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RE: Girls, why did it fail? - 5/26/2006 11:24:06 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		Laughing...we're not supposed to admit that we failed at past relationships.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Calandra

Would replies from Dominants who thought they found "the one" and were mistaken be welcome? I was submissive many years ago, but it was before internet really got a foothold and my replies from submissive position wouldn't be valid...
 
Dom/mes get fooled too because human nature is a great equalizer...

(in reply to Calandra)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Girls, why did it fail? - 5/26/2006 11:51:04 PM   
feastie


Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline 		Typically, when I walk into my Dom's home and find another woman's belongings there...

When my Dom has a collared submissive in another city that I find out about...

When he doesn't maintain contact ...

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Girls, why did it fail? - 5/26/2006 11:52:59 PM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Some days I am SO proud to be a crappy dom...

(in reply to feastie)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Girls, why did it fail? - 5/27/2006 12:00:35 AM   
Wolfie648


Posts: 600
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline 		"I ask because I READ MANY PROFILES that say I have found THE ONE........and 2 weeks later you are a wreck...............why, what happens SOOOOOOO fast??? Posers, abusers,cyber freaks, kinky sex dom players, liars, changed mind on WHAT YOU THOUGHT BDSM WAS ALL ABOUT..........what! "

I had the bad fortune to come across someone who I _thought_ was the slave I was looking for. That was about 12 years ago and I had limited experience. She probably was the slave I was looking for. I was not ready for her. I learned my lesson and moved on and since then have been fortunate anough to find another (actually she found me ;-) with a stronger heart and myself being more aware than I was before. Life is an ongoing process; all you need to do is live and learn. Maybe you have fun on the way, maybe you don't. Your choice.

D (owner of j).

_____________________________

Possibly.

(in reply to dogobedience)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Girls, why did it fail? - 5/27/2006 12:02:18 AM   
feastie


Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

Some days I am SO proud to be a crappy dom...


Gives ya the warm fuzzies, don't it?

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to CrappyDom)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Girls, why did it fail? - 5/27/2006 12:11:38 AM   
shivvy


Posts: 746
Joined: 3/25/2006
From: Ireland, living in Kent, England.
Status: offline 		i think finding "the One" is a bit like in the vanilla world as well. in that you have all these high expectations of your Master, and wot it will be like, but then real life don't meet those expactations... or perhaps He turns out not to be the Master you thought he woz gonna be... i think there's so many things that can go wrong, and whilst you try so hard to try and fix them, and ova come them, sometimes you just can't
 
And sometimes your Master, once He has you, thinks He don't have to try anymore, so you feel all lonely and rejected.
 
Just my thoughts, for wot they're worth.

_____________________________


(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•.εΐз¸¸.·*´¯`v´¯`*·.¸¸ـ εΐз ~*luv shivvy*~ ـ εΐз

xxx
Owned and collared by SavageFaerie and Master P

(in reply to Calandra)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Girls, why did it fail? - 5/27/2006 12:25:40 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		My first relationship failed with Master because I was a lousy submissive.. so I killed him. I had the right heart.. but the wrong attitude and I just didn't care about him as a person and that bugged him. Not to beat myself up too much, I was very honest about the whole thing.. but he wanted what he couldn't have.. something I didn't have in me, at that time, to give. ::shrugs::

The second relationship failed because the guy was a lousy dominant who turned out to be a pretty good submissive later on. Our dumping was mutual.. and I didn't kill that one. ;)

My current relationship is going on 10 years and is very strong because we accept each other for who we are.. and we've both learned from our mistakes. I'm now fairly adequate in the slave department.. he's not half bad in the Master department.. and we laugh alot. :) If this one, for whatever reason, doesn't work out.. that's it. I'm hanging up the collar for good.. and just going stark raving sadist from here on out.

