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What do you do when youve screwed up? - 10/31/2011 2:03:08 PM   
ghita


Posts: 117
Joined: 12/4/2006
Status: offline 		What do you do when you finally realize you've been really wrong?

This is going to be a bit of a personal in depth rant. I understand this is CM and Im probably going to get alot of snarky responses. Thats ok. I expect them. I enjoy them. I really hope I can get a decent response or two with some good advice also.

Im in a situation where I feel like there is no RIGHT answer. There is choosing the lest bad answer. No one is right, no one is going to win, Im at a complete loss.

What do you do when you realize youve done something really wrong (cheated on your husband) because for a very long time you felt very justified (you were very unhappy and you felt your husband had very little respect for you and was continuously having relations and sexual activities with other women even when you told him that the way he was doing it very much hurt your feelings but he continued and wasnt respecting your requests and feelings on many many topics and dynamics).

I guess all of that is besides the point now though. We've both done wrong. Just because I felt very hurt and angry and wronged, it doesnt justify the things Ive done either. We have UM;s or we both would have walked out ages ago.

If I own up and admit to everything Ive done wrong, I know things are over. Honestly Im ok with things being over because I think technically theyve been over for a long time, but I know that because of the anger he is going to feel for me, its going to cause a very less than civil separation and some very rough times for the UMs.

I know Ive done wrong. I know there isnt any asking for forgiveness. Im at the point where I just want to come clean and try to work on starting over. But Im not really sure how. Im hurt. Im angry. Im scared.

Part of me wants to just make the UMs my priority, stay silent, and stay in a relationship I am very unhappy in....and part of me wants to make myself a priority, figure out a way to come to terms with all the wrong doings in myself, and work on moving on.

But I hate this. I know I made a commitment when I got married...I hate giving up on that. But at what point does a person know its time to give up? I dont know. Im completely lost right now. I dont have the answers and I dont know where to look.

No, obviously collarme probably isnt the best place for moral absolution and advice...but Im frustrated and scared and not really sure what the "right" answer is. If there even is one.

Sometimes I think Im acting very childish and selfish in all of this and sometimes I think I deserve to be selfish. I havent felt like I mattered in my relationship in a very long time. At what point am I allowed to matter and at what point is asking to matter being selfish? Where is the line? I dont know.

I know we are both wrong. Im tired of being wrong. Im tired of being unhappy. How at this point do I take the higher road and work on moving past this point in my life? Is there ever going to BE a high road in this situation or is there no good answer?


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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 10/31/2011 2:09:58 PM   
oneluckysub


Posts: 47
Joined: 7/26/2010
From: Chicago
Status: offline 		If you have both been unfaithful, do you really need to confess your indiscretions? Will it really matter? Divorce court does not use infidelity as a basis for divorce anymore and it probably wont make a difference in the end so why make this worse if you can avoid it. Just tell him that you are unhappy and want out.

I am a believer though in owning up to your mistakes but in this case, I say its water under the bridge, since you dont want to fix the relationship.

There is no point in staying in a relationship if you cant be happy in it. I assume your "UM's" are your kids. Even if they are very small children, they are aware when the parents are unhappy with each other. Its not healthy for them if you stay in a place that you are unhappy. 

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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 10/31/2011 2:10:34 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		How were you cheating, when you were poly to start with?

I know you've been having a rough time with the mister...and sometimes, there is no fixing things, because BOTH parties have to want to do the fixing.

You deserve to be selfish, in that you deserve to be not-miserable. I am iffy about the notion of "happy" as an entitlement, but miserable is no good for anyone, and UMs know when there is shit no matter how much you tell them it's a rose garden.

Couples counseling? Sometimes a stranger paid to be a friend can see what you cannot,

~Hugs the pony~

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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 10/31/2011 2:16:12 PM   
ghita


Posts: 117
Joined: 12/4/2006
Status: offline 		Hey Miss Hibbie.....been doing couples counseling every other week since the birthday bash.All it does is make me feel worse about myself.

Poly or not...to me its cheating when its done without the others knowledge. I've pursed and continued a relationship that I have not told him about. When we went into the counseling, our counselor asked us to make the agreement to stop doing ANYTHING with anyone else while we worked on things between each other. He didnt quit so out of spite I didnt either. In his justification the things he did didnt COUNT because there wasnt any emotional attachment, it didnt matter to him so it didnt matter at all. To him what I did was wrong because I have emotional attachments.

I dunno. It all just seems wrong. Im tired of it.


