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RE: Inappropriate expectations? - 9/7/2011 7:46:40 AM

Killerangel

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I wanted to add something. You know that feeling you get when you do something that is a success? That on top of the world, pat yourself on the back feeling that makes you smile? Well, by relying on an outside source to govern your behavior you are depriving yourself of this feeling. It might work well to have your Master step in and give you a hand, but it also holds you back from being the you that's further down the road of self-enlightenment and self-improvement. It also deprives him of being able to step back and be proud of what you've accomplished.

I'm not the same woman I was in my 20's and I'm glad of it. Most older people you talk to will say that they like themselves better as they get older because they learn things and become wiser. By coming here to discuss something about yourself and taking the things that were said in an objective way, you are giving yourself ammunition to become wiser and to do things differently in a way that'll end up making you feel pretty awesome about yourself. It's never easy working on yourself, in fact many of us run from that and hide. While you are thinking things over, take the uncomfortable things from this thread and let it propel you to a place where you start a new road for yourself. It's always hard, but definitely worthwhile

< Message edited by Killerangel -- 9/7/2011 7:47:54 AM >

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RE: Inappropriate expectations? - 9/7/2011 8:23:50 AM

lizi

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The previous post said something that resonated with me. When we have kids, our goal in raising them is to be self-sufficient. We start off with basic safety and how to care for oneself, then onto more social issues of how to interact with others, and the rest of the time we're kind of fine-tuning things in both those categories. If you had a child that had a difficult time controlling herself you'd work with her on finding possible solutions and then, hopefully, stand back while she struggled with it and eventually got it down. You'd be there along the way to guide and help, but in the end she would be the one doing the work and once she got there the poor control would be a thing of the past. She'd feel pretty good about herself, and you'd be feeling pretty proud of her, plus she'd have taken steps to improve herself and develop traits that she'd be able to use productively for the rest of her life.

We all go down this road of trying to improve ourselves from the time we are children till the time we die. In fact...who are the people you tend to avoid? I would bet that they might be the ones who are stuck in destructive behaviour patterns. For instance, I can't be around my mother for too long because she always reacts to certain things in the same old crazy, whiny, self-centered, destructive ways that end up making me want to bang my head on the nearest wall. I always have to be the grownup with her and I get pretty darned tired of it and I avoid being with her as a result.

But wait, you say that's not you. Well, that might be true but why not be the best you that you can be? I understand that childhood issues can trail over into adulthood where they can be a huge hindrance to you being a productive, self-reliant, centered, human being. It just doesn't seem productive to me to kind of assign something to someone else when it pertains to yourself. It's not productive, it's not expedient, it's not sensible. Why would you buy every meal out if you could cook for yourself? If you could fix your own car why not do that rather than depend on someone else? You are talking about an inner trait that is part of you....work on it and become a better person with more to offer to yourself and to those you love.

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RE: Inappropriate expectations? - 9/7/2011 9:02:43 AM

Asherscorp1

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Interestingly, I have a 3yr old. I help him manage his emotions by teaching him methods to use to calm down on his own and also stepping in when necessary. I recognize that sometimes he is too distraught to remember to stop, breathe, take a time-out and come back to the situation. Reminding him, going through the steps, doing them with him, all of those reinforce what I have taught him. I don't expect him to handle every emotionally charged situation himself though and honestly, I don't expect that from adults either. If my friend needs to vent, scream, blow some steam, cry on me, I don't tell her, sorry, you need to learn to manage these strong emotions on your own. Every one of us goes through our lives essentially alone. People come in and out of our universe, but in the end the only constant is ourselves. Of course if we rely on someone else for everything we will fail to be happy, adjusted, or sane. But relying on someone else for help when they are there, when they are willing and with the understanding that both people are always on an upward trajectory of conscious self-improvement seems to embody why humans even have relationships. It's security knowing another person is able and willing to assist you. It's destructive to expect it constantly or be unable to acheive a happy state without that. However, I have stated already that I don't rely on it all the time and I do acheive that same state on my own, it just takes longer to work myself around to it. I think people tend to take things to extremes when communicating online. After all, there is no inflection in type so it's easy to misunderstand. In the end, I think most everyone who posted has the right idea, just an extreme view of things.

