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RE: Broadening Horizons: A question to Sadists. - 9/10/2011 8:42:08 AM   
LaTigresse


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quote:

ORIGINAL: zephyroftheNorth

There's a huge difference between shit stirring and confronting someone. My post is on the issue of confrontation.


I agree...just that whole fast reply thing combined with a thought as it came to me via your post.

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RE: Broadening Horizons: A question to Sadists. - 9/10/2011 8:45:04 AM   
Kana


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quote:

ORIGINAL: NocturnalStalker

My question to those that are heavily into sadism is how they found out that they had that "mean streak" in them.  Was it a process of desensitizing yourself steadily/unknowingly?  An event that happened with a partner that really opened their eyes? 

While I have your attention, as a sadist, do you find yourself being much more confrontational to other people in general?  Maybe you "stir the pot" intentionally?

By that same token, is your sadism strictly sexual gratification?  What is it about inflicting cruelty on others (be it physical/mental) that appeals most as best you can describe? 

In psychiatry, sadism is defined by causing pain/degradation to others while getting a sexual charge from it.  Is this simply just a blurred out version of abuse?  Are partners that indulge in your sadistic tendencies more prone to possessing psychological conditions such as the "battered spouse syndrome?"

Alright, so it is more than a single question but I get ahead of myself sometimes. 



OK. Going down the list (Having read none of the other responses)
-I've always had a bit of a mean street. I grew up fast and hard in situations where niceness was penalized and seen as a weakness. Thus, the edge I already had was honed to razor sharp before I was a teen.
-There hasn't been much desensitizing (Again, prior life experiences removed almost any sensitivity I may have had), but there was an epiphany BDSM moment when I realized that the worst thing I could do to/for/with some chicas was be nice, cut some slack-that they needed the discipline, the strictness, the reciprocity and the consequences and that when I failed to give them that, I was actually hurting them much more than if I had just whaled away on her.
-Yep. I'm confrontational, a provocateur and when I was younger, a straight up in your face asshole if I didn't like something or someone. I deliberately stir people up to watch how they react.Often. I don't know that this has anything to do with sadism, but it sure is a part of who and what I am. When Jimi Hendrix wrote "Tire tracks all across your back, I can see you had your fun." he may as well as been talking bout me.
-Sure, it's sexually gratifying...in a sexual or potentially sexual situation.
-I like the power and control. When I hit a nerve and folks react, they begin dancing my tune. Grins. That's the difference between act and react. Plus, it's just flat out an ego trip to impose ones will and intentions on another and have them yield. At this point, I guess I should mention that I tend to be hypercompetitive.
-The one stickler on this is that I get zero, and I mean none, sexual satisfaction out of the concept of utterly forcing myself on an unwilling participant. The kick, the edge and the high comes from the fact that she is submitting, willingly giving herself over to my every whim, to be degraded, used, beaten and just thrashed. That's the ultimate high.
-Finally, nope. I don't do battered spouse. Matter of fact, outside of that small sadism thing, I'm great to women. I love em, I support em, I'm their biggest fan. I just prefer them on their back, legs tied wide, with tears and mascara running down their face as they beg/plead/grovel me not to whip her cunt those last forty times.
Ain't that just all sorts of fucked up...in the best possible way.
The Irish, whatcha gonna do-Freud once said they were the one race to whom psychoanalysis was of no use whatsoever.


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RE: Broadening Horizons: A question to Sadists. - 9/10/2011 8:49:54 AM   
zephyroftheNorth


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RE: Broadening Horizons: A question to Sadists. - 9/10/2011 8:53:06 AM   
Kana


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Status: offline 		And now, having actually read the other posts, I'd like to mention that I grew up in a house with 3 sisters and a single Mom for many years. I was raised to treat women in a certain fashion, open doors, stand when they do at a restaurant, pick up the tab, in other words be a gentlemen. Learning to overcome that societal conditioning was probably the hardest thing to do in BDSM (Read the note above). That changed one day when I was whipping a gal and she started bawling, like not just a few tears but just letting the waterworks flow. I flipped, stopped the scene, and was putting all my toys away when she came over and explained to me that she needed the tears as a release, that she always cried before someone took her through to the other side and she could free fall in sub-space.
Yeah-that lil conversation only changed everything.
But outside of BDSM I have never raised a hand to a woman in any way shape or form. It's just not who I am.