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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 10/31/2011 2:19:57 PM   
SoulAlloy


Posts: 2106
Joined: 8/23/2009
From: Preston, UK
Status: offline 		I'm not going to bother judging. Ultimately it is your decision what you do, but these are my thoughts.

If you truly feel it's over with no hope of retribution then the longer you leave it the worse it's going to get - your um's will notice neither of you are happy and wonder why.

Should you choose to split promise eachother to keep it as civil as possible for the ums' sake. Come to arrangements over sharing the ums and agree on a financial deal.

This is what my ex and I did when our marriage ended.

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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 10/31/2011 2:23:04 PM   
ghita


Posts: 117
Joined: 12/4/2006
Status: offline 		Ive lied and manipulated things hoping I could turn things around and end up with the outcome I wanted. Obviously that failed. I felt disrespected by him so I stopped showing him any respect. We've both done wrong, we both admit it. In some weird bastardly way I still love him.

There is someOne who makes me not-miserable. At this point Im not ready to give him up. No matter how many wrongs I admit to...do I think Im going to find happiness just by running away? Nope. I know Im not going to find happiness until Im happy with myself. But finding a way to put all the pain and hurt behind me will go a long way to coming to terms with myself.

I just dont know how to do it. Or how to tell him. Everytime I try things fall apart again and I give in and end up in a fetal ball in a corner somewhere promising to never open my mouth again ever.


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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 10/31/2011 2:24:08 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		Depends. If you can continue to live with it and not have it affect the children, then stay. For me, that wouldnt be a possibility. I couldnt stay, and my child would have known something was wrong.

You and your husband made the beds you sleep in, the children did not. My advice, do what is best for them, whatever that may be.

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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 10/31/2011 2:26:29 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		ghita,

I am not saying this harshly, but very directly.

You have been going through this for years. Don't you think it is time to face your fears and get it settled for good? You can't make something work because it is right or only for the kids, as you haven't been able to yet and things you both do hinders that. No matter what has happened throughout all this time, nothing has changed. Situations or circumstances in details may be different, but the relationship being unworkable hasn't changed, nor the bad feelings. The one consistent is the bad feelings, the up and down of a roller coaster and the drama and trauma.

He did this, she did that... final result... who was thinking of the kids when they were doing this or that? You didn't think of them so much that you made sure you didn't do things that might hurt them or the relationship being put at risk. So why so worried about it now? Before you think I am being heartless and saying you are a bad parent or something... think about this.

What you say in not wanting to break up the family because of the kids and your commitment, doesn't work darlin. Or things wouldn't have gone as they have in these last few years. I would bet money on what you're really saying is... you don't want to be a single parent.

Face your own fear... face yourself and what has really happened rather than go over it year after year... not looking at certain things. You have said he was a good father. Might I ask if a good father upsets mommy so much and what an effect that can have on the good father bit? You can't be a good father while maintaining a relationship with mom that is dysfunctional and inconsiderate of her emotional needs.

If you really want to think of the kids... both of you need to stop doing the shit that keeps you both on a roller coaster, stop the blame game, the guilt tripping and all that useless action... forget the fucking lifestyle and poly shit and do what is right for your family. That takes two. If you cannot, which I seriously doubt you can from the history you have with one another... then get out there and face what you don't want to face. Nothing like a slap of reality to finally learn those lessons you are avoiding or preventing for whatever reason.

You just may find... you can be stable, happy and have well adjusted kids if you are first all those things. There are no short cuts that don't lead down a very long and rocky, pit-filled road. Take the road that looks the hardest in change... and change this pattern you have exhibited for far too long. One way or another.. shit or get off the pot.

< Message edited by Lockit -- 10/31/2011 2:45:07 PM >

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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 10/31/2011 2:28:43 PM   
NocturnalStalker


Posts: 3858
Joined: 12/4/2010
Status: offline 		So instead of being the bigger person you fell into the trap of, "He did it so I can do it too." 

How sophomoric. 


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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 10/31/2011 2:51:43 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Based on what I've read over the years the marriage is DOA. Just get it over with and end it. In that light......if it's going to make the split more hellish on the kids there is absolutely no reason, other than selfishness on your part, to come clean.

An awful lot of selfishness and not much thinking about all of the others involved. Including the men.

Woman up.


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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 10/31/2011 3:13:55 PM   
MissImmortalPain


Posts: 2440
Joined: 4/1/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ghita

Honestly Im ok with things being over


This was the only part I really needed to read as far as any advice. It doesn't really matter who made mistakes or why. How many or how often. What matters is that at least one of you (you) know the realationship has ended in your mind. As someone that has before stayed in the name of love, kids, fixing things, doing the right thing, etc. I can tell you honestly that once it has ended in your heart there is no way to go back. If you want to be honest with him than tell him you both made mistakes but for you it is done and there is no way to change that truth. Then go on with your life the best way you can. You don't know me but trust me I know where you are coming from. I wish you peace in your heart and luck with making your life better.


