quote:

ORIGINAL: ghita

Thats fine. Just understand something. When I said stand up to him to make him see his perfect world is falling apart. I meant it. He will not see the need to change himself if you arent changing first. That means BEING rude and disrespectful. It might even mean saying hurtful things.

As long as he still sees you as playing into his world, "fixing" things, being the same accepting submissive, saying things the same way he's always heard them.....he has no reason to change himself. It might change momentarily...but he hasnt changed himself.

quote:

ORIGINAL: eagertoplease55

I liked when I thought you were actually trying to give me advice :(

quote:

ORIGINAL: ghita

quote:

ORIGINAL: eagertoplease55

I liked when I thought you were actually trying to give me advice :(

I liked it when I thought you actually wanted to change your situation.

quote:

ORIGINAL: smokehawk

I just read this entire thread instead of going to bed.

I am not normally a member of the kink scene, just an observer, but I wanted to throw my two cents in.

Eager, I am NOT in a 24/7 D/s relationship. I'd call what we have "in the bedroom only." And I feel like maybe that's what you need. To maintain the sort of standards for a Dom that you have set (which he is clearly not meeting), I think your relationship needs an off switch. It sounds to me like the only way you're going to be happy - truly happy - is to be treated like an equal outside of the bedroom.

I don't know if that means leaving your man or not. I'm sure he's not such a beast that he wouldn't consider it.

Long distance sucks. God knows, I'm going through one hell of a time myself right now. My boyfriend of 8 years hasn't spoken to me in a month because of money/phone/pride issues. I came to CM.com tonight to sort of get a feel for the kink community, you know? And just in the last few hours, I've realized that I am not alone, and that if my relationship status changes... There are plenty of other respectful, pretty fish in the sea.

But, my post is not about my relationship. It's about yours. Self-centered people never change. And man, do we girls LOVE douchebags for men. I would say the questions that you need to ask yourself are as follows:

1. Do you love him?
2. Does he love you?
3. Are you best friends?
4. Could being without him be better than what being with him is right now?
5. There is a fine line between submissive and codependent, at times. Have you crossed it?

Please remember that you are a full and entire person. There's a difference between submitting for sexual and personal fulfillment, and submitting because you found an abuser that would do it.

Being in a relationship should be, regardless of kink or situation, about making YOU happy. You are a strong and independent individual with a life and choices of your own. Do you want to go down this road where you first begin to question your Dom's power, and then eventually disconnect from the relationship altogether? Do you really want to be having sex and trying to remember what TV you're missing out on, or fantasizing about something entirely different?

I know what it's like to be with your best friend. I can't say that what you'll do is easy, but my guess is that you have just a little too much intelligence and independence to NOT go down the path I just mentioned. Questioning. Then disconnect. I would argue that you do it now and save yourself some heartbreak.

You can only change YOUR choices. Not his.

quote:

ORIGINAL: smokehawk

I just read this entire thread instead of going to bed.

I am not normally a member of the kink scene, just an observer, but I wanted to throw my two cents in.

Eager, I am NOT in a 24/7 D/s relationship. I'd call what we have "in the bedroom only." And I feel like maybe that's what you need. To maintain the sort of standards for a Dom that you have set (which he is clearly not meeting), I think your relationship needs an off switch. It sounds to me like the only way you're going to be happy - truly happy - is to be treated like an equal outside of the bedroom.

I don't know if that means leaving your man or not. I'm sure he's not such a beast that he wouldn't consider it.

Long distance sucks. God knows, I'm going through one hell of a time myself right now. My boyfriend of 8 years hasn't spoken to me in a month because of money/phone/pride issues. I came to CM.com tonight to sort of get a feel for the kink community, you know? And just in the last few hours, I've realized that I am not alone, and that if my relationship status changes... There are plenty of other respectful, pretty fish in the sea.

But, my post is not about my relationship. It's about yours. Self-centered people never change. And man, do we girls LOVE douchebags for men. I would say the questions that you need to ask yourself are as follows:

1. Do you love him?
2. Does he love you?
3. Are you best friends?
4. Could being without him be better than what being with him is right now?
5. There is a fine line between submissive and codependent, at times. Have you crossed it?

Please remember that you are a full and entire person. There's a difference between submitting for sexual and personal fulfillment, and submitting because you found an abuser that would do it.

Being in a relationship should be, regardless of kink or situation, about making YOU happy. You are a strong and independent individual with a life and choices of your own. Do you want to go down this road where you first begin to question your Dom's power, and then eventually disconnect from the relationship altogether? Do you really want to be having sex and trying to remember what TV you're missing out on, or fantasizing about something entirely different?

I know what it's like to be with your best friend. I can't say that what you'll do is easy, but my guess is that you have just a little too much intelligence and independence to NOT go down the path I just mentioned. Questioning. Then disconnect. I would argue that you do it now and save yourself some heartbreak.

You can only change YOUR choices. Not his.

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Am I an idiot for being with this person or am I just whining?

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ORIGINAL: eagertoplease55

quote:

ORIGINAL: ghita

Thats fine. Just understand something. When I said stand up to him to make him see his perfect world is falling apart. I meant it. He will not see the need to change himself if you arent changing first. That means BEING rude and disrespectful. It might even mean saying hurtful things.

As long as he still sees you as playing into his world, "fixing" things, being the same accepting submissive, saying things the same way he's always heard them.....he has no reason to change himself. It might change momentarily...but he hasnt changed himself.

I liked when I thought you were actually trying to give me advice :(

quote:

I can make him laugh.. and he likes it when I moan. He makes me tell him that I love him, would do anything for him, I live for him and belong to him everyday.

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We were at a swingers party and the girls there felt sorry for me. His Bestfriend even told him that several of the guests thought he was an asshole.

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3. If "I'm not happy in this relationship" doesn't work, then the next step is "If things don't improve, I will leave". You don't want to do this because it means that everything will end if he doesn't change.

ghita has simply been telling you what you do NOT want to hear - that you may have to have conversation #3 above - and mean it - for the relationship to change.

quote:

I think it depends on the therapist, We had a non kink therapist, and she was wonderful, and extremely helpful. Now in some points of time we had to explain things to her, cause she had no clue and was willing to understand if we just explained. She had zero problem with me calling him Daddy or me being a baby girl or none of that. She accepted it all with out batting an eye. Her only concern was am I happy where I am at and can I function.

quote:

I am not being sarcastic. I genuinely am thankful. I've listened to everyone. I've taken it all in and I'm changing all the time :) for the better! I swear!