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What do you do when a "slave" does not care? - 10/16/2004 11:17:51 AM   
BigBadVoodooDadd


Posts: 29
Joined: 6/23/2004
Status: offline 		Yes this is the same post that I posted in the "ASK A MASTER" area but I wanted to hear the subs side of things.

Hello everyone,

First of all let me apologize for the long post, I know it is going to be a long one.

I have been pondering posting this for a very long time and to tell you the truth I have gone over the boiling point.

I have been in a D/s based relationship for a year and things have been going down hill for the most of it which is a reason why I have gone back on-line.
I got involved with a great girl that showed great promise and was very much interested in the lifestyle. She already had some kink experience and she wanted to step in to the lifestyle and commit to it and me. After the trial period things were going pretty well. We made an agreement on the rules, how things would be done and how she would behave. We pretty much went over all the things that a Master and slave go over in their "negotiation" before they get into a relationship.

For some reason things went down hill eversince. First it was the school and her not being able to be in the D/s "mood" while there was school going on, then it was her parents and the fact that she wanted to be "free" when she was around them. Every time I wanted to take a step further into the D/s and our relationship the things would result in us taking a step back. Now I have contributed many of the traits she has to the youth and imaturity factor. She went to college, graduated with a double major but she had, and still doesn't have, any clear views on what she wants to do with her life. She wants to work and go into the FBI but does not understand that getting in is almost impossible and she is not even remotely considering the other options. I mean, I have thought about this, I have talked to mutual friends and I have talked to many other people that have the understanding of the situation and most of her behavior has been contributed to immaturity.

There have been issues about her following orders and her not giving me shit about ordering her something that she might not understand why I am making her do. Instead of doing what I told her and asking why in the process she will stand there and wait for me to explain it to her before she does anything which is NOT the way I want things done.
The last problem that I have is the fact that we just had a long conversation about our relationship and the issues. We have had the agreement that all kink related communications would be forwarded to me, that she would ask permission to get on the kink sites and actually contacting others that are in the lifestyle. I am her Master and I have a complete right to control her kink lifestyle more so because we agreed to that.
Anyways, since the conversation a couple of nights ago, after all the issues have been addressed and after I explained to her that sometimes she acts like she does not care, she goes onto Bondage.com without asking permission and without even letting me know she is doing it. Not just that but she then continues to justify her action by giving me some bullshit excuse that did not make one bit of sense.

So, what I am asking for is you to give me advice on a few issues;

1) What do you do when you are in a relationship with someone that stops caring about the core of the relationship?
(we actually started our relationship with D/s in mind and have based the whole relationship around it, if there is no relationship then we would have to start all over and I DO NOT WANT a non D/s based relationship at the moment)

2) Is there any way to actually get back on track with things?

3) How far is too far before you actually cut your losses and move on with life?

4) Is poly a solution or would it be just an escape?

5) Do you have any suggestions or solutions that I have not thought about?

I know that you will say that I am young myself but age is not a maturity factor, I've been in the lifestyle for almost 10 years, have been on my own since I was 18 and have grown up and matured quite quickly.

I also want to say that I do very much love the girl but the fact that I am not where I want to be relationship wise is killing me. Especially because we have had an understanding from the day one that this is the path the relationship would be going down... the D/s path.


Thank you A/all!


BBVD
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: What do you do when a "slave" does not care? - 10/16/2004 12:06:39 PM   
smilezz


Posts: 2156
Joined: 6/18/2004
Status: offline 		I may not have the answer to this question..but in reading this a whole lot of things come flooding back at me.

First: show her this post...print it out...log in....but show her!
Second: ask her if this relationship is working for her...or you?
Third: there does not seem to be alot of communication..or if there is, it is all on your part....hence: no relationship.
Fourth: if you OR her think this relationship is not working and even one of you do not have the desire to make it work...why stay together? you both need to re-evaluate this one.

Ehhh, just my thoughts....not right or wrong. Take from it as you will. I wish you both luck.

