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RE: Marriage and D/s - 9/22/2011 2:59:22 PM   
MasterSlaveLA


Posts: 3991
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SophiaChan

Hello All!

My Dom of 3.5 yrs and myself are getting married. We would love some advice.... any and all kinds!

The facts are that we are from extremely different cultures, religions, races. He is six years younger and this is my second marriage. We've had lots of uphill battles, but have weathered the storm to arrive at this beautiful place.

As part of the preparation for this upcoming marriage, we wish to incorporate the lifestyle BDSM aspect into our discussions. So, to get to my point,

1. Have you experienced lifestyle BDSM and marriage? What are some difficulties and joys we should expect?

2. Even if you haven't been or aren't married, but just in the lifestyle with the same partner long time, what long term / committed struggles have you undergone that have shaped you?

I know this is a bit general, but 'big' is the perfect place to start. I'll come up with more detailed questions as we float along.

Thanks!



Honestly, I'm somewhat confused by the "we wish to incorporate the lifestyle BDSM aspect into our discussions" part?!!  What I mean is... you've been together over 3 years, and you've not "discussed" this with each other at all?!!  Or by "discussions", do you mean within your marriage ceremony?!!  (scratching head)

For us, (and I don't know if this is what you meant), we'd NEVER include the Power Dynamic (I HATE the whole referring to it as a "Lifestyle" thing) stuff into a marriage ceremony, so that'd never happen.  As to any general advice:

1.  Talk... about EVERYTHING!!!  Will you both work?  Is either still in/going to school?  How is money handled?  What daily expectations do you have of each other?  Who will be responsible for what?  Are children involved... and if so, who's responsible for what, and what are the schools in the area like?  If living apart, will you need a new or bigger place?  What of each of your things... do ya have to buy/dump some stuff?  Health and Auto Insurance?  Are you both debt free, or prepared to accept the other person's debt/credit?  Are you in agreement with regard to having or not having children together -- and what if there's an unplanned pregnancy?  What of religious faths (or lack thereof) and how holidays are celebrated/addressed?  Is there an "ex" in the picture, and how will that work between you two?  As you can see... there's a TON of things that should be addessed prior to even living together, let alone marriage -- irrespective of a BDSM or Vanilla dynamic.

2.  Absolutely live together (under the guise of your dynamic) prior to getting married!!!  The truth is, you can literally be at each others' homes every day, but it's still vastly different from living together.  The reason being, when you live apart, you can always retreat back to your respective places when needed, but when you're living tother, there's no place to hide from the other person -- and more often than not, it's the "bad times" and "difficulties" that better determine compatibility than do the good times.

3.  The "joys" are obvious... the person that makes your heart go "pitter-patter" (and your sexy bits tremble) is always there.  The "struggles" are keeping your commitment to each other (to lead/follow) when it's the LAST thing you WANT to do.  In short, the "stuggles" LIFE will impose on you will color everything -- anyone who thinks the BDSM will somehow shelter them from life's everyday struggles is SADLY MISTAKEN.  Life will kick your ass harder than any whip, crop, or flogger ever will.  Many think the grass is always greener on the other side of the slash/kneel... it's not.  Each comes with it's own challenges... when the shit hits the fan, it not easy to "lead" or to "follow" -- so just remembering to somehow center yourself, and not betray your commitment to the other person (when you least feel like "leading", and can't imagine "submitting" at the moment) will absolutely present a challenge you'll both need to overcome.

4.  Accept and understand NOW that you WILL disagree... you WILL be mad at each other... you WILL have arguments and struggles... you WILL find LIFE, not BDSM, occupies the majority of your time... and you WILL have both good times and bad.  THIS IS A CERTAINTY!!!  Most importantly, you WILL have to work at it every day... but if you do, then you WILL have a wonderful life/marriage together.

Honestly, all of this is LESS about "marriage" and "BDSM", and far more about compatibility, mutual goals, having a common core compass, and meshing each person's respective life/lifestyle with the other person's life/lifestyle. Be it a relationship or a marriage, both are a double-edged sword.  Enjoy the good times, overcome the bad times, talk with each other about EVERYTHING, learn which battles are worth fighting for (and which are not), and always look to the future, not the past or present, for the answer.




