RE: confused and need advice please

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BoardSurfer -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 3:52:55 PM)
I don't really have any advice for you, but one thing i did notice is where you said he has a better/higher paying job and has less stress. I had a job where I made a lot of money, I didn't have to worry about paying the bills or being broke, but the job was more stressful. I think it might be wrong to assume his stress level is down just because he makes more money.

Lockit -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 3:53:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: eagertoplease55 I can't understand what you are saying. Are you trying to say that I won't be able to learn from anyone here? I'm not buying the narcissistic cycling. He's bigger than that. While he may have tendencies when stressed, I know and have seen him change in the past at my request. When he is doing something detrimental to our relationship he realizes it in time. But right now he is just not seeing it and I'm having trouble figuring out how to get his attention without causing more harm. I'm getting fed up with it and not going to hang on forever. I'm not going to be a martyr or a victim. I believe I can find someone that can give me sound advice on what to say to him.. not tell me that I'm just looking for attention or pity and whatnot. Thats not going to get me anywhere with this. In a year from now... I want you to read what you just wrote. What you see then may be different and you will see what you are not seeing now. We can't explain it to you because you are not willing to see YOUR PART and how you are acting in the poor situation you find yourself in. If you want to try now... read what you wrote and share with us, what you see... that we might be seeing.

lizi -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 3:57:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: eagertoplease55 ...I'm hoping that during this time he will get back to being himself.. the motivated, incredibly driven and self-disciplined man that I looked up to and would do anything for.. ...I could find another Dom in 2 seconds.. ...I read the narcissitic list and I will definitely read it again and try to learn more from that, but what else can I do. Surely someone can help me out. So I'll admit I was on the 'he's a horrible person' bandwagon till you started posting more OP. You talk about how hard you work at things, but according to the above statements in just one of your replies, you want him and others to take care of things for you. I mean maybe he was Mr. Wonderful before and things have changed....why? You gave a few reasons why that may be true, is there anything else? Is he reacting to things between the two of you? People don't generally start to push their loved ones away or act negatively towards them for nothing to do with them and all outside factors. You asked multiple times for someone here to help you out as if someone has a magic formula and just needs to divulge it to you. I thought Kalikshama's info was pretty damned informative and helpful. I'm not sure there's anything to do done except suck it up if you want to stay or leave him.

eagertoplease55 -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 4:03:20 PM)
I think you're right. He is saying he has a lot on his plate. And I know he does. But he is 100 times happier than a month ago. I guess it's just going to take more time than I thought for him to get back in his happy place. To Lockit I still don't understand what direction you are going in here. You're trying to make me see my own faults now?

Lockit -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 4:12:23 PM)
Eager... you are in a sense going to the doctor and asking to help heal you, with you diagnosing the illness and recommending the medication needed. Why go to the doctor if you already know what is wrong and how to fix it? Why come to us to help you know what to say to your dominant, to get him to do what you want him to do... whether it is right or wrong? You cannot see what we are seeing, because that would mean looking at yourself in a way you are not doing so now... no matter how many times you say you do it every day. Now.. either read it or not... examine yourself or not... I won't lead you to water. The answers are typically within us. Find them.

Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 4:15:15 PM)
I'd run long and far from someone who blames you for his bad mood , bad behavior or " this switch he has inside him" Getting upset when you're defied is fine, it happens, but not being able to function when someone defies you is a bit crazy. You are never responsible for someone else not being able to behave. quote: ORIGINAL: eagertoplease55 I need some advice. "I have a switch inside and when u flip it it is not pretty. That day when we were at the cabin and I told you come to me and stop doing what you were doing and come to me and you said no and politely told me no fucking way and defied me I was fucking enraged something serious. I cannot function without you always being Daddy's good girl, it is what I want, must have and love more than anything in the world!!!!!!" Am I an idiot for being with this person or am I just whining?