~smilezz~

_____________________________

=It's not my fault that when I was a baby I was dropped in a box of Glitter & I have been shinin' ever since=

�*:-.,_,.-:* � �*:-.,_,.-:* � �*:-.,_,.-:* � �*:-.,_,-:* �

(in reply to BigBadVoodooDadd)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: What do you do when a "slave" does not care? - 10/16/2004 12:13:27 PM   
IservBlkKingPaPa


Posts: 84
Joined: 8/17/2004
From: Long Island NY
Status: offline 		BBVD Sir,

At the risk of being the first slave to respond to your plight. This girl can feel your frustration. This girl wonders a few things. All of this girls suggestions and observations are given with her utmost respect.
1) Does your sub live with You? It may be a bit harder to control her if she does not reside in Your house. she may be the type of sub that requires micromanagement and cannot be trusted without You watching over her. one cannot be in the "Ds mood" one is either a sub/slave or not. she clearly lacks respect, honesty and the ability to communicate properly.
2) Just exactly how much experience does she have? It seems to this girl that Your sub has not had any formal training and desperately needs it.
3) Exactly how old is she? You mentioned maturity. You also mentioned college and a double major. Seems to this girl that if Your sub is mature enough to achieve college graduation with double majors then she should be mature enough to respect her Master.
this girl knows that her training was a long and difficult road for both her Master and her. But her Master is a very patient man and never faultered on His punishments. this girl is not saying that You have Sir. But looking back on her training this girl sees that her training was really not that much different in techniques used to punish children when they have misbehaved. Master has for the most part used emotional or recreational punishments instead of physical punishments. Those kind tend to stick.
For example, using kink sites without permission knowing full well that it is not acceptable, this girls internet privledges would be taken away for a specified length of time or until this girl would go to Master with a clear understanding of what she had done, but then again this girl is a 24/7 live in slave which makes it much easier to enforce which is why this girl asked if Your sub lives with you.
But then again Sir, there is the possibilty that Your chosen sub, may just be "playing" at being a sub. Just this girls thought.
this girl hopes she has not over stepped her boundaries. Best wishes Sir

@}slave}viktorya}--
Every Rose has her Thorns...

(in reply to BigBadVoodooDadd)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: What do you do when a "slave" does not care? - 10/16/2004 1:38:30 PM   
January


Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline 		First, based on how you've described your relationship, it is in no way an M/s one.

The girl isn't your slave; she is your submissive. Perhaps if you think of yourself as her dominant, or play partner, rather than Master, you'll have a bit more patience with the relationship. (She opts out far too often to be a slave, IMO.) So my advice is, either accept her submissiveness as it is, or find a real slave.

As an aside, I am bothered by what I see as your profound lack of respect for her. When you criticize her desire to join the FBI as something unreasonable, I have to ask, who are you to say it's ridiculous? The FBI recruiter? I mean, she's not wanting to be jesus! Is your lack of support for her goals self-serving? Or realistic? Before you ask what to do about a slave who does not care, I think you need to figure out if YOU actually care about your slave.

January

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]




(in reply to BigBadVoodooDadd)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: What do you do when a "slave" does not care? - 10/16/2004 1:50:47 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline 		I didn't realize this was posted here too, i gave my opinion in the Master's section.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to BigBadVoodooDadd)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: What do you do when a "slave" does not care? - 10/16/2004 1:53:59 PM   
newflowers


Posts: 292
Joined: 5/23/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BigBadVoodooDadd
to tell you the truth I have gone over the boiling point.


Take a deep breath amd gain some equilibirum and self control. No issue can be resolved when you angry.

quote:


There have been issues about her following orders and her not giving me shit about ordering her something that she might not understand why I am making her do. Instead of doing what I told her and asking why in the process she will stand there and wait for me to explain it to her before she does anything which is NOT the way I want things done.


This part indicates that there are some serious communication issues on both parts. When you give an order, can you clearly articulate the reasons for it and the exact precedure for performing it? Perhaps she should be asking questions, though her doing so seems to offend you, but I don't see why, if you know what you want her to do, you cannot explain that in the beginning. Not knowing anymore than what you've written, I understand that you want what you want, but are you certain that she understand what you want? Do you understand WHY she reacts as she does? If you say why, would she agree, yes that is why I do this? If not, figure it out before you get hot and bothered because she did not follow commands exactly as you like.

quote:

Not just that but she then continues to justify her action by giving me some bullshit excuse that did not make one bit of sense.


