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RE: Cutting off a family member - 10/3/2011 2:25:02 PM

LizDeluxe

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I don't think you are being petty at all. I wouldn't permit people into my life who treated me like that be they family or not. Just out of curiousity are your parents aware of her behavior and if so what is their take on it?

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RE: Cutting off a family member - 10/3/2011 2:27:23 PM

mnottertail

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JAy SuSSSS. For some breastages there.

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RE: Cutting off a family member - 10/3/2011 2:29:06 PM

siamsa24

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LizDeluxe

I don't think you are being petty at all. I wouldn't permit people into my life who treated me like that be they family or not. Just out of curiousity are your parents aware of her behavior and if so what is their take on it?

They think she will grow out of it.

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RE: Cutting off a family member - 10/3/2011 2:31:49 PM

mnottertail

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quote:

ORIGINAL: siamsa24

quote:

ORIGINAL: LizDeluxe

I don't think you are being petty at all. I wouldn't permit people into my life who treated me like that be they family or not. Just out of curiousity are your parents aware of her behavior and if so what is their take on it?

They think she will grow out of it.

And when she does..........that's a different day......she needs to woman up, and that ain't a communal effort.

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RE: Cutting off a family member - 10/3/2011 2:36:11 PM

siamsa24

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My family believes that "we, as a family, need to rally around her and support her in her time of great need", but I disagree. I think she is using people and just being self-centered.

I will admit that in the flaming emails that followed the discussion that I outlined above I called her a spoiled brat, a bitch and clueless, but I don't feel that's anything but the truth.

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RE: Cutting off a family member - 10/3/2011 2:38:11 PM

mnottertail

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Have your warm and loving family read up a little on enablement. Sometime or another there's gotta be some tough love.

When mommy and daddy and sissy and bro are all dead.....they gotta handle life on their own, if not now when, if not here, where?

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RE: Cutting off a family member - 10/3/2011 2:41:06 PM

siamsa24

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I actually have a great book on not being an enabler. Husband and I used it when working through some issues we had with his mother. Perhaps it's time to pass that book along......

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RE: Cutting off a family member - 10/3/2011 2:41:24 PM

Hillwilliam

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She will outgrow it when she HAS to and not a second before. (some people never do because they're never made to)

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RE: Cutting off a family member - 10/3/2011 2:58:45 PM

Iamsemisweet

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Your sister is a jerk and a horribly negative influence on your life. Just because you share some of the same genes does not mean that you have to put up with emotional abuse. Her remarks about your child are especially inappropriate. I don't think it has anything to do with jealousy, at least on your part. Cut her off, ASAP.
My brother was similarly abusive to me, and I excluded him from my life for many, many years. He finally did wise up, and we had a reconciliation of sorts before he died. So maybe that will be a possibility for you too. But in the meantime, life is too short to put up with that crap.

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The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
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RE: Cutting off a family member - 10/3/2011 3:00:21 PM

Iamsemisweet

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Don't agree there. Your parents may, as her parents, need to rally around her. That is their choice. That doesn't mean you do, you are an adult with your own life.

quote:

ORIGINAL: siamsa24

My family believes that "we, as a family, need to rally around her and support her in her time of great need", but I disagree. I think she is using people and just being self-centered.

I will admit that in the flaming emails that followed the discussion that I outlined above I called her a spoiled brat, a bitch and clueless, but I don't feel that's anything but the truth.

_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

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RE: Cutting off a family member - 10/3/2011 3:08:30 PM

lizi

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Your life story is very similar to mine, and I too have had to cut contact with family members. I would just propose this....to keep an open mind for some point in the future if sis ever gets her act together and the two of you can have a decent relationship. I've been surprised by people here and there and it's nice that I let the opportunity for that exist. Keep your distance, protect yourself, but watch and see if things change, or not. And actually that's not always the best thing to do if she's really toxic, then it might be best to just cut her out of your life for good but you'll know.

I find that the less fuss and announcements the better. No one really needs to know what you're doing here and why, in fact if they know those things there will be those who will wish to argue points with you. You don't need that, you made up your mind and its the best for you. So just keep it to yourself and carry on although with no contact. If there needs to be contact keep it as brief and simple as possible - something along the lines of what Chatte recommended. When the others see that you won't be drawn into a conversation or fight about what you're doing, they'll tend to respect it more. Keeping an arms length distance is the key to getting through a lot of family situations where you might have to deal with her. People don't tend to mess with you if you're respectful, but distant and they can't really find fault with that either.

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RE: Cutting off a family member - 10/3/2011 3:39:51 PM

Iamsemisweet

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Good advice, on the minimal fuss and announcement, lizi. That will create much less recrimination, hard feelings and taking of sides. With family, I have discovered that if you can't say anything nice, It is better not to say anything at all.