ETA:  Just noticed in your profile that you stated you two are in a long distance relationship and that you're still exploring the BDSM world.  Most DEFINITELY live together before taking any steps towards marriage!!!





< Message edited by MasterSlaveLA -- 9/22/2011 3:38:58 PM >

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RE: Marriage and D/s - 9/22/2011 3:24:07 PM   
Amygdalin


Posts: 69
Joined: 6/28/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

My advice is the same advice I give to everyone getting married - do a prenup.


I never did understand that. Kind of like setting yourself up for failure. If your mentality is skewered before you set out to do something, good luck seeing it through to completion.

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Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Marriage and D/s - 9/22/2011 3:43:55 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Amygdalin


quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

My advice is the same advice I give to everyone getting married - do a prenup.


I never did understand that. Kind of like setting yourself up for failure. If your mentality is skewered before you set out to do something, good luck seeing it through to completion.


Maybe you want your kids to get the cash instead of your "current spouse" The reality is half of the marriages fail so why not take out a insurance policy. You have car/ home/ health insurance. So why not marriage insurance??? BTW then your positive there are not in it for the money.

BadOne




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RE: Marriage and D/s - 9/22/2011 4:01:34 PM   
Amygdalin


Posts: 69
Joined: 6/28/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

Maybe you want your kids to get the cash instead of your "current spouse" The reality is half of the marriages fail so why not take out a insurance policy.


This kind of sums up my point right here. Going into something expecting it to fail. If you're getting married to someone the whole time thinking "50% of marriages fail. Better protect myself," then you're behind the 8 ball already.


quote:

BTW then your positive there are not in it for the money.


I can understand that to a certain point, I still don't agree with it. Just seems like something too cold and suspicious when dealing with someone you're going to spend the rest of my life with. If you're having thoughts like that, it's my opinion you haven't spent enough time with the other person. Or enough properly invested time to ease your mind. So, why even consider getting married at that point?

Maybe I just have a higher opinion of what a marriage is than most. Anyway, we probably won't agree, but that's cool.

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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Marriage and D/s - 9/22/2011 5:03:23 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		Congrats!

When he was here this summer, did you guys live together? How'd that go?

Did you take the opportunity to go to any local BDSM events? I see you are in Denver - I'm sure DarkSteven or the other Coloradians will be along to point you in the right direction to meet people who could help you out with your ceremony planning.

Relationships of all stripes take work so a lot of vanilla marriage advice may be useful.

"The Ethical Slut" had a few good chapters on communication and conflict that would be useful for couples as well as poly.

My ex husband and I had personality tests done before we got married, and, among other things, learned that I was more extroverted and that it might be a good idea for me to be the social director. So you may wish to discuss who is better suited for managing the bills, etc.




(in reply to SophiaChan)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Marriage and D/s - 9/22/2011 5:15:24 PM   
Hisprettybaby


Posts: 781
Joined: 4/13/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Amygdalin


quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

My advice is the same advice I give to everyone getting married - do a prenup.


I never did understand that. Kind of like setting yourself up for failure. If your mentality is skewered before you set out to do something, good luck seeing it through to completion.

Yeah, it does sound that way, but I wish I'd done that. I've been married twice...the first time neither of us had anything and he abused me into divorcing him. My second husband fucked someone on the side, told me he wanted a divorce, and he and that little *%($ of his ended up with everything.

Me? I do better at relationships that are withOUT the legal trappings, but...my congrats to you anyway. As far as including the BDSM in the marriage, would that really be any different than including it in an unmarried long-term relationship?

~Hisprettybaby~

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RE: Marriage and D/s - 9/22/2011 5:33:41 PM   
tj444


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Joined: 3/7/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Amygdalin
Maybe I just have a higher opinion of what a marriage is than most.

naw, its just cuz you havent been divorced yet..

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RE: Marriage and D/s - 9/22/2011 5:38:34 PM   
tj444


Posts: 7574
Joined: 3/7/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama
My ex husband and I had personality tests done before we got married, and, among other things, learned that I was more extroverted and that it might be a good idea for me to be the social director.

hmmm, find that interesting.
Knowing what you know now and that he is your ex now, do you think those tests should have been more of a red flag to the two of you? If you could do it again, would you still have married him or what would you have done differently? I know hindsight is 20/20 tho..