Celeste


_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to shivvy)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Girls, why did it fail? - 5/27/2006 12:51:11 AM   
srllile7


Posts: 75
Joined: 3/30/2006
Status: offline 		Well a newbie i am definatly. I have yet to leave a Master because i have just had one , but i by no means claim that he is the one for me the rest of my life, he could be but like in any relationship you cant claim this right off the bat and if you think you can then im sorry. 
  I feel in this area of d/s relationship there are so many emotions and feeling one has never had that it is so easy to fall so deeply and quickly for someone. 
  So for a brand spanking new submissive i know i personally have been overwhelmed by my emotions and feelings and I find it hard but do have to sit down and evaluate what is really there and going on thus far in the relationship, yes I just put my life in this man hands but still i dont know if he likes a sandwich with mustard or mayo know what i mean. 
 All I can add is rember this is the craziest most emotionally involved rollercoaster that a new Submissive has been on, were expirencing sexual things most have been taught is wrong but instead we are loving so this is one emotion, plus there is the whole sub frenzie that has been mentioned to me in one of my threads in ask a submissive/slave, and most importantly  we are putting trust in a person like we probably never have before. So we fall hard and fast and sometimes we forget to evaluate our relationship for a "sane" point of view if you will. 

(in reply to candystripper)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Girls, why did it fail? - 5/27/2006 1:06:09 AM   
CanadianGuy


Posts: 219
Status: offline 		Unfortunately I think for many, this site and those like it actually do much more harm than good.  I find the front page to be a bit of a meat-market, and it saddens me to see the scores of submissives falling very obviously into the hands of vanilla losers looking for a kinky, easy lay because they think submissive girls will give it up easily.  And sadly, the newbie submissives often think that's what they're "supposed" to do.  Sad.  These guys shoul cough up the $8 or whatever it is for a lavalife subscription, and stop preying on the insecurities, inexperience, and naivite of submissives looking for experience, control, and guidance.  I think at least half the new submissives on this site end up running screaming after getting 200 threatening/manipulative/agressive messages on day 1. 

My first D/s relationship was brief.  I wasn't very physically attracted to her, and our connection wasn't very strong.  I also didn't fully understand my own needs.
A couple "fling" type relationships ended because the girl wasn't truly interested in submitting and serving, or because she fell in love with me and got sort of crazy.
My girl, my sweetheart, my little one..... she has been mine almost 4 years now and I'm madly in love.  I know she would make me very happy.  Usually, she knows she would be happy with me, but being new to relationships and quite young, she's not always convinced.  The next several months will make or break us because she's going to be applying at colleges, and if she ends up going to one that's far away from me, I don't think we'll be able to last.  I really need her with me.  I don't want to go abother 4-8 years alone, seeing her every few nights on IM or webcam.

(in reply to srllile7)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Girls, why did it fail? - 5/27/2006 6:07:15 AM   
tarnishedhalo777


Posts: 119
Status: offline 		Distance is a problem.

Men shouldn't take on woman that they dont have time to train.

If a persons life is a mess they certainly shouldn't attempt to control anothers.

Incompatability beyond the Kink.





< Message edited by tarnishedhalo777 -- 5/27/2006 6:39:50 AM >

_____________________________

I will not die the death of loneliness by being afraid to love and afraid to get hurt. I will not commit figurative suicide by leaving my potential underdeveloped because I am afraid to take risks.

(in reply to dogobedience)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Girls, why did it fail? - 5/27/2006 6:29:28 AM   
cynthiamarie


Posts: 205
Joined: 3/11/2005
From: Bluefield, WV, USA
Status: offline 		Hm, I started as a submissive and never had a Dom...because twice there was failure.
 
I'm not counting the first days I came here and someone snagged me for some simple, D/s roleplay and it threw me into sub frenzy.  Least said about that, the better...when I started typing in 3rd person, as per my instructions, my friends jumped on me and knocked some sense back into my head.  Days later, when the frenzy wore off, I was amazed that I had felt so intensely about a person I knew almost nothing about.  I'm not counting this on my failed list, but had to mention it so more will see how it is for newbies.  And yes, the hundreds of letters per week and over 100 pm's per day was a tremendous overload.  I deleted my profile half a dozen times in the first month and tried to walk away from this.
 