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RE: Broadening Horizons: A question to Sadists. - 9/10/2011 9:44:54 AM   
MissToYouRedux


Posts: 867
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Status: offline 		I classify myself as a "playful sadist". Causing pain, in and of itself, isn't arousing to me, but my inner two year old is endlessly entertained by the *reactions* to pain (along the lines of "Oooh! Look what happens when I do this! Oooh! he did it again!". lol) Because I'm big on objectification, my natural empathy is turned off, and my "Awww, does that hurt?" whispered in his ear is obviously insincere.

I was the overly socialized perfect little girl when I was growing up, though, and enjoying the freedom to do limitless inappropriate things to and with my submissive (which I shamelessly take advantage of ) I'm sure is a reaction to that.

Freud would love me!

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RE: Broadening Horizons: A question to Sadists. - 9/10/2011 10:54:47 AM   
GreedyTop


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RE: Broadening Horizons: A question to Sadists. - 9/10/2011 12:23:42 PM   
ProlificNeeds


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quote:

ORIGINAL: NocturnalStalker

My question to those that are heavily into sadism is how they found out that they had that "mean streak" in them. Was it a process of desensitizing yourself steadily/unknowingly? An event that happened with a partner that really opened their eyes?

I wouldn't consider it a mean streak exactly, I don't do it to be mean, I do it with the aim of finding an intense and emotional connection with my partner, which involves manipulating their negative emotions in a short term manner, at the same time it also lets me control their positive ones, and the 'power' comes in being aware I can give both the good and the bad. Maybe that makes me less than a textbook sadist, I still consider it in the same ballpark though, since I enjoy giving the bad as much as the good.

I don't think it was desensitizing at all, it was a process of becoming progressively more aware, and of appreciating more subtle aspects of the emotional connection between myself and my partner. If anything I had to become far more sensitive to my partner, not less.

While I have your attention, as a sadist, do you find yourself being much more confrontational to other people in general? Maybe you "stir the pot" intentionally?

I hate confrontations, and will avoid them if possible. I don't commit sadism as a practice in life towards others, my intention is never to be destructive socially or physically.

By that same token, is your sadism strictly sexual gratification? What is it about inflicting cruelty on others (be it physical/mental) that appeals most as best you can describe?

I'm not sure I can call it 'sexually' gratifying. Empowering, yes. Pleasurable, yes, but my sadism and domination tend to go hand in hand with deprivation, if I am topping someone with sadism (I am rarely sadistic unless in the top position) there is rarely any sexual gratification involved, it puts me in a different state of mind and being, a sort of mental lust if you will, not physical lust. It gives me a mental and emotional state of reward, 'dom space' if you will, for lack of any better words.

In psychiatry, sadism is defined by causing pain/degradation to others while getting a sexual charge from it. Is this simply just a blurred out version of abuse? Are partners that indulge in your sadistic tendencies more prone to possessing psychological conditions such as the "battered spouse syndrome?"

Is it abuse if it does not negatively effect the persons health or mental state? I don't think it is. Abuse is a destructive influence on someone's life.

People chose what vices they want in their life, and that's the difference, choice.

Abuse to me implies the context of choice being removed, either by force, or by warping of a sound mental judgement. If a person can still make choices to keep themselves healthy and positive in their lifestyle, then I consider them sound in mind.




As for "Did you find your participation and evolution of sadism conflict with your moral compass?"..

Absolutely not. I don't force or control people with sadism, I am not doing anything to them that they were not already seeking. Invariably they want what I'm doing, even if they can't admit it to themselves, that's ultimately the best part, trying to make them admit they want it, and once they do, then you take it away and make them even more miserable all over again!


< Message edited by ProlificNeeds -- 9/10/2011 12:24:54 PM >

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RE: Broadening Horizons: A question to Sadists. - 9/10/2011 9:22:44 PM   
NocturnalStalker


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Status: offline 		Very informative replies so far. 

Are there certain activities that as a sadist, you cannot see yourself doing even if requested?  What are some of the more "basic" and I suppose, "safe" sadistic activities you see yourself doing or are widely practiced?  This can range from physical play to even mental if you wish.

The one last question I have (and if anybody reads this with their own curiosities feel free to chime in) is if you could give a single piece of advice to an aspiring beginner in sadism, what would you say? 


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RE: Broadening Horizons: A question to Sadists. - 9/10/2011 9:47:01 PM   
ProlificNeeds


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quote:

ORIGINAL: NocturnalStalker

Are there certain activities that as a sadist, you cannot see yourself doing even if requested? 