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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 10/31/2011 3:23:01 PM   
Iamsemisweet


Posts: 3651
Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
Status: offline 		I feel for you, I really do.  My ex did not cheat on me, but I did cheat on him.  I justified it in my head, but I know it was the biggest failing and worse thing I have ever done in my life.  He did not deserve to be treated like that.  I never confessed to him, and I divorced him, largely out of guilt.  I am glad to say that he is in a relationship with a really nice woman that he seems to be really in love with, and I am happy for him.  I really didn't deserve him.  I still feel terrible about it, all these years later.
People make all kinds of excuses for cheating, I know I did.  Nevertheless, it is dishonorable, destructive, and not worth the pain and angst it inevitably causes, even if you think it won't.   I am fortunate in that I have met someone now that I love and want to be with.  I will never, ever make the same mistake.
Get some individual counseling.  Regardless of whether you stay married or not, you need to work through your feelings on this.  Maybe you won't be able to forgive yourself (I haven't) but at least you can try to be a better person and not continue to make the same mistakes. 


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The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 10/31/2011 3:30:44 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ghita

Hey Miss Hibbie.....been doing couples counseling every other week since the birthday bash.All it does is make me feel worse about myself.

Poly or not...to me its cheating when its done without the others knowledge. I've pursed and continued a relationship that I have not told him about. When we went into the counseling, our counselor asked us to make the agreement to stop doing ANYTHING with anyone else while we worked on things between each other. He didnt quit so out of spite I didnt either. In his justification the things he did didnt COUNT because there wasnt any emotional attachment, it didnt matter to him so it didnt matter at all. To him what I did was wrong because I have emotional attachments.

I dunno. It all just seems wrong. Im tired of it.



Sometimes you just have let go of the *happy ever after* and accept a deviation toward *happier than we are now*.

None of it's easy.

agirl



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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 10/31/2011 3:33:19 PM   
Delilya


Posts: 4108
Joined: 2/2/2011
Status: offline 		I don't believe confession is good for the soul. It only serves the purpose of hurting the other person and two hurt parents are not good for the kids. Live with the guilt as it does no good to spread it around. If you have both been that miserable then get the heck out.

It isn't easy. I was a single Mom for 15 years. But my children were better for getting away from the unhappiness and venom that came to be between me and their father. Instead of spending time trying to "get back" at him, spend it sitting around the table playing a board game with your kids.

After you and your children have healed you will have plenty of time left for finding someone who makes you feel good about yourself, whole as a family and a positive model for your kids.

And remember, two wrongs don't make a right but three lefts do. Best of luck whatever you decide.

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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 10/31/2011 3:47:22 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		I don't feel qualified to say whether the marriage is over or what you should do about that. My own marriage was dying but I still never left- he did. I couldn't make the call. What I want to say is even if you call it quits, things don't have to be a mess. My ex and I have really come together afterward and we've forged a strangely satisfying bond that is still a successful relationship. Even though our marriage failed, our relationship hasn't. We figured, we have a family, it's not just us and since we made this family together we need to do what is best for the family.

He left, I was crushed, I'd never wish that on my worst enemy. I still can't believe my marriage failed, I never intended it to. However, we found civility and we still care for each other, which helped us put together our unusual arrangement now. When the boys were still home he had free reign to come here and was still invited for family dinners etc. We still attended family functions together and still do at this point too. In fact we traveled together to NC to see our oldest receive his green beret in March. We got separate hotel rooms, but did everything in that trip together as a couple- because we are a couple. We're the mother and father of our sons. We're planning on going to visit the same son in TN next month and will be gone about a week. Just he and I, neither of the younger boys are coming. Now that I'm alone without the kids, I have the ex over about once a week to eat here and we go out regularly for dinner besides. We talk often- mostly about the boys- probably about 4 times a week. We'll probably all go together with the boys to his family's for Thanksgiving as we've been doing for a couple of years.