tazzygirl -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 4:21:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: eagertoplease55 Ok so I have used this forum as a means to vent my frustration with the entire situation and I have complained A LOT! I don't really have anyone else to talk to in my daily life. We have actually been apart for 3 weeks now. He's in another state right now and I won't be seeing him for another month and a half. I'm hoping that during this time he will get back to being himself.. the motivated, incredibly driven and self-disciplined man that I looked up to and would do anything for.. I don't see this as a lack of respect I see it as a lack of trust on my part and that has me very frustrated. I know to work on myself. I do it everyday. I need something more effective. And I do not act up because I want out of this relationship. I could find another Dom in 2 seconds.. and he's not here to stop me, but thats not what I want. I only act up when he's mean or says something demeaning and I don't say a word.. I withdraw. He likes to put bad words in my mouth as if I actually said them. So, from what I gathered I need to see a counselor.. which I have already tried. It's not going to happen because he says that they wouldn't understand our relationship and would see it as a bad thing. Work on myself.. already do that.. I read the narcissitic list and I will definitely read it again and try to learn more from that, but what else can I do. Surely someone can help me out. I dont see you waiting hand and foot on him from your posts. I see you demanding things from him in return for your submission. It works for some people, but call a spade a spade. Sounds like he was out of work? Have you taken into consideration that stress must have caused him? Worry in a Dominant is never a pretty thing.... they worry about themselves plus those they have taken on as responsibilities. Yeah, they can get a little short fused.... I see you doing the same here. Im going to stop here, unless you really want the rest of my opinion.

Lockit -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 4:22:10 PM)
Isn't she blaming him for her own?

fragilepieces -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 4:35:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven quote: ORIGINAL: eagertoplease55 Thank you for your response. I do know him well. I know almost everything about him... which is why I feel I am spoiling him. I think I'm going to see what happens in the next 2 months. I'm trying to get him to read everything he can find on the subject of being a good Dominant. Hopefully he will make the effort. I do have faith in him. If he's been your Dom for six years, why would he react positively to you telling him to read up how to be a Dominant? That's topping from the bottom in a big way. I'd consider that a challenge to me, about whether I am still in control of the relationship or not. Maybe he was not actually a Dominant for six years maybe he has just been a Domineering ass. I don't think she even said he was a Dominant, just that she has been with a man for six years. Opps I guess she did my bad for not reading everything prior to posting. Anyways, I do not think that offering suggestions or reading material to a Dominant is topping from the bottom. I write journals for my partner often to let him know how I feel about things, so in fact because I am putting my two cents in I am topping from the bottom? Hmmm. I recommend books to my partner as well, again am I topping from the bottom? I guess not in my partner's eyes---he requested that I write the journal and when I have recommended books he said, "Thanks babe."

eagertoplease55 -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 4:40:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tazzygirl quote: ORIGINAL: eagertoplease55 Ok so I have used this forum as a means to vent my frustration with the entire situation and I have complained A LOT! I don't really have anyone else to talk to in my daily life. We have actually been apart for 3 weeks now. He's in another state right now and I won't be seeing him for another month and a half. I'm hoping that during this time he will get back to being himself.. the motivated, incredibly driven and self-disciplined man that I looked up to and would do anything for.. I don't see this as a lack of respect I see it as a lack of trust on my part and that has me very frustrated. I know to work on myself. I do it everyday. I need something more effective. And I do not act up because I want out of this relationship. I could find another Dom in 2 seconds.. and he's not here to stop me, but thats not what I want. I only act up when he's mean or says something demeaning and I don't say a word.. I withdraw. He likes to put bad words in my mouth as if I actually said them. So, from what I gathered I need to see a counselor.. which I have already tried. It's not going to happen because he says that they wouldn't understand our relationship and would see it as a bad thing. Work on myself.. already do that.. I read the narcissitic list and I will definitely read it again and try to learn more from that, but what else can I do. Surely someone can help me out. I dont see you waiting hand and foot on him from your posts. I see you demanding things from him in return for your submission. It works for some people, but call a spade a spade. Sounds like he was out of work? Have you taken into consideration that stress must have caused him? Worry in a Dominant is never a pretty thing.... they worry about themselves plus those they have taken on as responsibilities. Yeah, they can get a little short fused.... I see you doing the same here. Im going to stop here, unless you really want the rest of my opinion. I would love to hear your opinion.

