allspice
Posts: 1
Joined: 1/31/2004
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quote:
okay I have been misunderstood here. I was asking if its wrong.
So lets tackle this one. I give you points for, at 18, actually asking for advice. In a world full of cheating adults and full of porn and fiction about cheating, perhaps it's not such a silly question. It's easy to say its wrong and yet we see it all the time. And for those of you who have been around the BDSM world a long time and tell me you don't know anyone running the scenario this girl is talking about, you're flat out lying. It happens a lot and we all know it.
So here is MY answer to your question.
How you approach BDSM will be your choice, just as how you approach the rest of life will be your choice. Those that create a strict moral and ethical framework for themselves tend to do it in all aspects. Those that don't, tend to carry that everywhere as well. I can tell you the cheaters in our home crowd and I can tell you the people who chose to live with integrity. By the way, the best definition of integrity I ever heard was doing what you should be doing when no one is looking.
One question you should ask yourself is this. If you were totally in love with this guy, if he were your cat's meow, how would you feel about him cheating with someone else behind your back? Your response to that will go a long way in guiding your actions with him.
Start as you intend to begin. If you are comfortable with such a scenario, it is likely you will only become more comfortable with it in time until it is as easy as breathing. I have listened time and time again to the people who cheat. I could write a small book on their justifications. In the end, they harm people, even themselves. But they don't care. Getting what they want is more important than the damage they do. The justifications become almost rote. After you've seen someone walk that pattern over and over, it becomes almost painful. It seems there comes a point where it is impossible not to cheat, no matter how important the relationship.
I personally try to live a harm free lifestyle. If I have to harm someone to get what I want, I walk the other way. I chose to start being that kind of person when I was a little older than you. It was a harder road to walk but when I travel through my community, I do so with my head up, no secrets, and a lot of trust and respect comes my way. I prefer that to the whispers behind my back. I also sleep well at night and I don't have to worry about what I might say to anyone.
Last, the key concept of our lifestyle is consent. When we don't tell people something they should know, when we make choices without their knowledge, we strip consent away from them. They cannot agree to something they have no knowledge of. Consent is what keeps us from being abusive and harmful. But consent can only be given with full disclosure. This is not something the world is good at teaching us about. In fact, the world at large spends a lot of time developing grey areas around consent. Grey areas are non verbal or non clear consent (I let him do it even though I didn't want to but I didn't tell him so), non disclosure consent (I didn't know he expected me to have sex with other women when I became his slave), pressured consent (I didn't really want to do it but she made me feel like I had to), etc, etc.
None of these things fly well in the lifestyle because we are a high risk community. We NEED to be honest and above board with our partners because we engage in such risky activities. Risky not only physically but emotionally and mentally. Consent needs to be knowledgable, freely given and verbal or written so that there is no ambiguity.
So, back to your question. Is it wrong? Only if you are committed to not harming this person. Then it is wrong because the actions you've suggested have a very high risk of harming him. Ultimately they will probably harm you as well. And your friends, your family, any who deal with you. If you don't care about harming others (and that is not a judgement statement, many people actually do not), then it won't be wrong in your book and you will give yourself any number of reasons why its okay.
This is the growing up process. It isn't just about attaining knowledge. It's about creating a plan for the person you want to be and taking the first steps down the road of becoming that person. We can't actually answer that question for you. You will have to answer it for yourself.
You now have a very important choice. In 20 years do you want to be known as a person who just can't stop cheating or a person who's integrity is driven so deep they could not conceive of breaking trust with another?
Spicey
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RE: Advice, sub to sub. - 
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