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RE: Dom Lateness - 8/31/2011 7:59:31 AM

coookie

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Joined: 10/25/2010
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quote:

His decision to leave it up to you to decide whether you want to continue in the relationship seems extremely "undomly" to me. As the Dom, he should be taking control and making the decision.

So she comes to him all aflap about something that does not really bother and he says "look i see this bothers you so i will leave it up to you if you want to continue"
It would have been way better had he said "oh sorry baby let me change and perhaps you could reward and punish me for my behaviour too" OR perhaps he could have gone with "shut it, you aint nothing but a bitch so wait for me with your painties in your mouth". Both of the latter i would be saying the guy is a douche canoe. He is saying hey i understand if its not something you can live with. That doesnt seem so "undomly" to me.

The dominant has already given you the answer OP. Either you can live with it or not. Start showing up later yourself to save the time if you can deal. If not, happy searching.

(in reply to Rochsub2009)

Post #: 41

RE: Dom Lateness - 8/31/2011 8:31:08 AM

Amygdalin

Posts: 69
Joined: 6/28/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: coookie

He is saying hey i understand if its not something you can live with. That doesnt seem so "undomly" to me.

I agree. I think it would be far less responsible to demand anything at this point. He realizes he is at fault and has admitted it is his problem. That can be hard to do for a man period. Or anyone who prescribes themselves as "Dom" because I have seen quite a few large egos attached to that word.

Admitting it is his fault and problem takes a certain amount of responsibility and maturity. So, he is asking if you can live with it. And this is all provided that the reason he is late is not underhanded, or anything to do with cheating.

Personally, I try to be early for most things, but people know that is not always the case with me. If I rush to get somewhere on time and sacrifice my "own pace," I may arrive without me knickers on or something, and I feel a responsibility to the world to spare them that horror.

(in reply to coookie)

Post #: 42

RE: Dom Lateness - 8/31/2011 8:53:53 AM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
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quote:

ORIGINAL: coookie

quote:

His decision to leave it up to you to decide whether you want to continue in the relationship seems extremely "undomly" to me. As the Dom, he should be taking control and making the decision.

He is saying hey i understand if its not something you can live with. That doesnt seem so "undomly" to me.

What seems "undomly" is not being able to be punctual in the first place. I assume that if the situation were reversed, and she was the one who repeatedly showed up late and kept him waiting, he would be pretty upset about it. I'm going to assume that he'd probably punish her for it (or get rid of her all together).

Frankly, I don't understand those people who have chimed in and said that they are always late and really have no control over it. That's bullshit! Of course they can control it. They simply choose not to.

I'll bet her Dom isn't habitually late for work. And I'll bet that if Bill Gates announced that he'd be giving $10,000,000 apiece to everyone who showed up at a specific location by 1:00pm, her "Dom" would find a way to be there by 1:00pm.

IMO, the ability to be on-time usually reflects how important the particular event/person is to you. People aren't usually late for work because they'd lose their job if they were. Similarly, they find a way to be on-time for the events that are important to them. If they can't be on-time for meetings with you, it simply means that you're not important enough for them to make you a priority. (Obviously, I'm referring to habitual lateness, and not one-time events like traffic jams, car wrecks, personal emergencies, etc.).

There's nothing wrong with not making someone a priority. However, they should at least be honest enough to admit that that's the case, instead of hiding behind a silly excuse like "I'm always late". In my opinion, that makes them sound like an irresponsible child.

< Message edited by Rochsub2009 -- 8/31/2011 8:57:28 AM >

(in reply to coookie)

Post #: 43

RE: Dom Lateness - 8/31/2011 9:02:26 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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Both Master and I have a thing about being on time, keeping to our words, etc....so when we first started dating he would always say he was going to call. It started to become a problem when he would not call as he said because he fell asleep, worked long hours, got engrossed in a book, whatnot. It would not have been a problem had it been occasional but it happened repeatedly so I told him about it....we talked about it. He apologized and said he would make sure he was more consistent with his words. He was completely unaware that it was happening often. Time just got away from him. He didn't put it off on me and tell me to deal with it. He didn't just walk away, he didn't tell me to make a choice. Instead he acted like a mature adult, apologized for his inconsistency and since then we haven't had any problems of this nature at all.

So my view is if he's putting it off on you to make the choice he's completely ignoring both your emotional issues and his responsibilities which leads me to believe he really doesn't care about you and couldn't really care less if you left him. What does that tell you right there?