My first failure was in falling in love with someone who loved me only as a friend, and wanted to flirt with me and give him my loyalty.  My cancer is very scary to many people, and often they think they can handle it and then KNOW that they can't later on.  Distance was also a problem.  Anything else that went wrong, other than his knowing that I wasn't the right one for him, I don't know about because he never told me.  I only got the same info everyone else gets.  The more I hear of others who were told the same things, the more special I feel. *Grits teeth, but smiles anyway* 
 
Someone else...I loved a little too late, and the cancer was a major issue as well.  He filled the empty space I had inside of me where a father should have been.  He met his One and married her, and I hear from him now and then.  Not even my best friends remembered my birthday, but he did.  I like him and respect him, but I don't hurt anymore over his deciding not to choose me. 
 
These two men kept me so emotionally tied up during the time I was sub that I couldn't give anyone else a chance...and so have never even been spanked.
 
What makes all the rules different from vanilla at first is that first wave of overwhelming vulnerability that comes with realizing you have a submissive side...it's not a problem of "loving too much" as vanillas call it...that it has a name, and we are set free and have permission to be our true selves and be loved for what we are, and our overwhelming need to give be considered natural and expected.  Many of us were seeking power exchanges in vanilla, and the relationships failed because our love starved to death. 
 
The relationship with the one I fell in love with too fast...is why I stopped exploring my subbie side; I wouldn't want him to know that...but he never comes to the message boards.  I can't slip into sub mode without triggering panic attacks and/or dissociating.  I kept testing myself every month and it's just no way, so that's why I don't bill myself as a switch.
 
Mabye in another year I can trust like that again, but by then I will probably either be with a sweet compatible sub (I get no panic attacks in Domme mode) or else I'll take a break.  There's alwasy sci-fi reading, board games, fishing, and knitting. 
 
I'm hoping for a love thing, but I expect to find it more from a sub than from a Dom. 

(in reply to CanadianGuy)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Girls, why did it fail? - 5/27/2006 6:30:53 AM   
submissiveone45


Posts: 2
Joined: 5/17/2004
Status: offline 		i believe often, a situation "fails" simply because You have two seperate people growing, often as we grow, especially those new to the lifestyle, we find things about ourselves that we want or do not want, things we thought were all important, are suddenly forgotten when a true need becomes known to us.  Each of the persons in the dynamic called "relationship" is growing inside, individually, and suddenly, yes sometimes i suppose in just two weeks time, a person can realize that they are not looking for what they have found.  a slave must know what she seeks before she can judge whether or not she has found it.  it is often the very thing she felt she would never want that she suddenly realizes she must have. 

i suppose this happens more with people who have not been involved in D/s very long, but maybe it is that way with many even "seasoned" Doms/subs, perhaps they go along for years, working their way slowly thru the ranks of the opposites, looking for the same thing time and time again, only to find the same thing, something that does not really bring the happiness they expect, never realizing what they are doing. 

i have been in the lifestyle 3 1/2 years, 18 months owned, one owner.  For that 18 months He was the ONE.  it must be that way in order for me to serve.  if i am spending time with a Dom, during that time, he is the ONE.   It is necessary for that mindset for me to be able to serve completely during those times, to trust, to get my head where it needs to be to serve well.  To me there can be many, for temporary service times, but that person has 100% of my focus during that time.

(in reply to dogobedience)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Girls, why did it fail? - 5/27/2006 6:37:31 AM   
puella


Posts: 2457
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		Firstly, I just want to thank those of you who offered up kindness so easily.  (Perhaps Blanche DuBois had a nugget of wisdom in her maxim).

My response to the question was framed as it was because, in my opinion, it is the only portion of the failure that I am entitled to comment upon.. it is my portion.

