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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/8/2011 11:58:33 AM

Kaliko

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I'm more interested in getting into each other's heads than into each other's pants. I will get into submission fairly easily. Naked submission...not so much.

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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/8/2011 12:16:04 PM

lizi

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Speaking in general terms, I think that if people are interested in each other that they should test drive their sexual compatibility. I think it's a rather important area. As far as the other thread goes...its faintly ridculous to take the step of moving in without seeing if important things match up. At this stage of my life I'm not willing to waste a lot of time so if I am seeing someone I'd expect to get to the sexual part sooner rather than later and see if we'll work together or not, although I don't really have a time table.

As far as the kinky stuff goes, if I met a Dom and he tried telling me what his expectations were as far as having us get naked before I'd really made up my mind whether or not he was the right guy for me, then he'd find himself alone. I don't give that up because I'm told to- it's my choice. I don't think it's easier in BDSM to get into sexual things at all, depending on the person it might be harder since a higher level of trust has to be there and that takes time to build.

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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/8/2011 12:17:29 PM

HisPet21

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I've always been very, very careful about who I have sex with and when. For me, sex is an opportunity to express your love, be loved, and enjoy something intimate with a person you really trust. As you can see, I'm not a causal fuck type of girl, but I don't have a problem with people who are into that kind of thing.

However, while I see nothing wrong with waiting a while for sex---and I actually prefer it---I do find it problematic not to at least talk about sex a few months into the relationship. If you don't at least discuss your timeline with your partner, he's left hanging on a limb wondering whether or not you find him attractive, whether or not you believe in pre-marital sex, and whether or not something is wrong. I told my current bf, after the first few weeks of dating, that I had a six month rule. I would not have sex with him until at least six months of dating and, possibly, more because I refused to fuck a man I didn't love. I'd done that before with a man after convincing myself I loved him, even though I didn't, and I ended up feeling used...even though it was all my fault for failing to be honest with myself. Not gonna let that happen again.

He was very respectful and he didn't push because he knew what my timeline was and all my rules. We talked about my BDSM interests closer to the six month minimum so he knew what to expect, no surprises. Honesty is always the best policy!

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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/8/2011 12:26:00 PM

Phoenixpower

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quote:

ORIGINAL: myotherself

I'm the one who decides when I'm ready to have sex. I used to go with the 'sooner rather than later' thing, then find I wasn't really into the guy as much as I thought in the initial euphoria of the new relationship wore off. It caused a great deal of grief in a couple of cases.

So now I hold off until I'm totally sure I want to be with that person for the medium/long term. It might take a couple of weeks, it might take a couple of months. But if he's serious about me, then he's going to have to wait.

damn look at that fast rabbit here

I pretty much agree to what the spoon wearer is saying...as I also used to rather sooner than later and these days I feel very differently about it...

I am currently dating on other pages and realised that these days I am pretty abrupt with people...sort of if anyone even dares to ask for pics in a submissive nature...he can f*** off....as then I know it isnt about something serious for him but instead just for some fun...and the same way I see it with sex...

if he is serious, then he accepts my view to it....and doesn't dare to try to push me over...

a comment a la "than s/he is nilla" I consider to be a lame excuse/attempt to try to tell a submissive person they have to do what the weal twue dom is saying now, to show them that they are this and that...sort of mindgame to achieve to get laid...so actually I question the seriousness of the dom in that matter....not of the submissive...

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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/8/2011 1:40:58 PM

peppermint

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quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

Nope. I was gonna say something over there, even had the answer all typed out and then just deleted.

I do that a lot these days...

Glad I'm not the only one who does that. I think I delete more answers than I actually post.

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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/8/2011 3:12:07 PM

insertclevername

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

I don't want to hijack another thread but because of things said on the thread, wanted address some things.

Many seem to think that if someone doesn't have sex within a certain time frame, say a couple of months, that there is something wrong with the person or new relationship or that they just weren't into the person. Someone went so far as to say that if in two months they hadn't had sex with them, that they were vanilla. I think this implies that those into bdsm are much easier to get into sexual things and thus would give credence to those that come here thinking people into bdsm will give out quickly.

Is there something wrong in waiting for sexual things? How long is too long? Who decides?

