RE: confused and need advice please

RE: confused and need advice please (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master

Message

Lockit -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 12:10:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: eagertoplease55 He says that he doesn't need to do any research that it all comes from inside him and that im the first slave hes ever had. You really need to stop, breath and step aside. You are still fault finding and defensive. No matter who is at fault, there is something seriously wrong and both have been a part of it. Stop justifying things and start doing the emotional and mental homework you can own. You can't do it for another and if he won't do it... so be it... do it yourself. If you need help with that... a kink friendly counselor may be the way to go, just as some have said.

OsideGirl -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 12:15:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven quote: ORIGINAL: eagertoplease55 "That day when we were at the cabin and I told you come to me and stop doing what you were doing and come to me and you said no and politely told me no fucking way and defied me I was fucking enraged something serious." I'm not saying I condone what he's doing, but if I told my sub to come to me, I would expect her to either do so or tell me why she wouldn't. If she told me "No fucking way", I would punish her for disobedience as well as lack of respect. What other kind of response could you expect? There is this. I'm allowed to explain why something can't/shouldn't be done, but "No fucking way" would not be tolerated. quote: ORIGINAL: eagertoplease55 I'm trying to get him to read everything he can find on the subject of being a good Dominant. I don't get this. You've been together 6 years. Are you saying he's been a been a bad dominant the whole time and now needs to learn after 6 years? quote: ORIGINAL: eagertoplease55 Then he'll just say "I'll work on it" and blow me off. I always say that actions speak louder than words..... While I can understand being frustrated in a relationship. You need to take a step back and also look at your own behavior. You've painted yourself as a martyr that is pampering and spoiling an undeserving Dom, when it also appears that you may not be exactly be the submissive you think you are. So, rather than throwing books at him, perhaps you should work on communicating in a manner in which he understands. The reason he's tuning out is that he probably doesn't get what you're saying and you just keep saying the thing he doesn't get over and over while sounding more exasperated.

eagertoplease55 -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 12:19:31 PM)
See it how you want and tear my words down. I was trying to be modest when i said i was no angel. I politely suggested it to him. If he's going to talk to me and treat me this way I don't want to submit to him. Yet, I kill myself every day for him. I bend over backwards for all his ridiculous demands. I like serving him and He likes it as well and if I'm topping from the bottom.. then so be it. I want him as my Dom and I want him to want to work on himself and us for the good of our relationship. Thank you all for your insight.

kalikshama -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 12:21:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: eagertoplease55 He says that he doesn't need to do any research that it all comes from inside him and that im the first slave hes ever had. Has he been your "Dom" the entire 6 years or is this something newer?

kalikshama -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 12:24:54 PM)
quote: I bend over backwards for all his ridiculous demands. I like serving him and He likes it as well and if I'm topping from the bottom.. then so be it. I want him as my Dom and I want him to want to work on himself and us for the good of our relationship. You sound very conflicted. If he won't go to therapy with you, I highly recommend you go yourself.

Lockit -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 12:25:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: eagertoplease55 See it how you want and tear my words down. I was trying to be modest when i said i was no angel. I politely suggested it to him. If he's going to talk to me and treat me this way I don't want to submit to him. Yet, I kill myself every day for him. I bend over backwards for all his ridiculous demands. I like serving him and He likes it as well and if I'm topping from the bottom.. then so be it. I want him as my Dom and I want him to want to work on himself and us for the good of our relationship. Thank you all for your insight. Okay sweetie... you came for advice... It is clear that you have your own issues in this and you make it more clear the more you post. We cannot help you. You are the only one that can help you. You are already taking an attitude with those that have given an opinion. You are not in a place where anything we say will actually match in effectiveness, to what you actually take in. Stop. Breath. Step aside. Your words in this post say... you don't respect him... you do everything you can for him because you want to submit to him... yet you don't respect him or how he is handling things. That... my dear, is your problem. Not in an uncaring way... I'm not saying, your problem, deal with it. I am saying, you are exhibiting issues that could not be a result of this thread... but a response pattern of maybe doing too much for too little, a dysfunctional outlook and relationship. Time to get serious about mending it... by both standards and outlooks and defusing or time to leave. You can't fix anything feeling as you do.