Again, this seems to be about communication problems. Is it possible that the "bullshit excuse" seems valid and reasonable to her? If you live with this woman, there are things you can do to prevent her from going online to sites you do not wish her to visit. I do think, however, that if she has agreed to abide by this rule, she should honor this agreement. What happens when she does not obey? Do you have an articulated and clearly understood consequence for disobedience? If you do, are you following through with it? If it is not working, what happens next? For that matter, if it is not working, why not?

quote:


1) What do you do when you are in a relationship with someone that stops caring about the core of the relationship?


No personal attack intended, but you seem to be a rather all or nothing kind of guy. Has she actually said that she does not care about the core of the relationship? If that is the case, then I would suggest once again that there be some serious communication here. Not only you saying what you want, but her saying her part as well. Do the two of you see the core of the relationship the same? Recently, there was a thread about relationship foundations - the premise being that all relationships, D/s or otherwise, begin from a place of compatibility of two people. I cannot speak to your compatibility with her or hers with you, but you certainly seem to have vastly different communication styles.

quote:

2) Is there any way to actually get back on track with things?


If you are willing to work for it, I think yes. When you say you are fed up and are now online again because of it, I interpret that to mean you are looking for another. STOP!!!Go back to the initial agreement and review it - both of you. Fully explain why you want what you say you want and have her do the same thing. Include a written statement, much like this post, explaining what you see are the serious, minorly serious, and just annoying problems in the relationshp. I suggest doing this in writing at separate times in different rooms. Be reasonable and thoughtful. Be calm and rational. After you both have written your responses to the whats and whys, exchange papers and again write responses to each other. Exchange, give a bit of time to review, and then, go someplace else- the library comes to mind (quiet, no raised voices, neuteral territory) and discuss it. If someone begins to get upset, take a time out. The time out may be a few minutes or hours, or a day or even a few days. But do not discuss anything when you are upset, it only makes things worse. This discussion should give clarification about what you want, what you need, and what you simply cannot live without.

Write another agreement including the old and newly negotiated points.

quote:

3) How far is too far before you actually cut your losses and move on with life?


That depends solely on the two of you. Are you ready to quit without working hard to fix things? Are you willing to give up or do you want to stay with this woman? Decide and act accordingly. Do not decide in anger and annoyance. Make a decision from a calm, rational mindset. Talk about it with her before you decide.

quote:

4) Is poly a solution or would it be just an escape?


Solution and escape are not the words that come to mind. Diaster of mind-blowing proportions would be a better descriptor. Poly is its own dynamic and not a solution for a relationship between two people who can't get it together. How would adding another resolve your issues?

quote:

5) Do you have any suggestions or solutions that I have not thought about?


Stop the online thing and talk to each other. Turn off the television. Turn off the stereo. Do not go out - except to the library for the discussion - and TALK TO EACH OTHER!!! Make another list - this one about the reasons why you love her, the things that are good, and the things that are bad. Compare the two. Ask yourself - seriously, rationally, calmly: do the two of you have the sam expectations of this relationship? Are you coming from compatible places? When the D/s is said and done, are you compatible with each other at all? AND CALM DOWN for goodness sakes.

As far as her not wanting to be outed in front of her family - this is reasonable and she probably has reasons for it even if you do not agree with them. If your relationship is not permanent, there is no reason to tell them if she thinks the reaction may be nagative. Why can you not concede on this point for now?

If she is looking for a specific job, support and encouragement would be better than the negative it's damn near impossible response you written here. Help her if it is that important to her. She may need to do something else before she can work for the FBI, but your negativity on this point is not going to resolve the issue or help her to resolve it.

Maturity may not be an issue for you, but it seems that patience is. Any relationship worth having is worth working for - plain and simple. Either you are willing to put in the work or you are not - decide and act accordingly. Unlike your other posts, there is no quick fix or test for this. You are the dominant partner - stop swaggering and act like it. Control and authority are not about throwing your weight around and demanding that you get what you want when you want it the way you want it. Some time spent in introspection and self-reflection would be a very good thing. You say that you've had this understanding from the beginning - that the relationship would be D/s - do the two of you have the same personal philosophy of what a D/s relationship means? If you both articulate it, is it the same and give the two of you compatible grounds from which to work?

