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Needing some guidance - 11/18/2011 11:51:15 AM   
CornbreadRed


Posts: 9
Joined: 11/18/2011
Status: offline 		Hi.
Thank You in advance for reading and hopefully responding to this thread. I may sound like a young idiot adolescent girl but I havent really done alot of things with men so my experience is somewhat limited. I wasnt allowed to date in my teens and because of circumstances didnt date in my 20s. Lost my virginity at 35. Dont laugh!

This is a new profile for me because I recently (about 6 weeks now) removed my profile. But I have a question that I would like to ask regarding relationships. Ive always had good experiences with Doms/Masters so I wanted to come to where I feel safe and that will give me better insight than the "regular" sites because you can understand "this" part of me.

Here goes.

I recently (3 weeks ago) met a man that is pretty much vanilla. He's never heard of CM or Fet etc.. but knows some about 'kink"..but not much.
After dinner on our third date we went back to his place (first time there) and we watched some tv etc.. and we kissed some. We havent had sex. We havent discussed anything really, just getting to know each other.

Later on in the evening he showed me some profiles of the women on POF (plenty of Fish where we met). I didnt ask him to do it but he wanted to show some and actually read me some of the letters. He then began to pick apart the women's pics by what is in them. He said often that he couldnt get this one and keep her happy, or that one is use to expensive stuff..etc.. things like that. Then he said he could never afford to keep this one or why would she want me? Well.
I kinda sat them dumbfounded that he did this. Because I thought well what am I chopliver for liking you? Are you settling for me? Maybe I should have said something to him about it but I didnt.
Well later on we talked some more and kissed while on the bed. And you know how things go, he began kissing my breast. In the moment I said oh you like that D cup? He said halfhearted, Well, its alright as he shrugged his shoulders.(and he meant it, not like in a joking maner) I was offended and sat up. That's when he said Oh no.. I mean its ok..
Things stopped for me. We talked the rest of the night but not about the things bothering me. Im sure that was my fault. I should have said something again. I didnt.

We stayed up all night. No sex because I just didnt want to. Slowly I got to where I didnt even want to kiss him now... but I did. I mean, it was nice but my mind couldnt get away from the earlier comments and actions regarding the women etc.

He has alot of the things Im searching for. I was glad that we began dating. I told him some of the things Ive done regarding BDSM. I even said I have some friends even now. He looked oddly at me... and said now he wonders when he sees me chatting with someone if they are kink.. It bothers him. I explained that these people have allowed me to be myself more so than others in my life. I said how they understand me and that Im trying to let him see the real whole me and who I am. He asked me to go on and explain some things and I did.

We kissed more. He wanted sex. I didnt and he altho not happy understood. I stayed the night and he made breakfast. I was very comfortable with him and knowing I was going on vacation up north gave me his leather jacket to wear. I did and I felt secure wearing it. A little high schoolish maybe...lol.. but that's ok at this stage of the game.

I guess Im having some knots in my stomach about us dating. I dont look at him the same after he said some of the things he did.
No real question to ask you. I guess Im rambling but I didnt know how to word a question.
Please help me.

He wants me to leave behind all of whathas helped me even understand who I am. i mean, I removed my profile weeks before I met him because I guess I found what "kink" I am and now Im a little confused.



Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Needing some guidance - 11/18/2011 12:12:33 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Sweetie, I need way more. But my gut tells me, trust your gut.

What does your gut say? Seriously, w/o all the bull shit, what does it say?

Can you get to that?

I would follow that.

I *think* your gut is saying...no fucking way. Am I right?

Only *you * can say.


_____________________________



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RE: Needing some guidance - 11/18/2011 12:14:00 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		You say he has a lot of what you're looking for. I say, he has far more than you're looking for and you might want to look elsewhere. He has a passive aggressive attitude and I have never met anyone that was passive aggressive that wasn't a crazy maker to the unsure, insecure or those not quite comfortable in their own skin. He isn't secure in himself, fills the void with bitterness or insecurity and judges all according to his own lacks.