DarkSteven -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 12:36:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit Steven, I think I know you well enough to know that you wouldn't stop at that in a personal relationship. I believe that you examine things and you would have a vested interest in why things were happening as they were and would act responsibly as a dominant.. hell, just another human being with compassion, personal accountability and care for another. While you might think it topping and unacceptable, you would investigate it all, try to understand and go from there, wherever that might lead you. If I ask my sub to do something and she openly defies me, there's a problem. In one relationship, she had decided that she wanted out and for some inexplicable reason wanted me to be the one that broke it off, so she started defying me regularly. In another, a sub simply needed to be told that whatever reason she had for not complying, she needed to communicate it to me. If the relationship cannot survive with me being the Dom, it's gonna die. I've tried to compromise before and it didn't lead to good things.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 12:38:29 PM)
Having been with a narcissist, it is my belief that they will not change. (Not cannot, WILL not). Seek counseling.[image][/image]

Lockit -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 12:42:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit Steven, I think I know you well enough to know that you wouldn't stop at that in a personal relationship. I believe that you examine things and you would have a vested interest in why things were happening as they were and would act responsibly as a dominant.. hell, just another human being with compassion, personal accountability and care for another. While you might think it topping and unacceptable, you would investigate it all, try to understand and go from there, wherever that might lead you. If I ask my sub to do something and she openly defies me, there's a problem. In one relationship, she had decided that she wanted out and for some inexplicable reason wanted me to be the one that broke it off, so she started defying me regularly. In another, a sub simply needed to be told that whatever reason she had for not complying, she needed to communicate it to me. If the relationship cannot survive with me being the Dom, it's gonna die. I've tried to compromise before and it didn't lead to good things. I didn't mean to imply you compromise in a bad way... just that you try to understand what's going on and have a vested interest in it. You found out why these submissives acted as they did. Tolerating whatever is another story altogether! I am with you on that! If something is going wrong, I tend to communicate and if I get nothing but lacks of communication, a continuance of disrespect for our relationship, agreement and d/s... I don't compromise. The door is right there.. use it. You have heard my word 'enough' in context enough to know... when I say enough, that better be enough. The finger pointing to the door is my next move. lol

Lockit -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 12:43:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus Having been with a narcissist, it is my belief that they will not change. (Not cannot, WILL not). Seek counseling.[image][/image] I agree... that is why she needs to seek it on her own if he won't and she is still struggling with what to do. What I see here is a cycling between both that can't do anything but cycle.

ghita -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 12:53:13 PM)
Ive been on the same cycle for close to 8 years. Trust me. It doesnt fucking end. Find a counselor. A good one. Preferably a kink friendly one. A non-kink friendly one can make things worse. Again, speaking from personal experience. You read that Do's and Dont's list? It works. I mean REALLY works. But really only temporarily. You have to be committed to keeping it up forever. The minute you slide and try to speak up for yourself, the cycle starts over again. And if he ever realizes you are living your lives by that list....you WILL be accused of manipulating him. Which of course you will have been doing. Making the choice, deciding....its hard. It always is. And its going to fucking hurt.

Lockit -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 12:55:36 PM)
There is life after cycling. [;)] What comes when you decide to stop it, in seeing yourself clearly in a mirror and personal growth, assures you are less likely to cycle again and believe me... you feel much better in your own skin.

DarkSteven -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 1:17:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: eagertoplease55 See it how you want and tear my words down. I was trying to be modest when i said i was no angel. I politely suggested it to him. If he's going to talk to me and treat me this way I don't want to submit to him. Yet, I kill myself every day for him. I bend over backwards for all his ridiculous demands. I like serving him and He likes it as well and if I'm topping from the bottom.. then so be it. I want him as my Dom and I want him to want to work on himself and us for the good of our relationship. Thank you all for your insight. The red part says you're not gonna submit if he treats you this way. The green part says you want to submit to him. The orange part says you want him to change, and he's told you he's not going to. Sounds like your emotions are going every which way and you're getting too worked up. My suggestion is to take a one week break from each other and see if absence makes the heart grow fonder.

