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Dating - 11/11/2011 2:32:57 PM   
andromeda06


Posts: 24
Joined: 8/8/2011
Status: offline 		Because that's all it really is, right?

So I go back and forth between dating for awhile and then taking a break. (I'm mostly on a break) I also can't seem to decide what's more important in order... do I look for a dominant man and then try and find one who is intrinsically a "good" person? Or do I look for a good person and hope like hell he's kinky and rely on my natural instincts to find one who's dominant?

Because honestly, that's a tough call. Being with a good person, one whom I connect with and have common values, is very important to me. As is having someone who understands my submission and the kind of dynamic I thrive in.

It feels like I'm looking for a purple kiwi.

My friends casually date on POF etc but I tend to have no problem just meeting men where ever. Plus, to start a profile there would feel overwhelming and like I was somehow not being truthful about what I want. I've met a few here, and all of them were actually quite wonderful, but it's just not... It. Not right. Not by a long shot. I want to somehow take parts and pieces of the men I've known and just squish them together. If I were reading this, I know all I would want to say is, "Suck it up. That's just dating. Patience etc." I also know that when I feel like this it's best to just stop for awhile. Which is hard for other reasons.

It's just frustrating. And not in the ways my friends seem to deal with. It feels different. I've only been single for over a year and much of that was just spent taking time to make sure I was in the best place possible after my last relationship ended. I thought that was fairly responsible. But I had no idea I'd find it to be this ... hard. Am I getting old? Am I too picky? Am I getting that single disease where you get so used to being by yourself? I've always been in relationships and have always found it easy to have meaningful, happy ones. So what's the deal? Advice? Tell me to relax. Something. This profile may be new but that's because I was gone for years. I know some of you will have Something to say. Hit me ... please :)
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Dating - 11/11/2011 2:37:45 PM   
HeatherMcLeather


Posts: 2559
Joined: 5/21/2011
From: The dog house
Status: offline 		I have no idea. I have "dated" two women in my life, and they both moved in. Either I am really lucky, or I'm in for a major fall soon.

(in reply to andromeda06)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Dating - 11/11/2011 2:41:23 PM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		i can relate in a way. =p
it seems most of the "good" people i meet are missing something very visceral and integral, but that you can't put your finger on. you just recognize that it's not there.
meanwhile, most of those who have it also seem to pair it with psychopathy. =p (overstating obviously, but i hope you get the point.)

where's the balance? where's the middle line?
oy...

i think you just... try to get to know people as holistically as possible. on a kink site, don't talk so much about the kink -- learn who they are besides what's in their toy bags. yeah -- "date them" like a "regular" vanilla person would. sometimes it seems when the kink comes first, everything else gets thrown out the window.

< Message edited by LillyBoPeep -- 11/11/2011 2:43:26 PM >

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica


(in reply to HeatherMcLeather)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Dating - 11/11/2011 2:43:05 PM   
andromeda06


Posts: 24
Joined: 8/8/2011
Status: offline 		Haha. You're lucky.

But thanks. I've always done fine dating. 2, 5 year relationships that both ended on fairly good terms for rational reasons. Or I just have a 5 year expiration date.

It's just that I have a much more specific set of wants and needs now. It's so much harder. And I feel all ranty about it today.

It's that I'm getting old. I just know it. :)

(in reply to HeatherMcLeather)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Dating - 11/11/2011 2:45:08 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I've never really done the 'dating' thing. I've been in relationships. Most have lasted a fairly long time with the longest being 20+ years.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to andromeda06)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Dating - 11/11/2011 2:46:11 PM   
andromeda06


Posts: 24
Joined: 8/8/2011
Status: offline 		All solid advice and reasons. Thanks.

I do date like a regular vanilla person. I've always seen it as simply dating and not any different just because kink matters to me.

Still.... grr

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Dating - 11/11/2011 2:48:27 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		That is a big part of why I am poly. I don't expect every single person to be everything to me.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to andromeda06)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Dating - 11/11/2011 2:48:54 PM   
andromeda06


Posts: 24
Joined: 8/8/2011
Status: offline 		That's just terminology. I've always had "relationships" too. But it all starts with dating, in my opinion.

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Dating - 11/11/2011 2:49:48 PM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: andromeda06

All solid advice and reasons. Thanks.

I do date like a regular vanilla person. I've always seen it as simply dating and not any different just because kink matters to me.

Still.... grr



agreed -- that's how it works for me. =p
to me, there's not really a huge difference -- the same fundamental things (trust, communication, blah blah blah) have to exist, in spite of whatever kind of weird sex or complicated rules we're going to have later. =p
it's just frustrating sometimes trying to find a balance.



_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica


(in reply to andromeda06)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Dating - 11/11/2011 2:52:07 PM   
andromeda06


Posts: 24
Joined: 8/8/2011
Status: offline 		I've gone round and round on that one too. Because I've had relationships that were wonderfully open. Some of the deeper connections I've had lately have been with people who could just be honest without definition. That's been very refreshing.

But I'm monogamous at heart.

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Dating - 11/11/2011 2:53:30 PM   
Iamsemisweet


Posts: 3651
Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
Status: offline 		Even though I consider myself kinky, I met my love on POF.  He certainly wouldn't have described himself as kinky, but I am extremely happy that he understands my needs and is willing to explore his kinky side.

I also dated some men I met here.  While some of them were nice, and they certainly could meet some of my needs, in the end, being with someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with is more important than getting spanked.  Being with someone who is loving, has a great relationship with his family, has a responsible and fulfilling job, a happy attitude towards life, and great expectations for the future are just as important to me as meeting someone who calls themselves a "dom".  My advice?  Look for a good person.  It lasts longer.


