Why did I get topped from the bottom? (Full Version)

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The8thForay -> Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 6:56:22 AM)

I was in a relationship where early on she told me about her lifestyle. She left the scene (needles and some caning were her favs) and we had a great D/s relationship, a lot of breath play, hard face smacking, humiliation, deep throat holding, restraints, etc. She told me over an over that I was the only man and Dom to ever tame her. When we met it took 20 mins of oral to get her off and never had any of kind of orgasm. 7 months in: she was getting off from 5 mins of oral, getting off from penetration only, had her first anal orgasm, and first multiple, I even would put get in that sub space ( where she would cry to "get it out" which def freaked me out the first time) But she also walked into our relationship our of a 10 yr failed marriage/relationship. She has no self worth, has been bulimic since 14, has compulsive workout issues, nd was ver bi polar. She was also an endorphin junkie.

As I look back, outside of the bedroom I treated us like a 50/50 relationship, I cherished her, took VERY good care of her every need, the things a man and Dom is supposed to do. The last month of our relationship we were the closest we had ever been, but, without it previously being discussed, when we had a ad argument she brought violence into an argument and pushed me to the point where I picked her up, and put her on a bathroom counter to calm her down. Then, I saw it- the sub space look. She pushed me to the point where she got me to react to her in our bf/gf relationship. I immediately left, and we haven't spoken since (2 months) we were together 7 months and was my first relationship in 6 yrs. I loved her like I have never loved another woman.

Why did she top me, and How do I spot the warning signs?. I loved the connection we had which was way more intense that a vanilla relstiinship. I want to continue with D/s but I won't have my heart broke like this again.



DarkSteven -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 7:14:22 AM)

Cliff's notes.

Title - Why did I get topped from the bottom?  Could be interpreted as why did I allow it, or why did she do it.

First paragraph - The sex was good.  She had issues, and had a previous failed marriage.  No info about myself, which implies any fault must have been with her.

Second paragraph - I was good to her.  She got violent and I left.

Last paragraph - What happened?

------------

You walked into a relationship with an unstable girl.  She had just walked out of a ten year commitment and you were the rebound.  She held back her anger issues for seven months, and finally felt comfortable enough to show that side to you.

Your initial reaction to her rage was correct - you asserted control.  You could have either comforted her or spanked the holy hell out of her at that point - I'm not saying which would have worked better.  Instead of working through the issues, you left her.

Note that you had not had a relationship in six years.  I bet the reason is that you leave when things get difficult instead of working it through.

To answer your question - you deal with topping from the bottom by reasserting yourself.  It DOES happen. Don't expect it to be 100% compliance.

Fella, have you ever heard that a submissive is not a doormat? 





MissImmortalPain -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 7:15:25 AM)

To be honest it doesn't sound to me like you got topped from the bottom. It doesn't even sound to me like you were in a D/s realationship. It sounds to me like you fell in love with a woman that has a lot of emotional issues. Perhaps from the marrage. That she didn't have time to work out before she got involved with you. I know it's sad and it hurts you because you seem to really care for her, but a lot of realationships don't work out for a lot of different reasons. You shouldn't let it stop you from trying again.

p.s. - try and remember that a lot of vannilla girls can be into kink and not understand the lifestyle.



leadership527 -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 7:35:28 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: The8thForay
Why did she top me, and How do I spot the warning signs?.

She topped you because you abandoned the dominant position so she took it over. People hate a leadership vacuum. You weren't filling the spot so she did. It's just that simple. You did NOT do the things a dom is supposed to do because the major thing in that category is "be dominant"

Consider the phrase, "she pushed me to the point". In fact, the entire nature of your question is really from a submissive viewpoint. If you saw yourself as in control... starting with yourself, you'd have asked something like this:

I allowed my sub to manipulate me. How can I avoid this behavior in the future.

By pushing responsibility to her side, you automatically abandon any authority.

