RE: is romance dead? (Full Version)

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asensualpet -> RE: is romance dead? (10/23/2004 12:53:13 AM)

compes,

I realize you were trying to make some points, but I think it's funny that you judged me in some ways about what I want in the lifestyle when your profile clearly states you are inexperienced as a Dom in real time. I have been active in real time for a while now. I have probably done more BDSM things than you have role played or otherwise at this point. So please don't pass judgement on me for what you thought you read into my post.

asensualpet



compes -> RE: is romance dead? (10/23/2004 9:41:51 PM)

Asensualpet,

Agreed. I’m inexperienced in BDSM. I did play with bondage a long time ago. And then spent a large part of my life trying to suppress that part of me. (Until I decided to give up – I had to be me.)

I’ve joined a local club, done some volunteer work at the Citadel in San Francisco, made some good friends in the community, and have read in depth about the lifestyle. But I’m not ready to take that last step just quite yet. I’ve never hidden this. I believe in being upfront.

What I thought I read in your opening post were two separate issues. First - you’ve met many Doms who are inflexible in what they want, and second - can’t romance be part of the lifestyle?

I tried to answer these two issues separately. First by pointing out that it was very likely that a person would use BDSM likes and dislikes as a filter, without ever actually getting to know a person first. I equate this to people using a computer dating service, and only looking for a mate who owns dogs – thereby missing a potential partner who owns a cat, but who loves dogs too.

I think that people do this not just online, but in real life, and I think it’s a shame, because it might work to the seeker’s disadvantage.

My thinking was that Doms have passed you by because their filter is too inflexible. I also tried to point out that some things might not be up for compromise. I didn’t consider the converse, that you might view this as an accusation of inflexibility.

As for romance – I don’t think you’re looking in the wrong place. I believe that romance is something that people bring with them into BDSM, as they would into any other part of their life. I believe romance is more misunderstood between genders than it is between Dom and sub. I tried to point out differences between genders, and gave my opinion that the secret to romance was thoughtful gestures.

I was honestly NOT judging you. I empathize with you about romance because that is something I’ve missed in my life. What I was attempting to say was, “Don’t give up!” If I see others give up on romance, then what hope is there for me?


I’m quite aware of what I haven’t experienced yet. I’m very careful how I venture opinions on this forum, and read much more than I write. But your opening post asked a question to which I thought I might be able to contribute a useful opinion.

Perhaps my inexperience makes my opinions meaningless. I dunno. They’re worth exactly what you’ve paid for ‘em.


Compes



GoddessDustyGold -> RE: is romance dead? (10/23/2004 11:35:53 PM)

I have hesitated to get into this mix here, but perhaps something from a Domina's perspective is in order.
My goodness, darlin', I do understand that your post was done in all sincerity. I have looked at your profile twice now. you say you have been exploring your submissive side for a little under 2 years, but you don't say what that exploration has included. I am sure there are a few ladies in this world who do not care for vaginal sex or being orally serviced. But that is pretty standard practice in virtually all vanilla relationships. The most you alluded to in your profile is that you have a "very spankable bottom". But you didn't even say if you enjoy a spanking.
I have to agree with Merc & beth and compes in their assessments. If you are seeking a Dom who will be content with a submissive nature and your willingness to have vaginal sex and be orally serviced, you will be very lucky. compes put it quite well with the mention of a filtering process. Most of the experienced Doms and even the inexperienced ones are interested in more activity than that. Maybe not daily, but certainly to be included in the relationship. So they probably will pass you by. If you have more to offer in a BDSM relationship, best get it out there and on the table.
*Sigh* I hope romance isn't dead. It sure seems to be for many of Us Dommes. We also search for the right one who will see Us as Women who enjoy more than groveling and housework in exchange for a good strap-on session. There are some real lucky ones on this site who have wonderful partners, so I have high hopes that I will too! My pro clients bring Me flowers more often than a sub/slave applicant for live-in who is claiming he adores Me.
I truly wish you the best, and I don't believe you should be ordered around (any of you) by Doms who don't own you. I don't personally feel that ordering someone around is necessary anyway. But that is My personality. Some people enjoy it or this defines their BDSM satisfaction, and some don't. To E/each H/his O/own. There are many on this site who also don't approve of the use of Upper and lower case format! *W* I have read about a lot of wonderful relationships on this site, both Dom/sub and Domme/sub. But they do all include much more of the BDSM areas than you seem to want to explore or particpate in.
If I'm wrong, you are more than welcome to let Me know. I do get email here.



cynnacent1 -> RE: is romance dead? (10/24/2004 7:07:44 AM)

Romance can be defined in many ways. The beauty of romance is that it can be interpreted in many different ways, with all various definitions dependent on interpretations of the'beholder'.