_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

(in reply to andromeda06)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Dating - 11/11/2011 2:54:53 PM   
andromeda06


Posts: 24
Joined: 8/8/2011
Status: offline 		Totally

It's nice to put that all into words and have someone agree. I still think it should be easier. But I feel better having written it all out.

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Dating - 11/11/2011 2:55:38 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: andromeda06

That's just terminology. I've always had "relationships" too. But it all starts with dating, in my opinion.



Perhaps.

Then again, I grew up in an environment that was not exactly conducive to dating. Groups of people just all hung out together with very little couple dating. We hung out, then when the hanging out was over we either each went home, or the couples went home and shagged.

As Lilly said, the fundamentals of a successful relationship are all the same. Regardless of type, structure, number of people.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to andromeda06)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Dating - 11/11/2011 2:59:17 PM   
caelestis


Posts: 195
Joined: 9/6/2008
Status: offline 		Best (and really only) dating advice I got from my mother... "If you aren't happy being by yourself, you won't be happy with another person."



_____________________________

"We are a fountain of shimmering contradictions, most of us. Beautiful in the concept, if we're lucky, but frequently tedious or regrettable as we flesh ourselves out."
— Gregory Maguire



(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Dating - 11/11/2011 3:00:08 PM   
andromeda06


Posts: 24
Joined: 8/8/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

Even though I consider myself kinky, I met my love on POF.  He certainly wouldn't have described himself as kinky, but I am extremely happy that he understands my needs and is willing to explore his kinky side.

I also dated some men I met here.  While some of them were nice, and they certainly could meet some of my needs, in the end, being with someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with is more important than getting spanked.  Being with someone who is loving, has a great relationship with his family, has a responsible and fulfilling job, a happy attitude towards life, and great expectations for the future are just as important to me as meeting someone who calls themselves a "dom".  My advice?  Look for a good person.  It lasts longer.



I'm fairly certain, after a few years of living with a wonderfully dominant man, that my submission is just as important to me. :)

However, the point you're making isn't lost on me. I hear ya. Thanks.

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Dating - 11/11/2011 3:02:54 PM   
andromeda06


Posts: 24
Joined: 8/8/2011
Status: offline 		Ah. I live by this. Don't get me wrong just because I'm being whiney. I have fabulous friends, a wonderful family, and a rewarding career. I love my city, I love my home, I love my dog. And I really love who I am.

Your mother was very wise :)

(in reply to caelestis)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Dating - 11/11/2011 3:04:14 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline
quote:

I want to somehow take parts and pieces of the men I've known and just squish them together.


In a sense, that's what I do. Since I've come to realize it's just not realistic that one person will meet all my needs, I have a 'bouquet' of people in my life and enjoy the parts of each that I can connect with. Nobody seems to mind since apparently this meets their needs too.

quote:

Am I getting that single disease where you get so used to being by yourself?

Honey, it's a blessing, not a disease. Getting comfortable with your own company is one of the greatest gifts in life.

If it makes you feel any better, two of my closest women friends have been happily married for 25 and 32 years respectively. Their husbands say if 'if she died or left me, I definitely would marry again.' THEY say 'if he died or left me, I'd snag a few lovers who live close by and NEVER marry again."

In essence, that's what I've been doing since I left my husband 20+ years ago. Believe me, it's been the happiest 20+ years of my life.

This site is like any other online. You can use Match or POF or OKCupid and put in a little blurb about 'lifestyle' if you wish as well as keep your account here and HOLD TO YOUR STANDARDS! In the meantime, enjoy the parts of folks you like and until somebody really strikes your fancy and indicates something longterm is what he would like as well...release the pressure on yourself. You're free! Live, love, laugh, play!

(in reply to andromeda06)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Dating - 11/11/2011 3:04:51 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		You say you took a year off, that's good. Might be this time though, you need longer.

Every relationship has its good and bad points and for some we need longer to recover and be ready to move on than others. When you are really ready, the right person will come along and you will know. Sounds all silly and stuff, but it really is the way things are.

As for which to look for first? As Semisweet said, it all depends on which is more important to you. Some would rather have a "so-so" kink relationship where the other connections and important characteristics don't exist and others would rather have no kink and the other stuff. Only you know which is more important.

As for are you getting old? Yep. We all are. Every day. Sucks, don't it?

(in reply to andromeda06)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Dating - 11/11/2011 3:09:51 PM   
Iamsemisweet


Posts: 3651
Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
Status: offline 		That is so true.  Taking adequate time off to recover from relationships that didn't work out is important.  The length of time depends on the prior relationship.  The biggest mistake I made in dating was being too rushed to meet someone else, after a relationship ended.  I think I hurt other people needlessly, because I wasn't ready for a commitment, even though I thought I was.  I also think I made some bad decisions that I might not have made if I had given myself a little time. 
quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

You say you took a year off, that's good. Might be this time though, you need longer.

Every relationship has its good and bad points and for some we need longer to recover and be ready to move on than others. When you are really ready, the right person will come along and you will know. Sounds all silly and stuff, but it really is the way things are.

As for which to look for first? As Semisweet said, it all depends on which is more important to you. Some would rather have a "so-so" kink relationship where the other connections and important characteristics don't exist and others would rather have no kink and the other stuff. Only you know which is more important.

As for are you getting old? Yep. We all are. Every day. Sucks, don't it?


_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Dating - 11/11/2011 3:10:46 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: caelestis

Best (and really only) dating advice I got from my mother... "If you aren't happy being by yourself, you won't be happy with another person."




Your mama knows her stuff! Great advice!

(in reply to caelestis)
Profile   Post #: 20
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