Because you have been so sheltered or are inexperienced, doesn't mean you don't have wants and needs. You just need to find out what works for you and someone like this only confuses you more. Find people comfortable in their own skin, not a mess like this guy is... even if he can give you a feel good in some manner... and then see how you respond to a man comfortable in his own skin and comfortable with your own. See what a positive response to you is like. You will find where you need to be through the process of finding healthy people to interact with. You can learn from the idiots too... but that isn't the best way to go. You see a red flag or are not comfortable... walk away.

Trust yourself even if you feel inexperienced. You aren't that far off the mark. You knew to feel bad about this guy... go with that!


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No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to CornbreadRed)
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RE: Needing some guidance - 11/18/2011 12:17:14 PM   
Iamsemisweet


Posts: 3651
Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
Status: offline 		OK, so if things he says and does bother you now, it is only going to get worse.  Remember, when people start dating a new person, they are on their BEST behavior.
Sounds like you are wasting your time and need to move on.  

_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

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RE: Needing some guidance - 11/18/2011 12:22:51 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		You want help but you don't have a question... that is a bit of a challenge.

Let me ask you some questions but first make a statement.
You don't really need anyone to validate your feelings, but since you seem to be seeking that, your response to his looking at the pictures along with his commentary makes sense to me.

What is it that you like about this guy?

I don't get that he is doing anything to make you feel like there is a specificity to his liking you. He doesn't seem to be going out of his way to make you feel special. Do you get the idea that he wants to date you, or just wants to date someone? Does he want to have sex with you...or does he just want to have sex?

edit: typo

< Message edited by angelikaJ -- 11/18/2011 12:39:01 PM >

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RE: Needing some guidance - 11/18/2011 12:37:47 PM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		I dunno, I have to agree with Lockit, that he has a passive-aggressive personality issue (just based off what little you've given us here), and that's not something that can usually lead towards a very fulfilling relationship. I think he can probably tell that you're young and inexperienced and you might overlook things that have caused him to have problems with women before.
Someone who sat and picked apart other women in front of me, and then picked me apart like that... I think I would look elsewhere.

Good luck.

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Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica


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RE: Needing some guidance - 11/18/2011 12:42:19 PM   
Hillwilliam


Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline 		I'm trying to figure out why he chose the time when he and you were having 'We Time" to show you pictures and profiles of other women. maybe in some wierd way he was saying "I could have had any of them but I chose you". That's a pretty stupid approach but wtf do I know?

I'm gonna say that if you feel in your gut he isn't 'it' he probably isnt.

Welcome to this side of CM by the way.

_____________________________

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Whoever said "Religion is the opiate of the masses" never heard Right Wing talk radio.

Don't blame me, I voted for Gary Johnson.

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RE: Needing some guidance - 11/18/2011 12:43:57 PM   
loriellen


Posts: 3
Joined: 10/12/2011
Status: offline 		I think that maybe your involvement with BDSM could be intimidating to him, and it is entirely possible he doesn't feel comfortable exploring it. That said, when he was showing you his POF responses, he was probably just trying to show off. He wanted you to know how desirable other women find him.
He wonders if you are engaging in "kink" when he sees you chatting, and that just smacks of insecurity. He asked you to cease involvement and no longer participate in something that you feel has been beneficial to you. He is out of his comfort zone dating you, and seems to be expecting you to conform to what makes him comfortable.
Follow your instincts on this one, my dear.

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Needing some guidance - 11/18/2011 1:00:55 PM   
CornbreadRed


Posts: 9
Joined: 11/18/2011
Status: offline 		I didnt want to give too much information because I think it might cloud your opinions???

Hes a really sweet man. But I dont know what to think. I dont really know what info would be beneficial to this thread to give.