With that having been said:

ro·mance n.

A love affair.
Ardent emotional attachment or involvement between people; love: They kept the romance alive in their marriage for 35 years.
A strong, sometimes short-lived attachment, fascination, or enthusiasm for something: a childhood romance with the sea.
A mysterious or fascinating quality or appeal, as of something adventurous, heroic, or strangely beautiful: “These fine old guns often have a romance clinging to them” (Richard Jeffries).

A long medieval narrative in prose or verse that tells of the adventures and heroic exploits of chivalric heroes: an Arthurian romance.
A long fictitious tale of heroes and extraordinary or mysterious events, usually set in a distant time or place.
The class of literature constituted by such tales.

An artistic work, such as a novel, story, or film, that deals with sexual love, especially in an idealized form.
The class or style of such works.
A fictitiously embellished account or explanation: We have been given speculation and romance instead of the facts.
Music. A lyrical, tender, usually sentimental song or short instrumental piece.

The romance is no doubt alive, kicking, and quite existant in the D/s relationship shared between INSIDEYOURMIND and myself. Our relationship involves a great deal of style, class, ardent emotional attachment of mysterious & fascinating quality & appeal, adventure, tenderness and sentiment, chivalry and beauty. The romance between us, most importantly is substained with a great deal of trust, respect, commitment and love.

Is romance dead?

It surely is NOT dead here.

P.S. Anyone who is in any type of relationship (be it vanilla or BDSM) and feels there is no romance, yet desires romance, is most likely not in the best relationship for them... imo. When the romance is lacking, it's best to reinvent the definitions of the relationship when possible, or ... as a last resort, move on in the hopes of finding happiness elsewhere (& yes... i know that is not possible for everyone).



Suleiman -> RE: is romance dead? (10/24/2004 5:33:43 PM)

Romance? Dead?!? Not so long as my neighbors still have rose bushes for me to plunder!!!

I have always been a believer in the concept of noblesse oblige as part of a master or mistress' duty toward their submissives. The fact that this does not appear to be a populat line of thought among dom/mes might explain why I occasionally butt heads with them. There should be a greater sense of chivalry to being a dominant. Any twit can order another person around, and an egotistical twit can even expect to be obeyed. To me, a dominant is a person who should strive to be more - especially if he or she demands similar excellence out of their submissives. When I sub, I want to admire the person who is topping me, I want to try to match their ecample, and likewise, as a dominant, I feel obligated to hold myself to those same standards. If there is nothing noble in me, how can I ennoble those who serve me? There are those who deny the nobility or honor of being a submissive, or who do not agree with my concept of romance. To each their own, I suppose, but I shall continue to plunder my neighbor's roses, and shall be well satisfied with my results.

~S



LadyAngelika -> RE: is romance dead? (10/24/2004 5:47:00 PM)

quote:

Romance? Dead?!? Not so long as my neighbors still have rose bushes for me to plunder!!!


True romance is leaving the thorns on the rose canes ;)

- LA



Suleiman -> RE: is romance dead? (10/24/2004 5:57:56 PM)

A sufi philosopher (whose name currently escapes me) once wrote, "Should we decry the rose for having such thorns, or would it not be better to praise the thornbush for providing such magnificent blooms?"



asensualpet -> RE: is romance dead? (10/24/2004 6:58:12 PM)

compes,

Just because I'm not a pain slut, I'm not into more than one aspect of BDSM? The main reason I worded things the way I have is because I have talked to so many Doms lately who want a slave, and I've even had on my profile before that I know after prior relationships that I am a submissive and not a slave.

You were right about the fact that so many Doms are set in their ways about what they want. Mercnbeth slammed me left and right and judged me in a way I have never seen another Dom do. They also believe compromise is wrong. I don't think that's so. There is no right or wrong way to have any kind of lifestyle relationship. It's all about what both people involved in the relationship want. I don't believe someone should give up something they believe strongly in, but I do think there is some room for give and take to some degree. For example, one I trained with for a while showed me ways I didn't want, and when I told him so he told me I wasn't "being the slave I could be." But those were big issues and not small ones that can be compromised on. I am also happy I trained with him for that time because he exposed me to a lot of things and gave me confidence in myself.

