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possessiveness? - 7/27/2011 12:14:09 AM

LillyBoPeep

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this is spinning off from the "Call him Master" thread which is 2 years old and will probably be closed. i didn't want to post on it, but thought the topic was interesting. =p

is "my" an off-limits word to you? has it ever been?
to me, "my" isn't always indicative of possession; saying "my brother" doesn't imply that i own my brother, so, to me, saying "my Master," doesn't imply that i own a Master, either, just that there's a relationship between that person and me.

but i know for many people, in their own perfectly valid logic, "my" is an off-limits word.

if possessiveness is an issue for you, how do you deal with it? is your usage of "my" curbed to deal with possessiveness, or does your Person-In-Charge not mind it? again, some people are sticklers, and others prefer their s-types to be just as possessive as they are.

in my last relationship, the Person i was with had a lot of chicks after him, which was bemusing to me. =p i didn't really have possessiveness issues, though, because i didn't think of it as my business, and the way he dealt with it was always being honest with me. there was one chick in particular who would call him when she thought i wasn't there, or come over and try to get him to fuck her, and he'd turn her down and tell me about it later. so i always knew where his feelings were, and never felt like i was in the dark. (i heard him tell her on the phone once that he already had a girl he was happy with. =p it made me wonder what she was saying to him, but i had a laugh to myself about it. =p)
i'm not sure how i would deal with a situation where that kind of transparency didn't exist. he didn't really care what i called him; "my boyfriend" wasn't out of line, and the "my" was understood as a non-possessive "my."

anyway, i think i'm kind of rambling now but do you have rules in your relationship to encourage a headspace without possessiveness? or does your D not particularly care too much? do you deal with interactions with other people in a transparent way, or a "dont ask, don't tell" way? i know some s-folk prefer not to know what the D is doing if it involves others.
just a ponder.

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RE: possessiveness? - 7/27/2011 3:12:32 AM

Focus50

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From: Newcastle, Australia
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My D/s relationships include an ownership dynamic - which logically equates to my being possessive of my girl....

The girl refers to me as "Sir" (I hate "Master") and when it's just us, sure, she can say I'm her Sir, or "my Sir" etc. But with 3rd parties in the know (BDSMers), she's expressly forbidden the "my" word when it comes to me - because it does imply an overt ownership link, just as your brother example does with you, btw. You're distinguishing *your* brother from brothers in general, even though there is no ownership dynamic in play between you.

But back to my girl.... She can use my name (talking to others) or say, for example, that "Sir did this or said that" etc but absolutely not "My Sir did this or said that....". However, outside the lifestyle, if she wants to refer to me as her boyfriend or "my boyfriend" to family or vanilla friends etc, I couldn't care less.

Focus.

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RE: possessiveness? - 7/27/2011 3:19:55 AM

RaspberryLemon

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Interesting subject.

My situation/opinion might not be the most common, but to us it makes sense.

My Master has no problem with "my." In fact, before these two threads it didn't even cross my mind to think of that it could possibly be an issue or off-limits for some. I do not own my Master, certainly not; and as you said--"my mother" or "my brother" doesn't indicate ownership either, it's simply a word to describe their relation to you. He is MY Master, because HE owns ME. I am HIS pet for the same reason. "His pet" also DOES indicate ownership because of the title of pet, however.

On the issue of possessiveness, I am allowed to be and even encouraged to be possessive of him to an extent--a healthy extent. It's just another way of showing him my devotion to him and my pride in being his. Our commitment to each other is not one-sided, and as such I have the right to feel that he is "mine" in a way--not mine in ownership, but mine because of his ownership of me (if that makes any sense.) I do understand that in some relationships or dynamics, this would seem wrong or off. But to us, this is how it's always been. He is, of course, also possessive of me. But that goes beyond the way I am allowed to feel possessive of him; he, as my Master, owns me--totally and completely.

I digress. To sum it up in shorter terms, "my Master" never occurred to me to be a term of ownership. And on the subject of possessiveness, a little possessiveness from my end is certainly allowed and appreciated by him, but also definitely not interpreted as possession OF him. For others, this may be different. But hey, it works for us (honesty and complete transparency from both sides are very important to us and our relationship.) I'm also interested in seeing how other people see this sort of thing, so great idea for the thread, once again!

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 3

RE: possessiveness? - 7/27/2011 3:37:40 AM

myotherself

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about 20 years ago when I moved from the North East of England to work in London, I started dating this guy. He used to get really annoyed when I referred to my parents and family as 'me mam' or 'me dad' or 'our Sara'. I didn't understand why he got so annoyed, and it turns out that adding the possessive to the front of the name isn't something that's done in the south of the country. To us, it's perfectly normal.