He is:
Divorced, Law Enforcement, grown kids, 4 years from retirement, church, missionary work to Nicaragua every year, nice home, truck, loves all music, loves to cook.. can, garden, stuff like that.
I like doing those things.
Okay.. for instance before our third meet he asked me where I wanted to go to dinner and he gave different ideas based on things we both like. Finally, I just blurted out, Ok look.. Im kinda on the submissive side and youre just gonna have to tell me. I laughed and he said, Restaurant, time, day. Then said if youre late youll get a spanking. ALL that was before I mentioned the BDSM that night. So, I kinda went with it that maybe he had some experience afterall... or maybe doesnt have the "wording" for it. But I found out late that night that he had no idea about things kink. Not the way I guess I do by being on sites etc..and meeting others..having friends.
We like the same things in life. We enjoy doing similar things.. its just this one conversation that has stuck in my head. And the way it made me feel.
I asked him to pull up my profile and do the same thing that he did to the other girls. He pulled it up but said he had nothing to say about it. I asked why he wanted to date me. He said, Because youre pretty. That was the first and only time in three dates he even acknowledged Im pretty. NOT that he needs to say that but geez, youd think he would tell me something positive.
He didnt say things like we have alot in common etc. All he said was because Im pretty. Well. ALL those women were pretty.
I dont know how to sort my feelings. Im trying to be who I am yet in a good way. Now dont take this wrongly. For me, monogamy is right. Im not turning my back on Lifestyle friends who come in all flavours.. Im just in my personal sexual life more reserved to one specific person. And with him, if I can be myself explore openly and get alittle wild.
i just want to find the right One. Know what I mean...?
My guts are all twisted.

(in reply to loriellen)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Needing some guidance - 11/18/2011 1:34:22 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Being in the lifestyle doesn't mean you cannot be monogamous.

Just because you have a lot of things in common, like doing the same things and value the same things, doesn't mean you (they) are healthy or that you are a good fit. If someone shows signs that this guy is showing... and you romanticize about how much you have in common and how wonderful it could be... you are going to have to learn these things the hard way.

Seriously, as confused as you are... do you really want to decide anything? Time out... Use your head and shut down that heart because that heart is about to lead you into a nightmare from the sound of him and what I have seen in men like that. Yet... most young women have to find that out the hard way... most have one of those guys in our PAST... you are just a bit behind on that life learning scale. I hope with some age behind you... you will actually listen where a younger woman wouldn't most often and actually had to be with the bad boy, heart breaker until she lost herself even more.


_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


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RE: Needing some guidance - 11/18/2011 3:39:11 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Bsed on what you've said...I would take a pass on this one. He is not going to get NICER or more attentive as time goes on.

He seems like kind of a jerk, honestly.

Listen to you gut, and your common sense. Should your date insult you, even if it's with lack of praise?

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



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Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Needing some guidance - 11/18/2011 3:44:49 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Personally imo, having met men on POF, he's looking for a little nookie by a pretty gal. 

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Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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RE: Needing some guidance - 11/18/2011 3:49:56 PM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		Hey there OP, and welcome to this side.

First.... don't let your guts get twisted, poppet!

You're in the early stages of a relationship - You've not made any firm commitment to him, so if it turns out that he's not the one for you, or you're not the one for him - where's the harm?

So my first bit of advice, is = "Worry less".

Having read what you've said so far, yeah, he does come over as a bit "awkward" - but I'm not getting major red flags.

So I'd advise you to relax a little, don't expect too much, and give it a try.

Having said that - if at this stage the relationship really is causing you anxiety then - follow your gut.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to CornbreadRed)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Needing some guidance - 11/18/2011 3:59:17 PM   
Iamsemisweet


Posts: 3651
Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
Status: offline 		LOL.  I met my love on POF.  While he may have been" looking for a little nookie from a pretty gal", he is also awesome and I hope we are together for a long, long time.  POF is as good a way to meet potential partners as anywhere else.  Better than some other ways, actually.
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

Personally imo, having met men on POF, he's looking for a little nookie by a pretty gal. 


_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Needing some guidance - 11/18/2011 4:23:17 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline 		It sounds like, other than a few quirks, he is really a nice guy. He seems patient enough to have
not pushed you into having sex, and you felt comfortable enough to spend the night. He even made
you breakfast, and gave you his coat to wear while on vacation. Thats very sweet and thoughtful.

Of course, he seems to be a little insecure, and perhaps a tad possessive too, but that can change.
Along with telling him how all of your kinky friends seem to understand you, you should also be telling
him how his actions made you feel so that he too can get an understanding of who you are.

