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Heart VS Head-How far would you go? - 9/26/2011 4:49:12 AM   
tolovetolaugh


Posts: 648
Joined: 4/30/2008
Status: offline 		When your head and heart go into conflict, which do you follow?
How far would you travel for love?
To what degree would that love have to be to be worth a certain amount of distance?

I cannot do long distance. I have tried it when I was younger, and while I had tons of fun... a lot of times things would sputter quickly due to the inability to see the person enough. The more I cared about someone, the quicker I would go nuts and have to end things so I could stop being miserable.

I cannot really move right now, because I am trying to get back on the school track that a long ago relationship got me off when I ran off to Aussie land instead of finishing a semester.
So my head and every bit of logic I have says no long distance.

But now I have met someone. He is the single most amazing man I have ever met. He lives 5 hours away.
Hope you don't mind the long background, but I feel it is necessary to get this across as I really am looking for advice and feel you have to understand the problem to comment on it.

I had reconstructive surgery two months ago and have been unable to walk since then. Due to a bad breakup where the guy stole from me while in said wheelchair, I now don't go to my normal social outlets because my method for dealing with drama is avoiding it, and I had been with the guy to get him involved in all of them.

This leads me to wonder if I am experiencing a rebound, or something similar due to the lack of a social outlet at the moment. But it truly does not feel like it.

Normally I go out of my way to not let my emotions get tangled into someone who lives far away, but we started out as aquaintances, then paintball buddies... and a few weeks ago when we got back into contact after a few months of none... really close friends.
As soon as he found out I was in a wheel chair, he pretty much made it his personal goal to keep me laughing all the way to recovery. We found we have the same sense of humor, the same give and take in arguements, the same political views(on every god damn thing). He seems to be able to sense when my cabin fever is at its worst, and know exactly what to do to get me out of it.
We are alike in every way that involves thinking. We have spent hours trying to find some diference in politics, religion, lifestyle choices. We thought we had found one in declawing cats we could disagree on... but it was a false alarm after talking it through, and bringing up the alternatives... and he bloody changed his mind based on new information!
(insert swooning here)

What started out as friends culminated when I went up to hang out with him before a big paintball game to get myself out of Delaware for a bit. He was the perfect gentleman in every way... he even insisted on paying most of the food bills at restaurants since I am a cripple right now. Long story short(just noticed how long this is getting), things went romantic quickly. No sex, but there was amazing cuddling, and massage trading.
We found we matched so perfectly we had to test it and see if there was a way we didn't fit comfortably and perfect together. No matter how silly, we could not find one.

The whole time we have both been speaking about how we can only be friends due to the distance. And how miserable that is. He alternates by pointing out he has a great home in a great area where my rent would be cheap... then in the sadder moments talks about how he wont tempt me because I DO need to finish school.

I really did not see this coming and had no time to build up a wall... and now I am miserable.
I could not sleep last night(That is also partly DD's fault... your warning about that quiz needed to be in BOLD RED LETTERS)

It is impossible but I truly feel I have found my other half. I don't even believe in other halves.
I truly cannot imagine losing him now, but the intense feelings means it will just be that much more painful to even attempt long distance. He feels the same way, though the bastard seems more concerned about my feelings than his.
We have agreed we just have to stay friends... but we talk massive amounts every day. I wake up every morning to a private joke between us, and go to bed every night after a really long phone call.

Please! Any advice would be amazing, I like being a cheerful person, not this emo Shakespearean tragedy.

Heart or Head?


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That which yields, is not always weak. —
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I wrote a porn!
http://www.collarchat.com/m_3840531
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RE: Heart VS Head-How far would you go? - 9/26/2011 4:56:54 AM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		well how much more school do you have left? is it possible that you could just remain in contact until you graduate?
long distance is really hard (i have an ex in england =p).

is there some point in the middle where you could meet on a weekend? 5 hours is a long way, but 2.5 isn't quite so bad. as the old saying goes, anything worth having is worth fighting for.


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RE: Heart VS Head-How far would you go? - 9/26/2011 5:04:18 AM   
Buzzzz


Posts: 839
Joined: 11/28/2010
Status: offline 		at the stage you are at right now, I will say head. when the person you are is stable in all main aspects of life, thrn I wouls suggest heart. Just like they say in the airplanes, but the oxygen mask on you before you put it on your baby.