Definitely, it's why I only engage in sadism if I am topping, because I have very firm rules about what I will, or will not inflict on other people. Sort of a personal code. I do not engage in any harmful activity I have not had experience in and have spent time studying. I don't like unnecessary risk, and I take the matter of trust placed in me very seriously. I also have a hard rule against any sort of gun beyond a plastic toy or a water gun for a prop.

What are some of the more "basic" and I suppose, "safe" sadistic activities you see yourself doing or are widely practiced?  This can range from physical play to even mental if you wish.

I don't know what's widely practiced, but my 'staples' are often emotional or mental sadism through degredation or humiliation. I typically pry for personal triggers in someone and start picking at them to put the person on unstable footing emotionally. I especially enjoy partners that have body image issues, and goading them into showing off those parts they hate about themselves, usually with the reward of praise and overt attraction to their displays if they put in enough effort and suffering for me. I suppose that makes me a wimpy sadist? I always want to praise anyone who gives me that lovely tingle when I feel like I've just kicked them in the gut with nothing but words.

The one last question I have (and if anybody reads this with their own curiosities feel free to chime in) is if you could give a single piece of advice to an aspiring beginner in sadism, what would you say? 

Don't forget, you're only a kinky sadist as long as your partner is ultimately 'enjoying' what you're doing. When they clearly aren't enjoying it, any part of it at all (even if just for the power exchange element) then you're just an abusive dick.


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RE: Broadening Horizons: A question to Sadists. - 9/10/2011 10:56:29 PM   
Endivius


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quote:

ORIGINAL: NocturnalStalker

Very informative replies so far. 

Are there certain activities that as a sadist, you cannot see yourself doing even if requested?


Yes.

quote:


  What are some of the more "basic" and I suppose, "safe" sadistic activities you see yourself doing or are widely practiced?  This can range from physical play to even mental if you wish.


Safe is a broad term. It revolves around trust and experience. One person's safe, is another person's hard limit. Spanking, flogging, caning. Those are my "basics". No eye contact, no speaking, no gratification; things of this nature are subtle in practice, but quite powerfull in context.

quote:


The one last question I have (and if anybody reads this with their own curiosities feel free to chime in) is if you could give a single piece of advice to an aspiring beginner in sadism, what would you say? 



Don't do anything to a sub until you have had it done to you first. Quite frankly, you have no idea what you are are doing to a sub, or how effective it can be; unless you have experienced it first hand. Don't do it unless you have taken the time to practice and do it properly, an example from another thread is flogging. If you want reading material just ask. There is no shortage of that available, although references may be widely varied based on opinion.

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RE: Broadening Horizons: A question to Sadists. - 9/10/2011 11:14:02 PM   
RexDarcy


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From: Arizona
Status: offline 		Endivius summed up the advice damn well. If a person doesn't know what they are doing, undesired results can come from it.

A question I would a newb Sadist is, "If you were the sub / slave, how much trust would you have in a D type if they were about to whip you, but had zero experience?"

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RE: Broadening Horizons: A question to Sadists. - 9/11/2011 1:59:55 AM   
LadyPact


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quote:

ORIGINAL: NocturnalStalker

Very informative replies so far. 

Are there certain activities that as a sadist, you cannot see yourself doing even if requested?

Absolutely.  That 'hard limit' thing isn't just for bottoms.

quote:

What are some of the more "basic" and I suppose, "safe" sadistic activities you see yourself doing or are widely practiced?  This can range from physical play to even mental if you wish.

Spanking, flogging, and paddling would probably be My first three thoughts.  A paddle doesn't have to be something that is the equivalent of a baseball bat. 

quote:

The one last question I have (and if anybody reads this with their own curiosities feel free to chime in) is if you could give a single piece of advice to an aspiring beginner in sadism, what would you say? 

If you want to be doing this stuff, My best suggestion to you is to learn how.  I don't care how you go about that but you need to have some idea of what you're doing, some basic anatomy, and familiarize yourself with the tools you'll be doing it with.  That, and always remember........

Practice is for pillows.  Not people.


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RE: Broadening Horizons: A question to Sadists. - 9/11/2011 6:38:09 AM   
Manawyddan


Posts: 701
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From: Petaluma (Northern California)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NocturnalStalker

My question to those that are heavily into sadism is how they found out that they had that "mean streak" in them.  Was it a process of desensitizing yourself steadily/unknowingly?  An event that happened with a partner that really opened their eyes? 


No, I have been like that as far back as I can remember having any sexual thoughts whatsoever.

quote:

While I have your attention, as a sadist, do you find yourself being much more confrontational to other people in general?  Maybe you "stir the pot" intentionally?


