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Louder voice, short fuse - 9/28/2011 10:47:37 PM   
cinderella221972


Posts: 17
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline 		i am wondering how many of you dominants out there tend to use louder voices and have relatively short fuses when frustrated?

i am a sub/slave (always depending on individual definitions) and have served One for the past many years who has always used a louder voice than the first i served and seems much quicker to reach the end of His fuse.  Being one who has always tended to consider all problems my fault (in all aspects of life), i find it difficult to figure out how to communicate everything to Him as i was taught by my late Master and as Master says He expects when things on my mind might upset Him. 

i realize i am conditioned to the softer voices since my dad was also soft spoken and to extreme patience from both Dad and previous Master, so i am trying to adjust to the difference. i know that part of it is a result of gradual hearing loss as we both age.  i just don't know how to keep from feeling the "fright, flight" reaction that seems to have me sharing less and less thus feeling more and more misunderstood.  Since He can't read my mind, it is expected He can't know what is going on in my head when i stop sharing, of course.

Sighs.  Suggestions respectfully appreciated.
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RE: Louder voice, short fuse - 9/28/2011 11:05:58 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		In the 6 years I have known Master I  have only heard him raise his voice and lose his temper once.

I don't think I would ever be with any other kind of man. I like that he's level headed.

Imo you're afraid of him and he's probably reached a place of a short fuse because you refuse to communicate with him. He's at the end of his rope.

The only way you're gonna fix this is for you both to talk to each other like calm, rational adults.

If you both can't do that then your relationship will be short lived.



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RE: Louder voice, short fuse - 9/28/2011 11:16:19 PM   
MissImmortalPain


Posts: 2440
Joined: 4/1/2011
Status: offline 		There are all kinds of people in the world. Some are loud, some aren't. Some yell, some don't. What I see in your msg that matters is that you say you find it harder and harder to communicate with him. I would suggest trying very hard one more time to explain to him how things are for you. If he does not understand, or refuses to understand, than I would suggest ending the realationship. One should never stay in a realationship where they can not communicate their needs. A balance of needs is required for a realaitonship to last.

< Message edited by MissImmortalPain -- 9/28/2011 11:18:55 PM >

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RE: Louder voice, short fuse - 9/28/2011 11:24:58 PM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		I was about to start a relationship with a guy who I thought was calm, stable and considered. We went out for a drink, discussed things (like work/family commitments) and that was that.

Next day he texted to tell me to get over to his house (late sunday afternoon). I texted back to explain that we'd already agreed that sunday afternoon/evening was not possible for me as I was doing essential prep for work the next day. He rang up and started yelling at me. I didn't say a word. I just ended the call, and switched the phone off.

Now I'm with a guy who will talk about things. He's never raised his voice, even when angry/frustrated.

I prefer the new guy - I feel a lot safer with him. In my opinion/experience, shouty guys appear to have poor impulse control and lack maturity. YMMV

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RE: Louder voice, short fuse - 9/29/2011 1:07:59 AM   
MasterSlaveLA


Posts: 3991
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cinderella221972

i am wondering how many of you dominants out there tend to use louder voices and have relatively short fuses when frustrated?

i am a sub/slave (always depending on individual definitions) and have served One for the past many years who has always used a louder voice than the first i served and seems much quicker to reach the end of His fuse.  Being one who has always tended to consider all problems my fault (in all aspects of life), i find it difficult to figure out how to communicate everything to Him as i was taught by my late Master and as Master says He expects when things on my mind might upset Him. 

i realize i am conditioned to the softer voices since my dad was also soft spoken and to extreme patience from both Dad and previous Master, so i am trying to adjust to the difference. i know that part of it is a result of gradual hearing loss as we both age.  i just don't know how to keep from feeling the "fright, flight" reaction that seems to have me sharing less and less thus feeling more and more misunderstood.  Since He can't read my mind, it is expected He can't know what is going on in my head when i stop sharing, of course.

Sighs.  Suggestions respectfully appreciated.