Enjoy your vacation, and perhaps if you find some time, compose a letter to him explaining everything you have said here.
We cant make you see this fella in any better light. Only he can do that for you.

< Message edited by poise -- 11/18/2011 4:24:31 PM >

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RE: Needing some guidance - 11/18/2011 4:39:50 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CornbreadRed

I didnt want to give too much information because I think it might cloud your opinions???

Hes a really sweet man. But I dont know what to think. I dont really know what info would be beneficial to this thread to give.

He is:
Divorced, Law Enforcement, grown kids, 4 years from retirement, church, missionary work to Nicaragua every year, nice home, truck, loves all music, loves to cook.. can, garden, stuff like that.
I like doing those things.
Okay.. for instance before our third meet he asked me where I wanted to go to dinner and he gave different ideas based on things we both like. Finally, I just blurted out, Ok look.. Im kinda on the submissive side and youre just gonna have to tell me. I laughed and he said, Restaurant, time, day. Then said if youre late youll get a spanking. ALL that was before I mentioned the BDSM that night. So, I kinda went with it that maybe he had some experience afterall... or maybe doesnt have the "wording" for it. But I found out late that night that he had no idea about things kink. Not the way I guess I do by being on sites etc..and meeting others..having friends.
We like the same things in life. We enjoy doing similar things.. its just this one conversation that has stuck in my head. And the way it made me feel.
I asked him to pull up my profile and do the same thing that he did to the other girls. He pulled it up but said he had nothing to say about it. I asked why he wanted to date me. He said, Because youre pretty. That was the first and only time in three dates he even acknowledged Im pretty. NOT that he needs to say that but geez, youd think he would tell me something positive.
He didnt say things like we have alot in common etc. All he said was because Im pretty. Well. ALL those women were pretty.
I dont know how to sort my feelings. Im trying to be who I am yet in a good way. Now dont take this wrongly. For me, monogamy is right. Im not turning my back on Lifestyle friends who come in all flavours.. Im just in my personal sexual life more reserved to one specific person. And with him, if I can be myself explore openly and get alittle wild.
i just want to find the right One. Know what I mean...?
My guts are all twisted.



Ok, yea, just one conversation. A conversation where this man, that regardless of sharing commonalities in hobbies, made a point of showing you a number of women that, for whatever reason, he *couldn't* have a relationship with. Hence your feeling like "chopped liver." I understand being lonely, but are your REALLY lonely enough that you would want to be with someone who essentially told you, "yea, all these other women on POF wouldn't date me, so that's why YOU are here?" Honestly? I would rather live alone the rest of my life than share it with someone like that. But that's how I feel.

That bold part above....you DID mention BDSM, just not by name. A guy who worked in law enforcement and has never heard of it? Really, REALLY unlikely. His reaction by *threatening* you with a spanking says, yea, he knows what it is.

That conversation sticks in your head for a reason. Within the first few dates, he made you feel like shit. Making out with him, he was going through the motions during that, he wasn't paying any attention to you. You could have been any warm hole, he would have been doing the same things. I don't say that to make you feel bad, I really don't. But I want you to look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself, if that is all you are worth. Yes, you got a late start, but that doesn't mean all the "good ones" are gone and now you need to settle for some guy just because you have some thing in common you enjoy doing.

Do you think he is the only man who enjoys doing those things? Not even close. Kink is part of who you are and that's fine, but the problem with this guy isn't whether or not he has any kink experience or knowledge. It is that he has all but told you flat out, "I'm dating you because these other women turned me down."

There IS someone out there who has a nice home, loves music, cooking and gardening and wants to share those things with you. And he is going to share your kink interests as well. You waited until you were 35 to have sex for the first time, this won't take near as long, but you do need to give it some time. Don't let lonliness lead you to a choice you will regret. That conversation is sticking in your head for a reason. Listen to your gut, and cut this guy loose to move on to better opportunities.