< Message edited by Iamsemisweet -- 10/3/2011 3:41:14 PM >

_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

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RE: Cutting off a family member - 10/3/2011 4:08:19 PM

JstAnotherSub

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You do what ya gotta do to survive with some of your wits about ya still.

If you think it is time to cut her off, it is time. I took too long to listen to the little voices in my head in a similar circumstance, but once I did it, was purely divine.

Hang in there.

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RE: Cutting off a family member - 10/3/2011 4:33:48 PM

ricken

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~FR~
As someone that limited my relations with my family all I can say is that I'm sorry I limited time with them.
I should have cut them off, stayed far the fuck away.
I finally cut off, and am much better for it.

If your sis is half as spoiled & selfish as it sounds stay away from her, until she learns to respect you. You did what you had to do and sound like your doing something with your life, you don't need to "rally around" and help some deadbeat with her phone issues, let her grow up.

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RE: Cutting off a family member - 10/3/2011 4:37:45 PM

twistedwillow

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~fr~

It IS a difficult thing to do, as we are raised with this notion of "They are family, regardless of how toxic they are, you have to associate with them."
I cut all ties with my biological sibling, after years and years of abuse and cruelty from her. To the point where I was having physical symptoms from the stress.
It was, and still is, the best thing I have done for my own happiness. I don't regret it at all, and considering this happened when she was over 40 and just getting more cruel and selfish, i have no intention of inviting her back into my life. ever.
I used to hate her, now, I simply feel sorry for her. But I don't want, or need, that negativity in my life.

So the long and the short of it is ... do what is best for YOU and YOUR family. Your family being your husband and child.

twisted

edited for silly words

< Message edited by twistedwillow -- 10/3/2011 4:40:02 PM >

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RE: Cutting off a family member - 10/3/2011 4:39:01 PM

tj444

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just an observation.. your mom gave only you her work phone number... did it not occur to her that it would put you in the middle every time one of the spoiled kids wanted something when she was at work? So your mom doesnt give them her number cuz she knows how extremely disruptive it will be to field their calls, so that disruption gets dumped on you instead..

I am sure you will do well in medical school and that and your own child and hubby is where your attention & focus should be, you have your own plate full. You dont need distractions like this that have nothing to do with you.. and especially from hurtful toxic people (related or not)..

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RE: Cutting off a family member - 10/3/2011 4:51:19 PM

siamsa24

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I just can't handle her life on top of mine.
I work full-time at the drug-store, part-time out of my home (with Scentsy), I have a special needs preschooler and I still have homework! Crap, I really do have homework........is anyone good at IV infusion flow rates?

j/k, that's the one part of pharmacology that I'm actually good at

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RE: Cutting off a family member - 10/3/2011 4:51:35 PM

kiwisub12

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Seems to me that the OP is a productive member of society, with her shit together, in a job that pays the bills, and going to school to better herself. Her sister is none of the above.

Tell the sister that you can't deal with her method of communication any more, and until it changes you won't be talking to her - its just too stressful on you. That way, its about your feelings, not what a bitch she is, and the door is left open for communication down the line if you want it. And for now, so long sis. Just because you are related doesn't mean she gets to abuse you any time she wants.

And i also think your family is kidding themselves about the stage thing. She is not going to become a sweet, hardworking, productive member of society because ..... the family isn't insisting she change. Why should she? She doesn't have to man up and get a job or an education .

Of the two methods of child rearing, i think , OP, that you got the better end of the bargin. It might not feel that way, but the results tell the tale.

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RE: Cutting off a family member - 10/3/2011 4:59:51 PM

erieangel

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I'm in a similar situation. My older sister has always been toxic to my emotional well being. A few years ago, I had to cut her out of my life, which wasn't very difficult because she lives in another state. But whenever she came to visit, I made myself too busy to spend time at mom's house or participate in family activities. This decision was made after I went with my younger sis to the older sister's for a few days and less than a week after returning home, I was close to having to go into the psych ward because I had developed a psychotic episode--the only one I've ever had in my life. One of the biggest things was that my older sister never accepted that my mental health problems had been debilitating for years. Things are a little better between us these days, I even managed to attend my nephew's wedding and stay at my sister's house for 2 nights without incident. However, a year after the fact, I still get flak for not joining her to sit by mom's bedside for a week and watch her die.

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RE: Cutting off a family member - 10/3/2011 6:00:39 PM

Iamsemisweet

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You never know, she very well may shape up, and you can have a relationship in the future. What people are like when they are 18 is not necessarily what they will be like at 28 or 38. You have no control over how your parents treat your sister, and it really isn't any of your business. You do have a right to cut her out of your life if your relationship is toxic, and that most certainly is your business. Don't let anyone in your family tell you otherwise. But be open to the idea of having communication with her again, some day..
One of my sisters was also kind of an irresponsible druggie at 18. However, my parents never gave up on her, saw her through some, but not all, of her self created crises, and she eventually became a productive, hard working person. It happens.

_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

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