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How to find the perfect sub? - 9/5/2011 9:37:01 AM

bigladinbrum

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I'm a relatively new dom, well very new, and I'm having trouble finding a new sub girl.

My previous sub was my LTR girlfriend and after a long time we split and since then I cannot seem to find a sub.

Any tips from subs? Or dom/dommes?

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RE: How to find the perfect sub? - 9/5/2011 9:44:01 AM

littlewonder

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How did you find your last relationship? Bdsm isn't any different.

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RE: How to find the perfect sub? - 9/5/2011 9:49:41 AM

myotherself

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From: The cold bit of the UK
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Fill out your profile. Make it appeal to her as a woman first, sub second. Tell her about YOU, not a list of kinks or demands.

Approach women who fit what you're looking for. Talk to them in the same way as you would if you'd just met them in a pub.

Find local kink events. Munches are a low-pressure way to meet other kinksters...no fet gear, no play, just a nice chat with like-minded folk. You're in Brum, and there's a hell of a local scene there.

Get thee over to Fetlife, find the Birmingham chat group and introduce yourself. Maybe wander over to the Birmingham Bizarre Bazaar (known as the BBB) which is on next weekend, I think. Lots of kinky stalls, demos, and socialising afterwards.

Find out the details (and maybe someone to go with) over on Fetlife. And don't forget to enjoy yourself too

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RE: How to find the perfect sub? - 9/5/2011 9:59:21 AM

bigladinbrum

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Thank you for your advice, I think that is where I am going wrong, I am too focused on the sub rather than the person, I need to find the woman first and the sub second.

Is the BBB at he Nightingale club?

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RE: How to find the perfect sub? - 9/5/2011 10:01:32 AM

MHAP

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Be honest with the Sub.s, and be yourself. Don't try to impress them, talk to them just like any other "person", and just keep looking.

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RE: How to find the perfect sub? - 9/5/2011 10:01:56 AM

myotherself

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don't worry - many of us go that route in the beginning

Just be prepared to take your time to meet the woman you really want rather than rushing into second best and risking two people being hurt.

The BBB is at the Nightingale Club - here's the link.

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RE: How to find the perfect sub? - 9/5/2011 10:02:28 AM

frazzle

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nm the bunny got there first.

< Message edited by frazzle -- 9/5/2011 10:03:04 AM >

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RE: How to find the perfect sub? - 9/5/2011 10:10:51 AM

myotherself

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that has to be a first for me

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RE: How to find the perfect sub? - 9/5/2011 10:15:12 AM

frazzle

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to the OP
I will add that if you cant be bothered with your profile and cant be bothered to do a simple google search, it doesnt bode well. Being Dom doesnt mean sitting around being bone idle and expecting everyone to do the work for you.

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RE: How to find the perfect sub? - 9/5/2011 10:19:59 AM

LiveByYourNature

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Stop looking for perfection. There isn't any. Look for good enough, and, then make it lose weight, train it to act better, etc. That is the point of you being a dominant.

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RE: How to find the perfect sub? - 9/5/2011 10:26:04 AM

littlewonder

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wow, seriously? I hope you're joking.

I'm glad I didn't sit around waiting for Mr. Good Enough. I waited around for Mr, Makes My World So Much Better who likes me for me.

To the Op, find someone who you truly want to be with, who makes you smile when you even think of them, who makes you want to be a better person for not just them but for yourself, who is someone you can't wait to see again.

Yup, that can take a long time...years even. But it's worth it in the end.

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RE: How to find the perfect sub? - 9/5/2011 10:31:40 AM

GreedyTop

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~FR~

perfect sub? be the perfect PERSON for her.. note that I did NOT say perfect DOMINANT.

follow the advice of others above...

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RE: How to find the perfect sub? - 9/5/2011 12:07:47 PM

sexyred1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LiveByYourNature

Stop looking for perfection. There isn't any. Look for good enough, and, then make it lose weight, train it to act better, etc. That is the point of you being a dominant.

Tell it to put the lotion on it's skin too, while you are at it. Not everyone who is submissive is seeking someone to call them "it" or be changed. Some of us prefer to find partners who like us the way we are. To the right person, we are already perfect.

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RE: How to find the perfect sub? - 9/5/2011 12:50:33 PM

MasterSlaveLA

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

quote:

ORIGINAL: LiveByYourNature

Stop looking for perfection. There isn't any. Look for good enough, and, then make it lose weight, train it to act better, etc. That is the point of you being a dominant.

quote:

Not everyone who is submissive is seeking someone to call them "it" or be changed.

Yeah... but some are?!! So what's your fucking point... that YOUR one-twoo-way is the ONLY way?!! You may not like the way that poster phrased their comment with the "it" thing (as well as the "weight" thing), but there was nothing... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING written within that poster's comment that directly or indirectly, stated or implied that "everyone" is "seeking someone to call them 'it' or be 'changed'" -- that's just YOU either (i) starting drama for drama's sake, or (ii) thinking YOUR WAY is the one-twoo-way.

