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When people "stick up" for you -- - 11/10/2011 4:39:37 AM   
LillyBoPeep


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Status: offline 		To other female submissives/slaves -- have you ever had it happen where someone who considers him/herself to be "kink friendly" also feels the need to stick up for you?

I'm trying to learn some tactful ways of responding to this. Do you bother to educate them or explain yourself, or do you just let it roll off?

I was at an event with my friend, and we went to where a group of people were all sitting, and there was one chair left. He took the chair, and I remained standing (I actually didn't even think to sit down because I actually just like standing up =p I'd have stood if there were two chairs. The interaction with him is a FWB + service thingie; it's not a concrete, committed dynamic.) There was a couple there who believe themselves to be super kink-friendly and accommodating, but the female partner told my friend that he should be chivalrous and give me the chair. He joked back that he forgot the mat for me to sit on at his feet, and everyone else laughed, but this woman went off the deep end. So finally, we just left.

At the same event, another woman suggested that I should turn the tables and "give him a taste of his own medicine," as if it's something that just "happens to me" and I'm a poor set-upon lost little person who can't make sound decisions.

I think that's what irritates me the most -- the assumption, even by women, that somehow the female submissive partner isn't making an active decision, or has bad judgment in some way. I wanted to tell that woman that her attitude was far more offensive and "damaging" to me than my friend's joke, because it assumed all of those things. I was so flabbergasted by it all, though, I didn't really get my thoughts together until later.


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RE: When people "stick up" for you -- - 11/10/2011 4:48:50 AM   
gungadin09


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep
To other female submissives/slaves -- have you ever had it happen where someone who considers him/herself to be "kink friendly" also feels the need to stick up for you?


Honestly, no. But then, i don't get out much. If it happened, i would probably just let it roll off. I'm not very confrontational, i guess.

pam

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RE: When people "stick up" for you -- - 11/10/2011 4:58:16 AM   
LillyBoPeep


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Status: offline 		I'm not either, but at the same time, I want to correct what I feel is a really annoying assumption. =p But I also think that the majority of the people who do this aren't really interested in learning about something that conflicts with their preferred worldview. 

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RE: When people "stick up" for you -- - 11/10/2011 5:14:00 AM   
gungadin09


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Status: offline 		Your way is probably better.

pam

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RE: When people "stick up" for you -- - 11/10/2011 6:12:01 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I don't have any experience in this, but if you get into such a situation a lot where someone else insists on talking for you, then you need to memorize a phrase to use. This way you will already know what to say.

I suggest something like "thank you for sharing" which tends to make people realize they've made an ass of themselves.
Otherwise maybe "If I was upset, I would say something. I would appreciate you not talking for me".

There isn't any polite way of making people like that realize they need to back off. You have to be blunt and you need to repeat the phrase word for word until the other person shuts up.


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RE: When people "stick up" for you -- - 11/10/2011 6:27:35 AM   
GreedyTop


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From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		I think something along the lines of "I appreciate your concern, but the dynamic that X and I share has been agreed upon and is well in place. It works for us, and we're happy with it. I understand that from an outsiders POV it may be unusual, or baffling."

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RE: When people "stick up" for you -- - 11/10/2011 6:37:16 AM   
tj444


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep
To other female submissives/slaves -- have you ever had it happen where someone who considers him/herself to be "kink friendly" also feels the need to stick up for you?

Does this happen when he sits and you stand or for other situations too?

For the standing thing.. I would come up with a line spewing a bunch of made-up medical terms explaining why it is painful for you to sit.. maybe that would shut them up.. lol ..I had inflamation once and it actually was extremely painful to sit and standing was the best position for me..

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RE: When people "stick up" for you -- - 11/10/2011 6:46:18 AM   
IrishMist


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Status: offline 		Why not just tell them the truth. That this is how your 'dynamic' plays out, and you would appreciate it if they would not make disparaging comments about your partner.



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RE: When people "stick up" for you -- - 11/10/2011 6:49:34 AM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		something i can just remember in spite of flabbergastication would be really good. i was just kind of shocked by it all. =p

in situations with kinky people, i figure it shouldn't even have to be explained, or if they knew me well enough, they'd know i just like standing anyway. =p it's not like it's even a rule. it was just so weird.

i was a bit more composed with the "give him some of his own medicine" lady, and i told her that that would not be appealing for me at all and what we do works for us. she back peddled and got really defensive, and then i blew her off.
it's just weird... it's like they think you don't know what's good for you, or you can't make a sound decision, or you're somehow lacking, and they have to "save" you.


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RE: When people "stick up" for you -- - 11/10/2011 6:51:33 AM   
GreedyTop


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From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		"This is the dynamic I have chosen to engage in"

or


"this dynamic falls within SSC and RACk.. I like it."

< Message edited by GreedyTop -- 11/10/2011 6:52:12 AM >

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RE: When people "stick up" for you -- - 11/10/2011 6:55:19 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


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From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep

I'm not either, but at the same time, I want to correct what I feel is a really annoying assumption. =p But I also think that the majority of the people who do this aren't really interested in learning about something that conflicts with their preferred worldview. 


