Married to a meth head

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Iamsemisweet -> Married to a meth head (7/27/2011 7:36:31 AM)
I have a friend who was married for 20 years to a man who was also her business partner. Turns out, for the last 10 years of their marriage, he was taking meth regularly. She says she didn't know because "he pretended to be an alcoholic.". She is understandably very bitter, and her latest thing is to publicly confront their mutual acquaintances and berate them for not telling her that her husband was smoking meth. I didn't know him, and I don't know that much about meth, but I do believe that since she was living with the guy, she was in a better position to notice than anyone. I don't want to be unsympathetic, but am I wrong here? Shouldn't the wife have been the first to know?

LadyConstanze -> RE: Married to a meth head (7/27/2011 7:44:12 AM)
I think addicts go through great lengths to hide their addiction, I don't know a lot about meth, just that it is some form of speed, I'd think you'd notice if somebody would be pretty hyper after having taken amphetamines, especially if you are married to that person?

RapierFugue -> RE: Married to a meth head (7/27/2011 7:46:22 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet I have a friend who was married for 20 years to a man who was also her business partner. Turns out, for the last 10 years of their marriage, he was taking meth regularly. She says she didn't know because "he pretended to be an alcoholic.". She is understandably very bitter, and her latest thing is to publicly confront their mutual acquaintances and berate them for not telling her that her husband was smoking meth. I didn't know him, and I don't know that much about meth, but I do believe that since she was living with the guy, she was in a better position to notice than anyone. I don't want to be unsympathetic, but am I wrong here? Shouldn't the wife have been the first to know? I could say all sorts of soothing things here ... but the bottom line is; a) Yes, she should but b) If someone really wants to cover up something like that then they will, or rather will find a way of masking it for a while. The truth tends to out sooner or later, as wrecked people (on booze or drugs) tend to eventually fuck up big enough that you'll notice. I'm also somewhat perplexed as to how someone smoking crystal meth is somehow exponentially worse than someone being a raging alcoholic. Coz it isn't. I'm also intrigued as to how she would have reacted if one of their friends had told her; I mean "Hi Ethel, lovely curtains ... by the way, did you know Frank's a raving meth-head? Can't get enough of it! ... and how bout those Yankees ... what a season they're having ..." doesn't really lend itself to easy introduction into a conversation, nor is it likely to elicit a response of "why thank you for saying, I got them at Macys and oh that Frank he's such a joker! If it's not booze it's the drugs. What a card he is ... and yes I agree but I think we need a better relief pitcher and ...". Is it?

Iamsemisweet -> RE: Married to a meth head (7/27/2011 7:49:15 AM)
I agree rapier. I think her bitterness is overcoming her common sense.

littlewonder -> RE: Married to a meth head (7/27/2011 7:53:15 AM)
The only difference between an alcoholic and a meth user is the meth will kill them faster. Sure she should have known..not sure how she could not. It's a distinct smell, theyr'e usually extremely hyper and just the physical wear and tear on the body is different but it could just be that she's very naive about drug users of any kind whereas I've seen it and lived with it numerous times. Either way, to berate their friends...in public no less, doesn't speak a whole lot for your friend, sorry. I think your friend needs to learn some tact and also be a wife and help her husband at this point if he's willing to get help....be the support for him that a wife should be instead of a...well....a not very nice term for such wives that go around yelling, nagging and complaining to anyone who will listen about their husband.

Killerangel -> RE: Married to a meth head (7/27/2011 7:53:34 AM)
Well, if the aquaintences knew what he did don't you think they assumed she knew too? They probably figured it was none of their business since the two of them had a relationship and they didn't want to meddle in it. If I were an aquaintence I'd think she knew about it and chose to ignore it or whatever.

RapierFugue -> RE: Married to a meth head (7/27/2011 7:54:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet I agree rapier. I think her bitterness is overcoming her common sense. Being scrupulously fair, I can't begin to comprehend the degree of pissed-offedness I would feel had someone deceived me to that degree, for that long. However, I'd still be wrong to blame my friends rather than myself.

RapierFugue -> RE: Married to a meth head (7/27/2011 7:58:22 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder The only difference between an alcoholic and a meth user is the meth will kill them faster. Hmmmmm. Not sure about that. I've seen alkies go down very fast* from first onset; the popular image of the decades-on boozer isn't always played out. Also, with street drugs, it's often down to how pure (or not) the stuff they get is, and how much they take; he's been taking it for 10 years, so he clearly isn't an overnight casualty. So, on balance, I say “not necessarily”. *fner fner

RapierFugue -> RE: Married to a meth head (7/27/2011 8:00:20 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Killerangel Well, if the aquaintences knew what he did don't you think they assumed she knew too? They probably figured it was none of their business since the two of them had a relationship and they didn't want to meddle in it. If I were an aquaintence I'd think she knew about it and chose to ignore it or whatever. Ooh damn that's a good point - that'd tend to be my assumption too. Mind you I'm British – I think Brits have a tendency to ignore most things this side of donkey-buggery in their friends, and assume their wives already know :)

Iamsemisweet -> RE: Married to a meth head (7/27/2011 8:04:38 AM)
I should add, my friend and her husband are divorced now, but she is still bitter. Can't say as I blame her, the meth head also controlled the finances, so she lost her retirement, her business, her horses, and on and on. The bitterness, I understand. The cluelessness and the lashing out, I don't. Lady C , the reason she was more comfortable with alcoholism than the truth is because they were both lawyers.

