PolyDommesgirl
Posts: 75
Joined: 6/17/2011
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If I may, I would like to take a moment to answer a question/statement brought to this thread earlier. This will be quite lengthy as such, not everyone will have the patience to read all of it.
The question/statement is:
I seriously doubt though that someone born with that mind-set/desire to be the opposite sex would find it impossible to cope and find a happy balance without running the risk of finding themselves ostracized by those around them.
My polite rebuttal:
When I first started to attend school is when the gender issues first started becoming apparent to me. I was naturally was drawn to the things that girls were doing and saying. But school teachers kept pulling me away from those activities and pushing me to be with boys.
Also noteworthy, this act of society pushing me to do something I did not want to do, is likely when my anger issues initially started. I know I still easily display hostility, I recognize I still need to improve, but trust me when I say, I am doing so much better.
Later, even my peers began judging me by gender actions and gender designation.
As early as 9 years old, I was being called gay, a fag, a fairy, a princess, and many more names hardly worth mentioning. From that time until today I have been assaulted at least once every two years for being me.
I was 10 years old when I first contemplated suicide because of the peer pressures. I contemplated suicide on a regular bases there after. I had a knife in my hand and at my wrist on 5 different occasions.
The sport minded boys saw the effeminate boy and associated my feminine traits with weakness. Girls saw the kind and loving best friend. But did not want to date me.
Imagine being 10 years old, and experiencing loneliness and depression, because of things you cannot control.
Peer pressure to conform, actually had an opposite effect, I become non social and at times anti social.
There were two things that prevented me from acting on suicide thoughts. The first was my father being in the military. This is significant because we moved frequently. I was never at one place or one school long enough to feel totally beaten down. The second thing was, the close relationship I had with my grandmother and the fact she was my home base. She kept me grounded. I suspect she new I was having social problems. But she never asked what or why. She was the type of woman that could give you a hug and the worlds problems disappeared. (R.I.P. Grandma, I love you and I miss you)
I was 19, when I was diagnosed with gender disphorea. My diagnosis was a double edge sword. I knew the problem, but did not have any family or monetary support to act.
For the next 14 years I tried to be a man. But part of my problem was I did not learn the manly social skills many of my peers did during my teens. In fact I had learned very little social skills.
As an adult, I struggled with my coworkers. I found it easier to quite jobs rather than deal with the workplace politics. In 14 years I had 14 different jobs.
During the same 14 year period, I tried to be a husband and father. I also toke Paxil, to numb the world around me. In 2004 I lost my best friend & wife and daughter.
In 2007, I toke steps to perform an orchiectomy. It was painful but successful. I made a quick healthy recovery. (For legal reasons, please do not ask me how. Google can show you at least 20 different methods)
In 2008, I found out the Government of my province had re-listed SRS.
I have been following the steps as required to be approved. I am near the end of the process. I start hormones soon and my final surgeries are slated for this coming summer.
Since 2008, I have been self employed. People trust me for my Video and Editing skills and not my social skills. I think many people expect artisans to be a little eccentric which has worked in my favor. My bills are paid and there is food on the table. And in conjuction with my choice to live simply, I am living very comfortably.
I am almost 40, I did find it nearly impossible to cope at many different times of my life to find a happy balance. I was ostracized in combination of my own actions and by those around me.
Tragically, despite reading numerous books, such as “How to win friends and influence people“, and taking many courses, I still display socially inept behaviors.
Since 2007, I no longer take anti-depressants.
Since 2008 I have experienced more joy and happiness then I have in the last 35 years.
If fewer people placed such importance on gender issues in our society, likely I could have adapted. But the realty is, we live in a consumerist society and gender and sex play a vital and subconscious role for everything.
When you wake in the morning, do you use a men's razor or a women's razor. Honestly it is just a razor, does it really matter what color it is? As a man, would you be bold enough to have a pink razor and a can of pink shaving cream in your bathroom. If you could do it, what would a potential girlfriend think if she saw it in there? What would you wife say? (Tomboys are social acceptable, so I don't have a question for the women)
I once had a bottle of Yves Vanilla scented hand cream on my kitchen counter and my brother called me gay. Gay? Really, because I don't want dry hands?
Gender and the perception of gender is the foundation of our consumerist society.
When you are comfortable with your gender, you likely don't think about it. But when you are not, every minute of everyday becomes an immense hurdle. Imagine thinking, if I take possession of product XYZ, what will the people around me think, a multitude of times a day.
It is easy to say, don't worry about it.
But, there was one time I chose not to worry about it and I lost a $60,000/yr job.
There was another time and I lost a beautiful girlfriend.
The list goes on, and on, and on, and on.
The day society stops thinking about gender, will be the day I can stop thinking about gender.
Thank you reading my story. I trust it gives you some insight to how some others may feel.
< Message edited by PolyDommesgirl -- 11/19/2011 9:46:36 AM >
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I am blessed with the ability to translate.
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RE: The Transgender Thread - 
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