When I was referring to romance, I wasn't even referring to candlelight dinners or things like that. Many seem to think that being a Dom means they can't show they care for the submissive. Like I said, I wasn't looking to be pampered, but affection is a thing that is important to me. When I mentioned a look from across the room meaning something to me, it wasn't about him knowing I was his, but about me feeling emotions knowing I belong to Him and that I'm special to him. That's something that makes me feel things I never knew before and I cherish it.

It's not a matter of me putting up with things to get what I want, but me not wanting a Dom who is interested in me to sacrifice things that are important to him either. I have done things I didn't think I would enjoy because I've had my limits pushed. I came to find out I did enjoy some things I never thought I would.

Taking care of someone is a two way street. As much as I enjoy making a Dom happy, things he does for me or allows me to do for him mean a lot to me. It doesn't have to be romance book type of things. That's not what I'm talking about. Hell, I enjoy sports so I'm not a frilly type of girl anyway.



LadyAngelika -> RE: is romance dead? (10/24/2004 7:04:52 PM)

asensualpet,

I think if you assume for just one minute that no one is trying to flame you or insult you, and you take the time to read the post objectively, you'll realise that essentially, all this boils down to this that the notion of romance is a very subjective one.

I hope you find your "true romance" and that is it all that you hope it will be.

Most sincerely,

- LA



asensualpet -> RE: is romance dead? (10/24/2004 7:24:30 PM)

GoddessDustyGold,

I did actually say in my profile the following...

"I am not a pain slut, though there are things I do like, like spanking and flogging to a degree."

I say this because you mentioned that I never said whether I actually enjoy spanking after I said I was told I have a spankable ass. This was just an example that I gave and maybe I do need to be more descriptive in what experience I do have. The problem is that so many responded who want more pain/slave type tendencies were the ones I was getting emails from on this site before that I changed what my profile said right before posting this thread.

It seems like many are saying that because I'm not into huge amounts of pain that I'm only into one aspect of the lifestyle. I have endured pain beyond a point that I or the Dom I was with thought I could. It's not that I did it to get what I wanted from it, but it was something I ended up enjoying. The problem is when you elude to that too much on a profile, then I get the type of Doms who want a lot of pain in a relationship.

I also hope you find whatever you are seeking. And I appreciate you being a little more understanding and less judgemental that I saw earlier from someone else.

asensualpet



asensualpet -> RE: is romance dead? (10/24/2004 7:32:14 PM)

LadyAngelika,

I realize that no one was trying to flame me but one. After I read the one that did totally distort everything I said, I admit I was on the defensive. I'm not someone who is looking for a storybook romance, or I wouldn't be looking in this lifestyle. I would truly be delusional if I thought that anyway. I think I was misinterpreted in some ways, and maybe I didn't express myself in the beginning well enough.

I've actually had male submissive friends of mine wish I was a Domme because of my tendencies even though I know it's not in my nature to dominate another. [:)]

Thank you for your well wishes, and I do wish you the same if you have not already found it.

asensualpet



MistressDREAD -> RE: is romance dead? (10/24/2004 7:40:20 PM)

quote:

is romance dead?





yes



LadyAngelika -> RE: is romance dead? (10/24/2004 7:44:34 PM)

Dread!!!

What on earth do you mean? When I saw you posted here I thought you were gonna get all romantic and mushy on us.

*wipes a tear

- LA



subbiejenn -> RE: is romance dead? (10/24/2004 7:44:58 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDREAD

quote:

is romance dead?


yes



aww Mistress thats harsh ...



quote:

Dread!!!

What on earth do you mean? When I saw you posted here I thought you were gonna get all romantic and mushy on us.

*wipes a tear

- LA
Me too ! *sad eyes*

i like to think it's not dead... i love romance, love all the mushy stuff and emotional ...



MistressDREAD -> RE: is romance dead? (10/24/2004 8:27:53 PM)

well gurlies the fantasy and roleplay in ones mind wishes it to be
but the reality is that yes it is most definatly around Me and around
most any of you dead dead DEAD. Now think about this,

When was the last time you had a strange Man if you are a woman come up to you and give you a flower and tell you he did so because he thought you were beautiful? Thats a romantic gesture of a stranger.

When was the last time you had a Man in your own family ( father, son, uncle, granpops do not count hubby here) give you a box of chocolates and tell you that he gave them to you just because? Thats the action of a romantic Man in general.

When was the last time you had your significant other share a glass of wine with you? did he take the wine befor pouring it and taste it by running his finger across his glass and romantically rub its fragrance across your lips befor you proving the bottle and you drank? This is the actions of the one closest to you that shows you in little ways the romantic thought he has towards you.........................Well Men when was the last time if ever any of You have done any of these things I emplore you...