(in reply to CornbreadRed)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Needing some guidance - 11/18/2011 5:06:08 PM   
ricken


Posts: 261
Joined: 1/11/2010
Status: offline 		Sometimes, when people are very shy can act strange, socially awkward, I get that. This guy sounds like he has some issues.
BUT...If someone is kissing on me and I ask "do you like it?" and got that kind of reply you did, I would be so outa there.
I got to agree with IAMSEMISWEET, people start out with their best and if this is it, your in for a mess....

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Needing some guidance - 11/18/2011 5:27:31 PM   
HeatherMcLeather


Posts: 2559
Joined: 5/21/2011
From: The dog house
Status: offline 		I would have gone home when he <or in my case she > started with the profiles. It smacks of some serious self-esteem issues and a lot of anger/resentment issues as well. None of the women just didn't like him, they were all too materialistic, too high maintenance and so on. It seems that in his mind its all their fault they didn't date him. Remember, the flip side of "she's too expensive" is "I'm too cheap."

Anyway, if I'd had a date like that with some girl, I'd be looking for somebody to date.

(in reply to CornbreadRed)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Needing some guidance - 11/18/2011 5:29:36 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		Ok, sometimes guys are weird and they say and do things that aren't really fathomable to women. I do think though, that you could tell if he was just socially awkward and needed some fine tuning, or if these quirks were a deeper indication of traits that won't work for you.

You offered an explanation of why he works for you in kind of external ways. How he'd fit with you and what you are looking for. But we all know how well people or things can fit without being the right thing. He doesn't strike me as being the one you can trust and give your all to, he seems to fit but not all the way. You're not sold on him, you're not exactly sure why, but you're not. I think having a whole bunch of things adding up in the what you're looking for checklist is actually throwing you off here, because all of those checks aren't adding up to you seeing a green light.

Here's what I would do. Go out with him again, make sure it's a type of thing where you won't be alone and therefore have the pressure of being intimate. Date him. Plan an activity, go bowling, see a football game, go see the Christmas decorations downtown, or test the new holiday coffee flavors at Starbucks. Get out of your comfort zone and plan something fun where you'll be out in public with him where you can get to know him better and see if your first feelings of discomfort carry though or become more of a background noise. The public aspect will push the physical aspect of things back so you can get a better feel for his character. Intimacy sometimes clouds things so that we don't see clearly. Make sure he knows his time with you is limited to this activity and then say good bye.

Repeat as many times as you need to further develop your snapshot of his personality and you'll know what to do after a while. My feeling is that he's not the right person for you and that's what you were picking up on before. So give yourself time and space and a way to figure out if that is true or not.

(in reply to CornbreadRed)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Needing some guidance - 11/18/2011 6:34:14 PM   
CornbreadRed


Posts: 9
Joined: 11/18/2011
Status: offline 		wow. All this advice is helping me think about lots of different ays of thinking.

On our first date we met for dinner, walked thru the Mall, then he said he wanted to spend more time with me. I suggested going to the lake. He liked te dea and we stopped for bread to feed the ducks. It was all alot of fun. N pressure because it was all public activities. What was suppose to just be dinner turned into about 6 hours talking and doing stuff.
The next date, I had made plans to help with the Fall Festival in our lil town after working on Halloween. I invited him to meet me there. Said he didnt think he could attend. I said that's ok, no expecations but when I looked up from doing stuff He was standing there smiling at me. It was really great. After the festival was over he helped me clean up stuff and then we sat down and chatted a bit. He wanted to go to dinner a Moe's. Itwas fun. fterward, he said we could just talk some more. I said I would invite him home but  dont feel that is a good thing right now being its our second date. He agreed.
Third date, dinner and an invite to watch tv at his place. That's where the storylin picks up. They were all wonderful times.. itsjust that 20 minutes or so with the computer that threw me off track. I kept thinking its just wrong.

I agree that the otherside of "them" being expensive is the Im cheap to him and affordable. And if he feels like that now, it will probably get worse.
:(
Thank you all for the input. Im going to rest on it an take a few days to think about it.
Another thin, he hasnt contacted me in the last few days. Ive been out of town but home now and I tried chatting with him but no answer, no call, no email, no txt.
Maybe he gave ME an answer??? LOL..Maybe I will take his jacket and leave it on his porch?? I dont know.

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 20
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