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Welcome back, Lady A.
For ME, the "disconnect" is so WIDE, that when I am approached or chatting with the majority of men that label themselves "submissives/or even slaves", we might as well be on different planets.

If I were a service Top, a professional Dominant, or willing to "cater" to men's fantasies, it would be a very different story.
It is more than a "disconnect" as far as I am concerned, normally not only are we NOT on the same page,we are not even in the same book.

This is a great topic.

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It sounds like you are feeling some of that frustration now. Are your expectations too high? I don't know, and it really doesn't matter.

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I won't deny there is some frustration, but this thread was started more with the goal of finding answers (I'm a solutions person) than venting frustration, though clearly not everyone got this!

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ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

I'm not looking for a guy to just tie up and torture. I'm also looking for a man to introduce to my parents, to travel around the world with me, to run errands with, to cook dinner with, to go see a concert with, to renovate parts of a house with, you know, all that stuff that couples do when they aren't having sex!

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Would it be fair to say, You are looking for a Mature Relationship?

One where the two interact with each other in a special way, on "all levels" of Maslow's hierarchy of needs? A true life partner?

You are a very brilliant Lady. You are accustomed to being in Leadership roles. Do You seek a man who recognizes and values these traits in You? A man who trusts You and Your judgement? A man who is proud of You and Your accomplishments? A man who gives You mental and emotional support when You need it? A man who laughs with You when it is needed? As well as a thousand other aspects, that make life truly sweet?

When You speak of a disconnect, are You expressing that You percieve submissive males to be more interested in their fantasies of D/s ... than developing and growing in a mature relationship?

Please help me understand this disconnect You express. Do You think it is possible this disconnect can be a two way street?

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ORIGINAL: Icarys

Are they a couple yet?

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C'mon now, Miss Mary, if everyone who applied for a job got it the world would be a very different place.

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ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

Vaguely Vaginal? Get outta town! :p

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ORIGINAL: Icarys

Sounds like you're applying for the job.

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ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

Dude, he's been applying for the job for yeeeears.

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ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

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It sounds like you are feeling some of that frustration now. Are your expectations too high? I don't know, and it really doesn't matter.

I won't deny there is some frustration, but this thread was started more with the goal of finding answers (I'm a solutions person) than venting frustration, though clearly not everyone got this!

As for expectations, well ideally, we should not have expectations, as when you don't have expectations, you cannot be dissapointed, right? But it's kind of hard not to have any.

What I actually have more than expectations are criteria. There are certain things I want. I don't expect them, so if I don't have them, I'm not dissapointed. That said, I won't settle for anything less and won't comprimise for anything less. As I stated earlier, I'd rather be single for the right reasons than in a relationship for the wrong ones.

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ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

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ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze
As to the profile, if it's not luck, then please do tell me your secret and how you make them read a profile, your pics are quite sexy and they still read the words, I want the secret sauce, I regularly get mails describing in great detail actions that I have stated are hard limits... Unless it's a conspiracy to send me all sorts of poo pictures, I really don't know what it is but it kinda squids me out.

See, you're assuming I get unsolicited mail.  This is not the case.  My inbox is almost as dusty as the average male sub's.   
 
Seriously though, here's what I did:  I followed the advice of my friend Anshar.  He wrote a great little essay titled "How To Never Be Stuck In A Bad Relationship Again" and gave some advice that really resonated with me.  I can send you the whole thing if you like, but I'm not going to post it here and bore everyone who isn't interested. 
 
In his essay, Anshar wrote 

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The higher you raise your personal bar, the more unattractive or intimidating the wrong people will find you, because you'll make them question their own worth.

  I followed his advice and posted my lists on my profile.  This statement has held true for me so far.  I get plenty of views, but very little mail.  What I do get tends to be polite.

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ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

Absolutely this exists outside BDSM. The thing is, when I'm trying to date outside this realm, though I might be viewed as a sexual object, the men I meet tend to be much more subtle, respectful and *my* pace is much more respected. However, the overwhelming majority of the men I meet within BDSM circles, tend to come at me with submissive guns a blazing! I've asked some of them if they could see themselves approaching a non-kink woman that way and they have admitted they more than likely wouldn't.  Goes back to what I resonded to Akasha... perhaps we because we take charge sexually, there is perhaps a supposition that we are sexually aggressive and open to sex right away? This is just a theory...

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ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious
I know you aren't a community-based person, Lady A, but it might be an idea to look for couples in your area (rather than entire munches) who have the sort of dynamic that you would want, and network with them - find people through friends of friends, rather than online.

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ORIGINAL: seekingOwnertoo
When You speak of a disconnect, are You expressing that You percieve submissive males to be more interested in their fantasies of D/s ... than developing and growing in a mature relationship?

Please help me understand this disconnect You express. Do You think it is possible this disconnect can be a two way street?

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ORIGINAL: AAkasha
I think there is a LARGE number of both submissive men and dominant women who are aware of the "bdsm lifestyle" and will have absolutely nothing to do with it. So they are basically 'out there' and circulating and meeting partners and making connections but it's not through bdsm personals, munches or kinky events.

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I think there's also a large number of submissive men and dominant women that are wired this way but really aren't aware of a bdsm community because they never bothered to look.

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I think there's less of a disconnect with these people potentially, in what you speak of LA, because these people are "living life first" and worrying about BDSM second. It's an integral part of their sexuality and relationship desires but they date often enough to connect with people through trial and error and reading cues. They have lifestyle (non kinky) goals that are not aligned with having status in a bdsm community or having time to search through bdsm personals.

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In the last few years I've come across a handful of men I can think of that revealed to me their kink-curious nature or desires to find a dominant woman after they got a clue what I was into, and all of them were 100% not interested in any kind of bdsm community or personals because either they had the perception "those people" were weird, or they had no time, or they had jobs that would be at risk. But how to we "reach" these men on a regular basis? Without "outing" ourselves? That's the tricky part.

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ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze
I have usually dated outside this realm but when it got serious, told them about it, not always well met

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I'm seriously considering myself as lucky to have met my partner who was surprisingly open minded, I wouldn't call him submissive though he has his moments, it's more that we're both trying to do things for each other.

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Because it's BDSM we are not viewed less as sexual objects, take the amount of guys who go on and on about how they want to please us - which is usually sexual or linked to their sexual fulfillment or mild to hardwired fetishes - it's really not at all different from vanilla, guys might have the power of approach,

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but women have the power of rejection,

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only in this realm guys think that dominant means also sexually predatory and we go for anything that will carry the label submissive, and that's when they have a wakeup call and face reality.