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RE: Marriage and D/s - 9/22/2011 5:41:51 PM   
Amygdalin


Posts: 69
Joined: 6/28/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: tj444


quote:

ORIGINAL: Amygdalin
Maybe I just have a higher opinion of what a marriage is than most.

naw, its just cuz you havent been divorced yet..


Ah... Maybe I should have written then that I must have a more positive outlook than most. Gee... and I thought I was a cynic at heart.

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RE: Marriage and D/s - 9/22/2011 5:51:00 PM   
SophiaChan


Posts: 15
Joined: 4/30/2006
Status: offline
Thank you for your thoughts, advice, opinions, and congratulations!

I'll try to address some of the points that had some value for me. First, since I've been married before, I see the sentimental AND the practical value of it. I understand (mostly) the mistakes that I made and will try not to make them again in this marriage or punish this marriage for the previous failings.

There are some very practical sides to marriage and they are a big part of why we are taking this step and not taking it lightly. We lived together in his country for a couple years and he lived with me in my home in Denver this summer. So, yes, living together has its struggles and we have been through them. We cannot live in the same country anymore without marriage, we have burnt the respective ends of those ropes. We also both come from pretty conservative families and to be included in each others' family lives, marriage is necessary. Finally, and most importantly, we see marriage as a kind of sacrament and a strong commitment to each other in front of loved ones and God.

All that said, we have very little, mostly debt actually. But we have big dreams and have certainly discussed many of the vanilla questions about family, jobs, responsibilities, etc. I do always appreciate reading through these kinds of questions though! They are helpful. As for a prenup, we have discussed that and have not come to a conclusion about it. It is sort of my opinion that he will keep what is his and that I will keep what is mine if something should happen. Since we are citizens of different countries and always will be, I'm not sure that any prenup will really help, legally speaking, in the event of some tragedy anyways.

I'm sure that I've forgotten some other point that I wanted to address, but.. this seems like enough for now!

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RE: Marriage and D/s - 9/22/2011 5:57:46 PM   
tj444


Posts: 7574
Joined: 3/7/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Amygdalin


quote:

ORIGINAL: tj444


quote:

ORIGINAL: Amygdalin
Maybe I just have a higher opinion of what a marriage is than most.

naw, its just cuz you havent been divorced yet..


Ah... Maybe I should have written then that I must have a more positive outlook than most. Gee... and I thought I was a cynic at heart.

I have a very positive outlook on being collared and living together (preferably forever), its marriage that i am not too crazy about.

Mostly due to the fact that even if you get a divorce, that may not end the entanglement. There are a lot of legal & financial reprecussions from being married. I know a guy who has been divorced for 5 or 6 years and his ex-wife recently decided to drag him into court again to get more $$$ from him. She does work and has remarried and her & her new hubby bought a fairly expensive house. This guy and his ex have 2 teenagers and they have joint custody. Soooo.. that is what i am opposed to, marriage seems to make things just way too complicated and the vast majority that do end never end well at all... Which means you get stuck in the past a lot and its harder to find a new partner that will put up with that poop reappearing. I know it gives me pause to get involved with someone that has that kinda drama..

< Message edited by tj444 -- 9/22/2011 5:58:58 PM >

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RE: Marriage and D/s - 9/22/2011 6:08:13 PM   
tj444


Posts: 7574
Joined: 3/7/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SophiaChan
I'm sure that I've forgotten some other point that I wanted to address, but.. this seems like enough for now!


ok, I see that one major reason for marriage is the whole immigration thing, you need to be married to become a resident and finally be with each other. I would say you should talk to a good immigration advisor/lawyer about how to proceed with your marriage. As i understand it, if he want to move to the US, then he will be approved to immigrate faster and easier if you marry him outside of the US. I know a couple that got married in the US (that was where they met) and it took a lot longer and more expensive plus he had to leave for a few months until he was finally approved by US immigration.

So that is one aspect i would be very careful about getting the best advice on marriage and immigration for which ever country you will be residing in.

You seem to have given it a lot of thought and that is good, i hope it works out for the two of you..



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RE: Marriage and D/s - 9/22/2011 6:09:12 PM   
Amygdalin


Posts: 69
Joined: 6/28/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tj444
I have a very positive outlook on being collared and living together (preferably forever), its marriage that i am not too crazy about.