I suggest writing your issues on paper. If you take the time to write, you will see what you can comprehensibly and clearly articulate. If you can't write it, don't say it. Writing gives you time to be calm down and think. When you read what you've written, ask yourself is it what you really mean to say.

I would wish you good luck, but luck is not what you need - you need to WORK on your relationship.

newflowers


< Message edited by newflowers -- 10/16/2004 2:02:05 PM >

(in reply to BigBadVoodooDadd)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: What do you do when a "slave" does not care? - 10/16/2004 2:38:52 PM   
perverseangelic


Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline 		Newflowers, that was a great response.

I'd like to reiterate the need for communication. I've been in the opposite situation- my dominant partner kinda slipped off in his dominant behavior, and I got to wondering if this was indeed a situation he wanted.

So we sat down and talked.

It's better now.

TALK TO HER. Talk to her without being angry. Talk to her from your side "I feel x when you do y" not "You do y to make me x"

Anyway, just my reiteration.

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to newflowers)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: What do you do when a "slave" does not care? - 10/16/2004 3:26:56 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline 		Excellent post newflowers.

quote:

No personal attack intended, but you seem to be a rather all or nothing kind of guy.


If you read his profile you will see this is true.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to newflowers)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: What do you do when a "slave" does not care? - 10/16/2004 5:13:09 PM   
IservBlkKingPaPa


Posts: 84
Joined: 8/17/2004
From: Long Island NY
Status: offline 		wow newflowers beautiful post. and this girl would have to agree with january. Telling ANYBODY that thier ambitions are ridculous, when You are supposed to be THEE most supportive and caring person in thier life is a selfish act. with all due respect who are You to make that judgement. this girl actually forgot to mention that aspect in her first post. Thank you for reminding her january. There is a serious lack of communication on both parts here. She deliberately disobeys and he belittles. Rethink the whole relationship, for the good of you both. And just out of curiousity, how many subs have You owned or Mastered?? It may be lifestyle immaturity on both parts.


@}slave}viktorya}--
Every Rose has her Thorns...

(in reply to proudsub)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: What do you do when a "slave" does not care? - 10/16/2004 5:31:22 PM   
newflowers


Posts: 292
Joined: 5/23/2004
Status: offline
quote:

It may be lifestyle immaturity on both parts.


I have to agree with this statement. Maturity in your daily life and being able to deal maturely with a D/s relationship are two different things.

Consider your response to her career choice; your response to her need/want of clarification; even your profile and how you explain your D/s philosophy as it pertains to respect for another; all of these are issues of maturity in communication and response to another.

Dominance is about so much more than demanding what you want. I truly do not belive that the first reponse should be kick her out, the first response should be about improved and increased and better communication. Effective communication, at that, is a matter of maturity and more than just repeating the same thing over and over. It involves listening and understanding what is said. The message you may be sending is not that which she may be hearing and likewise, she is telling you something - just not the thing you want to hear. Mature communication is about more than taking in the parts we like and leaving the rest.

If you can consider the D/s is a manner of relating to another, opposite but compatible part, ask yourself if you are relating in a manner than will produce longevity in this relationship. I think and the answer is to effect positive change in your communicative style.

newflowers

(in reply to IservBlkKingPaPa)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: What do you do when a "slave" does not care? - 10/17/2004 1:03:08 AM   
BigBadVoodooDadd


Posts: 29
Joined: 6/23/2004
Status: offline 		First of all thank you all for the great posts. I really appreciate it.

IservBlkKingPaPa
smilezz
newflowers
perverseangelic

Thank you for the great posts and thank you for rising more issues.

Firstly let me say that I have been in the lifestyle for about 8+ years, I am active in the local community and I am a part of the local Owner/slave group. I have probably introduced 12-15 subs into the lifestyle personally during that time and during that time I was in a M/s relationship with them. I do have very extensive knowledge of the lifestyle and I have been in the M/s relationships for the most of the time. The issue is though that I have never ecnoundered this before. It has been something that I have eluded through my past M/s relationships because I have been with people that trully wanted to be in that kind of a situation.

