RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (Full Version)

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HannahLynHeather -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 1:04:50 PM)

i've been replying to dec/des and he's talking specifically about topping from the bottom. he said so himself.

but regarding what you said, i don't see that as testing your dominance either, its testing fucking limits. not your dominance. your dominance is something within her, not you.



Epytropos -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 1:18:48 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: HannahLynHeather

but regarding what you said, i don't see that as testing your dominance either, its testing fucking limits. not your dominance. your dominance is something within her, not you.



Fair enough.

Your term is probably the better usage.  She's not testing the relationship, and definitely not herself, she's testing you and what you're willing to accept.



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 1:29:25 PM)

You had a crazy g/f who liked kinky sex. You didn't have a D/s relationship, you were a bedroom dom only. So you had great sex with a crazy girl, *that* was your relationship.

You say during a bad argument she "brought violence into an argument and pushed me to the point where I picked her up, and put her on a bathroom counter to calm her down."

Okay so she tested her limits and your dominance, and you did just fine (you responded with control) until you freaked out and left, deciding she had "topped" you. (I think that's what happened. Did you respond with violence? Is that what freaked you?)

She didn't top you, she freaked. What about fucking a crazy girl don't you get? She was bound to freak sooner or later. She did, and you freaked right back, and now you haven't seen her since and your heart is broken.

You ask in your OP: How do I spot the warning signs?

Er, don't fuck the crazy chicks.

This sounds like a super cluster fuck and I am quite certain we don't have all the details (i.e. the ones that make the OP look bad).

And yeah, it is rather rude for me to keep calling her crazy, but dude, from your own lips:  " . . . she also walked into our relationship our of a 10 yr failed marriage/relationship. She has no self worth, has been bulimic since 14, has compulsive workout issues, nd was ver bi polar. She was also an endorphin junkie. "

That's great you are not up for rushing into another relationship. I strongly suggest you examine why you hooked up with this female, and most especially what it says about who you are that you loved it so much despite her limitations  -- much of it must have been drama hell.















DecadentDesire -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 2:13:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: HannahLynHeather

yes it fucking is, doughnut hole. yes it fucking is.

if your slut is acting up and suddenly being bratty, it's not to test your dominance, she's trying to fucking fix it. she already tested it and found it wanting. it's because you aren't being fucking dominant enough to suit her tastes.

i swear by ruth's sweet and sacred sucking lips! how can so many doms be so completely unaware of what is actually going on. it fucking astounds me.



You know Hannah, I really wouldn't mind having a back and forth on this discussion with anyone else on the message boards, but sadly, I've recently come to decide that responding to your posts isn't fun for me and I don't have any interest in doing so.



LadyPact -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 2:18:25 PM)

DD, I understand your thoughts on the matter, but damn near every person of the Dominant persuasion has said the same thing.  I'll ask you to read the original again.  By *your* definition, was this OP ever in control?



DecadentDesire -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 2:20:31 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Epytropos

quote:

ORIGINAL: HannahLynHeather
and that's not topping from the bottom, now is it? for fucks sake man, you're smarter than that, pay attention.


No, but I thought that was obvious. I rather assumed we were discussing the broader issue of control challenges, since I don't think anyone in the thread is operating on the actual definition of the phrase (least of all the OP).



Well, I certainly was. I use "topping from the bottom" to describe a whole range of passive aggressive behaviors that involve manipulating your dominant in the relationship, and not just simply the scenario of a bottom controlling their top during sex or play.

But...hey....guess I was dead wrong about all of that. And in my new enlightened knowledge of women passed down to me via the enjoyable articulations of Hannah, I will now be forgetting everything I ever knew and will just be using fisting to solve all my D/S relationship problems.



DecadentDesire -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 2:22:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

DD, I understand your thoughts on the matter, but damn near every person of the Dominant persuasion has said the same thing.  I'll ask you to read the original again.  By *your* definition, was this OP ever in control?


No, because their relationship simply wasn't about that beyond the bedroom.