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RE: Heart VS Head-How far would you go? - 9/26/2011 5:06:42 AM   
tolovetolaugh


Posts: 648
Joined: 4/30/2008
Status: offline 		2-3 years, depending on how many courses I can shove in between work without losing my grades. He doesn't date, as he believes it is unfair to get emotionally conected with someone when most of your hobbies can get you killed(I share everyone of those hobbies, or the desire to try them so we have arguments on who would get to go first><).
So he keeps stating he will still be free then.
We have spoken about meeting in the middle. No matter how it works out, I have finally found a friend I can do all the crazy extreme sports I want with, and I refuse to lose that, and we are already talking ideas for spring and summer. However 2-3 hours is still too long distance for me.


_____________________________


That which yields, is not always weak. —
Jacqueline Carey (Kushiel's Dart)

I wrote a porn!
http://www.collarchat.com/m_3840531

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RE: Heart VS Head-How far would you go? - 9/26/2011 5:13:16 AM   
tolovetolaugh


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Joined: 4/30/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Buzzzz

at the stage you are at right now, I will say head. when the person you are is stable in all main aspects of life, thrn I wouls suggest heart. Just like they say in the airplanes, but the oxygen mask on you before you put it on your baby.


I used to always put the mask on the baby first, and you are right it never ends well once I get bored and leave. I have no regrets on my past adventures though. However in the last few years I have made the decision to not run off again until I finish school this time.

This is not the first test against that resolution, but it is the first time I can feel it giving and seriously considering if there is a way to work around it... until my Head jumps in with a, "I thought we already discussed this... Bad Heart! Bad!"


_____________________________


That which yields, is not always weak. —
Jacqueline Carey (Kushiel's Dart)

I wrote a porn!
http://www.collarchat.com/m_3840531

(in reply to Buzzzz)
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RE: Heart VS Head-How far would you go? - 9/26/2011 5:22:20 AM   
DeviantlyD


Posts: 4375
Joined: 5/26/2007
From: Hawai`i
Status: offline 		While what Buzzzz said makes sense, and there is definitely some truth there, the bottom line is that a relationship, like the one you've described, doesn't come along every day. As LillyBoPeep asked, how much school do you have left? Is it possible to finish school where he is? Have you talked to him about this, the wanting to see where things go with him, yet needing to follow through with your goals? If he's on the same level you're on, I'm sure he would want to explore possibilities that work for both of you. Maybe that should be your next step - talking to him about how you're feeling.

As for the game? Hey, I warned ya! The big red letters wouldn't have helped. *grin*

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RE: Heart VS Head-How far would you go? - 9/26/2011 5:45:26 AM   
tolovetolaugh


Posts: 648
Joined: 4/30/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DeviantlyD

While what Buzzzz said makes sense, and there is definitely some truth there, the bottom line is that a relationship, like the one you've described, doesn't come along every day. As LillyBoPeep asked, how much school do you have left? Is it possible to finish school where he is? Have you talked to him about this, the wanting to see where things go with him, yet needing to follow through with your goals? If he's on the same level you're on, I'm sure he would want to explore possibilities that work for both of you. Maybe that should be your next step - talking to him about how you're feeling.

As for the game? Hey, I warned ya! The big red letters wouldn't have helped. *grin*


Thats what scares me. I never believed someone like him existed that would not have been snatched up long ago. He is like me in every way. Goals, ambition, desire to find the highest mountains and jump off them.
He is running with the bulls next summer, and if I can save up on time, I have every intention of running them with him.
Anyone else would just think I am crazy.
Just one example of many is we were looking at a gorgeous picture of the fjords in Norway, and we overlapped the excited words kayaking.
He, like me, is not afraid to get really excited about the things he loves.

I have standards, but I always have to compromise on so many things.
Knowing that someone as filled with contradictions as me is out there, settling for something less seems almost blasphemous. And I really don't know if there can possibly be two of them.

Good god I sound mushy as hell.

I do talk to him. Constantly. It is the only sad point in otherwise long happy conversations... when you get so happy, and how much you are enjoying... and then we both go sad thinking how impossible it is.
I swear, if one more conversation gets hijacked by how much we miss each other, or will be missing each other, I am going to have to stab myself to see if rainbows and kittens pop out.

I considered the school option. However, even as friends we are still fairly new, and it would take atleast a year to even set that up. I am about to be tied into a lease for the next year.

You weren't lying about that game... but it did require lots of thinking, and now you see why I needed that!


