyond that rule of the thumb. When one person is conforming to the personal preferences of another, the person's style of dress, physical appearance and mannerisms become a reflection of those preferences. Alternatively, when someone make a degree of their happiness dependent on the approval of another, the state of that person's mental health becomes a reflection of the leadership skills of the other person.

So, like all one-liners, there is some practical merit to it. However, I think people tend to take this notion too far, particularly in fictional literature, misrepresenting the influence and power a dominant has over a submissive to god-like proportions.

I have yet to feel like some artisan, molding my submissive, like a ball of clay, into my own personal vision. Usually, I am just happy when I can get them to take out the goddamn trash consistently.

< Message edited by DecadentDesire -- 7/23/2011 6:52:38 AM >

_____________________________

I was once a Rabbit, driven Mad, by the Decadence of his Desires...

(in reply to erieangel)

Post #: 18

RE: This might be a stupid question but... - 7/23/2011 8:21:58 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

*sigh* I'm becoming convinced the only way I'm going to start being referred to as "he" on the forums is by changing my username. It's a real problem.

It was the "a" at the end...enjoy your new nick!

(in reply to Palliata)

Post #: 19

RE: This might be a stupid question but... - 7/23/2011 5:53:15 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DecadentDesire
I have yet to feel like some artisan, molding my submissive, like a ball of clay, into my own personal vision. Usually, I am just happy when I can get them to take out the goddamn trash consistently.

That's the guy's job, didn't you know?

And although I doubt he sits down daily thinking about how to mold me, the truth is over the 8 years we've been together that is what's happened.

Unfortunately some of it was unplanned and has him thinking about how to undo it.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to DecadentDesire)

Post #: 20

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