I've gone through periods like that, but see it as an adolescent phase I have grown out of. Mellow is good.

quote:

By that same token, is your sadism strictly sexual gratification?  What is it about inflicting cruelty on others (be it physical/mental) that appeals most as best you can describe? 


It makes me feel spiritually vampiric, in a way, bloated with power as i feed on another's sensation. I have looked long on hard for a 'why' of it and it always falls down to, what turns me on is what turns me on.

quote:

In psychiatry, sadism is defined by causing pain/degradation to others while getting a sexual charge from it.  Is this simply just a blurred out version of abuse?  Are partners that indulge in your sadistic tendencies more prone to possessing psychological conditions such as the "battered spouse syndrome?"


I know the difference between someone who is a masochist as a fetish and someone who is a masochist out of self-loathing. The latter tend to be drains of energy and I have no interest in them. If you told any of the strong, feminist women whom I spend my time torturing mercilessly that I was 'an abusive male' they would laugh in your face.

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RE: Broadening Horizons: A question to Sadists. - 9/11/2011 6:42:23 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NocturnalStalker

Very informative replies so far. 

Are there certain activities that as a sadist, you cannot see yourself doing even if requested?  What are some of the more "basic" and I suppose, "safe" sadistic activities you see yourself doing or are widely practiced?  This can range from physical play to even mental if you wish.

The one last question I have (and if anybody reads this with their own curiosities feel free to chime in) is if you could give a single piece of advice to an aspiring beginner in sadism, what would you say? 



There are more things I will not do than I will. Regardless of my age, I am, without a doubt, one of the least experienced individuals on these forums with regard to this. If a masochist is going to get upset with me for play related activities, there is a very VERY good chance it is going to be because I will not do something, or won't go as far as they wish. Especially in the beginning. I am okay with that. I like my pretty toys to stay pretty, and alive. I also have an aversion to all things that create a huge mess, especially a bad smelling one. I won't go there.

The biggest thing for ME, is maintaining the trust. I want her to always, even in the middle of whatever fresh hell I've come up with, at her core know that she is safe and going to come out the other side okay. As inexperienced as I am, I still know that type of relationship doesn't usually happen over night. I approach it as a building process. The better we get to know one another, the more we trust one another, the better our communication..........the edgier we can get. More exploration, more "hey, what do you think about trying xyz...?"

As far as advice.....I think that is three fold.

First, get rid of ego and don't be afraid to admit when you are clueless.

Second, acknowledge that some of the people that can teach you the most, might not be people you like, but if they are the most skilled, set your personal feelings aside and learn from them. Some of 'them' will likely be more experienced bottoms/slaves/submissives/masochists. I've said it many many times but the one poster on these forums that opened my eyes more than anyone else has been Bita.

Third, for me...has always been to follow my own moral/ethical compass. When I ignore that I ALWAYS get my tit in a wringer. Not to mention, I really like to be able to look at myself in the mirror afterwards, without hating the person I see.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Broadening Horizons: A question to Sadists. - 9/11/2011 10:57:41 AM   
SimplyMichael


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quote:

ORIGINAL: NocturnalStalker

Are there certain activities that as a sadist, you cannot see yourself doing even if requested?


Absolutely. For me, if I feel that they will later regret having done X or Y, then I probably won't do it. If I feel they are doing it for the wrong reasons or that doing so will affect our dynamic I probably won't do it. Piercing and branding are hot for me. Getting someone pierced with the jewelry I wanted was hot, but untill I a have been married for years, I wouldn't do a branding because it is permanent whearas a piercing doesn't tend to be


quote:

ORIGINAL: NocturnalStalker

The one last question I have (and if anybody reads this with their own curiosities feel free to chime in) is if you could give a single piece of advice to an aspiring beginner in sadism, what would you say?



Don't play with drama queens, if all of her ex partners, now that they are ex partners are idiots and assholes, why be the next one? What is hot in fantasy isn't always hot in reality. You can always do more, push harder, cut deeper, tomorrow. They want more tonight but will be glad you went slow tomorrow and because you were careful they will want you to go father tomorrow because you just gained another drop of trust.

What works for one person might really not work for another and what might work great when she is in a great mood and horny will not work when she is feeling shitty. Pay attention to everything, her skin, her muscles, her posture, the tone of her voice, how she looks at you, how quickly or slowly she reacts and take all that and more into account when you hurt her. Find out how she sees the pain in her mind, who is hurting her, as in is this punishment for being a bitch in life, daddy didn't give her boundaries, she needs intensity to feel loved, whatever it is that underlies her kink, know it, know her.