Mostly due to the fact that even if you get a divorce, that may not end the entanglement. There are a lot of legal & financial reprecussions from being married. I know a guy who has been divorced for 5 or 6 years and his ex-wife recently decided to drag him into court again to get more $$$ from him. She does work and has remarried and her & her new hubby bought a fairly expensive house. This guy and his ex have 2 teenagers and they have joint custody. Soooo.. that is what i am opposed to, marriage seems to make things just way too complicated and the vast majority that do end never end well at all... Which means you get stuck in the past a lot and its harder to find a new partner that will put up with that poop reappearing. I know it gives me pause to get involved with someone that has that kinda drama..


I understand. I know tons of people like this. I'm in construction and that trade seems to be riddled with people with similar stories. Still, I can not let myself think like that. I think it sucks that things end up that way. That people are used and taken to the cleaners.

But what I believe marriage to be is just too important a thing to give up on. Not necessarily the contract or piece of paper, but what it symbolizes to me and mine. And I won't give up on that because it has failed for others. Maybe I am just too stubborn. Time will tell.

Sorry for having this little debate here Sophia. I am happy for you by the way. Congratulations.

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RE: Marriage and D/s - 9/22/2011 6:29:18 PM   
Pteryx777


Posts: 8
Joined: 9/21/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SophiaChan

Hello All!

My Dom of 3.5 yrs and myself are getting married. We would love some advice.... any and all kinds!

The facts are that we are from extremely different cultures, religions, races. He is six years younger and this is my second marriage. We've had lots of uphill battles, but have weathered the storm to arrive at this beautiful place.

As part of the preparation for this upcoming marriage, we wish to incorporate the lifestyle BDSM aspect into our discussions. So, to get to my point,
1. Have you experienced lifestyle BDSM and marriage? What are some difficulties and joys we should expect?
2. Even if you haven't been or aren't married, but just in the lifestyle with the same partner long time, what long term / committed struggles have you undergone that have shaped you?

I know this is a bit general, but 'big' is the perfect place to start. I'll come up with more detailed questions as we float along.

Thanks!


you have a lot of implied messages in your post: reservations about cultural diffs, fear of change within your D/s relationship, commitment questions and vague "difficulties". don't be glib about marriage. something is different about marriage, otherwise you would not be doing it. the different culture thing may turn into a bigger issue than you think. if you are the american and he the foreigner, then you likely will find him being committed to the endeavor. american cultures tend to be more informal about the institution than most others but many europeans are even more cavalier. there will be more clashes and one or the other will feel insecure if value placed on marriage is not equal. also marriage is not the prize at the end of your "uphill" battle, you don't need it as validation of your struggles thus far. as to D/s, if you are considering kids then take some time to think about how that will be managed within your relationship. if he or you have an undercurrent of traditionalism, you may find that kids will make that more important and upset the kink balance. your relationship and lifestyle may evolve, figure out if you have common ground beyond the kink. bottom line, whatever the lifestyle, take a moment and think about why you want to get married first. if D/s is the priority and not the marriage, then think about what that telling you about your decision to tie the knot. you can stay in a long term committed D/s relationship without marriage but can you stay married if something changes in your D/s relations?

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Marriage and D/s - 9/22/2011 6:38:34 PM   
Pteryx777


Posts: 8
Joined: 9/21/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SophiaChan


Thank you for your thoughts, advice, opinions, and congratulations!

I'll try to address some of the points that had some value for me. First, since I've been married before, I see the sentimental AND the practical value of it. I understand (mostly) the mistakes that I made and will try not to make them again in this marriage or punish this marriage for the previous failings.

There are some very practical sides to marriage and they are a big part of why we are taking this step and not taking it lightly. We lived together in his country for a couple years and he lived with me in my home in Denver this summer. So, yes, living together has its struggles and we have been through them. We cannot live in the same country anymore without marriage, we have burnt the respective ends of those ropes. We also both come from pretty conservative families and to be included in each others' family lives, marriage is necessary. Finally, and most importantly, we see marriage as a kind of sacrament and a strong commitment to each other in front of loved ones and God.

