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Communication vs. Pleasing - 8/17/2011 4:32:15 PM

Tristan

Posts: 330
Joined: 5/31/2004
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When exchanging power, I think there may be more ways for people to F-up a D/s relationship through miscommunication than there are to F-up a vanilla relationship through similar miscommunication. As a dominant, I know the importance of understanding my partner's thoughts, feelings, and emotions. It is through this understanding that I am able to make decisions that benefit the relationship. Without this understanding, I am likely to make some very bad decisions.

My question is concerning a submissive's desire to please (and thus maybe not fully express his or her thoughts, feelings, and emotions) vs. a submissive's desire to openly and honestly communicate. In any healthy relationship, both partners need to be willing to say and listen to things that may be uncomfortable to you or your partner. I believe if you talk often and openly, most problems are avoided. If you wait until something becomes a serious irritant, then often, a conversation becomes a fight.

My question is directed toward submissives...do you have any conflicts between your desire to please your partner and to communication openly and honestly with your partner knowing that your honesty could be painful at times? If there are conflicts, how do you resolve them? Do dominants have a similar conflict?

Post #: 1

RE: Communication vs. Pleasing - 8/17/2011 4:37:25 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Tristan

My question is directed toward submissives...do you have any conflicts between your desire to please your partner and to communication openly and honestly with your partner knowing that your honesty could be painful at times? If there are conflicts, how do you resolve them? Do dominants have a similar conflict?

No, I actually don't. It's our goal to be successful and thrive together, so if I'm harboring thoughts that are contrary to that goal, we need to get them out on the table. Same applies to him. We need to share the hard stuff as well as the happy stuff.

I can't compromise myself to please him, nor does he want me to. Because over time, if I compromise myself enough, I won't be able to please him, anyway. He gets, and wants, all of me. That includes telling him stuff he doesn't want to hear, when it comes up. I can tell him the hard stuff and still be loving about it.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to Tristan)

Post #: 2

RE: Communication vs. Pleasing - 8/17/2011 4:47:43 PM

Tristan

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Joined: 5/31/2004
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quote:

I can't compromise myself to please him, nor does he want me to.

For me, I do my best to express my appreciation to my partners when bringing up the hard stuff. I want to encourage rather than suppress open and honest communication.

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 3

RE: Communication vs. Pleasing - 8/17/2011 4:54:43 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
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quote:

My question is directed toward submissives...do you have any conflicts between your desire to please your partner and to communication openly and honestly with your partner knowing that your honesty could be painful at times?

I believe honesty + diplomacy = constructive and /= painful.

I would suggest that people who have difficulty with communication try I-statements:

An I-statement is a statement that begins with the word "I". It is frequently used in an attempt to be assertive without putting the listener on the defensive. It can be used to take ownership for one's feelings rather than saying they are caused by the other person. An example of this would be saying, "I feel angry when you make fun of my clothes, and I would prefer that you stop doing that." rather than "Quit saying that crap, you're really making me mad!" (The latter is an example of a "you-statement.")[1]

I-statement can also be used in constructive criticism; for instance, one might say, "I had to read that section of your paper three times before I understood it," rather than, "This section is worded in a really confusing way," or "You need to learn how to word a paper more clearly." The former comment leaves open the possibility that the fault lies with the giver of the criticism. According to the Conflict Resolution Network, I-statements are a dispute resolution conversation opener that can be used to state how one sees things and how one would like things to be, without using inflaming language.

Note - this does not work in communication with narcissists. I have a different technique for them.

(in reply to Tristan)

Post #: 4

RE: Communication vs. Pleasing - 8/17/2011 4:57:42 PM

HeatherMcLeather

Posts: 2559
Joined: 5/21/2011
From: The dog house
Status: offline

quote:

do you have any conflicts between your desire to please your partner and to communication openly and honestly with your partner knowing that your honesty could be painful at times?

I used to, but Hanners has made it very, VERY clear, that that sort of open communication pleases her, so there is no longer any conflict. As Hanners is so fond of saying: sometimes it really is that simple.