LadyPact -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 2:43:51 PM)

Exactly.  That is what most of us (if not all) are saying here.  The guy didn't lose control because he never *had* control.  In such, the 'topping from the bottom' phrase doesn't apply.



kalikshama -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 2:48:30 PM)

quote:

we had a bad argument she brought violence into an argument and pushed me to the point where I picked her up, and put her on a bathroom counter to calm her down. Then, I saw it- the sub space look. She pushed me to the point where she got me to react to her in our bf/gf relationship. I immediately left, and we haven't spoken since (2 months)


Kudos for de-escalating the situation. What about it caused you to abandon the relationship? I'm with the others who do not see you as having been topped from the bottom, unless you mean she was deliberating being violent to provoke a dominant response from you. But rather than calculation on her part, sounds like an argument that got out of control.

Unmedicated/untreated bi polars are very difficult to live with. Were you encouraging her to get proper medical care? Did you get support from organizations like NAMI.org? Or were you just enjoying the wild sex?

Tip - negativity in ones profile is a real turn-off. Makes you look bad for having made bad choices. Lie down with dogs, get up with fleas and all that.



HannahLynHeather -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 4:12:50 PM)

quote:

You know Hannah, I really wouldn't mind having a back and forth on this discussion with anyone else on the message boards, but sadly, I've recently come to decide that responding to your posts isn't fun for me and I don't have any interest in doing so.
[:D] don't fucking like it much when somebody cuts right through your airy fairy bullshit and tells you the truth do you?



HannahLynHeather -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 4:14:41 PM)

quote:

I use "topping from the bottom" to describe a whole range of passive aggressive behaviors that involve manipulating your dominant in the relationship, and not just simply the scenario of a bottom controlling their top during sex or play.
which isn't what it fucking means, which leads us to point #2:

quote:

I will now be forgetting everything I ever knew
that will take about 0.003 microseconds, because you didn't know squat. you thought you did, but it was all crap.



DecadentDesire -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 5:07:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: HannahLynHeather
[:D] don't fucking like it much when somebody cuts right through your airy fairy bullshit and tells you the truth do you?


Well, if you want to know the truth, it's mostly, because I find my responses to you to be similar to the ones I give my 13 year old nephew with Down syndrome who can't properly communicate with adults.

I'm mostly humoring him, pretending that I am interested in his non-sense, but in reality, I don't care much. It's of no consequence to me, trivial, and not anything I really care much about. I'm mostly just doing to be polite. Sadly, that's all it really is, because when you're on such different levels, it's impossible to have a real conversation or discussion.

But, of course, you're not my nephew. I'm not obliged to give you any time or attention. I'm here to have adult discussion with other people where we share ideas and learn from a difference of opinion, not to fend off a flame war from a child who needs to make it clear to everyone how super tough and dominant they are with obscenities and rudeness.

And when you combine  that with the fact, that despite how much you wish it may be true, I don't have a care in the world about your approval, opinion, judgements, or "convincing you" in some long drawn out debate about how right I am, it tends to prompt the question of....

"Why am I wasting my time responding at all?"

Have a good evening.

(But hey...you can go with the whole "cutting threw my bullshit thing" if you want. I don't mind. I'll even play along. Whatever gets you to bed and up for the next day.)



AngelControlsU -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 5:35:15 PM)

Hey DD, I just wanted to point out that whole actions speak louder then words thing, and while you say you are not interested in defending yourself or even replying to Hanna, you keep doing it. You say you don’t have a care in the world about her approval or convincing her or a long drawn out debate yet you keep responding and your responses are longer and more drawn out then hers. It just seems like in your attempt to dispel any thoughts that she might be getting to you, you are in fact proving that she is, likening her to your nephew with down syndrome also shows she is hitting a nerve as well. In stead of doing what you say you want to which is to not respond to or engage her, you try to insult her while claiming to be on such a higher level then her, yet so easily you sink down to that level you profess to be so above.

just sayin...



AngelControlsU -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 5:38:48 PM)

I am also wondering if The8thForay is going to come back and give us any more info or comment on any of the comments he asked for, or if he is just going to slink away with his tail between his legs?