All that said, we have very little, mostly debt actually. But we have big dreams and have certainly discussed many of the vanilla questions about family, jobs, responsibilities, etc. I do always appreciate reading through these kinds of questions though! They are helpful. As for a prenup, we have discussed that and have not come to a conclusion about it. It is sort of my opinion that he will keep what is his and that I will keep what is mine if something should happen. Since we are citizens of different countries and always will be, I'm not sure that any prenup will really help, legally speaking, in the event of some tragedy anyways.

I'm sure that I've forgotten some other point that I wanted to address, but.. this seems like enough for now!



legally speaking, the origins of the people involved in a prenup is irrelevant. the relevant matter in a prenup is jurisdiction. if you stay in the US, then the prenup is enforceable. if you leave the USS AND your immovable and liquid assets are outside US borders, then the prenup becomes pretty much moot. if neither party currently has assets or is likely to have an inheritance, then, in my opinion the prenup does not do much as wealth acquired during a marriage is generally accepted as common property. furthermore, if you become dependent on him later (like if you become a stay at home mom or sub), then a prenup limitting you to the assets you have now actually will damage you financially in the event of a divorce.

lasttly, and this reveals more about me and my cynical nature than anything about you, if he gains citizenship thru his marriage to you and you are already a sub and prone to be "swayed" then... well, tread softly. assets may not be at stake here but hearts are.

(in reply to SophiaChan)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Marriage and D/s - 9/22/2011 7:14:58 PM   
SophiaChan


Posts: 15
Joined: 4/30/2006
Status: offline 		yeah! more points to consider and talk about :)

ok, as for the prenup, thank you for the legal advice and it is just as I suspected. Since neither of us have any assets and we plan to live both in the US and in his country off and on, all that will be decided as we go along. It is good to hear that kind of confirmation. Thank you. As for him becoming a citizen, that will not likely happen as he loves his country. I am also very fond of his country and our goal is to retire there eventually. But, thats a long way off and will depend on many things. I agree that marriage is not the goal of the uphill battle or what I get when I win. Being married before, I really get that.

As for previous marriage drama.. since it has become a side topic... I have my fair share! I won't speak for my Arya but I suspect that he is also weary of what financial damages my past marriage brings to the table. There is nothing much that either of us can do about that though and it has mostly been dealt with. All we can do is move forward and hope for the best.

There are implied concerns about cultural differences. We have spoken about them with my family, who are understandably concerned. I am extremely grateful that he was able to spend the summer with me here in my culture and with my family. That has helped ease a lot of concerns. His family is extremely conservative and I am not their choice wife for their only son. His mother is particularly stubborn on this point and I expect there will be many years of difficulties/drama associated with this fact ahead. Again, not much I can do about that except to face what ever challenges lie in my path. We have not pushed for marriage, despite our many years together due to many of these reasons (family, legality, money, etc.). We have tried to be slow and cautious about this step as we are both intimidated by it. That said, we have known we would marry for a long time and have tried to just be patient with all these circumstances. One of them being the immigration process, which is already in motion and hopefully will be resolved within the month (embassy interview is Oct 20.. prayers welcome!).

I agree that kids and D/s might become difficult and I would love to hear more thoughts about this and general advice. We are not certain that we will have children and we have talked about it at length. Regardless, I would like to hear how children have changed your marriage, specially how they change the power play of a BDSM relationship. Oh, that reminds me... what I meant by 'preparations/discussions' has to do with our commitment to my parent's idea of marriage preparation courses. I underwent these prior to my previous marriage and see the value in them, so we just want to be sure to include our desires for a D/s lifestyle within this context. I wish I could make better sense of that! I guess what I'm sort of after is, for example, questions that you should be asking your D/s partner prior to collaring. Or something like that, because essentially, that is what marriage is for us. So, how would you plan a marriage prep course for those wishing to have a lifetime collaring...Any thoughts?

(in reply to Pteryx777)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Marriage and D/s - 9/22/2011 7:54:02 PM   
Pteryx777


Posts: 8
Joined: 9/21/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SophiaChan

yeah! more points to consider and talk about :)

ok, as for the prenup, thank you for the legal advice and it is just as I suspected. Since neither of us have any assets and we plan to live both in the US and in his country off and on, all that will be decided as we go along. It is good to hear that kind of confirmation. Thank you. As for him becoming a citizen, that will not likely happen as he loves his country. I am also very fond of his country and our goal is to retire there eventually. But, thats a long way off and will depend on many things. I agree that marriage is not the goal of the uphill battle or what I get when I win. Being married before, I really get that.

