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Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/20/2011 5:34:37 PM

Baroana

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Joined: 11/13/2011
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I admit that am starting this thread in order to bitch, moan, complain, and vent frustration. At the same time, however, I am hoping to obtain some words of wisdom from all the smart folks on here.

I am going to try to do this without generalizations, name-calling, or other off-putting player hater behavior. I am going to speak in specifics only.

Since I returned to this site a month or so ago, I've had a handful of interesting sub men approach me on this site. They sent rather nice messages, and I wrote back. We ended up chatting online and/or chatting on the phone. Things went well, and we discussed possibly meeting sometime in the near future. Then, each of them abruptly disappeared.

Is it me, or does this happen consistently to dommes? I do not mean to imply that sub men are the only people that engage in such behavior. However, they are the group of interest to me.

< Message edited by Baroana -- 11/20/2011 5:40:09 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/20/2011 5:42:21 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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This is incredibly consistent behavior. They also POOF after initial meetings.

I figure two things: first, they are chickenshit. second, that they're just not that into me. It has to be one or the other, or both.

Mostly I think that self identified sub males are no such thing. They might be submissive at some point in their lives, but mostly they are fetishists, bottom players, and guys looking for a hot bit of fun. There is nothing wrong with any of those things, but it's hard to fit someone else's fantasy right out of the gate. So, we are dismissed without explanation.

Does that sound cynical? Really, I think it's the facts of the situation. Femdoms are objectified without apology. We exist to be that magical creation, and after the orgasm, our usefulness is over.

There are some EXCEPTIONAL men on the boards here, and they are often mocked because we flutter after them...but honestly, they deserve all the attention they get! It's almost a RELIEF to run across someone funny, intelligent, and reliable!

Ah, venting! Thanks for the chance. And welcone to the cadre of bad mean evil sub male bashing women!

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RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/20/2011 5:43:05 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
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I'm not a Domme, it's something I have heard them complain about quite often. It happens across the board, however, it seems to me, that perhaps it happens a bit more often to Dommes with submissive men doing the disappearing. I don't know why, maybe someone else has some information on why that is. It's frustrating, you think someone would have the guts to say 'this isn't working for me' before they go. Sorry you've had some bad experiences.

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Post #: 3

RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/20/2011 5:45:47 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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It's hard to reject someone, though. Isnt it easier to just...evaporate? Yes, it demeans the entire process that much more, that even the initial stages of friendship are so disposable, but it makes it easier to let it go and not have any expectations.

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RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/20/2011 5:46:02 PM

MistressDarkArt

Posts: 5178
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I doubt it's you, Baroana. They're probably married. Next! Good luck, and welcome to the boards!

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Post #: 5

RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/20/2011 5:47:59 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
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There are a lot of reasons that this can happen, including something about us that runs them off. Some aren't into us... some are scared... some got caught by the wife... some just talked in hopes of getting a little fun and on and on.

The place I am most comfortable is... they didn't matter enough to have any heartache over it and I am glad it happened so quickly. I examine the conversation where I feel I might need to, always wanting to see if I might be in error some way, but after that, I let it go and move on to the next. There will always be a next.

It happens. It happens a lot. It happens until it doesn't and you end up meeting, whether it works out or not. Don't get caught up in something you can't own unless you feel you actually did something wrong.

Oh... and they typically come back at you as if nothing happened.

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RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/20/2011 5:50:25 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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Yes they often come back under another screenname!

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RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/20/2011 6:12:10 PM

Baroana

Posts: 1480
Joined: 11/13/2011
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Thank you very much for all your comments so far.

In all fairness, the trouble probably comes from both sides. I should be a great deal more self-assured when I am talking with someone new. If there is one group of men in particular that is turned off by timid or tentative women, it is subs. My confidence seems to decrease the longer I chat with a guy and start to feel as though I am setting up expectations in him. I become concerned that I might not live up to those expectations. Furthermore, I tend to blab too much.