I agree, most people are not interested in being told something that conflicts with their world view.

Fortunately, you don't need those kinds of people to validate who you are or the dynamic you have chosen.

If you're happy with how things are, move on. Life is too short to fuss over narrow minded people (a lesson I am still learning at my age, but I do try.)






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RE: When people "stick up" for you -- - 11/10/2011 6:55:23 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I have this happen all the time..not just in kink situations but in everyday situations. People for some reason feel some kind of need to stick up or protect me which I find annoying. I usually give them a look and then tell them that I can fight my own battles thanks or I make some kind of sarcastic remark which usually gets them to back off. Yeah, they  usually never talk to me again but I'm ok with that. For some reason they get offended with me when I tell them to back off. 

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RE: When people "stick up" for you -- - 11/10/2011 6:58:50 AM   
LillyBoPeep


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quote:

ORIGINAL: tj444

Does this happen when he sits and you stand or for other situations too?



actually yeah. =p not just with kinky people, but people who are vanilla and think something's "wrong" with the way we interact.
and the added complication that a lot of people assume i'm underage for some reason.
i guess on one hand, i think people mean well, and on another hand, it's just weird, especially when it becomes some big "thing" they have to do so that they can feel better. =p
but vanilla people who don't understand is one thing -- kinky people who say they totally get it, and yet don't.... ech...

edit:
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
not just in kink situations but in everyday situations. People for some reason feel some kind of need to stick up or protect me which I find annoying. 

it's really weird. i'm usually taken by surprise by it and i just look at them funny. like "what exactly are you doing?" =p haha


< Message edited by LillyBoPeep -- 11/10/2011 7:00:36 AM >

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RE: When people "stick up" for you -- - 11/10/2011 7:34:24 AM   
lelloy


Posts: 52
Joined: 9/11/2011
From: One end to the other, US
Status: offline 		It has, but I usually crack a joke and laugh it off. I've no doubt that I've misinterpreted situations like that too, it seems like a simply case of clarifying.

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RE: When people "stick up" for you -- - 11/10/2011 7:48:09 AM   
hellionsLight


Posts: 241
Joined: 10/18/2011
From: Kearney, NE
Status: offline 		I have once in a while. Most of the time I just smile and nod - people can think how they want. What they say isn't going to effect my relationship.

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RE: When people "stick up" for you -- - 11/10/2011 9:23:18 AM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		I had something similar in a previous relationship.

In this case the dom I was with had back problems and needed to sit. So at a play party and someone's house, he got the chair and I sat on the carpeted floor at his feet. Some random woman started to berate him for making me sit on the floor while he had a seat.

He just calmly said to her "this is how we prefer to do things".

She started in on him again, so I responded more firmly "this is how we prefer to do things'.

At that point she walked away.

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RE: When people "stick up" for you -- - 11/10/2011 9:36:53 AM   
HannahLynn


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Joined: 10/16/2011
From: where its fucking at.
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quote:

For some reason they get offended with me when I tell them to back off.
yea, i can relate, i have that same fucking problem. what the fuck is up with that. 

lw, your lips may not say "fuck off and die", but i'll bet cash money your eyes sure as fuck do.

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RE: When people "stick up" for you -- - 11/10/2011 9:43:52 AM   
HannahLynn


Posts: 687
Joined: 10/16/2011
From: where its fucking at.
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quote:

I think something along the lines of "I appreciate your concern, but the dynamic that X and I share has been agreed upon and is well in place. It works for us, and we're happy with it. I understand that from an outsiders POV it may be unusual, or baffling."
yea, or something like "mind your own fucking business motherfucker, or i'll rip your fucking lungs out" works too. 

e2a: remember your clausewitz: the best defense is a good offense <yea, yea, i know he didn't actually say those fucking words, but he did espouse the general fucking idea. cut me some slack here it's been a long time since i read clausewitz, and i'm not about to reread it. riveting is not the word that is used to describe his style.>


< Message edited by HannahLynn -- 11/10/2011 10:06:03 AM >

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RE: When people "stick up" for you -- - 11/10/2011 10:49:12 AM   
OsideGirl


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From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep

quote:

ORIGINAL: tj444

Does this happen when he sits and you stand or for other situations too?



actually yeah. =p not just with kinky people, but people who are vanilla and think something's "wrong" with the way we interact.

You know what's funny? Is it's odd what people react to. Master has a rule that I don't open my own car door. I wait beside the car until he opens the door and I wait inside the car until he opens the door. He does this as a form of control. It's funny how people will make a comment about how "whipped" he is. They view it as him waiting on me, when in reality I'm waiting for him.


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RE: When people "stick up" for you -- - 11/10/2011 11:24:01 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		WTF Oside?? Not too many years ago (and still in a lot of places) that is considered GENTLEMANLY CHIVALRY!!

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polysnortatious
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