_____________________________


That which yields, is not always weak. —
Jacqueline Carey (Kushiel's Dart)

I wrote a porn!
http://www.collarchat.com/m_3840531

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RE: Heart VS Head-How far would you go? - 9/26/2011 6:08:03 AM   
AdorkableAiley


Posts: 920
Joined: 9/12/2011
Status: offline 		Head, always always head the heart is a stupid stupid muscle and you cannot rely on it for good decision making.

However, in your case there may be a few alternatives as I think your head is agreeing some what with your heart, which is a good thing. I too have recently found someone I click just so well with but is 4 hours away. We are working things out, in fact I get to see him this weekend!

I think for you, you have options, I am sure there is a school near him you could go to if you chose, if not, a couple of years may seem like forever but with weekend visits and nightly phone calls it can be done. It is all up to what you are willing to sacrafise.

Ailey

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RE: Heart VS Head-How far would you go? - 9/26/2011 6:32:19 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		Follow your heart.
Nothing worse than living the rest of your life wondering if you may have passed up the most wonderful thing.

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RE: Heart VS Head-How far would you go? - 9/26/2011 6:34:39 AM   
MissImmortalPain


Posts: 2440
Joined: 4/1/2011
Status: offline 		The great thing about the difference between how the head works and how the heart works is that most people understand that your head will tell you what is best for you while your heart will only tell you what it thinks feels good. Your head screams...do the right thing. Take the steps to better your life. While your heart screams....but we want to be loved. We have never felt like this before. If you can get your heart and your head together in most cases they will tell you the same thing. Love only works on an even level. It takes two people. Both willing to work for what is best for both people. If you fall for someone that won't let you do what you both know is best for you than the sad facts are that more than likely only one of you is actually in love. And that person is more than likely only in love with themself. You said you don't normally let things get "tangled" and that he knows you need to finish school. That seems very much like your answer. I'm sure if Lance were here he would tell you that advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer...and he woud be right. Best of luck working out what it best for you.

< Message edited by MissImmortalPain -- 9/26/2011 6:35:36 AM >

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It is always by way of pain that we arrive at pleasure.

We must all go through a right of passage,and it must be physical, it must be painful,and it must leave a mark.

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RE: Heart VS Head-How far would you go? - 9/26/2011 6:38:00 AM   
AdorkableAiley


Posts: 920
Joined: 9/12/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

Follow your heart.
Nothing worse than living the rest of your life wondering if you may have passed up the most wonderful thing.


Way to contradict me Aileen


Ailey

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RE: Heart VS Head-How far would you go? - 9/26/2011 6:41:32 AM   
tolovetolaugh


Posts: 648
Joined: 4/30/2008
Status: offline 		I do love that saying of Lance's, and really appreciate all the replies so far. I also believe advice is what you ask for when you need to sort it out in your own head, and laying it out for others in an organized way is a great way to step back and see the whole picture. As well as getting other views on it, since when you are infatuated, you don't always think clearly and can make bad decisions.
Atleast that's the way I am.

ETA
I am also curious how much of the attraction is due to the actual denial of it all. Do I just want this so much because I feel I cannot have it? So if I did find a way to have it, would a large part of the attraction disappear?
I don't really believe this to be the case, however, I have seen it happen to enough people to be wary.
Is there any test for that save time?


< Message edited by tolovetolaugh -- 9/26/2011 6:46:47 AM >

_____________________________


That which yields, is not always weak. —
Jacqueline Carey (Kushiel's Dart)

I wrote a porn!
http://www.collarchat.com/m_3840531

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RE: Heart VS Head-How far would you go? - 9/26/2011 6:42:20 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		For me, 5 hours is not a big deal but the cost of fuel...eep.

My heart invariably leads me to stupidity and misery.

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RE: Heart VS Head-How far would you go? - 9/26/2011 7:11:33 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		We were ldr for about four years. Between a three to a five hour drive depending on how bad getting on and off Long Island was. We're still together.

However it was too far for every weekend. We aimed for every three weeks but it was probably closer to every six on the average. And one winter we didn't get to see each other at all as it snowed every damn time we planned to meet.

However, can you transfer schools to be closer to him? Or is there not a college with the program you want near him?

My advice would be to remain friends for now, and as long as it keeps going on well, there is no reason to end it. Just because you had one long distance romance that didn't work doesn't mean this one won't. Did the other fail because you didn't have enough contact? Then set up rules to make sure you do have enough now.


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RE: Heart VS Head-How far would you go? - 9/26/2011 7:24:00 AM   
Wolf2Bear


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Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tolovetolaugh

"...When your head and heart go into conflict, which do you follow?
How far would you travel for love?
To what degree would that love have to be to be worth a certain amount of distance?"



