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NocturnalStalker -> I'm bored so I'm going to rate board games. (10/29/2011 3:53:15 AM)
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Because you all value my opinion I'm going to tackle some classics and some of the more creative ones. I love board games. I used to create my own as a kid using construction paper. I made one where you could never win. A giant scorpion would end up eating you. It was cool.
Monopoly - This is perhaps the most popular board game out there. It is notorious for being endless, drawn out, but strangely addictive. It is kind of like crack. I've never done crack but I'm sure you can all relate somehow. Anyways, I always liked Monopoly. I didn't like the game, actually, the game sucked and turned into a big "trading game" halfway through. Anyone that trades is a cheater. What I liked was the versatility the game naturally provided. As a kid, you could use the fake money for all sorts of stuff. Sure, your brothers and parents would whine at you for turning the $500 bills into miniature paperplanes but I was preparing for a war. 7.5/10. Old, but good.
Risk - Great board game. Holy fuck does it ever end? The best part about Risk is when you get hardcore Risk-fanatics in on one game that spans hours. It's too bad that the casual person got bored an hour in, which limits the appeal of it. I am tempted to put an ad on Craigslist to ask for a few other Riskees to attempt and stop my global domination. 8/10. World domination in a box, daddio.
Battleship - Okay, there's two versions of this. There's the standard one, then there's one that had sound-effects. It didn't matter which one you got because both were FUCKING AWESOME. Seriously, this is probably what made kids back my age want to go to war. I loved the mindgames you could play with this one. "B7... I saw your eyelid twitch there." If you can read faces, you may never lose in Battleship. I happen to be fantastic at this game and hold the much coveted title belt in Battleship. 9/10. It didn't make the navy look gay.
Scrabble - This is a good game IN THEORY. This is a nightmare and will end relationships in execution. You may think with the Internet these days telling you every word possible (and not relying on an out-of-date dictionary found in the bowels of your basement) this would alleviate a lot of the social stress endured. Not so, because people hate being wrong. This game should be avoided by couples of all sorts and only busted out to settle on who gets the kids. 5/10. Russian Roulette of board games.
Hungry Hungry Hippos - The game that inspired America to become obese. Just kidding, but this is a cute little game for the little munchkins out there. It's simple, easy to grasp, and teaches kids to be as greedy as they possibly can. Why did they eat balls, though? 6/10. Subliminal.
Chess - Best board game ever. There's a reason why everybody loves to make analogies revolving around Chess, because Chess is great. I have some criticisms, though. First off, I don't know why the Queen is the strongest piece. In my humble opinion it should be the Rook. Look at that thing, it's a fuckin' castle. If a castle hit you, you'd be dead. And why is a Bishop killing? Even better, what's with that Knight? It moves around like Super Mario, hopping around like a damned fool. People overrate the Knight, I always give them the Knight. I don't need some horse making a mockery of my calvary out there by prancing like a fairy. 10/10. I used to call it "Chest" up until I was 10.
Checkers - This game is like everything good about Chess was thrown out the window. Seriously, this game sucks. 1/10. You should *CHECK* out. I'm cute.
Connect 4 - This is a game that you played in recess during a rainy day. It only lasted five minutes, but you could keep going on and on. This also made it tedious. 5/10. Only jerks take red.
Guess Who? - I love this game. This is the best "troll" game in the world. Try lying about your identity for the entire game, then when they have your guy, or think they do - WHAM - you were really Julia or Bernard. God, that Bernard was such a creep. I forget the guy's name, but he was fat/bald with rosey cheeks. He was cool. I was always him. 7/10. Seriously, Bernard is weird.
Mouse Trap - Some of you may not know about this, but for those of you that had a television in the 90's will fondly recall the commercial for this game being spammed on every children's network endlessly. The premise is this: you're a mouse and you got to avoid deathtraps that some jerks in the home you're invading set up. The big pay off was this real "domino effect" of a mechanism that set off all sorts of crazy shit and ended with flipping an old guy into a pool, presumably breaking his neck and ending his life. Don't you mess with Jerry, geezer! Ha-ha. Anyways, yeah, this was a game you pretty much bought to set up that contraption and then shelved it for years. 7/10. Where's your Tom now?
TROUBLE - This was a kids game but interestingly, it is a carbon copy of a game played in Germany. I don't know what it is called, probably Schnitzel Surprise or something Germanic. Anyways, this is a board game that I never liked as a kid, it's one of those, "precise dice roll" games. You get to a finish line, then roll a dice, it's 6? You go BACK 6 spots. That's more retarded than bubblegum. I'm just kidding, bubblegum was great. I liked watermelon. There was some weird mechanic where you hit a special place on the board and UH OH, you caused TROUBLE. So some poor player has to go back to the start. Harsh. I have a major gripe with this game. It doesn't use a usual dice. Instead, you have to push on this bubble/forcefield thing, that auto-rolls for you. What the fuck is the point of that? Just let me roll normally. It looks easy in the commercial, but you need to Tiger Palm Strike it to actually work. How stupid. 4/10. Don't be a fool and stay in school.
Snakes & Ladders - That's right, not "Chutes & Ladders" this is straight-up Samuel L. Jackson approved board gaming at its finest. This game is great, and endless fun. There's so much drama to be had when you get to the top and that one snake is a 3 away from sending you back to the second row. Not only that, but comebacks were possible, so if you got devoured by a reptile you could always get lucky and land on some ladders. This game is a lot like life in general. You are high in the sky, then you meet someone who takes it all away from you. 8/10. I was going to say "meet a woman" but I don't feel like being eviscerated today.
That's all for now. I'll review some more later. Add your own input if you want. I don't care. I have a litter box to clean now.
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