Just remember that in order for her to top you from the bottom, you have to be bottoming from the top. -- SimplyMichael



Epytropos -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 7:36:56 AM)

Something about this story seems off to me. I can't put my finger on it, but there's an oddity here. You talk about this girls issues and all the various vagaries of it in a cursory but comprehensive manner, then you talk about your relationship in a way which could have been summed up as "we had a normal relationship with kinky sex" and mention nothing of the interaction between those issues and the relationship, and then we cut to an argument we know nothing about and a very vague description of an event which honestly I'm still not sure I follow and then you left. I'm going with Steven's version that she turned violent towards you, if only because I'm starved for choice.

So here's where I'm fuzzy. You talk about topping from the bottom, but unless your assertion is essentially that she turned violent to elicit a dominant response from you then that doens't mean what you think it means. Honestly it seems to me that you put a broken girl in a situation which glorified violence and then fled in shock when she turned to violence. That's what broken people DO when you make violence a solution. They don't fall into an obedient posture and recognize that your violence is part of your role as a Dom and accept that, they internalize that violence is a way to express distaste for a situation and they lash out. There's a reason its not a great idea to get involved with unstable people especially under those circumstances, and especially when you're going to try and have a D/s sex life and a nilla love life. If you got 7 months in to dealing with her issues I'm confused as to why, instead of simply reasserting your control and then explaining that violence is a punishment not a form of combat, you decided to call that a dealbreaker and walk away from a woman you "loved like [you] have never loved another woman."

In short, you were playing with fire, you had to have known you were playing with fire, and then you got a very mild proximity burn and fled with nary a backwards glance. What the fuck?



AngelControlsU -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 8:53:17 AM)

When I saw your post title I clicked eagerly because subs who top from the bottom is one of my pet peves and I find that many try to do that here on collarme, when I rent the content of your post however I was confused and that is not what this story seems to be about.

I very much agree with the other posters, The first paragraph you talk about the sexual aspects of your relationship, (I really do not see what that even has to do with the point of your post but I get it, you thought you were very compatible sexually) then you go on to finish that paragraph telling about all of her problems, This of course could only be her fault as it seems you are flawless. You talk about how well you treated her and how you did everything a Dom is suppose to do but hen you get in to your first real argument with this woman, she lashes out (because believe it or not, not all subs are going to act submissive every second of every day in every situation) and although your reaction seems perfectly fine to me, picking her up and setting her on the counter does not hurt her, and it also could be seen as re-establishing your dominance in a non-violent but assertive way. But then you just leave? And now you are here claiming you are the one who is broken hearted? I would not be the least bit surprised if there was another post from a girl here asking how she could have been so wrong, after thinking that she had found a Dom who truly loved and cared about her only to find out that the first mistake she made, he dropped her like a bad habit. You do not sound very dominant to me, maybe in the bedroom but that is not where a D/s relationship ends. Some people think if you just check the “Dom” box that subs will come flocking and do anything you wish and there will be no work or effort on your part. This is never true any good relationship takes work and effort whether vanilla or D/s and I think most D/s relationships take even more work in the beginning as trust may be even more crucial.

She did not “top you from the bottom” in fact it sounds more like you Bottomed from the top if anything. She lashed out at you in a way you find unacceptable and instead of trying to work though that you gave up and ran away, I do not know everything but it seems obvious from what you posted that you did not love her all that much. You say you loved her like you have never loved another woman but I really can’t see saying you love someone like that and then running away at the first time things get tough. You say you won’t have your heart broken like this again, well then I suggest you either only date perfectly perfect people or you actually try to put a little bit of effort in to your next relationship and maybe just maybe take a little bit of responsibility for your actions next time instead of just putting it all off on the other person, yes she may have some issues but you knew about them when you decided to get in to a relationship with her. You sound a little silly when you say “she also walked into our relationship our of a 10 yr failed marriage/relationship. She has no self worth, has been bulimic since 14, has compulsive workout issues, and was very bi polar. She was also an endorphin junkie.” “But I just don’t understand why it didn’t work out?”





littlewonder -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 9:04:14 AM)

it doesn't sound like you had a bdsm relationship. You had a kinky relationship with a fucked up girl.