Well hint: there are many who seek/desire/enjoy the "it" and "changed" things -- it's merely stated in mushy, pc, bdsm speak for people like you who seem to need the romanticized bdsm syntax of "objectification", "humiliation", "degradation", and "training", "discipline", "guidance" and so forth to somehow make it "acceptable" in your silly little kink circle.

Had that poster actually stated that "everyone" who is of the sub/slave ilk was "seeking" they type of dynamic that they clearly enjoy, then I would be the first to side with your comment -- but they did NOT... so the failing (and assumption of what others are "seeking") is YOURS!!! Grow the hell up and quit attributing your preferences on others. Take notice of how LittleWonder addressed it and learn from her. If that poster's dynamic is not for you, then fine... but again, there was nothing... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in that poster's comment that stated you, anyone, or everyone should subscribe to the dynamic they enjoy, as you falsely alleged.

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RE: How to find the perfect sub? - 9/5/2011 12:57:59 PM

Kaliko

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA

You may not like the way that poster phrased their comment with the "it" thing (as well as the "weight" thing), but there was nothing... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING written within that poster's comment that directly or indirectly, stated or implied that "everyone" is "seeking someone to call them 'it' or be 'changed'" -- that's just YOU either (i) starting drama for drama's sake, or (ii) thinking YOUR WAY is the one-twoo-way.

Hmm. That's actually exactly how I read it. (Unless I'm mistaken about what posting we're talking about?) When someone says "That's the point of you being dominant" it sounds to me that what they're saying is...um...that that's the point of being dominant. Doesn't seem like they've clarified any further.

< Message edited by Kaliko -- 9/5/2011 1:00:29 PM >

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RE: How to find the perfect sub? - 9/5/2011 1:01:45 PM

bigladinbrum

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Thank you so much for all of your replies, very constructive.

Frazzle, I respect that my profile should be completed, but when I started the profile originally I had my sub and it was to keep the profile open, now I am seeking I haven't had the time to update my profile as I have been actively seeking offline, also not being bothered to search is really a matter of time. I work for myself with a typical 16 hour day and every second counts. Thank you for your opinion though :)

I have found my way over to FetLife and I have started my profile on there, I am already chatting to a few people and getting the wheels in motion.

Thank you all.

Oh and I shouldn't have really put perfect in the title, perfection is abstract in that everybody see's something different.

< Message edited by bigladinbrum -- 9/5/2011 1:02:50 PM >

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RE: How to find the perfect sub? - 9/5/2011 1:05:28 PM

MasterSlaveLA

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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

wow, seriously? I hope you're joking.

I'm glad I didn't sit around waiting for Mr. Good Enough. I waited around for Mr, Makes My World So Much Better who likes me for me.

For what it's worth, LittleWonder, I actually understand what that poster was alluding to, albeit in a rather BLUNT way. They'd stated:

quote:

ORIGINAL: LiveByYourNature

Stop looking for perfection. There isn't any. Look for good enough, and, then make it lose weight, train it to act better, etc. That is the point of you being a dominant.

i read this as, "Stop looking for perfection... it doesn't exist. Find someone you're compatible with, and as the Dominant, work on the small stuff together."

I know you'd written you didn't "sit around waiting for Mr. Good Enough", but really... since one can NEVER find perfection, then in actuality, we all select someone that meets most of our wants/needs (i.e., "good enough"), and work through the small stuff. I personally wouldn't have used the words "good enough", but understood what that poster was stating -- said poster can, of course, correct me if they meant something different.

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RE: How to find the perfect sub? - 9/5/2011 1:09:10 PM

MasterSlaveLA

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Kaliko... see my reply to LittleWonder for further clarification of how I personally read the "That is the point of you being a dominant" portion of the comment.

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RE: How to find the perfect sub? - 9/5/2011 2:20:06 PM

Kaliko

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I can see how you can get that from what was written. But for me, if I go by the words that were written, not an interpretation of what was written, I still see the assumption that this is the rule for all dominants.

I know (I hope) that's not what he actually meant...surely he must understand that not all dominants look upon their submissives as things that are not good enough until molded by their dominant to his pleasure. And yes, perhaps looking at it as a partnership between the dominant and the submissive for each to meet the other's needs rather than the submissive as an object to be improved is a romanticized version of BDSM in the eyes of some. Personal views on BDSM are neither here nor there. I'm going by the words on the screen.

No biggie. I didn't get all spun up about it or anything. I was just saying...that's how I read it, too.

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RE: How to find the perfect sub? - 9/5/2011 2:31:37 PM

MasterSlaveLA

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko
...if I go by the words that were written, not an interpretation of what was written

Again, I believe I am going "by the words that were written" as well, and simply do not see a thing that states or implies "everyone" should share their view/dynamic as the other poster alleged.