(in reply to Tristan)

Post #: 5

RE: Communication vs. Pleasing - 8/17/2011 5:04:51 PM

seekingreality

Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tristan

When exchanging power, I think there may be more ways for people to F-up a D/s relationship through miscommunication than there are to F-up a vanilla relationship through similar miscommunication. As a dominant, I know the importance of understanding my partner's thoughts, feelings, and emotions. It is through this understanding that I am able to make decisions that benefit the relationship. Without this understanding, I am likely to make some very bad decisions.

My question is concerning a submissive's desire to please (and thus maybe not fully express his or her thoughts, feelings, and emotions) vs. a submissive's desire to openly and honestly communicate. In any healthy relationship, both partners need to be willing to say and listen to things that may be uncomfortable to you or your partner. I believe if you talk often and openly, most problems are avoided. If you wait until something becomes a serious irritant, then often, a conversation becomes a fight.

My question is directed toward submissives...do you have any conflicts between your desire to please your partner and to communication openly and honestly with your partner knowing that your honesty could be painful at times? If there are conflicts, how do you resolve them? Do dominants have a similar conflict?

I think there are a lot of wrinkles. At the beginning, in the courting process, some subs will say what they think the domme wants to hear. And some subs do that because, even if they say otherwise, they are looking for a quick hookup. Eventually, in anything long lasting, you've got to be yourself. If you just want to keep things at the kinky, get-together-now-and-then-for-fun level (which is OK), you can be more elastic. So, like most things, the answer to this question is a large spectrum depending on what type of relationship you have.

(in reply to Tristan)

Post #: 6

RE: Communication vs. Pleasing - 8/17/2011 5:30:50 PM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

I'm not submissive to anyone.. but as the Dominant, I go by a couple of personal rules... never ever ask a question that I'm not prepared for whatever the answer might be... and that should, along with other things (e.g., body language) help to create an open enough environment for almost anything to be said...I don't ever want a yes man, so to speak.

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to Tristan)

Post #: 7

RE: Communication vs. Pleasing - 8/17/2011 5:51:11 PM

StrongSpirit

Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
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There is room for 'pleasing'. It is called ROLEPLAYING.

"Pleasing" gets a lecture, not appreciation from me. Same for faking orgasms. Try that crap and you will get punished - as in going to bed without sex/kink not a spanking.

(in reply to Madame4a)

Post #: 8

RE: Communication vs. Pleasing - 8/17/2011 6:24:48 PM

RaspberryLemon

Posts: 422
Joined: 7/18/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Tristan

My question is directed toward submissives...do you have any conflicts between your desire to please your partner and to communication openly and honestly with your partner knowing that your honesty could be painful at times? If there are conflicts, how do you resolve them? Do dominants have a similar conflict?

No, I don't have inner conflicts between wanting to please and wanting to communicate. Part of pleasing him and maintaining a successful relationship with him is being 100% open and honest--trust and communication. I am not only strongly inclined to but also required to speak my mind. I do so and he trusts that what I say is honest, I trust that he understands that I'm saying what needs to be said. It works the other way around, too; he is honest with me and I understand that it is for the betterment of our communication and relationship. Nothing that is said is intended to hurt feelings, it's intended to be constructive, no matter what. We might not always enjoy what's been said, but we both know that this honesty and open communication is what's necessary for a healthy, successful relationship.

It would NOT please him for me to only say what I think he "wants to hear." What satisfies him is knowing he has a straightforward, honest partner he can always trust to tell it like it is. So there is never a conflict there.

(in reply to Tristan)

Post #: 9

RE: Communication vs. Pleasing - 8/17/2011 6:27:38 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

he knows when I have a problem with something and if I don't open up he'll make sure I do by beating me until I do.
It's that simple for us. Either tell him or get beat.

And beatings are not fun in any shape whatsoever with him.