tazzygirl -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 4:58:09 PM)
Remember, you asked. You talk about waiting on him hand and foot... It doesnt matter in what way. I see you not giving him the emotional support he obviously needed. You talked about withdrawing from him when he would get snappy... emotionally, you disconnected... what emotional support did you give then? Was he right in what he did? Nope... but I can sure understand. Being out of work is a bitch for most people... from a dominants perspectve, I would imagine it would be even worse. To have little control of what happens next. Its my belief... since you asked for my opinion... that in these types of situations, they need us to be even more understanding.. more giving. Is it hard? Hell yeah... damn near impossible. And for you to rant ... understandable as well. But if you dont get your head into the right space, you will lose whatever it is you have, and any hopes of making it better. Some may think, and I hope in this I am extremely wrong in your case, that the dominant is always in control, always decides what is needed, always has the answers. They want that too, for the most part. But that is not always the reality. They also lose control, they are also human, they also make mistakes. Its exceedingly difficult to swallow an insult from someone you love. Its harder still to let go of past hurts, slights and resentments. But, if you dont let go, he cant. He will remember those moments that you told him if he was more in control, more dominant, than you would be more submissive... and that is, in essence, what you said. What he heard was... you are not dominant enough for me.

eagertoplease55 -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 4:59:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit Isn't she blaming him for her own? I think I see what you are trying to say. That I'm topping from the bottom? seemingly demanding?

Lockit -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 5:12:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: eagertoplease55 quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit Isn't she blaming him for her own? I think I see what you are trying to say. That I'm topping from the bottom? seemingly demanding? No I am not saying you are topping from the bottom. I am saying that you are blaming him... he is the bad guy... yet, you wish to manipulate the situation and therefore him, into doing things the way you see are the right way. Your way and you want us to assist you. You are failing to see what you are doing in the situation that might make it worse and proof of this is in your responses. Until you can read them and see them... we can tell you repeatedly and it won't have the same effect. You have to see it. You are trying to control the situation because you feel it is out of control and I would agree from what you have said, but you can't insist that he change when you have some things to look at within yourself. Like how it is him that is wrong and you want to do the right thing for you both and yet you want to manipulate by knowing the right things to say to get him to act like you want. Also the double stance you have.... he is bigger than that... yet he isn't so big he won't put words into your mouth. Or... how he did this or that and you don't trust him and yet you want to serve him and how wonderful you are in it that you do every one of the ridiculous things he demands. In a calmer state... you might want to read this thread again.