As far as communication is concerned, I have to say that our communication is very good. I tend to be very open to suggestions and encourage open communications. When we talk I actually prefer to have the M/s relationship out of the way because I have noticed that it can cause problems with the slave not being able to communicate properly if she feels like there is a reprocussion for her words. I have been going about the improved ways of communicating for the last 6 months or so and I have not gotten anywhere. I actially have a degree in psychology and even though I am not in the field (thank God), I still use what I learned and it's not working.

quote:

ORIGINAL: January
As an aside, I am bothered by what I see as your profound lack of respect for her. When you criticize her desire to join the FBI as something unreasonable, I have to ask, who are you to say it's ridiculous? The FBI recruiter? I mean, she's not wanting to be jesus! Is your lack of support for her goals self-serving? Or realistic? Before you ask what to do about a slave who does not care, I think you need to figure out if YOU actually care about your slave.
January

As far as the ambitions are concerned, I guess you guys did not understand what I was saying. I NEVER stated that it was ridiculous, I don't think it is. What I DID say is that getting into the FBI is almost impossible which is true and if you want to go through the two year hiring process you firstly need to have plans to do something in the mean time and secondly you should make plans on what to do if you don't get in. That is what I was talking about and that is what I refered to. Maybe dreams come true, maybe things happen when you want them to but the chances of this one happening is one in 3000 so I would say try and give it your all but have something planed out for the what if because most likely that what if is what you will end up doing. I have no idea where you got the lack of respect so I don't understand what you are trying to say.


Thank you guys for posting. You all touch great issues and I would have to respond to every post in order to get everything right. I guess that there are many things that I have left out and many things that need to be given out before you all can give a true advice to the issue but never the less the advices have been great and I thank you all for them.

BBVD

(in reply to newflowers)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: What do you do when a "slave" does not care? - 10/17/2004 8:07:05 AM   
January


Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BigBadVoodooDadd
I guess you guys did not understand what I was saying.
<snip>
I have no idea where you got the lack of respect so I don't understand what you are trying to say.
<snip>
I guess that there are many things that I have left out and many things that need to be given out before you all can give a true advice
<snip>


I had a feeling you'd respond in this way.

You seem to ask for advice, and then dismiss it as "untrue" advice because of some problem WE have in understanding your situation. Um, I think this is classified as communication. I tend not to post in threads where the thread-starter micromanages responses (or has a cyber-bouncer do that job), but I made an exception for you, this time.

Many of the folks have pointed out your lack of respect for your slave. Sure, we could all be wrong. But it's kinda interesting how we all got that idea from different aspects of your posts!

I'm sad for your slave that you didn't get my point about the FBI. I'd hoped you'd do research on the subject: isn't an FBI agent just a kind of federal cop? Are there other jobs in the FBI? If she's qualified to a be a policeman, she's qualified to be FBI, isn't she? What about the new homeland security initiatives? Doesn't that mean more jobs? and so on?

Did you go find out more about the FBI? Ask her questions? NO! You already know everything. I mean, you know so much, you can respond by quoting ODDS for her failure! No offense, but ick.

Stubborness is always destructive to relationships. Even in M/s relationships. Conversely, self-evaluation is productive for slaves and Masters alike. Asking others for advice comes a distant second to being self-aware and analytical, IMO.

In any case, this is the last advice you'll get from me.

January






_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]




(in reply to BigBadVoodooDadd)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: What do you do when a "slave" does not care? - 10/17/2004 9:04:56 AM   
newflowers


Posts: 292
Joined: 5/23/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I have left out and many things that need to be given out before you all can give a true advice


Yesterday I simply did not want to do my chores and so I sat at the computer and read and responed to posts. Two of yours particularly gave me pause and I wrote because I did not want to mop the floors.

From what you say in this post, your relationships last only a few months at the most. In eight plus years (since you were eighteen years old) you have had 12-15 submissives or slaves.

Holy cow! That in itself is indicative that there is a serious problem. Here me - you are YOUNG and might wish to consider that you do not know everything there is to know about everything. Mercnbeth gave you excellent advice in the Master's forum and his point is similar. You could not maintain a relationship with all of these others because you were only playing - which DOES NOT prepare one for a D/s relationship or you were not playing and there are relationships problems that I simply cannot believe are all their fault.