Follow your heart and listen to your head. Yes, often our heart conflicts with our minds yet it is possible to find a happy medium between the two and it's an issue of both people willing to find that common ground. If I honestly felt the love is worth it, I'd do what ever I felt was necessary to have that person in  my life.


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~Resident Sadist Approved~

Take the pain
Take the pleasure
I'm the master of both
Close your eyes, not your mind
Let me into your soul
I'm gonna work it 'til your totally blown

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RE: Heart VS Head-How far would you go? - 9/26/2011 7:38:10 AM   
Iamsemisweet


Posts: 3651
Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
Status: offline 		I have had a couple of long distance relationships in my life, and they both ended badly. So I have a prejudice against LDR. I am also a big believer in education.
Having said that though, you obviously see him as someone you could spend your life with. Is he stable in his life right now? Does he also see you as someone he wants to spend his life with? Will you realistically be satisfied being apart and will you be able to make it work? Obviously you don't find someone who is this perfect for you on every corner.
What are your reasons for wanting to finish school? Is it just to get a degree (which can be pretty meaningless' these days)? Will your degree actually improve your life, such as by making you more employable? Are you sure? Or is it just something you feel you should do because of family expectations, etc?
In short, I think you should use your head. However, what it ends up telling you might be different than what you think. As for the running with the bulls thing, I think you should use your head on that too. Lol.


_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

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RE: Heart VS Head-How far would you go? - 9/26/2011 7:40:01 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I always follow my head. My heart is too fickle.

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Heart VS Head-How far would you go? - 9/26/2011 8:04:07 AM   
tolovetolaugh


Posts: 648
Joined: 4/30/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

Having said that though, you obviously see him as someone you could spend your life with. Is he stable in his life right now?

Yes. He is where I aspire to get to in a few years.

quote:


Does he also see you as someone he wants to spend his life with?

No idea. We honestly haven't known each other long enough for that. At this point it is less about lifetime comitment, and more about just having fun.
quote:


Will you realistically be satisfied being apart and will you be able to make it work?

No. I have to be able to touch, to be held on a very regular basis. When he makes rape jokes I want to see that eyebrow wiggle and creepy funny wink. Out of respect for me because I asked him to at paintball, he kept from touching me past what is normal for friends there. I had to settle for just getting my hands on him when I did my normal drunken massages. The whole time I had to fight myself to not touch.

quote:


Obviously you don't find someone who is this perfect for you on every corner.
What are your reasons for wanting to finish school? Is it just to get a degree (which can be pretty meaningless' these days)? Will your degree actually improve your life, such as by making you more employable? Are you sure? Or is it just something you feel you should do because of family expectations, etc?

I have no desire to be a server the rest of my life. Also, with the things I want to do and hobbies I enjoy, I will need to make more money. My other reason is I love animals, and want to work with them. Yes, my degree will make me more employable. I fully believe it will improve my life, and I am excited to get to the classes that deal with the actual animals.

quote:


In short, I think you should use your head. However, what it ends up telling you might be different than what you think. As for the running with the bulls thing, I think you should use your head on that too. Lol.


But...but... they are big and can kill me! I want to hug them all!


_____________________________


That which yields, is not always weak. —
Jacqueline Carey (Kushiel's Dart)

I wrote a porn!
http://www.collarchat.com/m_3840531

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RE: Heart VS Head-How far would you go? - 9/26/2011 8:27:45 AM   
Epytropos


Posts: 699
Joined: 7/23/2011
Status: offline 		I won't say which you should choose because without knowing either of you or seeing you together I can't really say, but I will give you a metric:

Ask yourself this. Ten years from now, looking back, will you more regret blowing off school and going on a romantic adventure (regardless of how it turns out) or will you more regret playing it safe and possibly losing out on something special? Personally I don't regret any of the stupid chances I've taken, even the ones that ended up with me stranded overseas with no cash to get home; the only things I regret are chances I decided not to take. That's just kind of the person I am, though, not any sort of objective assessment. You have to ask yourself which one will get to you more.

On a related note, could you not just transfer to a different university nearer him at semester? All your courses might not transfer, but I'm betting a good portion will if you're not in a hyper-specialized program.


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I speak only of My Way. Think it not an indictment of Your Way.

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RE: Heart VS Head-How far would you go? - 9/26/2011 8:34:46 AM   
needsaroom


Posts: 15
Joined: 9/22/2011
Status: offline 		If I notice conflicting thoughts I resolve them before making a decision. It's like socks first then shoes.

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