DecadentDesire -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 5:42:49 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AngelControlsU

Hey DD, I just wanted to point out that whole actions speak louder then words thing, and while you say you are not interested in defending yourself or even replying to Hanna, you keep doing it. You say you don’t have a care in the world about her approval or convincing her or a long drawn out debate yet you keep responding ad your responses are longer and more drawn out then hers. It just seems like in your attempt to dispel any thoughts that she might be getting to you, you are in fact proving that she is, likening her to your nephew with down syndrome also shows she is hitting a nerve as well. In stead of doing what you say you want to which is to not respond to or engage her, you try to insult her while claiming to be on such a higher level then her, yet so easily you sink down to that level you profess to be so above.

just sayin...


Thanks for your opinion. I figured, at least, one person would perceive my response along those lines. However, I do think if you're going to make a point to say your done discussing with someone, it's a good courtesy to follow up with an explanation as to why, particularly when prompted.

But hey...think what you want about me and my responses.



DecadentDesire -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 6:07:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Exactly.  That is what most of us (if not all) are saying here.  The guy didn't lose control because he never *had* control.  In such, the 'topping from the bottom' phrase doesn't apply.


And that's what I am saying. I don't quite get where our misunderstanding is on this.

The OP was using "topping from the bottom" as a phrase to describe being manipulated by his girl in his supposed D/S relationship. He also asked for advice on to avoid that in the future. I provided a list of reasons and situations where it commonly happens. I called it "topping from the bottom", because that was the context the OP used it in, not because I was trying to provide a proper BDSM definition of "topping from the bottom".



Arpig -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 6:34:24 PM)

quote:

your dominance is something within her, not you.
Care to explain just HOW, his dominance is something within her?



NuevaVida -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 6:50:26 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

quote:

your dominance is something within her, not you.
Care to explain just HOW, his dominance is something within her?


Hi Arpig,

I think I get what she's saying.  The most domliest of all domly doms might not have the power to dominate *me*, because I have to feel it within, in order for him to be able to have any power/control/dominance over me. If I didn't respond to the Mister as I do, he wouldn't be able to dominate me, even though he might be the perfect dominant for someone else.  I have to be touched enough to respond to it.

It's a chemistry thing.

As for the OP, wow, you left the second things got bad, without another word.  That's rough. It's within your prerogative to do so, but you've taken a messed up woman you claim to have loved more than you've ever loved, and abandoned her without any explanation?  Why would you further mess someone up like that?  Here's the thing - it was your choice to take on someone with serious issues.  Sure, in retrospect, maybe it was a bad idea, but I'd think you might owe it to someone you loved and chose to be responsible for to at least explain where you were coming from.

I'm going to agree with what others have said here - you didn't have control in the first place.  I don't believe in the notion of "topping from the bottom" because a submissive does what she (or he) is allowed to do. Therefore, if you allowed certain behaviors, then it's on you - she didn't grab control away from you, you gave it to her.

I know these posts must be a bit rough to receive.  Hopefully you'll absorb what's being said and look inward, to create a healthier and more stable relationship for yourself in the future. My best to you.



Arpig -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 6:53:16 PM)

quote:

I really wouldn't mind having a back and forth on this discussion with anyone else on the message boards,
Yeah you would, you have a bad habit of just dismissing those who disagree with you or twisting what you said around so you can claim you said what they said, depending on who the poster is. Pretty much the way you do with LP in post #36, where you said
quote:

And that's what I am saying.
That's wonderful, except that the point she made is NOT what you had been saying at all.
You also say:
quote:

I don't quite get where our misunderstanding is on this.
Somewhat pathetic, if true, but I'll help you out anyway.

The misunderstanding comes from the fact that up until she made her point, you hadn't been making the same point at all. You had been saying something very different. Or at least, it comes across as that way from the words you chose to use to express yourself, though I'm sure you will deny you actually intended to say what those words express. Maybe you should chose your words better, so they say what you mean the first time and nobody has to correct you.



Arpig -> RE: Why did I get topped from the bottom? (7/24/2011 6:57:02 PM)

quote:

Hi Arpig,

I think I get what she's saying. The most domliest of all domly doms might not have the power to dominate *me*, because I have to feel it within, in order for him to be able to have any power/control/dominance over me. If I didn't respond to the Mister as I do, he wouldn't be able to dominate me, even though he might be the perfect dominant for someone else. I have to be touched enough to respond to it.
OK, that makes sense, perfect sense. It's pretty much the old "I'm a sub but not your sub" idea.

Thanks NV.

----Hanners, you have mail.



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