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Post #: 44

RE: Dom Lateness - 8/31/2011 9:06:56 AM

LaTigresse

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Being late, in and of itself, may very well not have any reflection on the importance of the person or event involved.

Just because punctuality is vital to many/some, does NOT mean it is to ALL. I know one person that is habitually late, the joke is that they will be late to their own funeral. To compensate, the smart people in his life just tell him an earlier time.......voila', problem solved.

I am usually on time or early, but I have been known to be late. The reasons vary. Quite often because I simply lost track of time. I have a lot going on in my life and don't like wasting time clock watching when I could be accomplishing something else. Occasionally that leads to an "Oh shit!" moment as I glance at a clock and realize more time has passed than I thought. Just because I am late, the world does not come to an end. No lives are lost. All is still well in the universe. C'est la vie.

The situation at hand. The answer is really quite simple, either suck it up or dump his ass. Personally, my first thought was that he has another relationship he has not divulged. If he had the potential to be important, many wonderful qualities, I would be investigating that possibility toot sweet. Otherwise, just move along and find someone that is as anal about punctuality as you are!

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Rochsub2009)

Post #: 45

RE: Dom Lateness - 8/31/2011 9:09:30 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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I just thought of something....

If you decide to stay with this guy, you could do like I do with my sister who is ALWAYS late for absolutely everything on the planet including her own wedding......

Me and my sisters have learned that when we invite her along we tell her to be there at a certain time even though the event may not happen until an hour later. This way she's actually on time. She doesn't ever get to know the real time of the event and after all these years she's still oblivious that we do this to her lol.

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Post #: 46

RE: Dom Lateness - 8/31/2011 9:14:48 AM

LaTigresse

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That is what I do to Generic Dude and he is completely clueless.

He is a great guy, a bazillion wonderful qualities.....BUT if we are attending an event of mine, chances are he will make us late (per the time I give him). If it is an event of his, something important to him, he is pacing and nagging me to hurry (which of course has the opposite effect...

...silly man ). I don't take this issue personally. It's not like he is making a conscious effort to be a dick (that is my job)....it's just one of those idiosyncrasies of his.....goofy shit we all have in one form or another.

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 47

RE: Dom Lateness - 8/31/2011 9:17:22 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

Hmmmm, sounds pretty simple to me. The two of you are incompatible. That doesn't make either of you "right" or "wrong". It simply means that you're not right for one another.

:: snip :: His decision to leave it up to you to decide whether you want to continue in the relationship seems extremely "undomly" to me. As the Dom, he should be taking control and making the decision.
Frankly, he sounds like an inconsiderate ass to me. But maybe that's what you're looking for in a Dom.

the only issue I have with the bolded bit is that a relationship IS a two way street, IMO, regardless of the PE dynamics. HE may be willing to continue as is, but he's left it up to her to decide if SHE is willing. I dont see that as undomly, just as someone who is recognizing that what isnt an issue to him IS an issue to someone else and it is up to the other to decide if it's workable. Since it's a 'training' situation, I think this is especially true.. no collar/'happy ever after' commitment... no harm, no foul, IMO.

YMMV

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(in reply to Rochsub2009)

Post #: 48

RE: Dom Lateness - 8/31/2011 9:24:49 AM

Amygdalin

Posts: 69
Joined: 6/28/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

I assume that if the situation were reversed, and she was the one who repeatedly showed up late and kept him waiting, he would be pretty upset about it. I'm going to assume that he'd probably punish her for it (or get rid of her all together).

This wouldn't bother me. If my sub were habitually 15 minutes late or so. Of course, 15 minutes would fly by to me because my head would be wandering and writing the next page of my screenplay or the next chapter of that novel. And since lateness is sometimes a problem for me, I feel I don't have the right to judge another harshly for it. As long as she wasn't cheating on me, and was just a bit scatterbrained or such, I would have absolutely no problem with it.

It is obviously an issue for you and the OP and that is 100% fine. Different strokes for different folks. I actually kind of prefer the artsy girl who dresses in "off" ways and isn't ruled by the clock. But that's just me.

quote:

I'll bet her Dom isn't habitually late for work. And I'll bet that if Bill Gates announced that he'd be giving $10,000,000 apiece to everyone who showed up at a specific location by 1:00pm, her "Dom" would find a way to be there by 1:00pm.