Sorry, but given the highlighted parts above, your Master appears quite the ASS to me.  While he's not a mind reader, neither are you -- and in my view, when a couple can't talk about anything and everything -- no matter how big or small -- then you have nothing!!!  Mind you, I'm certainly not advocating being a nag of sorts, but given he's been afforded the responsibility to LEAD, then doing so means it's HIS RESPONSIBILITY to either (i) listen, or (ii) specify a time when he's prepared to listen.  Anything short of this will ultimately only result in resentment... on both sides.

Good Luck.



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RE: Louder voice, short fuse - 9/29/2011 1:30:49 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		From my perspective some people have shorter tempers and less self-control.

I know it's a bit of fortune cookie wisdom but, you can't be in control if you can't control yourself.

If you're getting a "fright/flight" reaction, then there's clearly something that has to be addressed.

Are there other reasons (stress, anxiety) that might be contributing to the shortness of the fuse, for example?

Sure, some adjustment of expectations may be needed on your part, but it might be better if you discussed a way that both of you might make small adjustments, rather than taking on all of the responsibility for change yourself?





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RE: Louder voice, short fuse - 9/29/2011 6:22:27 AM   
HoustonMaster47


Posts: 20
Joined: 9/27/2011
Status: offline 		It could be some sort of lack of understanding and communication as you seem to believe, or it could be just his nature and it won't change, no matter what you do. Does he seem to get upset over the same thing over and over? If so, that is the issue that needs to be worked out. If it's just his nature then I wouldn't expect it to change if he's already matured. A good heart to heart talk, is probably in order. Pick a time when he is in a good mood and you are relaxing together. Just ask him about it in a non-confrontational manor, like, is there something i can do to make you happier. You have to decide if there is something you can do to make things better, or if there is something he wants that you aren't providing and you can fix. I mean, if there is absolutely nothing you can do, then you have to decide if this makes the both of you so unhappy that you should move on.

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RE: Louder voice, short fuse - 9/29/2011 6:37:43 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

Being one who has always tended to consider all problems my fault (in all aspects of life), 


You might want to get some help for your codependency issues

quote:

i find it difficult to figure out how to communicate everything to Him as i was taught by my late Master and as Master says He expects when things on my mind might upset Him.


"The Ethical Slut" has lots of communication tips in the Embracing Conflict chapter. Seems like they are using conscious communication techniques.

If I have trepidation about how something will go over, I will preface it by "May I make a request?" or "May I bring something to your attention?"

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RE: Louder voice, short fuse - 9/29/2011 7:18:44 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		My ex owner was as you describe - short fuse and raised voice.  Even after I learned to communicate calmly, clearly, and thoroughly. I never adjusted to it. In fact, it felt assaulting to my spirit, and would shut me down.  In retrospect, I can clearly see not only the incompatibility between us (NOT my fault), but that he is the one who lacked the control and ability to communicate in a healthy way.  He did not create an environment in which I could allow my organic, healthy self to thrive and be happy.  His exercised and enforced his control over me by shutting me down, rather than by encouraging my natural submission to emerge and develop to what it should have been.

I don't see you as the problem here, cinderella.  I encourage you to try to step outside and look at the bigger picture.


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RE: Louder voice, short fuse - 9/29/2011 7:42:13 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		He doesn't have a short fuse but he does have the louder voice. Much of it comes from hearing problems. What I find helpful is to ask him to please don't yell at me. And if he's upset about something else, I will ask him not to take out his frustration about work on me. Mainly he doesn't realize he's doing it and when brought to his attention, he stops.

Beyond that, if you need to talk and you're afraid he'll start yelling, then sit on his lap and hug each other. Nobody yells during a hug.

If you think he's experienced some hearing loss, then get him to go see an ENT and have it professionally dealt with.


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RE: Louder voice, short fuse - 9/29/2011 7:53:32 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		Kana's thoughts.
Anger comes from hurt or fear-it's a secondary emotion.
Which means that if one is angry all the time, they are either hurt (and haven't dealt with it) or scared-neither of which I would consider "domly" qualities.
In addition, color me standing in the "Before one masters another they must first master themselves" corner. 
Anger is reactionary, not proactive. It says little about the person it is directed at, but shouts volumes about the one who is pissed. It's just MHO and all, but I think people who regularly lose their temper are childish, emotionally immature, undisciplined, petulant, selfish, self centered, counterproductive and certainly not worthy of an ounce of respect.
Anger tears down, it doesn't build. And it certainly has nothing to do with strength, except to proclaim to the world that the angry one doesn't have any.