eagertoplease55 -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 1:45:58 PM)
Ok so I have used this forum as a means to vent my frustration with the entire situation and I have complained A LOT! I don't really have anyone else to talk to in my daily life. We have actually been apart for 3 weeks now. He's in another state right now and I won't be seeing him for another month and a half. I'm hoping that during this time he will get back to being himself.. the motivated, incredibly driven and self-disciplined man that I looked up to and would do anything for.. I don't see this as a lack of respect I see it as a lack of trust on my part and that has me very frustrated. I know to work on myself. I do it everyday. I need something more effective. And I do not act up because I want out of this relationship. I could find another Dom in 2 seconds.. and he's not here to stop me, but thats not what I want. I only act up when he's mean or says something demeaning and I don't say a word.. I withdraw. He likes to put bad words in my mouth as if I actually said them. So, from what I gathered I need to see a counselor.. which I have already tried. It's not going to happen because he says that they wouldn't understand our relationship and would see it as a bad thing. Work on myself.. already do that.. I read the narcissitic list and I will definitely read it again and try to learn more from that, but what else can I do. Surely someone can help me out.

OsideGirl -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 2:44:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: eagertoplease55 Yet, I kill myself every day for him. I bend over backwards for all his ridiculous demands. Martyrdom.

ghita -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 3:03:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl quote: ORIGINAL: eagertoplease55 Yet, I kill myself every day for him. I bend over backwards for all his ridiculous demands. Martyrdom. In a way its martyrdom....but its also a way to justify it to yourself. Truth is, you probably DONT fill all of his ridiculous demands. He probably has some he's never told you. And even if you DO manage to do everything he says, what he wants will suddenly change. You arent getting the acceptance you want at home, so you come here and paint the picture you want everyone to see. You want everyone to go "oh thats horrible, you poor dear". No...Im not being mean or snarky. No Im not judging you. You want to know how I could possibly know? Because Ive been doing it. Over and over when my cyclical life hits THAT spot in the cycle where I need to. Just ask the majority of the people on the boards. Theyve seen it. Theyve told me ALL of the things they are telling you now. And a whole lot more. Take the time that you have now. You said you didnt see a counselor because HE said it wouldnt help???? Were you seeing the counselor for his benefit or for yours??? Its YOUR counselor. It only matters if it helps you. And yes, there is a big difference between a kink friendly and a non-kink friendly counselor in the amount of help they can offer you.

eagertoplease55 -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 3:04:52 PM)
Thanks, but I'm looking for effective help.

Lockit -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 3:10:48 PM)
[:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D] What did I say about not being worth all we are saying because you aren't ready to get it? Even when it has been put pretty simply. You are not teachable in this and you are going to have to walk the walk of the victim to successful experienced adult... all by yourself. You want instructions on how to fix something you have some choice in and your choice has been to ignore or excuse things. The only instruction I could or would give at this point would be to.... oh hell... never mind... you wouldn't get that either. Do the time... it is your only chance.

eagertoplease55 -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 3:11:32 PM)
I'm not looking for pity. I'm seriously asking for advice as I have said from the beginning. I am not you. Yes, I am complaining a lot and I understand people are hitting right back at me and thats fine. But I really just want another intelligent persons perspective on how I should approach my situation.

eagertoplease55 -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 3:48:54 PM)
I can't understand what you are saying. Are you trying to say that I won't be able to learn from anyone here? I'm not buying the narcissistic cycling. He's bigger than that. While he may have tendencies when stressed, I know and have seen him change in the past at my request. When he is doing something detrimental to our relationship he realizes it in time. But right now he is just not seeing it and I'm having trouble figuring out how to get his attention without causing more harm. I'm getting fed up with it and not going to hang on forever. I'm not going to be a martyr or a victim. I believe I can find someone that can give me sound advice on what to say to him.. not tell me that I'm just looking for attention or pity and whatnot. Thats not going to get me anywhere with this.

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 4 5 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875