She had problems way before you and you just got sucked into it.

Next time get to know someone before getting involved with them.




JanahX -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 9:15:11 AM)

OP wrote:

" But she also walked into our relationship our of a 10 yr failed marriage/relationship. She has no self worth, has been bulimic since 14, has compulsive workout issues, nd was ver bi polar. She was also an endorphin junkie. "

Uh ... well uhhh ... she was bi-polar and had an eating disorder. Bi-polar people tend to get whacked out every now and then. Did you think she was going to act normal every day for the rest of your lives? Ive seen some people with bi-polar that get really fucking freaky and just go nuts.

It sounds like you guys had great chemistry but if you just left after one incident, then you guys wernt really friends. People, especially (and I'm not sure why this is) that attach themselves with the tag "bdsm" seem to think that the kink or whatever internet jargon you want to attach like "topping from the bottom" are immune to the real every day glue that it takes to actually have longevity in a couple relationship. Like uhhh ...try friendship.

I truly believe you have to be friends with the person in order to want to deal with them afterwards when things go south. If the friendship is solid, then you have the foundation to forgive and move on. If youre not friends with them, its really easy to say fuck it and leave.

Oh and btw: nice add in in your profile where you dog on her for everyone to see. REALLY A CLASS ACT.

No Bi-Polar, no Bulimia, no image issues, no self esteem problems, and if you do, keep that shit in check and away from our time together. I seriously have wasted to much time trying to fix what is broken. Was that too forward? Oh well if it is... It will scare away women who aren't what I'm about. Any takers?

It just screams it IS WHAT YOU ARE ALL ABOUT. wtf.
I also agree with what darksteven said. Totally right on the money.



Tristan -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 10:01:37 AM)

This doesn't sound like a topping from the bottom problem.  This sounds like your g/f freaked out in a moment of intense emotion.  It sounds like she has a history of emotional issues that you previously recognized.  It's unclear as to why these emotional issues first became a problem with this one argument.  You're very unclear as to what the argument was about so I can't really comment much more than this.

It sounds like you handled her emotional outburst well.  Depending on whether she was physically violent toward you or just throwing things around is unclear too.  Physical violence toward another person is definitely a hard boundary.  Again, this has nothing to do with topping from the bottom, and the warning signs were the emotional issues you described. 



erieangel -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 10:12:26 AM)

Everybody above said what I would have.

Dude, you have serious issues about what a relationship is.



HannahLynHeather -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 10:14:54 AM)


ok first you claim you're doing a d/s relationship. good for you
quote:

we had a great D/s relationship,
then you go and fucking say this shit
quote:

She pushed me to the point where she got me to react to her in our bf/gf relationship.
what the fuck? there's only one relationship. it includes all of it. the ass smacking and the hand holding and the taking out of garbage. its all part of the same fucking relationship and if even one part of it is fucked the whole thing is on shaky ground.

i'm having trouble getting why the fuck you left, the best i could figure is you had an argument and in the middle of that argument she had a "i'm yours, stop talking, slap me around and fuck me ragged" moment. and instead of taking the bitch by the hair and dragging her to the floor, ripping her clothes off and ass-raping her like the sick little fuckpuppy she is, you got scared and ran away.

she isn't the only one with fucking issues dude, not by a long shot. before you try this shit again, grow some fucking balls.



JanahX -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 10:17:05 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: HannahLynHeather


ok first you claim you're doing a d/s relationship. good for you
quote:

we had a great D/s relationship,
then you go and fucking say this shit
quote:

She pushed me to the point where she got me to react to her in our bf/gf relationship.
what the fuck? there's only one relationship. it includes all of it. the ass smacking and the hand holding and the taking out of garbage. its all part of the same fucking relationship and if even one part of it is fucked the whole thing is on shaky ground.

i'm having trouble getting why the fuck you left, the best i could figure is you had an argument and in the middle of that argument she had a "i'm yours, stop talking, slap me around and fuck me ragged" moment. and instead of taking the bitch by the hair and dragging her to the floor, ripping her clothes off and ass-raping her like the sick little fuckpuppy she is, you got scared and ran away.

she isn't the only one with fucking issues dude, not by a long shot. before you try this shit again, grow some fucking balls.