RapierFugue -> RE: Married to a meth head (7/27/2011 8:07:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet I should add, my friend and her husband are divorced now, but she is still bitter. Can't say as I blame her, the meth head also controlled the finances, so she lost her retirement, her business, her horses, and on and on. The bitterness, I understand. The cluelessness and the lashing out, I don't. Yeah but ... people don't always act logically, especially when a) they've lost the lot and b) the root answer to their woes is "because you weren't really on the ball". And people are often at their most aggrieved when blaming others for things they know, in their hearts, are actually their fault.

LadyConstanze -> RE: Married to a meth head (7/27/2011 8:10:38 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder The only difference between an alcoholic and a meth user is the meth will kill them faster. Sure she should have known..not sure how she could not. It's a distinct smell, theyr'e usually extremely hyper and just the physical wear and tear on the body is different but it could just be that she's very naive about drug users of any kind whereas I've seen it and lived with it numerous times. Either way, to berate their friends...in public no less, doesn't speak a whole lot for your friend, sorry. I think your friend needs to learn some tact and also be a wife and help her husband at this point if he's willing to get help....be the support for him that a wife should be instead of a...well....a not very nice term for such wives that go around yelling, nagging and complaining to anyone who will listen about their husband. 10 years is a long time, and isn't meth one of the most dangerous forms of amphetamine and extremely addictive? If he's taking it regularly for the past 10 years, no matter how naive she is, she should have noticed, if he pretended to be an alcoholic that might explain but then who stays together with somebody who has an addiction problem and is not trying to help the person kick the addiction or possibly makes rehab a condition for the relationship to go on. I mean if you're married to an alcoholic and you watch him to drink himself to death then there is something absolutely wrong in your relationship. How come that didn't bother her?

punisher440 -> RE: Married to a meth head (7/27/2011 8:15:18 AM)
Yes,this is my first post in these forums and this subject is one I have had to deal with on a very personal level.My exwife was/is a meth user,and no matter what I did the pull of the drug was stronger.After rehab did not help,I had to get myself out of that situation.After fighting her addiction for over 3 years and her never accepting help,I had to leave. OP,after dealing with a meth user on a daily bases,if your friend did not notice something was VERY wrong,it was because she refused to face it.That can not be thrown at the feet of her friends,far too many today want to blame others when the fault is theirs.Meth users tend to be extremely paranoid,nervous,have trouble sleeping,poor eating habits,nothing much like a full blown alcoholic except maybe the eating part.Your friend chose to overlook the problem until the monster under the bed got too big to ignore.

LadyConstanze -> RE: Married to a meth head (7/27/2011 8:16:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet I should add, my friend and her husband are divorced now, but she is still bitter. Can't say as I blame her, the meth head also controlled the finances, so she lost her retirement, her business, her horses, and on and on. The bitterness, I understand. The cluelessness and the lashing out, I don't. Lady C , the reason she was more comfortable with alcoholism than the truth is because they were both lawyers. I can understand that from a legal point she was possibly less bothered by a legal drug versus an illegal one, but still, if your partner is having an addiction problem, ignoring it for 10 years because it's "legal" isn't the sign of a healthy marriage. Why on earth was she leaving him in control when she knew he had AN addiction? Doesn't really matter which addiction it is, and the super hyper effect of amphetamines is pretty different to alcoholism, I seriously wonder how she could just close her eyes? Of course I understand that she's bitter, but she lived with the guy, she was married to him, shouldn't she have noticed? I assume the lashing out is a knee jerk reaction and she's well aware that she ignored the problem so she might rather blame others....

LadyPact -> RE: Married to a meth head (7/27/2011 8:20:09 AM)
Seems to Me she is just taking her anger out on others that she really should have for herself.

Killerangel -> RE: Married to a meth head (7/27/2011 8:22:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RapierFugue Ooh damn that's a good point - that'd tend to be my assumption too. Mind you I'm British – I think Brits have a tendency to ignore most things this side of donkey-buggery in their friends, and assume their wives already know :) Perhaps it's a stonger Brit trait but I definitely think it's just an unspoken rule anywhere...all personal interaction has drama potential. Quite honestly I'd think the wife knew and it simply wasn't my place to bring up something that would engender a conversation about a topic I basically knew nothing about. When it comes to other people you never really know the situation unless you are intimately involved in it - I'd have figured I didn't know the whole story and perhaps I really didn't want to or I'd never be able to remain friends with the guy and his wife.

RapierFugue -> RE: Married to a meth head (7/27/2011 8:26:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Killerangel I definitely think it's just an unspoken rule anywhere...all personal interaction has drama potential. Agreed. Plus it seems somehow bad manners to just blurt something like that out. "Hands up all those whose husbands aren't doing crystal meth! Er ... Muriel ... the thing is ..."

Iamsemisweet -> RE: Married to a meth head (7/27/2011 8:34:26 AM)
LadyPact and LadyConstanze, that is the way I see it too, but I hated to blame the victim unfairly. But I have concluded that she is the one who is being unfair. So, I suppose I will confront her about this behavior.

LadyConstanze -> RE: Married to a meth head (7/27/2011 8:40:51 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet LadyPact and LadyConstanze, that is the way I see it too, but I hated to blame the victim unfairly. But I have concluded that she is the one who is being unfair. So, I suppose I will confront her about this behavior. I wouldn't do it now, she's possibly still hurting and will only get defensive, let her cool down and then have a quiet word with her, that is unless she attacks you.

DarkSteven -> RE: Married to a meth head (7/27/2011 8:41:54 AM)
Shit for brains. She lived with an addict AND worked alongside him for ten years. And she never thought to have someone check the books. The bright spot for her is that if he hocked joint property, she might have don't legal recourse against parties that accepted her forged signature.

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