So fast forward, and I'm now back in the North East, land of the possessives

He doesn't seem to care if I call him just Master or my Master. I know he likes the possessives when it comes to me though - I wear a collar with a tag which starts with "My...". I love that.

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RE: possessiveness? - 7/27/2011 5:39:40 AM

Aileen1968

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I call him my man all of the time.
There has never been a question of who owns who in this relationship.

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RE: possessiveness? - 7/27/2011 7:05:00 AM

NuevaVida

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

I call him my man all of the time.
There has never been a question of who owns who in this relationship.

This.

I live in "my" home, even though I rent it and don't own it. I don't own "my" parents, either, or "my" job. I never understood the issues with the use of "my" owner,/master/man/etc. I mean, if I want to get really literal here, if the man owns all of me, which he does, then I shouldn't refer to "my" thoughts or feelings, either.

It's not an issue for us. He is my owner, master and daddy.

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RE: possessiveness? - 7/27/2011 7:47:51 AM

littlewonder

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What Aileen1968 and NuevaVida said.

He's never said anything so I'm assuming he doesn't mind. If he did I'm sure I'll find out lol.

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Post #: 7

RE: possessiveness? - 7/27/2011 7:57:39 AM

HannahLynHeather

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it's a total fucking non-issue invented by insecure twatwaffles who are so afraid of being seen as anything but superior and dominant that they can't actually be dominant.

not only does heather introduce me "my owner/girlfriend/lover", i have introduced myself as "heather's owner/girlfriend/lover".

if you think either the phrase "i'm her owner/master" or "he's my owner/master" implies she owns him, then you really should, as a public service, get a fucking tattoo on your forehead that reads "Brain-dead waste of DNA".

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RE: possessiveness? - 7/27/2011 8:10:06 AM

agirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

I call him my man all of the time.
There has never been a question of who owns who in this relationship.

Ditto.

It's just easy, natural and we don't tend to overthink.

When it comes to possessiveness.....I am a bit, now and then. We both are a bit, but me more so. I'm human and I have my little insecurities which have a little niggle now and then:)

Referring to him as *my Master*, or his name really has no impact either way and as NV said.......it's not an issue for us.

agirl

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Post #: 9

RE: possessiveness? - 7/27/2011 9:12:58 AM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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I'm a old English major. Screwing around with clearly understood language is a hard limit for me.

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Post #: 10

RE: possessiveness? - 7/27/2011 9:39:54 AM

lucidbenevolence

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Seriously, some people need to get over themselves. Any "master" who wants a sub/slave to speak poor English is no Master at all. A sub/slave is a representation of the Dom/Master who owns her. The more unintelligent a "master" wants his slave to sound, the more he sounds like an idiot himself. Where is the mastery in that??

I am exceptionally selective with whom I choose to engage in a relationship and submit to. If he can't demonstrate common sense, the self-confidence or the ability to exercise good judgment, then he's not someone I would want to be associated with. While I am a representation of my Master, He is also a representation of me whether anyone wants to admit that or not.

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Post #: 11

RE: possessiveness? - 7/27/2011 10:10:16 AM

littleone35

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We dont hav a roblem with me saying my Masteror my boyfriend. To us that indicates that he is with me not that i own him. I am always his sweetheart,girlriend when he says my sweetheart that is the possesive form of the pronoun because i do belong to him. I introduced him to my friends (the open minded ones) as my Master. it is a non issue for us.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to lucidbenevolence)

Post #: 12

RE: possessiveness? - 7/27/2011 10:14:25 AM

leadership527

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God it pains me beyond measure to agree with Aileen but ... yeah... what she said.

If not "my husband" or "my master" how exactly is Carol supposed to refer to me? "That guy over there?" "The guy I'm married to?" it all seems too complicated.

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I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
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RE: possessiveness? - 7/27/2011 10:28:50 AM

Epytropos

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Drastic overinterpretation of the language. My simply distinguishes the one which is linked to the speaker. Trying to do it otherwise is going to create confusion and awkwardness in the way you speak - like the people who insist on capitalizing the pronouns of their doms as if they were God and then needing a way to capitalize the collective and talking about how "W/we went to O/our favorite restaurant where She and i had lunch."

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They're only words. Don't dwell on them. They never mean what you think.

I speak only of My Way. Think it not an indictment of Your Way.