Know that if you have never encountered passive aggressive behavior, you don't have as much experience as you think .

Finally, you should be fully aware that if the advice you receive is not what you want to hear, over and over and over, that is a sign unto you. It is not bad advice - you simply do not want to accept it.

At this point, I would suggest the best thing you can do is release her before you do serious damage to her health, mind, and spirit.

newflowers

(in reply to BigBadVoodooDadd)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: What do you do when a "slave" does not care? - 10/17/2004 10:27:04 AM   
perverseangelic


Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BigBadVoodooDadd
The issue is though that I have never ecnoundered this before. It has been something that I have eluded through my past M/s relationships because I have been with people that trully wanted to be in that kind of a situation.

As far as communication is concerned, I have to say that our communication is very good. to be very open to suggestions and encourage open communications


Two things. Maybe you've never encountered it before because you're with a different kind of person this time, or because she doesn't respond to the techniques you're used to using.

Also, I honestly don't see how communication -can- be "very good' when you don't understand where she's coming from, why she's not obey orders, or why -she- feels she's engaging in such behaviors.

Perhaps you do communicate well, but haven't communicated on this subject? It seems that an honest, lenghthy conversation could answer most of these questions, and give you some insight into why -she- feels she's behaving so. It seems that once you get her POV you might have a better idea of how to proceed.

Also, I kinda get the feeling you've already given up on this relationship. Nothing that anyone says has changed your mind, nor do we have evidence that it has changed your approach. If you're not really interested in changing anything, why ask advice? Why not just sever the realtionship and save everyone some drama?

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to BigBadVoodooDadd)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: What do you do when a "slave" does not care? - 10/17/2004 11:15:42 AM   
IservBlkKingPaPa


Posts: 84
Joined: 8/17/2004
From: Long Island NY
Status: offline


quote:

ORIGINAL: BigBadVoodooDadd
As far as the ambitions are concerned, I guess you guys did not understand what I was saying. I NEVER stated that it was ridiculous, I don't think it is. What I DID say is that getting into the FBI is almost impossible which is true and if you want to go through the two year hiring process you firstly need to have plans to do something in the mean time and secondly you should make plans on what to do if you don't get in. That is what I was talking about and that is what I refered to. Maybe dreams come true, maybe things happen when you want them to but the chances of this one happening is one in 3000 so I would say try and give it your all but have something planed out for the what if because most likely that what if is what you will end up doing. I have no idea where you got the lack of respect so I don't understand what you are trying to say.


slave viktorya corrects herself. BBVD never used the word ridiculous. But viktorya does believe that maybe BBVD should be more supportive of his submissives dreams and not point out the negativity in her trying to go after them, no matter how impossible he may think it is, that in turn will only cause a sub to give up her dreams out of fear they can never be achieved anyway, that is if she meets negativity often enough in other aeras. It is no different than, we as parents try to support our childrens dreams so that they grow up to shoot as high as they can, but yet teach them that there is always the possibility that things may not always go thier way and yes they should have something to fall back on. If your submissive has the college education to apply for the FBI and she doesn't get in, slave viktorya thinks that your submissive will most likely be qualified for other positions that can be just as rewarding, considering her education.


@}slave}viktorya}--
Every Rose has her Thorns...

(in reply to perverseangelic)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: What do you do when a "slave" does not care? - 10/17/2004 11:29:49 AM   
EStrict


Posts: 729
Joined: 1/11/2004
Status: offline 		Honestly, in the 9 months that this forum has been up and running, I have noticed that there are 2 types that post for advice. The first is those that are honestly looking for it, and realize it is possible (even probably) that they are at least partially responsible for the problem. The 2nd are those who aren't really seeking advice, but rather validation that it's *not them*.

Sometimes, the 2nd type will read the posts, and discover that they aren't getting validation, but rather REAL advice. People tell them things like they are *perhaps not communicating as well as they think*, or worse, that they are downright wrong. In those cases, I have seen a lot of blustering and/or downright rude behavior as the person continues to try to *show* why none if it is their *fault* or responsibility.

Luckily (and one of the reasons I know myself and others are willing to offer advice even to those who are only looking for validation), there are times that the person takes a deep look within and sees that people aren't saying what they are *percieving* as negative to be negative,,, but rather to try to get them to take the time to consider all the possibilities.