NO SHIT !!! nicely said !



DecadentDesire -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 10:56:44 AM)

Well, the bad news is, based on how I define a D/S relationship, you didn't have a D/S relationship. The good news is that since you didn't have one you didn't get topped from the bottom.

If it were a D/S relationship, topping from the bottom usually occurs from the absence of proper dominance and leadership or, at the very least, the expression of it. As a general rule of thumb, if you allow someone to walk all over you they will and submissive women will do it in a hard beat if they perceive you as not strong or capable enough to enforce boundaries. It's part of the whole "testing one's dominance" stage of a relationship.

Alternatively, it also occurs when a submissive either doesn't know how to properly communicate what they want or need or are afraid communicating it directly will make them appear "un-subly". Thus, the submissive acts out by being "bratty" or using other passive aggressive methods to manipulate the dominant into doing what the want.

You learn how to handle both of these situations with experience.

Of course, none of this is applicable because you weren't in a relationship with a clear authority dynamic in place. You had a girlfriend with some problems that you had a lot of kinky sex with and who one day, decided to flip out over some emotional button you triggered. You just so happened to respond to that in a constructive and positive way (kudos for you) that changer her perception of you to one of the stronger figure, and thus, brought out her internal submission.



HannahLynHeather -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 11:17:46 AM)

quote:

As a general rule of thumb, if you allow someone to walk all over you they will and submissive women will do it in a hard beat if they perceive you as not strong or capable enough to enforce boundaries. It's part of the whole "testing one's dominance" stage of a relationship.

bullshit. you don't fucking know much about women do you? i'm a woman, i've been a sub. when i top from the bottom its because my top is boring, she isn't doing the shit i want her to. this "testing one's dominance" shit is just that. dumb assed shit doms make up because they can't accept the fact that the girls beneath them really don't think they are all that fucking different from other guys. we just want you to beat the crap out of us and fuck us raw the way we like to be beat and fucked. and if you don't do it that way, or often enough, then sure as fucking is fun we're gonna let you know about it.

do us the way we're looking to be done and we don't give a flying fuck about the rest, you can do your mental jerk off over the true nature of your domliness if you want, fuck it, go for it. as long as i get a fist up me on a semi-regular basis i'm game for whatever stupidity you want to wrap our fucking in to protect your ego from the truth.



DecadentDesire -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 11:26:20 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: HannahLynHeather

quote:

As a general rule of thumb, if you allow someone to walk all over you they will and submissive women will do it in a hard beat if they perceive you as not strong or capable enough to enforce boundaries. It's part of the whole "testing one's dominance" stage of a relationship.

bullshit. you don't fucking know much about women do you? i'm a woman, i've been a sub. when i top from the bottom its because my top is boring, she isn't doing the shit i want her to. this "testing one's dominance" shit is just that. dumb assed shit doms make up because they can't accept the fact that the girls beneath them really don't think they are all that fucking different from other guys. we just want you to beat the crap out of us and fuck us raw the way we like to be beat and fucked. and if you don't do it that way, or often enough, then sure as fucking is fun we're gonna let you know about it.

do us the way we're looking to be done and we don't give a flying fuck about the rest, you can do your mental jerk off over the true nature of your domliness if you want, fuck it, go for it. as long as i get a fist up me on a semi-regular basis i'm game for whatever stupidity you want to wrap our fucking in to protect your ego from the truth.



Interesting, but absolutely nothing to do with the context I am talking about topping from the bottom in.