eagertoplease55 -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 5:16:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tazzygirl Remember, you asked. You talk about waiting on him hand and foot... It doesnt matter in what way. I see you not giving him the emotional support he obviously needed. You talked about withdrawing from him when he would get snappy... emotionally, you disconnected... what emotional support did you give then? Was he right in what he did? Nope... but I can sure understand. Being out of work is a bitch for most people... from a dominants perspectve, I would imagine it would be even worse. To have little control of what happens next. Its my belief... since you asked for my opinion... that in these types of situations, they need us to be even more understanding.. more giving. Is it hard? Hell yeah... damn near impossible. And for you to rant ... understandable as well. But if you dont get your head into the right space, you will lose whatever it is you have, and any hopes of making it better. Some may think, and I hope in this I am extremely wrong in your case, that the dominant is always in control, always decides what is needed, always has the answers. They want that too, for the most part. But that is not always the reality. They also lose control, they are also human, they also make mistakes. Its exceedingly difficult to swallow an insult from someone you love. Its harder still to let go of past hurts, slights and resentments. But, if you dont let go, he cant. He will remember those moments that you told him if he was more in control, more dominant, than you would be more submissive... and that is, in essence, what you said. What he heard was... you are not dominant enough for me. I like that. Very interesting. While you have no idea how much support I have given him thats ok bc its not relevant. What I find relevant is that while yes I have used my own submission as a wake up call to him. I will be sure to be extra sensitive in that respect when I speak to him again. He and I both know that what we have just been through was excrutiating and I was always there for him.. just not everytime he was emotionally abusive towards me. And he knows all of this. Letting go I can do, but the behavior is continuing and that is what I have a problem with. I know he is human.. I tell myself that from time to time. I understand he makes mistakes otherwise I would have left years ago. So I need to be sure not to question or challenge his dominance.. thank you He is dominant, but not in every aspect. He has never trained me.. except in what he likes me to say to him everyday.. he really just barks orders and I follow. Boundaries have never been set. There are no safewords. He's a Daddy and likes me to be sassy.. It's really a weird relationship, but surprisingly stable thus far.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 5:40:30 PM)
I am really confused. I don't know if your "surprisingly stable" relationship is a good thing, if you're enabling a narcissist, if you're manipulating him, or deluding yourself. Or some combination? From your description, I see a narcissit with anger management issues. Been down that road. IMO it's not fixable, it's just a matter of what you can tolerate. Good luck, and I hope we've all inspired some thought, anyway.

JanahX -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 5:53:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: eagertoplease55 why do i put myself through it? He seriously talks more than anyone I have ever met. He will waste an entire evening talking (about nothing important.. just stories) when I would rather be getting drilled in the ass. When I speak more than a sentence he acts disinterested.. gets quiet and doesn't ever respond back. But thats only when theres a break in his speech where I feel I can assert myself otherwise he yells at me for interrupting. If I tell him he's narcissistic, I have to do it very politely and make sure I do not come off as attacking him. Then he'll just say "I'll work on it" and blow me off. Youre just an object to him. He obviously doesnt care about you as a person and doesnt want to know anything that you have to say. You are just a thing for him to keep him company, to take his frustrations out on and to abuse. You dont ever have to tell him hes being narcissistic or anything else for that matter ... he doesnt want to hear it and he doesnt fucking CARE. In fact he doesnt want to hear you speak at all. Just keep your lip zipped. I dont understand what the problem is .... If you are happy enough to stay with him. Stop your griping. Take it and like it. If you dont like it though ...the solution is really fucking easy. LEAVE.

eagertoplease55 -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 6:00:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JanahX quote: ORIGINAL: eagertoplease55 why do i put myself through it? He seriously talks more than anyone I have ever met. He will waste an entire evening talking (about nothing important.. just stories) when I would rather be getting drilled in the ass. When I speak more than a sentence he acts disinterested.. gets quiet and doesn't ever respond back. But thats only when theres a break in his speech where I feel I can assert myself otherwise he yells at me for interrupting. If I tell him he's narcissistic, I have to do it very politely and make sure I do not come off as attacking him. Then he'll just say "I'll work on it" and blow me off. Youre just an object to him. He obviously doesnt care about you as a person and doesnt want to know anything that you have to say. You are just a thing for him to keep him company, to take his frustrations out on and to abuse. You dont ever have to tell him hes being narcissistic or anything else for that matter ... he doesnt want to hear it and he doesnt fucking CARE. In fact he doesnt want to hear you speak at all. Just keep your lip zipped. I dont understand what the problem is .... If you are happy enough to stay with him. Stop your griping. Take it and like it. If you dont like it though ...the solution is really fucking easy. LEAVE. While I respect what you have to say it's not really like that. I can see where you would think that though.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 6:51:17 PM)
All we know is what YOU tell us, Eager.

eagertoplease55 -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 6:59:55 PM)
I don't need my relationship assessed or to be told to either stay or leave. I just wanted advice on what to say to him.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 7:08:08 PM)
You heard that, too. We cannot possibly tell you what to say to a total stranger. Get counseling, seriously. A third party with training can give you better insight.

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