< Message edited by Kana -- 9/29/2011 7:55:15 AM >

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RE: Louder voice, short fuse - 9/29/2011 8:49:07 AM   
HeatherMcLeather


Posts: 2559
Joined: 5/21/2011
From: The dog house
Status: offline
quote:

Suggestions respectfully appreciated.
If you feel afraid to talk to him, you might consider writing him. Write down what you want to say, do it very carefully to make sure that it says exactly what you mean it to and then give it to him to read while you are there so he can ask you to clarify anything.

This is something I have done with various people because of my speech impediment, the general idea might be adaptable to your situation.

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RE: Louder voice, short fuse - 9/29/2011 8:55:38 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Some people speak loudly because of hearing loss. Some are just loud.

In my heaven, there are no raised voices.

My first instinct is to tell you to form an exit strategy, because anger management issues can turn dangerous quickly. Really, that is my second instinct, too. You shouldnt be *afraid* to speak to your master. You shouldnt be afraid of him period (except for that exciting bit, you know what I mean).

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RE: Louder voice, short fuse - 9/29/2011 9:01:28 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Yes I agree some people are just loud.
I could not tolerate that. For me loud is angry, excitable, pent up, short-fused, even when I know they are just loud people who might have hearing issues. In my mind I cannot separate the two things, so I don't choose those people for intimate relationships. We would be incompatible.

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pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
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RE: Louder voice, short fuse - 9/29/2011 9:07:08 AM   
HoustonMaster47


Posts: 20
Joined: 9/27/2011
Status: offline 		Lol, some fiesty females on this board. That's ok, fiesty can be good too!

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RE: Louder voice, short fuse - 9/29/2011 9:24:02 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HoustonMaster47

Lol, some fiesty females on this board. That's ok, fiesty can be good too!



What is the opposite of feisty, SILENT? And as a dominant, I can be as feisty as I choose, thanks.

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RE: Louder voice, short fuse - 9/29/2011 9:36:13 AM   
avena


Posts: 80
Joined: 12/4/2010
Status: offline 		D doesn't yell. He's raised his voice to me exactly once in the last year, and I was being stubborn and petulant about permforming a basic task, so I definitely deserved it. I'm with everyone else who has already posted who says that if he can't control himself then he shouldn't be in control of someone else.

That being said, I've known quite a few people who honestly don't realize that they're raising their voice when they're upset or frustrated. Until it's brought to their attention, they just keep getting louder and louder. It's not that they really want to yell at whomever they're talking to...they might not even be frustrated or angry at the person they're talking to... I've also known a few people who figured if they could out shout the other person, that meant they won the argument.

I'm wondering if he's always been like this, or if this is a relatively new development? If it's new, then there's something else going on that a good heart to heart discussion might help get to the bottom of. If he's always been like this, then he'll probably always be like this, and it's up to you to make the decision of whether or not you want to put up with it for the long term.

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RE: Louder voice, short fuse - 9/29/2011 1:23:33 PM   
Iamsemisweet


Posts: 3651
Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
Status: offline 		My mother was a screamer and yeller, so I had to put up with that shit when I was a kid.  As an adult, I can't and won't tolerate it. 

You are an adult, OP.  Why would someone who is supposed to care about you raise their voice to you, let alone lose their temper.


< Message edited by Iamsemisweet -- 9/29/2011 1:24:58 PM >

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Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

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RE: Louder voice, short fuse - 9/29/2011 1:33:58 PM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus


quote:

ORIGINAL: HoustonMaster47

Lol, some fiesty females on this board. That's ok, fiesty can be good too!



What is the opposite of feisty, SILENT? And as a dominant, I can be as feisty as I choose, thanks.


Even subs and slaves can be feisty.

Whod'a thunk it?

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RE: Louder voice, short fuse - 9/29/2011 1:49:46 PM   
zephyroftheNorth


Posts: 8159
Joined: 10/5/2009
From: The Great Frozen North
Status: offline
quote:

Even subs and slaves can be feisty.


We aren't feisty we're spunky

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