For the most part it doesn't take much for me to open up to him though. We're both about honesty. I usually just tell him in a polite manner and we deal with it. I would rather deal with the problem than have it fester until it's too late.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to StrongSpirit)

Post #: 10

RE: Communication vs. Pleasing - 8/17/2011 6:48:32 PM

DecadentDesire

Posts: 234
Joined: 6/18/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tristan
Do dominants have a similar conflict?

Yes, in two ways. One, I always run into trouble getting open communication to some degree at the beginning of a relationship, but this is to be expected. The girl has very little rapport with me and therefore, no idea how I am going to react to negative feedback. It's a matter of realizing when someone is being less then open and then striving to create an environment where they are comfortable being open with me. The first time is always the hardest, but once we get past that and they realize I can handle whatever they have to say without freaking out or taking it personal, the issue then becomes less and less frequent.

Two, when it comes to the people who are close to me, I am actually a very sensitive guy and the influence and effect my actions have on others around me can weigh heavily on my soul. This applies to times when I have to risk (or deliberately attempt) causing emotional pain for the sake of a greater goal. In those times, I have to grit my teeth and suck it up, because I know it's the right thing to do (and allowing something to continue out of cowardice is completely unacceptable to me).

Seeing a look of hurt in the eyes of a companion doesn't get any easier as I get older, mainly, because I don't want it to. My sensitivity and empathy for the emotions of the people close to me is one of my best traits and I don't want either to dampen.

< Message edited by DecadentDesire -- 8/17/2011 6:50:24 PM >

_____________________________

I was once a Rabbit, driven Mad, by the Decadence of his Desires...

(in reply to Tristan)

Post #: 11

RE: Communication vs. Pleasing - 8/17/2011 6:53:28 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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I shut down if he's in a bad mood. But that's from other issues, not related to me being submissive.

The problem I see is that oftentimes dominants claim they want to hear open and honest communication but in reality they don't want to hear anything critical. If you shoot the messenger, even once, then don't be surprised if people don't voluntarily tell you stuff that will get them punished when it turns out you can't handle it.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to DecadentDesire)

Post #: 12

RE: Communication vs. Pleasing - 8/17/2011 6:57:46 PM

fragilepieces

Posts: 416
Joined: 7/6/2008
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quote:

The problem I see is that oftentimes dominants claim they want to hear open and honest communication but in reality they don't want to hear anything critical. If you shoot the messenger, even once, then don't be surprised if people don't voluntarily tell you stuff that will get them punished when it turns out you can't handle it.

I agree with this---however--I have learned to be honest and up front. If they can't handle it or handle it in a way that causes me to digress to the point of not desiring to be honest--I'd prefer to allow the door to hit my ass on the way out.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 13

RE: Communication vs. Pleasing - 8/17/2011 7:03:24 PM

DecadentDesire

Posts: 234
Joined: 6/18/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
The problem I see is that oftentimes dominants claim they want to hear open and honest communication but in reality they don't want to hear anything critical. If you shoot the messenger, even once, then don't be surprised if people don't voluntarily tell you stuff that will get them punished when it turns out you can't handle it.

To quote a private conversation with a poster on these boards, "They [the submissive] are going to register aggression from you on much higher levels then you will with them or yourself".

It is amazing how one wrong and foolish move and can undo months of rapport and work. I am speaking from personal experience on that one.

_____________________________

I was once a Rabbit, driven Mad, by the Decadence of his Desires...

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 14

RE: Communication vs. Pleasing - 8/17/2011 7:09:21 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tristan

My question is directed toward submissives...do you have any conflicts between your desire to please your partner and to communication openly and honestly with your partner knowing that your honesty could be painful at times? If there are conflicts, how do you resolve them? Do dominants have a similar conflict?

Well yes. Not through a desire to please, but because I really can't stand the rotten stuff that it requires when there's conflict afoot.