NEED I SAY MORE?

By the way these are all samples based off of My real life experiance in the far past with Men in My Home and Men in My Life and Men in My surroundings of everyday living........ofcourse it has been years since I have experianced such actions nor have I seen the like ANYWHERE in the past say 15 years or so truthfully.



LadyAngelika -> RE: is romance dead? (10/24/2004 9:20:42 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDREAD
When was the last time you had a strange Man if you are a woman come up to you and give you a flower and tell you he did so because he thought you were beautiful? Thats a romantic gesture of a stranger.


A flower from a stranger. I can’t remember the exact day. But it was a few years back. We were 3 women sitting in a café and a man walked in selling roses. A man bought a rose for each of us and just smiled. On his way out, he wished us a nice day.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDREAD
When was the last time you had a Man in your own family ( father, son, uncle, granpops do not count hubby here) give you a box of chocolates and tell you that he gave them to you just because? Thats the action of a romantic Man in general.


I’m half Swiss. Men in my family give me chocolate all the time! But to be honest, I’m not so sure I would want a romantic gesture from a man I’m related too.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDREAD
When was the last time you had your significant other share a glass of wine with you? did he take the wine befor pouring it and taste it by running his finger across his glass and romantically rub its fragrance across your lips befor you proving the bottle and you drank? This is the actions of the one closest to you that shows you in little ways the romantic thought he has towards you.........................


Last Monday. My boy. His place was scattered with little tea light candles. The dinner was phenomenal. And yes, he opened the bottle of wine and any man who knows his wine tasted it. He kissed me, his tongue still coated with the nectar…

Romance is certainly not dead.

- LA



LadyBeckett -> RE: is romance dead? (10/24/2004 9:33:42 PM)

quote:

When was the last time you had a strange Man if you are a woman come up to you and give you a flower and tell you he did so because he thought you were beautiful?


I was walking with my dog yesterday, we were on our way back from town, and passed a male trimming some rose bushes. He cut one and caught up to give it to me. He said, "I believe this beauty is related to you." and received a smile for that. [;)]



proudsub -> RE: is romance dead? (10/24/2004 9:50:17 PM)

quote:

When was the last time you had a strange Man if you are a woman come up to you and give you a flower and tell you he did so because he thought you were beautiful?


A few weeks ago a gentleman we were playing golf with picked a flower and gave it to me. [:)]



EStrict -> RE: is romance dead? (10/24/2004 11:13:01 PM)

I really don't think he meant anything negative about what he said....

I am in the group that believes that romance isn't dead. ::laughing:: and since I don't like jewelry, chocolate, or flowers, I don't make it easy. But, anytime he sees I *need* it, and even often when I don't, he does a little gesture that may not seem to mean anything to anyone else, but to us... ::laughing::.. well, to me they are also private :)




Suleiman -> RE: is romance dead? (10/24/2004 11:50:17 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDREAD

...Well Men when was the last time if ever any of You have done any of these things I emplore you...

NEED I SAY MORE?




Hah! I have done all of these things, and more of the same sort, since I was a young man, and I continue to do these things, in spite of the fact that the act of a romantic stranger, as you classified it, is quite likely to get me into trouble.

The romantic is not dead, but you must understand that men are at this point doubly traumatised into avoiding such gestures. From other men-folk, we recieve ridicule and potentially even abuse from other men for "gettin' all mushy" (if you will excuse the vernacular), or even for "movin in on someone else's woman" (despite the lack of any ring or collar, apparantly I'm supposed to tell that she is someone's chattel. Perhaps there's a scent-marker? I've never had a very sensitive nose)

Obversely, it is quite common to be rebuked by a woman in this day and age for being unwontedly forward, or for acting in a manner which some forward-thinkers deem unenlightened. Worst of all, since a true romantic often takes his time in approaching someone, very often by the time he has seen fit to go beyond mere solicitous and chivalrous gestures, he and she have become "special friends", a phrase which has sounded the death-knell of many of my romantic aspirations.

It is very easy to become embittered by these turns of events. Most romantics give up by the time they're my age, and I'm honestly not that old (in spite of having the adopted writing style of a turn-of-the-century author). In fact, those curdmudgeonly souls who loudly proclaim the death of romance have been so embittered by experience. I have hardly met a cynic who was not a romantic at some point in their life, only to have their hopes and ideals sadly abused by the harsh viscissitudes of mundane reality.

Romance isn't dead, but it is very frequently the playground of the young and hopeful.

~S



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