As for previous marriage drama.. since it has become a side topic... I have my fair share! I won't speak for my Arya but I suspect that he is also weary of what financial damages my past marriage brings to the table. There is nothing much that either of us can do about that though and it has mostly been dealt with. All we can do is move forward and hope for the best.

There are implied concerns about cultural differences. We have spoken about them with my family, who are understandably concerned. I am extremely grateful that he was able to spend the summer with me here in my culture and with my family. That has helped ease a lot of concerns. His family is extremely conservative and I am not their choice wife for their only son. His mother is particularly stubborn on this point and I expect there will be many years of difficulties/drama associated with this fact ahead. Again, not much I can do about that except to face what ever challenges lie in my path. We have not pushed for marriage, despite our many years together due to many of these reasons (family, legality, money, etc.). We have tried to be slow and cautious about this step as we are both intimidated by it. That said, we have known we would marry for a long time and have tried to just be patient with all these circumstances. One of them being the immigration process, which is already in motion and hopefully will be resolved within the month (embassy interview is Oct 20.. prayers welcome!).

I agree that kids and D/s might become difficult and I would love to hear more thoughts about this and general advice. We are not certain that we will have children and we have talked about it at length. Regardless, I would like to hear how children have changed your marriage, specially how they change the power play of a BDSM relationship. Oh, that reminds me... what I meant by 'preparations/discussions' has to do with our commitment to my parent's idea of marriage preparation courses. I underwent these prior to my previous marriage and see the value in them, so we just want to be sure to include our desires for a D/s lifestyle within this context. I wish I could make better sense of that! I guess what I'm sort of after is, for example, questions that you should be asking your D/s partner prior to collaring. Or something like that, because essentially, that is what marriage is for us. So, how would you plan a marriage prep course for those wishing to have a lifetime collaring...Any thoughts?


if he is from a middle eastern country, then be forewarned that you are legally a second class citizens, i.e. if you buy a retirement home there then you may not have legal access to it. problem countries include algeria, tunisia, lybia, yemen, oman, saudi arabia, pakistan,all the african horn countries, etc. the only islamic countries where you have a fighting chance are egypt, jordan, india (not islamic but a big muslim population) and indonesia. but I am not an expert, you should check. Turkey, Russian federation (big muslim pop), albania and bosnia should be okay. to give you an example, I knew a western born muslim who returned to (unnamed) country to teach english and was raped by two students. she needed four muslim men witnesses to convict the assailants, who went scot-free. pre-marital sex and infidelity in many muslim countries still carries the death penalty - SO IF HE HAS A PICTURE OF YOU FUCKING HE CAN USE IT TO TAKE CUSTODY OF YOUR KIDS (only applicable if you travel with the kids to that country). if you land on that country's soil with the kids HE CAN BAR YOU FROM LEAVING THE COUNTRY WITH THE KIDS. If you have boys and give them citizenship of the other country THEN YOUR SONS WILL BECOME CRIMINALS UNDER THEIR LAWS IF THEY DO NOT RETURN TO THE COUNTRY AND SERVE IN THE MILITARY (this is true of most if not all countries that have a draft). in saudi arabia the situation gets even worse.


more later.

(in reply to SophiaChan)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Marriage and D/s - 9/22/2011 7:55:56 PM   
Pteryx777


Posts: 8
Joined: 9/21/2011
Status: offline
quote:

As for him becoming a citizen, that will not likely happen as he loves his country.


this is a common misconception. he can get US citizenship and keep dual citizenship.

(in reply to SophiaChan)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Marriage and D/s - 9/22/2011 8:10:14 PM   
Pteryx777


Posts: 8
Joined: 9/21/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Pteryx777


quote:

ORIGINAL: SophiaChan

yeah! more points to consider and talk about :)


I agree that kids and D/s might become difficult and I would love to hear more thoughts about this and general advice. We are not certain that we will have children and we have talked about it at length. Regardless, I would like to hear how children have changed your marriage, specially how they change the power play of a BDSM relationship. Oh, that reminds me... what I meant by 'preparations/discussions' has to do with our commitment to my parent's idea of marriage preparation courses. I underwent these prior to my previous marriage and see the value in them, so we just want to be sure to include our desires for a D/s lifestyle within this context. I wish I could make better sense of that! I guess what I'm sort of after is, for example, questions that you should be asking your D/s partner prior to collaring. Or something like that, because essentially, that is what marriage is for us. So, how would you plan a marriage prep course for those wishing to have a lifetime collaring...Any thoughts?