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RE: Inappropriate expectations? - 9/7/2011 9:06:03 AM

kalikshama

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quote:

If I was responsible for a person (which I have been in the past) that was having problems dealing with their emotions and how they handled them, or the lack of ability to handle them........I would be hauling their ass in for professional help PRONTO.

I am no mental health professional. I do not have patience for grown adults tossing childish temper tantrums. It has proven to be MUCH more productive to allow the professionals to do what it is they've been trained to do.

Nailed it!

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RE: Inappropriate expectations? - 9/8/2011 5:46:27 PM

DesFIP

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Actually Sunny, the comparison with blood sugar is apt. We were unexpectedly out of town last week and he wound up not having taken his meds, which were sitting home on the kitchen counter. At one point he was dealing very badly with things and I asked him how he felt, blood sugar wise. Turned out he was ignoring the symptoms; shaky etc and needed my intervention to get him to stop and us go eat which stabilized him.

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RE: Inappropriate expectations? - 9/9/2011 1:15:42 PM

UberBrat

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I would never have a swearing, slamming doors, crying temper tantrum at my Master. There are rare occassions when I have been an idiot, and been a little moody, but they've always ended pretty quickly. I suspect that if I ever acted like that, I'd just piss him off, and he'd tell me to grow the hell up - i'm not his child, and he doesn't expect me to acy like one.

As for helping me to take care of myself, he has always been quite clear about the fact that, as my owner, and I as his property, he cares about me deeply, and wants to be there for me, and to help me. He's one of the kindest men I've ever met - but that doesn't mean that he'd put up with me acting like a spoilt brat (despite my name - which is a joke really, rather than what I am actually like). He wouldn't.

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RE: Inappropriate expectations? - 11/10/2011 11:48:20 AM

ScottFreakshow

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We are each responsible for our own emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual wellbeing.
That being said, if we wanted/needed support then we ask.
Afterall, how can he hear that which has not been said?
I am always willing to help him through tougher times (IE he's quitting smoking right now), and I should hope that he is willing to do the same for me. Otherwise I may go and find someone that is, haha.
And he knows that too.

On a similar note, I am not an overly emotional person anyways. I own my emotions, not the other way around. So big emotional displays are minimal, never out of control and usually over quickly once the stressor has been removed.

< Message edited by ScottFreakshow -- 11/10/2011 11:57:25 AM >

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RE: Inappropriate expectations? - 11/11/2011 10:29:25 PM

tiggerspoohbear

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As I've stated more than once on the boards, I suffer from clinical depression. I'll be medicated for the rest of my natural life, there's something in my brain that doesn't connect right and misfires. I also have a multitude of disorders that go along with this, both emotional and physical. I don't get angry by yelling or throwing tantrums, I keep it all bottled up.

Last week, when driving to P's I got seriously lost once in his city. It took me 90 minutes to finally find my way there. I saw him walking up the sidewalk looking for my car and then I lost it. I was a babbling, snotty, crying mess. He knows this about me. It took him 30 minutes to calm me down to a more reasonable state. I don't do these things for attention, I just get so anxious and stressed, it's my only way of relief. He held me closely, kissed my face, stroked my hair, and just ran his hands up and down my back. The shhhh, shhhhh he kept invoking helped. I was a babbling idiot trying to explain everything that had happened, and he re-assured me that I was fine now, I'd made it there safely and that he had me.

I often feel like a failure in my own eyes for being like that, and I turn inwards and make mountains out of molehills. I'm very self-aware, I know I'm doing these things, yet I can't stop myself. I've been to repeated counseling, psycho-therapy, psychologists. I know the medications aren't enough, that I need outside help. But it's also nice to know that the Dom I've grown to love isn't giving up on me. He says I'm his for life, regardless of my mental health issues and will help in any way he can.

For the first time in 30 yrs I feel that I've found the perfect one for me. He doesn't shut me down, make me feel worthless or stupid and he doesn't treat me like a child although we have a D/lg relationship. There's no age play involved, but I'm his little girl and he's my daddy. With him I feel protected, calm, safe and most of all loved regardless of my problems.

And he knows that I'd be there in a heartbeat for him if the situation was reversed. I'm still compassionate, caring, loving, attentive and respectful. I wouldn't ever be any other way with him. We've found in each other what we'd been searching for for so long. We complete each other and I trust him with my life.

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