One thing I wonder about is whether I am too impatient. I do not appreciate it when I talk with a guy, we leave things "to be continued," and then I do not hear from him for a week. I consider it rude to remain incommunicado for so long. A man's perception of time seems different, however.

Additionally, do sub men want dom women to actively pursue them? I tend not to email or IM unless they contact me. I do not want to appear overly eager. Furthermore, I want to see them put in the effort to show that they are interested. Do you suppose that they instead interpret that as a lack of interest on my part?

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 8

RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/20/2011 6:14:08 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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It happens to ALL of us. I've had sub women disappear on me as well.

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"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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Post #: 9

RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/20/2011 6:21:16 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
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Honey, trying to figure them out and why one does this or the other does that, will only serve to drive you nuts. The way I see it, whether you make contact or they do, if they are interested, they will show it. You can show it too, but I wouldn't chase it down personally. If I need to be aggressive to get to know someone, I see that as role playing because I am not aggressive until I do know someone. I will not feed into the fantasy of insta-domina, claws out and ready to devour them. If they don't like the gentle side of me... and I do actually have one... then they can't get to the aggressive side of me.

Just last night I heard... I really like when a woman takes control... I really love it when she tells me what to do. I asked: Are you hoping I will tell you what to do? He said: I wish you would.

Yeah right buddy! Our first phone/text conversation and I am supposed to become raging domina... because you like it.

Next!

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

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Post #: 10

RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/20/2011 6:21:58 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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Last week, I had a head exploder moment. There's a sweet guy that I have chatted with on and off, and he popped up in my feed. We exchanged a greeting, and I said, Coffee, yes or no? His response:
Are you asking me out?? ///headdesk///

Yes, they expect to be pursued, and since I have done the pursuing my whole life, I dont have any trouble making the first few moves, but if I don't get a response, or nothing comes from him, I figure he is NOT INTERESTED. Don't even say "hi" for a week? I figure he has moved on, no harm no foul. I have, of course, been chastised for my inattentiveness...

The word for this behavior is passive-aggressive, I think. Whatever the terminology, it's not behavior that *I* find acceptable. I expect a man to be a man, ie an ADULT who has a brain and knows what he wants. I also expect that he understands that I am a dominant, but until we have an agreement, I am not HIS dominant. Alas, that does not fit the fantasy of the dominatrix who is instantly in CHARGE!! The guy who wanted to KNEEL AND KISS MY FEET IN THE STARBUCKS was confused that I was so appalled that he would suggest that. Really? How odd is it that I don't care to be embarrassed by my date?

I do think that confidence is an essential dominant quality. That doesnt have to be arrogance, just knowing what you want and projecting that. It's true that waffling is a turn off. That has to come from you, in whatever way you feel comfortable. Be natural, be strong, be yourself. I think that it also helps to be a little distant at first, at least in your mind. Make them want YOU, not just what you represent.

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RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/20/2011 6:35:23 PM

Baroana

Posts: 1480
Joined: 11/13/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDarkArt

I doubt it's you, Baroana. They're probably married. Next! Good luck, and welcome to the boards!

I'll tell ya, if they are married then there is no hope for me in being able to detect a liar.

I learned the hard way to always ask that question outright the moment we start talking.

(in reply to MistressDarkArt)

Post #: 12

RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/20/2011 6:38:30 PM

Baroana

Posts: 1480
Joined: 11/13/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

It happens to ALL of us. I've had sub women disappear on me as well.

I know that it must happen to everybody from time to time. I just was wondering whether there is some quality particular to sub males that makes this happen so much . . . I mean, you know, without accusing every sub male out there of being a phony and a flake . . . (even though sometimes I start to think that they are).

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 13

RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/20/2011 6:40:40 PM

Baroana

Posts: 1480
Joined: 11/13/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

I will not feed into the fantasy of insta-domina, claws out and ready to devour them. If they don't like the gentle side of me... and I do actually have one... then they can't get to the aggressive side of me.

Can I quote that in my profile?