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Post #: 14

RE: possessiveness? - 7/27/2011 10:36:17 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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This:

quote:

ORIGINAL: HannahLynHeather

it's a total fucking non-issue invented by insecure twatwaffles who are so afraid of being seen as anything but superior and dominant that they can't actually be dominant.

not only does heather introduce me "my owner/girlfriend/lover", i have introduced myself as "heather's owner/girlfriend/lover".

if you think either the phrase "i'm her owner/master" or "he's my owner/master" implies she owns him, then you really should, as a public service, get a fucking tattoo on your forehead that reads "Brain-dead waste of DNA".

_____________________________

(in reply to HannahLynHeather)

Post #: 15

RE: possessiveness? - 7/27/2011 10:36:39 AM

kuppykake

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Epytropos

Drastic overinterpretation of the language. My simply distinguishes the one which is linked to the speaker. Trying to do it otherwise is going to create confusion and awkwardness in the way you speak - like the people who insist on capitalizing the pronouns of their doms as if they were God and then needing a way to capitalize the collective and talking about how "W/we went to O/our favorite restaurant where She and i had lunch."

Ah, the confusions of grammar, and the ways we tend to make it more confusing!

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RE: possessiveness? - 7/27/2011 10:58:22 AM

baddaddy2009

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For a group of kinky people who, presumably abhor judgmentalism of their lifestyle choices, there is an awful lot of that going on in this and many, many other threads. So far we have:

"it's a total fucking non-issue invented by insecure twatwaffles"

"Seriously, some people need to get over themselves."

"Drastic overinterpretation of the language."

I honestly don't understand why some of you can't simply answer the question asked (What is your personal preference as to the use of the word "MY") without being complete dicks/cunts?

(in reply to Epytropos)

Post #: 17

RE: possessiveness? - 7/27/2011 11:12:10 AM

Epytropos

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quote:

ORIGINAL: baddaddy2009

For a group of kinky people who, presumably abhor judgmentalism of their lifestyle choices, there is an awful lot of that going on in this and many, many other threads. So far we have:

"it's a total fucking non-issue invented by insecure twatwaffles"

"Seriously, some people need to get over themselves."

"Drastic overinterpretation of the language."

I honestly don't understand why some of you can't simply answer the question asked (What is your personal preference as to the use of the word "MY") without being complete dicks/cunts?

I won't speak to the former two, but I wrote the latter and it is simply a dispassionate analysis of the idea. It is, in fact, an overinterpretation of the meaning of the word in question. If people choose to pursue a path in their lifestyle which bases itself on that misinterpretation, I support them in that 100%, but the fact is that the word does not mean what they think it means and if pointing that fact out makes me judgmental so be it.

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They're only words. Don't dwell on them. They never mean what you think.

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RE: possessiveness? - 7/27/2011 11:16:55 AM

baddaddy2009

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Yes, Epytropos, yours was the least judgemental of the items I cited and with 51 posts to the forums, you're obviously not a repeat offender. I do slightly disagree with your interpretation, though. The term MY can sometimes be used to indicate possessiveness, as in "My dog", and while common usage of the term "my" in reference to family relations doesn't necessarily imply possessiveness, in reference to the phrasing "my girlfriend", my boyfriend", "my owner", it COULD be possessive and to avoid this type of confusion, some may choose to simply abolish the word, which I think is perfectly valid.

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Post #: 19

RE: possessiveness? - 7/27/2011 11:56:20 AM

Epytropos

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quote:

ORIGINAL: baddaddy2009

Yes, Epytropos, yours was the least judgemental of the items I cited and with 51 posts to the forums, you're obviously not a repeat offender. I do slightly disagree with your interpretation, though. The term MY can sometimes be used to indicate possessiveness, as in "My dog", and while common usage of the term "my" in reference to family relations doesn't necessarily imply possessiveness, in reference to the phrasing "my girlfriend", my boyfriend", "my owner", it COULD be possessive and to avoid this type of confusion, some may choose to simply abolish the word, which I think is perfectly valid.

This is my second account - my other one is 300+ posts of pure, unadulterated judgment. I'm pretty proud of it

As to the issue, that's why I called it an overinterpretation rather than an outright inability to speak English - the possibility of 'my' as indicating ownership in other situations means that there is a logical basis for the interpretation, but they are stretching too far to reach it. Hence, overinterpretation. As to reducing confusion, I still haven't seen an alternative that doesn't increase it. The only way you could really do it would be to introduce as follows:

"Hello, this is Prima. I'm his slave."

That would work, but it would be an awkward construction, far more so than "This is my master, Prima."

As I said before, I'm trying to picture a situation in which you introduce someone as "my master" and people think you mean it in the sense that you would introduce "my dog" or "my car" and it's just not coming to me.

_____________________________

They're only words. Don't dwell on them. They never mean what you think.

I speak only of My Way. Think it not an indictment of Your Way.

(in reply to baddaddy2009)

Post #: 20

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