HannahLynHeather -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 12:07:32 PM)

yes it fucking is, doughnut hole. yes it fucking is.

if your slut is acting up and suddenly being bratty, it's not to test your dominance, she's trying to fucking fix it. she already tested it and found it wanting. it's because you aren't being fucking dominant enough to suit her tastes.

i swear by ruth's sweet and sacred sucking lips! how can so many doms be so completely unaware of what is actually going on. it fucking astounds me.



LadyPact -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 12:22:00 PM)

Well, I read the post, but aside from kinky sex, I'm trying to figure out where the Dominant part comes in. 

"As I look back, outside of the bedroom I treated us like a 50/50 relationship."

"our bf/gf relationship."

Seems to Me you were just involved with somebody who was pretty messed up, might have been repressed sexually a bit after a failed marriage, and there wasn't really a lot of control going on.

The men out there are going to hate Me for this one, but here's a fact.  Good sex doesn't make you Dominant.  Getting someone to have great orgasms doesn't make you Dominant.  Knowing how to make somebody cum doesn't make you Dominant.  Sex and dominance are two entirely different things.  You may enjoy that power of somebody in ecstasy, holding power over them while you are holding them on the edge of that orgasm, but even that doesn't make you Dominant.

If she was really the person with the underlying control or you had an equal relationship, she didn't top you from the bottom.  You were never the person in control to begin with.



Epytropos -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 12:30:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: HannahLynHeather
bullshit. you don't fucking know much about women do you? i'm a woman, i've been a sub. when i top from the bottom its because my top is boring, she isn't doing the shit i want her to. this "testing one's dominance" shit is just that. dumb assed shit doms make up because they can't accept the fact that the girls beneath them really don't think they are all that fucking different from other guys. we just want you to beat the crap out of us and fuck us raw the way we like to be beat and fucked. and if you don't do it that way, or often enough, then sure as fucking is fun we're gonna let you know about it.

do us the way we're looking to be done and we don't give a flying fuck about the rest, you can do your mental jerk off over the true nature of your domliness if you want, fuck it, go for it. as long as i get a fist up me on a semi-regular basis i'm game for whatever stupidity you want to wrap our fucking in to protect your ego from the truth.



This is a drastic oversimplification at best. Even if things could be boiled down that far and complex human motivation brought down to a 'fuck me beat me bite me' level, which I would strongly assert that they could not, that doesn't mean that there aren't many subs who get off on testing their limitations. It's like having a kid - sometimes they just want to fuck around and figure out where exactly the line is between cute and precocious and obnoxious and in need of discipline. Add a sexual thrill to that process and you have a strong motivator for brattiness and challenging the gates even if the dominant in question is meeting their kink needs.

Yes, there are definitely plenty of situations in which the dom is simply shit and not living up to their end of the bargain, or the two of them are incompatible and what one wants cannot be fully met by the other period, but there are also plenty more where it's something the sub needs to get (which is to say, have beaten) out of their system or it comes form any of another billion psychological crannies we all have lurking around.



HannahLynHeather -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 12:48:26 PM)

quote:

This is a drastic oversimplification at best. Even if things could be boiled down that far and complex human motivation brought down to a 'fuck me beat me bite me' level, which I would strongly assert that they could not, that doesn't mean that there aren't many subs who get off on testing their limitations. It's like having a kid - sometimes they just want to fuck around and figure out where exactly the line is between cute and precocious and obnoxious and in need of discipline. Add a sexual thrill to that process and you have a strong motivator for brattiness and challenging the gates even if the dominant in question is meeting their kink needs.
and that's not topping from the bottom, now is it? for fucks sake man, you're smarter than that, pay attention.



Epytropos -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 12:54:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: HannahLynHeather
and that's not topping from the bottom, now is it? for fucks sake man, you're smarter than that, pay attention.


No, but I thought that was obvious. I rather assumed we were discussing the broader issue of control challenges, since I don't think anyone in the thread is operating on the actual definition of the phrase (least of all the OP).



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