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 14

RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/20/2011 6:45:57 PM

Baroana

Posts: 1480
Joined: 11/13/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Yes, they expect to be pursued, and since I have done the pursuing my whole life, I dont have any trouble making the first few moves, but if I don't get a response, or nothing comes from him, I figure he is NOT INTERESTED. Don't even say "hi" for a week? I figure he has moved on, no harm no foul. I have, of course, been chastised for my inattentiveness...

Very interesting, LadyHibiscus. I'll give this matter some thought and determine what to do next.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I also expect that he understands that I am a dominant, but until we have an agreement, I am not HIS dominant. Alas, that does not fit the fantasy of the dominatrix who is instantly in CHARGE!! The guy who wanted to KNEEL AND KISS MY FEET IN THE STARBUCKS was confused that I was so appalled that he would suggest that. Really? How odd is it that I don't care to be embarrassed by my date?

. . . Make them want YOU, not just what you represent.

Again, can I quote that in my profile?

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 15

RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/20/2011 6:48:05 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

You are welcome to quote me! The women who read you will enjoy it!

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RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/20/2011 6:59:23 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Baroana

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

I will not feed into the fantasy of insta-domina, claws out and ready to devour them. If they don't like the gentle side of me... and I do actually have one... then they can't get to the aggressive side of me.

Can I quote that in my profile?

Go for it. lol

As for asking them if they are married... the married ones can lie very easily to you, after all, they are most often lying to the woman they claimed to love. I found that a lot of attached men, look for someone out of state. They never plan to get serious, just want you to think they will be and by keeping it far from home, they can play longer. So... as much as I have enjoyed a bit of play... I don't go there until we meet and even then it isn't a rush to play. I had one that talked to me for a good seven months before we met in person. He broke up with his the week before he was to come stay for a week. He didn't plan on getting involved and actually caring for me! lol There was another that was married, covered his tracks and I found out when I said no more and he caused me a bit of trouble. His wife and a few of his ex's became friends of mine. So something good came of it. lol

Pay attention to when they can talk... how they communicate... and personally, I make sure I can call them whenever I want now that I have been through it and I tend to keep it close to home. If I suspect they are attached... my gut is most often right (I did wonder at some point, with both the men above) and trust is not something that will be there from that point on. If I suspect... something is missing. I give them a chance to talk about that and depending on that, whether they are gone or not. I do find out. You live and learn. I don't mind staying single much longer and even being wrong at some point... because getting wrapped up in someone that can never be or when the wife contacts you, its ugly. No thanks. I will miss one maybe... but... its better than the alternative.

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No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

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Post #: 17

RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/20/2011 7:07:10 PM

Baroana

Posts: 1480
Joined: 11/13/2011
Status: offline

Thanks! Updating profile now . . .

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Post #: 18

RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/20/2011 7:14:17 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Baroana
I'll tell ya, if they are married then there is no hope for me in being able to detect a liar.

I learned the hard way to always ask that question outright the moment we start talking.

Me too! I met a sub & we were talking away and getting along well. I say "Okay, let's make plans for our next meet" and he says "We can't meet at my place." "Oh really?" and he says "I have a wife and four kids." NEXT!!!!!

As for guys just....disappearing....Poof!! Sometimes they just do that. I figure either they weren't that into me as a person, they were married, something better came along, or whatever. Regardless of which it was, there will always be more subs and, if any of the above are the case, I'm probably better off w/o him anyway.

NBMG

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RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/20/2011 7:18:58 PM

Baroana

Posts: 1480
Joined: 11/13/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NiceButMeanGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: Baroana
I'll tell ya, if they are married then there is no hope for me in being able to detect a liar.

I learned the hard way to always ask that question outright the moment we start talking.

Me too! I met a sub & we were talking away and getting along well. I say "Okay, let's make plans for our next meet" and he says "We can't meet at my place." "Oh really?" and he says "I have a wife and four kids." NEXT!!!!!

Argh! I've so been there.

(in reply to NiceButMeanGirl)

Post #: 20

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