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RE: Cutting off a family member - 10/4/2011 10:13:44 AM

DesFIP

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Tell your mother that there's a difference between support and enabling. Suggest she talk to a CASAC about how to handle an addicted family member. If the rest of the family decides it's time to do an intervention, then perhaps you should join in.

But your parents are in denial. Addicts don't acknowledge their problems until they hit a bottom. And as long as mom is protecting her, your sister won't see that she has a problem. Which means the likelihood of your sister getting killed in a drunk driving accident is going up, not down.

Find the phone number of an alcohol and drug counselor and send it to your mother. Tell her when she's ready to help your sister, then you'll join in. Until then, you don't want any of the guilt they will have when your sister gets in trouble, or worse.

You might benefit from Al-Anon or ACOA or even an open AA group. Because you need some education in addiction yourself or this wouldn't be hitting you so hard.

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RE: Cutting off a family member - 10/4/2011 10:15:09 AM

Killerangel

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

Your child also might be better off detached from that situation, at least until your family straightens up. Is she the only grandchild? You certainly wouldn't want to put your child in a situation where your sister could make mean remarks to her.

Good point. First of all the sister is a poor role model for your child to witness- you wouldn't want your young one to think that what the sister does should be emulated. Then there's the potential for the sister to say the things she does about you child in front of the little one which would be rotten of her but sounds like it could happen.

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RE: Cutting off a family member - 10/4/2011 10:41:06 AM

lobodomslavery

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For the OP my advice would be this: She is your sister. DO NOT GIVE HERE MONEY. But dont cut Her out of your life, She needs your support and your only 28 for goodness sake its not as if She has ruined your life or anything you are young, use your energies in a positive way to help her. That would be my advice. Support support support, stay patient , help her to help herself. Things will come round it might take ten years but what the heck, what is ten years when your 28, it s nothing, you have your whole life ahead at worst you will be 38 when She finally comes round. Help her, dont be so selfish
kevin

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RE: Cutting off a family member - 10/4/2011 11:37:21 AM

Endivius

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I'm confused what part of the family member are we cutting off?

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RE: Cutting off a family member - 10/4/2011 12:59:29 PM

Missokyst

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Is it weird that my first thought when I am scrolling by titles and come to this one, that my immediate thought goes to cutting off a member?

Gad. I have to stop watching crime shows.

I hope you resolve your issue. Many years ago I opted to lose contact with my sister after she thoughtlessly stole a few hundred from me. We eventually reconciled but those 8 yrs of no contact were very peaceful.

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RE: Cutting off a family member - 10/4/2011 1:46:11 PM

LinnaeaBorealis

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I am that sister. Well, not actually siamsa's, but I'm the one in my family who had the drinking & drugging problem, the child without benefit of marriage, let alone a father, the one who's had multiple marriages & relationships. I'm the family fuck-up. Oddly, nobody in my family cut me off, because that was sort of part of the whole family dynamic. My older sister is a fine, upstanding citizen who will be celebrating her 50th wedding anniversary next year. When I actually did need real help in the last couple of years, that's when she chose to cut me off. Not that she's really given me much help before, but she has allowed me to experience homelessness & unemployment. When I told her that I couldn't afford a necessary medication, she told me that I'd get it somehow. She has the means to help, but she doesn't.

And that's ok. I wouldn't want to be told how to use my resources either. I got clean & sober 3 weeks before my 30th birthday, which was probably before you were born. LOL I've taken care of myself & my daughter, but I never learned to plan for the future. I've always lived in the moment, even all these years clean & sober.

I have toxic relatives also. What I've learned to do with them is to teach them how to act around me & how to treat me. They like to bad-mouth each other & I've told them all that if that's all they want to talk about, I will hang up. They learned. But it required consistency & firmness on my part. I never told them that they were wrong; I accepted each of them, including all their limitations & foibles & I love them all. I just don't allow them to fuck with me. And so they don't.

My advice would be to stop engaging with your sister, siamsa. She needs someone to play her games with & if you refuse to play, she has to find someone else to play with. This means the nasty emails, the trading of insults, calling her a bitch, whatever. Stop playing & she will have to stop also. It's no fun to play when one is being ignored. If you just need to react to her shit, write out the emails, then hit SAVE instead of SEND. Wait til you cool off, then reread what you wrote. I doubt very much that you will really want to send it after your cooling-off period. When you stop sending her those kinds of emails, she will stop sending you emails to get you to react. You could even delete her emails unread. If it's really something that you need to know about, your mother would undoubtedly tell you.

She's sick & no amount of your flaming her will make this behavior stop. Don't worry about the others. They will eventually figure out what's going on with her & they will want contact with you again. As I said, once you stop engaging, she will need to find someone else to engage in her shit. It will be the others who think you're being so mean to her right now. Patience, grasshopper!

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RE: Cutting off a family member - 10/4/2011 2:14:35 PM

ricken

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After reading more I really want you to think about what you are doing...giving your sis money? Listening to your mom telling YOU to grow up?

What Termy said.... Give sis your moms work phone number, and LET MOM DEAL WITH THE MONSTER SHE HELPED CREATE.

Block them all out of your life until THEY learn to respect you

Good luck

Oh yeah....protecting yourself is NOT selfish, you are accountable for your childs life and putting food on the table and suppling a roof for a child is no way selfish.

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