I don't have THAT much of a problem communicating...in fact, I think he'd rather I did...LOL

When it comes to saying things that I KNOW are going to cause friction, I tend to avoid it, until I (in a personal way), have to. Basically, I hate confrontation but won't hide how I feel either. A pretty bastardly place to be at times. Still, one does one's best.......lol.

The end result generally is that we both *hear* each other. We'd never have lasted this long if we hadn't found a fairly satifactory way of being heard. I can't say I'd recommend it though.......:)

agirl

_____________________________

See how easy it can be?

(in reply to Tristan)

Post #: 15

RE: Communication vs. Pleasing - 8/17/2011 8:44:35 PM

MasterSlaveLA

Posts: 3991
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tristan

I think there may be more ways for people to F-up a D/s relationship through miscommunication than there are to F-up a vanilla relationship through similar miscommunication.

Your thinking is flawed.

quote:

As a dominant, I know the importance of understanding my partner's thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

And you think those of the vanilla ilk don't know the "importance of understanding [their] partner's thoughts, feelings, and emotions"?!! Hint: They do.

There is nothing special about a BDSM coupling vs. a Vanilla coupling.

< Message edited by MasterSlaveLA -- 8/17/2011 8:45:06 PM >

_____________________________

It's only kinky the first time!!!

(in reply to Tristan)

Post #: 16

RE: Communication vs. Pleasing - 8/17/2011 8:48:30 PM

MasterSlaveLA

Posts: 3991
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: StrongSpirit

"Pleasing" gets a lecture, not appreciation from me. Same for faking orgasms. Try that crap and you will get punished - as in going to bed without sex/kink not a spanking.

How often have you had to lecture and punish your pet hamster?!!

_____________________________

It's only kinky the first time!!!

(in reply to StrongSpirit)

Post #: 17

RE: Communication vs. Pleasing - 8/17/2011 8:57:42 PM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
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I am allowed to express what I'm feeling at all times.
I also know that he may make decisions that I don't always agree with based on those expressions.
I've come to realize that he always makes the best decisions for us that he can.
I can't pick and choose what I will go along with. By going along with what he has decided is pleasing to me.

_____________________________

(in reply to Tristan)

Post #: 18

RE: Communication vs. Pleasing - 8/17/2011 9:06:18 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

I am allowed to express what I'm feeling at all times.
I also know that he may make decisions that I don't always agree with based on those expressions.
I've come to realize that he always makes the best decisions for us that he can.
I can't pick and choose what I will go along with. By going along with what he has decided is pleasing to me.

That all seems to be the same here. Apart from the bit about *By going along with what he has decided is pleasing to me*. Overall, yes, almost always........at the time?, about 70/30 in the pleasing stakes.

I can't pick and choose either, well, I can, but it'd not bode well at ALL. So one tends not to.

agirl

_____________________________

See how easy it can be?

(in reply to Aileen1968)

Post #: 19

RE: Communication vs. Pleasing - 8/17/2011 9:15:17 PM

HannahLynHeather

Posts: 2950
Joined: 4/4/2011
From: where it's at
Status: offline

quote:

I used to, but Hanners has made it very, VERY clear, that that sort of open communication pleases her, so there is no longer any conflict. As Hanners is so fond of saying: sometimes it really is that simple.

fuck i'm a wise little whore ain't i?

look, it is simple. some say they are allowed to speak up, heather is required to. i need her to keep me informed of her mental/emotional state because it's my job to make sure she is getting what she needs out of the relationship. i can't do that without her feedback, i don't know about other dominants, but i'm no kreskin.

in fact, i expect her to give me the benefit of her insight at all times. when there is a decision to make i want her views on it. why? because she's a fuck of a lot smarter than me. duh.

she's my slave. all of her. not just her ass, but her brain as well. i'd be a right fucking fool to use the first and not the second.

_____________________________

clique? i don't need no stinking clique!

fuck a duck ~w. disney

My Twitter: http://twitter.com/HannahFuck

i hope you enjoyed the post, and as always my friends....have a nice day

(in reply to HeatherMcLeather)

Post #: 20

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