I'm habitually late for work...

And if Bill Gates did that, I wouldn't move from this computer chair. I pretty much wouldn't give a crap. I have more important things to write than worry about his worthless, paper money. And I have this thing about everytime the masses flock to something. I stay away from it just for that reason, if nothing else.

quote:

IMO, the ability to be on-time usually reflects how important the particular event/person is to you. People aren't usually late for work because they'd lose their job if they were. Similarly, they find a way to be on-time for the events that are important to them.

Now this I agree with. If I had a girl I were interested in, truthfully I would try to go above and beyond to be on time because I wouldn't want her to feel she was wasting her time, or that I had ditched her. And I would care about what she thought and felt. But, sometimes absent-mindedness does take over. It isn't being unresponsible or not caring. I literally would probably forget my own head if it weren't screwed on fairly tight. And I do care about my own head.

But, just to play devil's advocate here, what if her Dom is the President? What if right after he gives a speech, he gets on Air Force One and is flying like a bat out of hell to meet her for a session, but Henry Kissinger calls up and says, "Mr. President..."

(in reply to Rochsub2009)

Post #: 49

RE: Dom Lateness - 8/31/2011 9:31:30 AM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
Being late, in and of itself, may very well not have any reflection on the importance of the person or event involved.

Just because punctuality is vital to many/some, does NOT mean it is to ALL.

Sure. We all know somebody who is habitually late. But are they always late for work (and therefore constantly seeking new jobs)? If not, then you've proven my point.

But admittedly, there may be some people who have absolutely no control over their tardiness. Fortunately, most of those people are institutionalized.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 50

RE: Dom Lateness - 8/31/2011 9:35:03 AM

tolovetolaugh

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Joined: 4/30/2008
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It can have a horrible emotional impact on the person who is constantly being flaked on. Especially when it happens again and again... and even more so when the person has canceled last minute a few times as the op has said her flake has.

You are so happy, your going to get to see your Dom, you have a bounce to your step, something to look forward to for the day... and then the time comes and they are not there. And then time passes and they still are not there and you begin to worry. You worry about them, you worry you wont be seeing them at all, because they have done it to you before.

You go from happy to worried to sad...and in my case than to angry for being treated this way on a regular basis.

Emotional roller coasters are not healthy in any relationship. Habitual lateness especially linked with last minute cancellations can really hurt someone.
And for him to just blow it off by saying "ok, so I'm always late" with no apparent interest to change it or even an apology showing they care it bothers you means the guy is immature and doesn't deserve the op.

Its like someone with an addiction who knows it and admits it, but just doesn't give a shit and has no interest in fixing it.

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(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 51

RE: Dom Lateness - 8/31/2011 9:39:33 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
Being late, in and of itself, may very well not have any reflection on the importance of the person or event involved.

Just because punctuality is vital to many/some, does NOT mean it is to ALL.

Sure. We all know somebody who is habitually late. But are they always late for work (and therefore constantly seeking new jobs)? If not, then you've proven my point.

But admittedly, there may be some people who have absolutely no control over their tardiness. Fortunately, most of those people are institutionalized.

I think you are attempting to create a mountain from a mole hill. The people I know that are often late, are yes, often late to work. You see, smart people that are a poor judge of time simply find work where time is less an issue. OR, they are such excellent employees that the fact they get to the office at 8:10 am versus 7:55 am, is a non issue.

It really isn't about being in control or not, it is about what is important to the individual. Obviously being on time is important TO YOU. You are not everyone and should not presume to place your issues onto others simply because it is a positive issue TO YOU.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Rochsub2009)

Post #: 52

RE: Dom Lateness - 8/31/2011 9:41:19 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: tolovetolaugh

It can have a horrible emotional impact on the person who is constantly being flaked on. Especially when it happens again and again... and even more so when the person has canceled last minute a few times as the op has said her flake has.

You are so happy, your going to get to see your Dom, you have a bounce to your step, something to look forward to for the day... and then the time comes and they are not there. And then time passes and they still are not there and you begin to worry. You worry about them, you worry you wont be seeing them at all, because they have done it to you before.

You go from happy to worried to sad...and in my case than to angry for being treated this way on a regular basis.

Emotional roller coasters are not healthy in any relationship. Habitual lateness especially linked with last minute cancellations can really hurt someone.
And for him to just blow it off by saying "ok, so I'm always late" with no apparent interest to change it or even an apology showing they care it bothers you means the guy is immature and doesn't deserve the op.