Sure there are lots of parts to a failure, and some of them are not mine.  Those are for their owners to comment upon.

I failed.  I failed him, and that is a fact or I would still be with him.  It doesn't mean that I didn't give 100% for him.. you can give all that you are and still fail, still not be enough.

It doesn't mean that I took him or what he meant to me for granted.  I come from a background of parents who lived in 'true love' together, from beginning to end.  I am the product of true love. I know what that is.. I know what it takes to survive, and that is a commitment to it everyday.. an actual conscious feeding of that love every day.. the choice to revere it every day.  You can do that and still fail, again you can only 'manage' your portion... he will always be that person for me, and he knows that.. it doesn't change the fact that to him, I failed.

You do not have to be naive or new or even deluded by romantic ideals to put yourself in a 'true love' relationship.  I am hardly young, I have been through the mill and taken some pretty hard knocks and simply chosen not to be jaded.  That was a choice.  Even with the loss of him, I am not jaded.  I won't serve again, but I have just as much enthusiasm about the concept of love as I did previously.  Having said that... even in a state of openness or willingness  you can fail.  I did.

I guess what I probably could have tried to say better before is that...  'true love' (which is what I would equate to finding the One) can happen, and even when found does not mitigate the very real possibility of losing that person. There are many facets to failure, and sometimes, even knowing what you have and giving everything you have to make it work is not enough.  Though it is painful to contemplate, let alone to live with, sometimes, the fact of the matter is, even at 100% you are just not enough.

I also feel, that does not take anything away from the wonders of the person you recognize as your One.. I very much doubt anything could, either in happiness or loss.

(in reply to dogobedience)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Girls, why did it fail? - 5/27/2006 7:07:53 AM   
Lidh2l


Posts: 74
Joined: 5/22/2006
Status: offline 		We think you have a good head on your shoulders, puella.  If you ever want to get to know some crazy people who have had their own share of hurt in Kansas, drop us a line.

Moving on.  He is going to be be brutally honest for a moment and will probably piss someone off really soon--
He says:  "Advice is great.  Like that song about sunscreen says, advice is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it clean, and recycling it for more than it was worth.  But advice can only get you so far.  In my experience, advice can hinder just as much as it can help unless you apply some UNcommon sense to it.  Let's be honest, common sense isn't that common.  Basically, my point is, self improvement is really the only fool-proof way to ensure that you eventually find your ONE (God I hate putting that in caps, but whatever).  If you improve your perception, you will spot flaws sooner.  If you improve your self-image, you can take criticism better.  If you improve you empathy, you will be able to give better, less harmful (or more, if that's your goal) criticism.  Basically, the only consistent feature of every one of your failed relationships is you.  Improve that factor, and your success rate will go up.  I fully expect to be flamed now, but nobody else was saying it (except for puella... kinda), so I did."

She really thinks he's an asshole, so don't take it out on her.

She says: "Life is a journey, there are hills and vallys.  I would not give up on finding your true love yet, he is likely still out there, you just have not met him yet, or perhaps you have and the spark just has not caught.  Life is funny that way, we often find our heart's desire when we are not even looking for it.  I am slightly concerned about the downcast tone of your post, so as Bujold said, 'The one thing that you cannot trade for your heart's desire is your heart.'  Do not let your heart leave you as you grieve and heal from what has happened, and I swear that one day you will find that special someone that will replace and be better than that which you have lost."

And if you don't perk up we are going to come collar you.  *2 grins*

< Message edited by Lidh2l -- 5/27/2006 7:15:13 AM >

_____________________________

I want a lover I don't have to love,
I want a girl who's to sad to give a fuck...
I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk
--Bright Eyes, Lover I Don't Have to Love

(in reply to puella)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Girls, why did it fail? - 5/27/2006 7:31:33 AM   
TwistedHumour


Posts: 5
Joined: 5/12/2006
Status: offline
quote:

I failed.  I failed him, and that is a fact or I would still be with him.  It doesn't mean that I didn't give 100% for him.. you can give all that you are and still fail, still not be enough...