Here is a secret of mine, use your voice, when you are hitting her with a "6" in intensity of the paddle, talk about it being an "8". The mind is a powerful tool and use hers to your advantage. Talk about the bruises you are going to leave her with (but won't really or not as bad as reality) or marks, or welts or how much her nipples are going to hurt tomorrow. This does two things for you, you can create a more intense feeling without a corresponding intense pain AND you get to see how she reacts to you upping the intensity. If she goes wild, gasps for breath, squirts...you might want to up the intensity. If she gets tense, her breathing more labored and all of those signs, you might want to dial it back.

When you fuck up, and you will, just as I fuck up and so does everyone else, own it. Don't handwring, don't downplay it, just go oops, laugh and run with it. if she wants to get all upset, bail. If she laughs with you, keep her.

< Message edited by SimplyMichael -- 9/11/2011 11:01:19 AM >

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RE: Broadening Horizons: A question to Sadists. - 9/11/2011 11:43:50 AM   
littlewonder


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quote:

ORIGINAL: RexDarcy

Endivius summed up the advice damn well. If a person doesn't know what they are doing, undesired results can come from it.

A question I would a newb Sadist is, "If you were the sub / slave, how much trust would you have in a D type if they were about to whip you, but had zero experience?"


Lots if I love him. I don't care how much experience he has. Zero matters not at all to me.

Actions can be learned. Love and faith can't.

And for me personally if he's trying to learn something I'd rather be his guinea pig than himself or a pillow. I'm his slave..that's what I'm here for.


< Message edited by littlewonder -- 9/11/2011 11:45:39 AM >

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RE: Broadening Horizons: A question to Sadists. - 9/11/2011 3:45:54 PM   
NocturnalStalker


Posts: 3858
Joined: 12/4/2010
Status: offline 		SimplyMichael, you actually touched on something that could be paramount when seeking a partner.  Have you ever had an experience where you had a relationship with a woman who then turned around and used the consented activities against you to make it seem to her peers that you were abusive?  Given my age, I have had my share of nasty fallouts where everything would be blown out of proportion but it seems that if a break-up were to occur while practicing this it gives even greater ease to "cry abuse." 

Now maturity is indiscriminate towards age but with the common belief that older means more matured would you recommend someone my age to seek out a woman older than himself?  How I'm seeing it, having masochistic tendencies means little if the overall stability of emotions is not yet put into place. 


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RE: Broadening Horizons: A question to Sadists. - 9/11/2011 6:21:14 PM   
Buzzzz


Posts: 839
Joined: 11/28/2010
Status: offline 		Just like SimplyMichael said, I am much more relax in everyday life and not confrontational at all. May be because I am a sadist or maybe because I grew so much thanks to the lifestyle, I do not know. Maybe some of both.

I was "a regular top" then one day, I tied up my gf/sub to the bed and put a blindfold on her and that turned something inside of me. I do not know what it is and how it came , but it came. She noticed ;) I will have to say that I didn't let it go "all out". I kinda channeled it slowly and became more and more sadistic :)

I enjoy to cause pain to a willing subject. It doesn't have to be a huge amount. It all depends of the sub. Basucally, if she "lets herself be puched" by me, that does the trick.

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RE: Broadening Horizons: A question to Sadists. - 9/11/2011 6:26:32 PM   
zephyroftheNorth


Posts: 8159
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From: The Great Frozen North
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quote:

How I'm seeing it, having masochistic tendencies means little if the overall stability of emotions is not yet put into place. 


Sorry to butt in but could you clarify what you mean by the part I'm quoting above before I comment. I want to be sure I understand what you mean first.

_____________________________

And there's a smile when the pain comes
The pain gonna make ev'rything alright ~ Black Crows

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RE: Broadening Horizons: A question to Sadists. - 9/11/2011 6:49:24 PM   
NocturnalStalker


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quote:

ORIGINAL: zephyroftheNorth

quote:

How I'm seeing it, having masochistic tendencies means little if the overall stability of emotions is not yet put into place. 


Sorry to butt in but could you clarify what you mean by the part I'm quoting above before I comment. I want to be sure I understand what you mean first.


What I meant by that was someone could get off in masochistic tones but still act very petty/immature the rest of the time to the point where they can cause trouble to the sadist's general life should things not work out for them both. 


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(in reply to zephyroftheNorth)
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