I have no advice on kids. allow me to use upper case to make the point: KIDS CHANGE THINGS. mamma bear, when the a baby's head pushes out your vag, you may never think the same again. I don't know what you think or how you feel about kids and I would never tell people how to raise their kids as long as they were not damaging them. but you and your husband will have lots to say. for example, if you have a girl and your husband is indeed muslim and he suddenly finds himself going through a conservative phase (as parents often do) he may (i) not want his daughter to see sexual "perversions" in the home and your D/s morphs radically; or (ii) he may not appreciate his daughter being raised in a "pornographic" culture (as many foreigners see america) and impose a head scarf on her AND THEN YOU FREAK OUT as many westerners see the subjugation of women to asexualizing dress as detrimental and damaging to women; or (iii) you freak out because you are a mormon and suddenly become convinced that her prayers to allah will exclude your daughter from being with you in the afterlife (that's what mormons believe). don't dismiss religion. I've seen many an agnostic suddenly worry about their kids' soul. OR, and I have seen this more than once, HE BRINGS HIS AGED PARENTS TO AMERICA TO LIVE WITH YOU AND THEN THE GRANDPARENTS MAKE YOUR LIFE HELL, DESTROY YOUR SEX LIFE AND MAKE YOUR KIDS MORE OF HIS CULTURE OR RELIGION THAN YOUR HUSBAND EVER WOULD HAVE. in other words, your hubby may never do these things BUT HIS FAMILY MAY and you have already said that his family exerts waaaayyyy to much influence on him and they intimidate you. good luck living with your in-laws and good luck getting him to stand up to them when they intefere in your life, your sex life, your kids' lives, your kids clothing, your kids' religion and your kids' schooling.



if he is from a middle eastern country, then be forewarned that you are legally a second class citizens, i.e. if you buy a retirement home there then you may not have legal access to it. problem countries include algeria, tunisia, lybia, yemen, oman, saudi arabia, pakistan,all the african horn countries, etc. the only islamic countries where you have a fighting chance are egypt, jordan, india (not islamic but a big muslim population) and indonesia. but I am not an expert, you should check. Turkey, Russian federation (big muslim pop), albania and bosnia should be okay. to give you an example, I knew a western born muslim who returned to (unnamed) country to teach english and was raped by two students. she needed four muslim men witnesses to convict the assailants, who went scot-free. pre-marital sex and infidelity in many muslim countries still carries the death penalty - SO IF HE HAS A PICTURE OF YOU FUCKING HE CAN USE IT TO TAKE CUSTODY OF YOUR KIDS (only applicable if you travel with the kids to that country). if you land on that country's soil with the kids HE CAN BAR YOU FROM LEAVING THE COUNTRY WITH THE KIDS. If you have boys and give them citizenship of the other country THEN YOUR SONS WILL BECOME CRIMINALS UNDER THEIR LAWS IF THEY DO NOT RETURN TO THE COUNTRY AND SERVE IN THE MILITARY (this is true of most if not all countries that have a draft). in saudi arabia the situation gets even worse.


more later.

quote:

I agree that kids and D/s might become difficult and I would love to hear more thoughts about this and general advice.

(in reply to Pteryx777)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Marriage and D/s - 9/22/2011 8:14:58 PM   
Pteryx777


Posts: 8
Joined: 9/21/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SophiaChan

So, how would you plan a marriage prep course for those wishing to have a lifetime collaring...Any thoughts?


honey, again I have no advice because you have hit upon the only solution: think about it and talk about it up front. there are no fucking rules, we are all just making it up as we go along. something will work now but not work later. all you can do is have great honest discussions about it and try to come to the understanding that life is life and shit is going to happen regardless. so there is my advice: talk, talk, talk and when shit happens and you need to talk again then commit now that you will talk, talk, talk.

just remember how lopsided this may become over time and how things that are not big deals now become bigger issues later and how some things are going to hit you from the outside in.

(in reply to SophiaChan)
Profile   Post #: 40
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