At this point, I see BBVD as one that falls into the category of asking advice for validation, but honestly hope he will *look* a little deeper and consider the possibility that just perhaps he hasn't communicated enough with this person, or (the best one I read), the fact that though he has trained others, that if he had 12-15 subs or slaves by the age of 26, that maybe he isn't as experienced in a LTR. And, a LTR is always more work, for the simple fact that it *can't* be all play... there has to be everyday LIFE in there rearing it's ugly head from time to time too....


_____________________________

Sandy

Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyway...

(in reply to perverseangelic)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: What do you do when a "slave" does not care? - 10/24/2004 1:17:35 PM   
darkpetal


Posts: 24
Status: offline 		i agree with Sandy as i have been in the validation category
but
i would like to point out that sometimes we just need to hear something from someone.... for being at a "boiling point" or "wits end" may mean something different to everyone who reads it....

i do find it strange and rather ...well, how do i say it.... judgmental that "we" (collectively or individually) can "offer advice" when we have never walked an inch in the other persons shoes..even if all the information is listed .... there is still more omitted information that is necessary to form a truly informed opinion of anothers situation.

after posting on several sites..... i have seen so much in a dfferent perspective and i am truly sorry that expressing the problems we (i) face in our life, whether vanilla or chocolate. lays out there so vulnerable and exposed and yes, judged and probed as if under a microscope

i will be so much more mindful of what i initiate and respond to from now on......

thanks Sandy for the helpful information
peta

(in reply to EStrict)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: What do you do when a "slave" does not care? - 10/25/2004 7:24:51 PM   
ChrisGreen


Posts: 103
Joined: 10/9/2004
Status: offline 		I suspect that you are trying to make someone who is slightly submissive into a 24/7 slave.

I see in your words an absorption with self.

Question are you really in a relationship?

I don't think you are, I think that you think that you are in a relationship with a slave - wish fulfillment, maybe?

One so young - are you seeking a father and daughter relationship?

Nothing in your email indicates any space for the girl, it is almost as though you resent the fact that she has parents, resent the fact that she has 2 majors, resent the fact that she has a brain, resent the fact that she wants to succeed.

If your idea of a relationship is that the slave is totally submissive to the master's will, then I think you are barking up the wrong tree and should let her go her own way.

I think your 'subject' should be 'What do you do when the slave has a master who does not give a darn for her?'

Even heavily 24/7 Master slave relationships are based upon mutual communication, sharing of needs, wants, pleasures; yet I see none of that in your angry words, I see a little boy having a temper tantrum, because his toy won't do what he wants!

I've been in the scene 40 years, in case you think I am a wet behind the ears newcomer.

Regards



_____________________________

Chris Green

Matron, sister or nurse wanted,
to administer discipline to unruly patient.

(in reply to BigBadVoodooDadd)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: What do you do when a "slave" does not care? - 10/23/2006 11:55:31 PM   
Mistressnfantasy


Posts: 20
Joined: 5/28/2006
Status: offline 		i had a stubborn "supposed " submissive once..i showed her the door..dont have time to be wasting my energy woth people that havent the decency to reciprocate the respect I wish to share>MF

(in reply to ChrisGreen)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: What do you do when a "slave" does not care? - 10/24/2006 5:50:17 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		Hello BBVD,

I can't answer any of your questions because I don't know you or her.  I don't think it's helpful to dwell on who's to *blame* but more on *what do we do from here*. It's often a waste of time to blather on about *who SHOULD be doing what*. You're both doing what you're doing and it's not working.

From the little you've posted it appears that you simply both *want* different things. You've only been together for a year and *going over things* and negotiating, can often be *all very well on paper*; actually living up to that is very different, as I'm sure you know.

If YOU feel that she doesn't care about the D/s core of the relationship, in the way that you wish, then you already have your answer, really.

You've expressed a few indications that she *isn't quite what you want* but you love her. That may well be the crux of it.

Maybe ask yourself what you'd do about it if she was someone that you did NOT love.

Regards, agirl 

(in reply to BigBadVoodooDadd)
Profile   Post #: 20
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