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gungadin09 -> RE: a philosophical question. (8/10/2011 10:00:22 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: HannahLynHeather
what would you do if you found yourself in a similar position one where if you wish to be able live by your beliefs, you must act contrary to those beliefs?
Let me tell you about my compromise. For a long time i wanted to be a chef. i worked. i read cookbooks. Finally i got a job in a really good restaurant, and it changed my life. i got to work with top people from all over the world, and the way that they worked. It blew my mind. The attention to detail, the level of focus, the willingness to endure pain, stress, low wages, and, let's face it, downright abusive working conditions, all for the sake of this idea of perfection that they were always pursuing without ever quite reaching it. At that level, there was a commitment to excellence that seemed almost religious. It was like they were dedicating their lives to something outside themselves. i wanted to live my life like that.
So i went for it, but i was never quite good enough. i was the only one there without a culinary degree and years of experience working in five star restaurants. i was out of my depth. i managed to hold my own, but i never made it past pantry. They told me they wouldn't put me on hot line without more experience. So i left, to get it, at a series of fairly mediocre restaurants.
The problem was the work ethic that had served me so well at the really good restaurant was a source of frustration in the bad ones. Initiative and hard work became liabilities in jobs where everyone was lazy, and stupid, and incompetent, and liked it that way. i dunno. i was taught a way to work that was like a philosophy. Not living up to a certain standard seemed to me like compromising that philosophy. And i was being expected to do that, or risk losing my job, or at least alienating the people i worked with.
For the longest time i just beat my head against the wall. i would not compromise. i didn't want to sell out, settle for the path of least resistance. And i was right. i KNEW i was right. i was, damn it. Do you have any idea how many bosses i've had who tried to get me to dip the fish in lemon juice to hide the fact that it was spoiled, or to sell the creme brulees that got left out all night, or any of the other hundred sketchy things they do that were all so easily preventable if any of the people involved had just been doing their jobs in the first place? i'm amazed more people don't die from food poisoning.
But taking that attitude put me in constant conflict with the people i worked with, for years, as well as ruining my peace of mind. And yet for years and years i just kept at it. During that time i never held a job for more than 6 months without quitting in frustration. i kept hoping the next job would be different. Eventually i realised that if i wanted to keep my job (and my sanity) i would have to play the game. Give up on my beliefs, bite the bullet, and just do whatever the fuck i was told, no matter how wrong. That's where i am now. i don't care anymore about standards or doing a good job. i just clock in, work my shift, and then go home. No more bending over backwards to get it right. No more expecting excellence, or even competence, from the people i work with. i turned off the part of me that cares about what i do, and i'm just trying to get by without ruffling any feathers. And i hate myself this way. It's like i threw away the best part of me--the part that was willing to fight for what i thought was right. i want the old me back, the passionate, uncompromising, driven me. But i'm terrified that that person won't be able to keep a job, or her sanity. So i guess i sort of sold out.
But there is method to my madness. i want to play the game and do well enough for long enough to open my own place. i'm not a brilliant cook, but i could easily do better than 95% of what's out there, simply because the majority of what's out there is so bad. So that's my new goal. Find something simple, like a coffeehouse, and do it really, really well; do it my way, by my standards. i have the knowledge to do something simple well. i have the integrity not to compromise on what's important. i know how to work hard. i have an idea of what i want. i just have to get there. And for now that means compromising. i hope that when the time comes i'll be able to stop compromising, that it won't be ingrained in me, that i will be able to turn it off.
i hope that answered your question. In a nutshell, i'm willing to temporarily compromise my beliefs provided that the net effect is good. i don't know if that means i've sold out, or just grown up.
pam
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