I am hardly young, I have been through the mill and taken some pretty hard knocks and simply chosen not to be jaded.  I won't serve again, but I have just as much enthusiasm about the concept of love as I did previously.


On your first point, I must repectfully disagree.  All anyone can do is give 100%.  More than that is beyond anyone's ability to provide.  No matter how much you might want to provide something, if it is beyond your capabilities, it is just that, nothing more.  You have not failed.

On the second point, you may not think so, but you are still so very young.  There is time for you to heal and find your heart's  desire.

(in reply to puella)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Girls, why did it fail? - 5/27/2006 8:13:03 AM   
HCWT1


Posts: 161
Joined: 7/7/2005
Status: offline 		The OP wrote,"Girls,why did it fail",a question from a false premise.

My father allways said,"theres no such thing as failure",and of cause he was wright.Take the term,"The dike failed",oh no it didnt,it was overwhelmed by a series of factors that it was not desinged to handle,usually mistakes,made by the desingner befor the dike was built.

Relationships are much the same.

What there are,is a series of miscalculations on the part of one,or both of the people involved.These are usually created as a result of insecurity,immaturity, being blinded by emotion.

If said perons were to start with the right exspectations,keep thir mindes clear,and not get caught up in frailties that we all have,then thir path would be a lot smoother.(Easier said than done a know).



(in reply to Lidh2l)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Girls, why did it fail? - 5/27/2006 8:42:50 AM   
vanillarella


Posts: 3
Joined: 1/12/2006
Status: offline 		I think I found a 'One' online three years ago. I call him the '800 names Master'. Now , I just speak with Masters online. If I speak with a thousand of them I think that 80% of the time Ive probably been  with him. :)

(in reply to HCWT1)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Girls, why did it fail? - 5/27/2006 9:17:15 AM   
truesub4u


Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

My first relationship failed with Master because I was a lousy submissive.. so I killed him. I had the right heart.. but the wrong attitude and I just didn't care about him as a person and that bugged him. Not to beat myself up too much, I was very honest about the whole thing.. but he wanted what he couldn't have.. something I didn't have in me, at that time, to give. ::shrugs::

The second relationship failed because the guy was a lousy dominant who turned out to be a pretty good submissive later on. Our dumping was mutual.. and I didn't kill that one. ;)



Celeste



BITA!!!!!!!....................lol.....damn girl!.... gotta love your sense of humor.... or bluntly true tatements.... still trying to figure them out....


_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

(in reply to BitaTruble)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Girls, why did it fail? - 5/27/2006 10:02:10 AM   
Fawne


Posts: 462
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaMalinche
(hint. . . try to becomes friends first)


I agree, so much agree.....
 
 
Fawne ( back to the drawing board)

(in reply to LaMalinche)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Girls, why did it fail? - 5/27/2006 10:34:29 AM   
denika


Posts: 619
Joined: 8/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Fawne

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaMalinche
(hint. . . try to becomes friends first)


I agree, so much agree.....
 Fawne ( back to the drawing board)


Becoming friends first is something that gets overlooked in both the BDSM lifestyle as well as  Traditional life. 
I think sometimes in the rush to explore or even in that first lust on meeting sometimes things get lost in translation. Personally I don't understand the consept of casual play partners,(casual as in someone you have known less than a day) but then again, the way I like to play is not something I would trust with just anybody, my life is a bit more valuable than that *S*

There is a lot of pressure on the Dom to be 'Good Enough'  same for the slave/submissive.  That first real, flesh to flesh meeting should be done eye to eye.
I'm sure the right O/one is out there.  

Bita, lol I love your posts, you make me smile every time....  I have 2 acres and a shovel *g*  if any more 'failed' Dom's cross your path, heehee.



denika

(in reply to Fawne)
Profile   Post #: 40
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