Its like someone with an addiction who knows it and admits it, but just doesn't give a shit and has no interest in fixing it.

If a person allows something as trivial as a few minutes to rule their emotional well being, they are sooooooooooooooooo not someone I want in my life. Regardless of whether or not I am nearly always on time to meet with them or not.

"Horrible emotional impact..." I mean, seriously?!?!?

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to tolovetolaugh)

Post #: 53

RE: Dom Lateness - 8/31/2011 9:43:48 AM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

It really isn't about being in control or not, it is about what is important to the individual.

And once again, you've supported my point. My entire premise was that it's a matter of priorities.

It's obvious that you agree with me. So let's just agree to agree.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 54

RE: Dom Lateness - 8/31/2011 9:44:18 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
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Yay!!

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Rochsub2009)

Post #: 55

RE: Dom Lateness - 8/31/2011 9:47:06 AM

tolovetolaugh

Posts: 648
Joined: 4/30/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

If a person allows something as trivial as a few minutes to rule their emotional well being, they are sooooooooooooooooo not someone I want in my life. Regardless of whether or not I am nearly always on time to meet with them or not.

"Horrible emotional impact..." I mean, seriously?!?!?

Over the course of several months, with 4 out of 5 times the person being late, 1 out of 5 times canceling only after you have been waiting for several hours for them to show up.

I agree a few minutes is trivial, but we are not necessarily talking minutes.

_____________________________

That which yields, is not always weak. —
Jacqueline Carey (Kushiel's Dart)

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(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 56

RE: Dom Lateness - 8/31/2011 9:51:23 AM

LadyHibiscus

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I used to be a brilliant time manager, always early for stuff... now, that's all in the dumper. My family doesn't help, there is always that ONE MORE THING that they have to dump on me as I am TRYING to leave the house in the morning. Also, I live in House O'Gimp. Sometimes, I have to cancel stuff that I really don't want to cancel, but PRIORITIES, eh?

When your priorities don't match, it's as bad as when your senses of humor don't match. A formula for endless friction, miscommunication, and conflict.

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Post #: 57

RE: Dom Lateness - 8/31/2011 10:41:55 AM

gorgeoushair

Posts: 114
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@Hannah...

As fate or luck or whatever would have it, He has agreed that he has not been as punctual as he should, apologized, and will change his conduct, because He wants to continue the relationship.

Time will tell, of course....

(in reply to Rochsub2009)

Post #: 58

RE: Dom Lateness - 8/31/2011 10:51:10 AM

gorgeoushair

Posts: 114
Joined: 4/30/2011
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@ Tolov, and all....

Thanks for Y/your post(s).

He has agreed that his lack of punctuality and last minute cancellations were not good things/respectful/courteous, and He is going to change His conduct. (He wants the relationship to continue.)

i am glad...W/we have otherwise developed a mutually satisfying, if limited, relationship, which works for U/us for now.

Time, of course, will ultimately tell...i am willing to give Him the chance...thanks for all Y/your comments and time....

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 59

RE: Dom Lateness - 8/31/2011 11:03:20 AM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
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quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
The canceling at the last minute would irk me. But as for this.....

quote:

ORIGINAL: gorgeoushair
Never could understand why people who are late think that their time is more valuable than mine...

As somebody that has the lateness issue: I have always found this attitude to be arrogant. I don't think my time is more important than yours, I simply have no concept of time.

If you ask me to tell you after 5 minutes has gone by, you would find I'm no where near the mark. I'm either way early or way late. I have dealt with this my entire life. I have clocks everywhere in my house. I have a cooking timer in the bathroom to set a time limit when I'm getting ready. I have clocks that rule my life just to make sure I get to work on time.

So, why don't you come down off of that high horse....

Ditto!! I also have never had any concept of the passage of time...without a watch or clock, I couldn't tell you if 5 minutes has passed or 50...I just don't have a clue.

I'm also an airhead...when I was teaching networking my students used to joke that I was the stereotypical absent-minded professor. I forget stuff, I suffered a few MAJOR concussions in my youth and sorry, my memory just isn't what it should be.

That being said...I do make a major effort not to be late. But as you pointed out yourself OP, he has left the decision up to you. Can you adapt to his lateness or not...the ball is in your court.

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Post #: 60

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