I'd say most people in vanilla relationships expect to have sex in a certain time frame too. I'd say the average is probably 3-5 dates, so two months really isn't an unreasonable expectation. If you're not interested in having sex with someone, most people won't continue to date that person for two months.

But everyone is different, and everyone gets to decide that for themselves.

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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/8/2011 3:35:33 PM

agirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

Is there something wrong in waiting for sexual things? How long is too long? Who decides?

All of those questions just *depend*. I've never found there to be a wrong or a right about things like that.

I've had sex for lots of different reasons in my lifetime, some of those reasons were better than others. Some worked out well and some were best forgotten and not the finest moments. I can't say that there was ever a right or wrong about them though.

And it goes without saying that I decide if I want to, for good or ill.

agirl

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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/8/2011 3:44:35 PM

RaspberryLemon

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I don't think there's anything wrong in waiting for sexual intimacies. I need to know, love and trust someone before those things happen, and I need to feel ready. I need to know this is a long term thing. I don't see sex or intimacy of any kind as a casual thing. To me, sex is an incredible expression of love and trust. I was a 100% inexperienced virgin when my Master met me, and so I was very nervous/insecure about sex and so it took me a while to move forward. He was incredibly patient with me, and for that I am glad. He knew how I felt about sex and he let me work up to it at my own pace. He wanted me to be comfortable with him, and he felt I was worth the wait. Gradually I became more comfortable. It wasn't until about 4 or 5 months into our relationship that we started having sex. I don't think there's a "too long" in waiting for sexual things--it just depends on the individuals and their circumstances. Whatever they feel comfortable with is what is right.

I also don't think that waiting for sex is any indication of whether or not someone is into a certain type of relationship/fetish.

On the subject of living together, my Master and I were living in the same house only a few days into our relationship. There were of course outstanding circumstances that dictated this (our families have a sort of obligation towards each other, and he really needed a place to go at the time. I'll spare you the details.) In any normal circumstance I would encourage people probably not to move in together until after they've established some sort of long-standing relationship with each other and probably have had sex... But situations can be different and I'd be a hypocrite if I said moving in with each other that early was always a bad thing. For us, it turned out just fine and I'm glad things happened the way they did.

< Message edited by RaspberryLemon -- 10/8/2011 3:46:50 PM >

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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/8/2011 4:17:23 PM

crazyml

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Well, the answer is "it depends".

It depends on the situation, the type of relationship, and the expectations of the parties to it.

Personally - there are some laydeez who would lose my interest if they made me wait 45 minutes, and others who could keep my interest for considerably longer.

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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/8/2011 4:18:11 PM

LillyBoPeep

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i have to agree with MasterSlaveLA -- a lot of people into BDSM have this very condescending attitude about vanilla people, and basically use it as a catch all for "anything i dont like or that i find boring." =p i disagree with that.
i don't see anything wrong with someone waiting; i think the timeframe is up to the people involved. i remember on another thread on this site, i was insulted because someone thought i'd slept with my late M too soon after meeting him. but then if you wait 2 months, or some other arbitrary time, you're "vanilla"? haha

people are silly.
do what feels right, WHEN it feels right, even if that's after a whole year. haha

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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/8/2011 5:21:04 PM

Endivius

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Kana pretty much summed up everything I would have said. Particularly :

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

She wanted, nay, begged, to have sex the first night.

...I control my dick, not the other way around...

Aw hell, it's just great to see a woman beg. And to be frank, most women aren't used to being denied sex when they want it-It's always fun watching how they react.
I'm just cruel that way. Yeah, I know, I'm a fucked up bastard. :-)

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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/8/2011 7:49:50 PM

DesFIP

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It also depends how often you've seen each other in those two months. If you've had all of two dates, then it really isn't very long. If you've gotten together daily, then I would wonder why not.

For me, this is just one of those things where we both really need to feel that we're on the same page. If I fancy him, and he doesn't feel the same degree of chemistry, or vice versa, then we aren't a good match.