The ex and I both have SO's. In fact, when I was in the hospital with 2 broken arms my nurse said to me when I was alone, "I know the one gentleman is your husband because he signed papers for you, but who is the other man who keeps holding your hand?" I said, "That's my boyfriend. It's weird, but it works for us." She replied, "Wow, well everyone seems civil, I've got no problems with it!" Mr. Ex takes care of my house when the bf and I are gone on trips, and has brought me food when I was hurt, cooked by his gf. Also, because he lives right here by me and my bf does not, when I was hurt Mr. Ex came over at least 4 times a day for weeks to get me to the bathroom and feed me and do whatever else I couldn't do with no arms to use. The bf came on weekends as he's 1 1/2 hours away and works 10 hour days during the week,  the ex was able to stay home then.
We've been apart now for 5 years.

I support the ex in every way to my sons as I always have. He respects me and shows it in front of them and alone. It's taken a lot of time and energy, but we're all really happy. I truly hope that if you choose the path of leaving the marriage, you can find a way with your ex for both of you to put your family first. It really happens when you become humble and don't hold grudges, although that's not always easy to do, I can guarantee you it will give you a solid base to work from.

< Message edited by lizi -- 10/31/2011 3:53:16 PM >

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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 10/31/2011 4:13:20 PM   
tj444


Posts: 7574
Joined: 3/7/2010
Status: offline 		no particular advice.. but you asked how you know its over..

For some people, they dont make changes until they finally hit bottom..

For me, my marriage got to the point where we had separate bedrooms, i cooked for myself, he cooked for himself, we were basically roomies. I got to the point where I thought about cheating, and i thought about walking away. I couldnt make up my mind... not until one day i woke up and realized that i no longer loved him, it was all gone. That day the choice was made for me, there was no longer a reason to stay with him. It was a lot easier for me than for most tho, cuz we didnt have any kids. I have no regrets about leaving at all... well, other than kicking myself for not doing it sooner...



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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 10/31/2011 6:11:08 PM   
gungadin09


Posts: 3232
Joined: 3/19/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ghita
What do you do when you finally realize you've been really wrong?

Own up to it. Apologise to the people you've hurt. Make reparations if possible.

What do you do when you realize youve done something really wrong because for a very long time you felt very justified...

Stop doing it.

If I own up and admit to everything Ive done wrong, I know things are over. Honestly Im ok with things being over because I think technically theyve been over for a long time, but I know that because of the anger he is going to feel for me, its going to cause a very less than civil separation and some very rough times for the UMs.

Sorry, i don't know the acronym, UMs are the kids? For the record, my mom stayed in a bad marriage for 30 years, ostensibly "for the kids". That was her excuse, but i knew she wasn't protecting us, she was protecting herself from the pain of facing her bad decisions. i think her four kids would have been better off if she had just got it over with. i don't know if your situation is the same, but i will say this: in my opinion there's a good chance you aren't doing them any favors. Do you have any daughters? What would you want them to do in your situation?.


pam

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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 10/31/2011 6:26:19 PM   
ghita


Posts: 117
Joined: 12/4/2006
Status: offline 		I love you guys.....

no really. Thanks. for sharing, for giving your opinions, all of it.

I did own up tonight. I didnt sit down and confess all the details. I didnt say "i did this, and this, and this". I didnt figure it would do any good to list out a bunch of hurtful things one after another.

What did I did do was sit down and say "I know Ive spent a lot of time accusing you of doing bad things but the truth is Ive done some pretty bad ones myself, and just because I thought I had justification, it doesnt make them any more right than the things I resent you for"

We are back to being roommates again. Its not the first time we've lived this way. Oddly it seems to work for us. Well, not 100%, but we seem to do better during the time periods we are attempting to be roommates and not spouses.

Is the marriage over? I expect its running on its last legs. But we talked tonight, about why we were hurting and lashing out, and what we DIDNT want to have happen (neither one of us want to continue to hurt the kids in this).

I made up my choice about what to do and did it, before ever getting back on here to read the rest of the responses. I think sometimes it just helps to write everything out, even without really getting any answers.




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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 10/31/2011 6:32:44 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		ghita, I've been following this for a while, here and Fet.  The two of you strike me as the kind of couple that cannot live with each other or without each other.

I get the feeling sometime that you deliberately act out to anger him, or to deserve punishment.  I also get the feeling that he's sometimes not up to the task of reining you in.  Sooner or later, your love draws you back together for a while.  Then you repeat the pattern.

I wish I knew what to say.  Good luck.


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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 10/31/2011 6:39:42 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I know I am going to come off a bitch... but I am... what's different from the last time? This is just a continuation of the cycle, including posting it all.

So... I guess time will tell and I will just not waste my time next year. I've said it all twice... watched the sympathy and understanding and everything cycle.

I really do wish the best for you ghita. You will get free within and out... when you are sick of it and yourself in it. Good luck.


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