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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/8/2011 8:02:27 PM

ProlificNeeds

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The formula for 'when' is often a combination of things, some more important than others. I generally wait until I know I want to move past 'causual dating' to a real relationship, and I need to know he wants to move to the same. It's also a huge turn off to have someone TELL me verbally they want to step it up before trying the natural flow. Most time I find when I AM ready to 'step up' to testing out the sexual side of things, it's because he's made me want to, through display of a want of a deeper relationship, but also because he puts in the effort to be physicalls eductive and appealing too.

Example, I dated a fellow several times with him making 0 advances or intimate gestures (touching arm/hand, hug or kiss) absolutely nothing. Then he ASKED me one night 'can I kiss you?" didn't lean in and make it romantic just, seemed like he was requesting permission to drive across my lawn. It was such a turn off I said no =| if he'd just leaned in and tried a chaste kiss, I totally would have gone for it. Dunno if that makes me a jerk, but it's definitely about signals and compatibility.

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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/8/2011 8:18:59 PM

HannahLynHeather

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quote:

It depends on the situation, the type of relationship, and the expectations of the parties to it.

and on how fucking drunk she is as well.

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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/8/2011 9:13:47 PM

Iamsemisweet

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Having sex too early in a relationship can cloud your judgment about the other person. It impedes you from looking critically at them and deciding if they are someone you really want to be involved with. I have found that I try harder to overlook things that I would ordinarily consider unacceptable, if we have already started to have sex. Plus, the fact is, some people equate sex with love. If you are dealing with one of those people, it can make it more traumatic to terminate the relationship.
My view is I don't want to have sex with someone until I am sure they are someone I actually want to have in my life. That could be in a month or six months. It really depends on the person. I am past the point where I am interested in drunken one night stands, or casual sex.

< Message edited by Iamsemisweet -- 10/8/2011 9:15:06 PM >

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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/8/2011 9:29:12 PM

JanahX

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

I don't want to hijack another thread but because of things said on the thread, wanted address some things.

Many seem to think that if someone doesn't have sex within a certain time frame, say a couple of months, that there is something wrong with the person or new relationship or that they just weren't into the person. Someone went so far as to say that if in two months they hadn't had sex with them, that they were vanilla. I think this implies that those into bdsm are much easier to get into sexual things and thus would give credence to those that come here thinking people into bdsm will give out quickly.

Is there something wrong in waiting for sexual things? How long is too long? Who decides?

I dont understand "insta-relationships" Where people dont know a thing about one another, dont bother to ask ... have sex and think that is the one and only bond needed to tie one another to each other for life.

I also think the media is pretty heavy on showing how people that dont know one another just hop into bed and are disposable ... like nothing even happened, and that there are no consequences .. and its the right thing to do, and this makes people "cool" and "happy".

Maybe in some cases ... but in my experience that hasnt been the case.

I myself like to be mentally ready with someone before I am physically ready.
But I only learned that by trial and error ... of waking up with some stranger ... leaving, confused - and wondering to myself "what the fuck was that all about?"

Not cool and didnt make me happy.

So now I take my time, so I know what Im doing and make sure that the person I want to be physically involved with is someone I like.

< Message edited by JanahX -- 10/8/2011 9:30:41 PM >

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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/9/2011 2:04:14 AM

crazyml

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quote:

ORIGINAL: HannahLynHeather

quote:

It depends on the situation, the type of relationship, and the expectations of the parties to it.
and on how fucking drunk she is as well.

Or indeed, how many pints I'd have to have inside me to find her attractive in the first place.

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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/9/2011 5:42:48 AM

DeviantlyD

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quote:

ORIGINAL: HannahLynHeather

quote:

It depends on the situation, the type of relationship, and the expectations of the parties to it.
and on how fucking drunk she is as well.

Shhh...you're spilling all of your secrets on how you get women.

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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/9/2011 5:50:04 AM

JstAnotherSub

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I have waited and I have fucked on the first date.

The only thing that might keep me from fucking on the first date now is the fact that I did that with my ex, and it was a one night stand that lasted 20 years.

My feelings are, if the time is right and both parties know it, no harm no foul. If they both want to wait, same thing.

There is no one set answer.

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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/9/2011 6:22:58 AM

swagKrucial

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i dont wait more than 3 maybe 4 dates. if you cant pull the trigger by then somethings wrong, move on. theres no need to spend a bunch of time having little tea parties in imagination land. if somebody isnt getting fucked then something aint right.

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