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RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/20/2011 9:18:15 PM

lthrpup

Posts: 125
Joined: 4/28/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Baroana
Additionally, do sub men want dom women to actively pursue them? I tend not to email or IM unless they contact me. I do not want to appear overly eager. Furthermore, I want to see them put in the effort to show that they are interested. Do you suppose that they instead interpret that as a lack of interest on my part?

If there is a sub man whose profile you like, let him know you are interested rather than wondering... if he is wondering... if you're interested. I've received messages as brief as "tell me more." It came from someone who was at least potentially compatible, so I responded. I put in effort--but in response to an opening by a dominant woman. I can't speak for all sub men, but I think being approached is exciting and I don't expect a woman to pursue so much as initiate.

Regarding response time: within a day or two, otherwise there should be some acknowledgement of the delay.

And unexplained disappearances: I've had a couple of cmail conversations abruptly come to an end. The cmail page indicated my last messages were read, so I figured my correspondent ruled me out for one reason or another. I did not bother them with any follow-ups because the ball was in their court and I assumed they were not playing an email version of hard to get.

I have responded to first messages with thanks but not enough in common, distance too great, just not interested. After email conversations, I always send something along the lines of well it's been nice talking but... I like to give some kind of closure for the sake of courtesy. Unfortunately, the internet makes it too easy to be impolite. When someone just doesn't reply without wrapping up an exchange it leaves you hanging.

(in reply to Baroana)

Post #: 21

RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/20/2011 9:24:38 PM

DianeB269

Posts: 1596
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline

I've had a few no shows....

(in reply to Baroana)

Post #: 22

RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/21/2011 5:44:07 AM

SadisticMs2

Posts: 203
Joined: 8/10/2011
Status: offline

And while we're at it....

What's with the repeated "hello how are you" emails LOL Really. I *get* that you're trying to get my attention, but just like in any other social situation - say something interesting that will lead to a conversation!

(in reply to DianeB269)

Post #: 23

RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/21/2011 6:20:10 AM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Baroana

I should be a great deal more self-assured when I am talking with someone new. If there is one group of men in particular that is turned off by timid or tentative women, it is subs. My confidence seems to decrease the longer I chat with a guy and start to feel as though I am setting up expectations in him. I become concerned that I might not live up to those expectations.

Yeah, this could definitely be a problem. Frankly, it's one of the things that I like least in a Domme. IMO, if she claims to be dominant, then I expect her to be self-assured and show the capacity to lead. If she is shy, or doesn't seem to know what she wants, then I begin to question whether she is truly dominant.

I know that this may be unfair, but if I am meeting someone for the first time, I am going to make judgements about her, just as she is going to make judgements about me. That's just how human interactions go.

quote:

I do not appreciate it when I talk with a guy, we leave things "to be continued," and then I do not hear from him for a week. I consider it rude to remain incommunicado for so long.

Then why leave things "to be continued"?

You may want to try dictating when he will call or write to you again. I think most sub men are actually looking for a sign of dominance, and giving them specific instructions will provide that sign, without being too over-the-top.

I hate it when I meet one of those Insta-Dommes who says, "On your knees, Bitch! Worship your Goddess!!" on the very first meeting. However, I do enjoy seeing some sign of dominance. So a simple statement like "Write to me tomorrow between 6:00-7:00PM. I will be watching the time stamp on your message, so don't disappoint me on such a simple request." By saying something like that, you now know exactly when the sub is going to write to you, rather than sitting around waiting and feeling like he's flaked out on you. Moreover, you've shown a first glimpse of dominance, which most male subs are secretly (or not so secretly) waiting to see. Also, you've now given him a very simple test to show whether he can obey your orders. If he can't obey such a simple command, then what makes you think he's going to obey when you command him to come shovel your snow or clean your garage?

While some may disagree with my proposed approach, I think it leaves you more in control than you would be if you simply waited for the sub to write or call. And isn't that what D/s is really all about; control?

quote:

Additionally, do sub men want dom women to actively pursue them?

This is a tough question. We've had quite a few conversations on the boards about this topic. Some Dommes want to be pursued, while others prefer to do the pursuing. This makes it somewhat confusing for male subs.

In the vanilla world, men are supposed to do the pursuing. However, in a femdom situation, who is should do the pursuing? IMO, it should be the woman. After all, she is the one who is in charge. However, there is no universal agreement on this. That's where the problem lies.

IMO, the woman should lead. After all, it's a F/m relationship. Personally, it feels weird to me to have to initiate everything in the early phase of the relationship, but then relinquish that control at some unknown point once the relationship is underway. If I am forced to take the lead in pursuing her, it makes me feel like I am "topping from the bottom".

I don't think that many Dommes understand how confusing it can be for a male sub when you seek to have him pursue you. It places him back in the aggressor role (which is also the dominant role) that he would play in a vanilla courting situation. He is initiating everything, and he is dictating how things progress. Do you see how this might be confusing for him? It's particularly confusing if he is a "twue sub" who fully wants to yield control and to follow YOUR leadership and guidance.

I guess that if you're the one in charge, it is your right to dictate that he pursue you. But that seems like an inherent contradiction to me.

< Message edited by Rochsub2009 -- 11/21/2011 6:27:30 AM >

(in reply to Baroana)

Post #: 24

RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/21/2011 6:25:26 AM

PeonForHer

Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

I've received messages as brief as "tell me more." It came from someone who was at least potentially compatible, so I responded.

The only cmails I've had from women (if they were indeed women) that have contained just the words 'tell me more' have been from 'bait and switchers' - pro-dommes or outright hoaxers pretending to be lifestylers, I'm afraid.

The last time someone wrote to me saying only 'tell me more', I replied with just the word 'No'. Pfft. I figured that if she was kosher, she'd react, and *then* we could have a proper conversation.

< Message edited by PeonForHer -- 11/21/2011 6:27:55 AM >

_____________________________

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(in reply to lthrpup)

Post #: 25

RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/21/2011 6:37:32 AM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi
I'm not a Domme, it's something I have heard them complain about quite often. It happens across the board, however, it seems to me, that perhaps it happens a bit more often to Dommes with submissive men doing the disappearing.

When it comes to no-shows, all genders are guilty, and it happens on both sides of the kneel. I recently mentioned in another thread that I had a potential Domme do a "no-show" on our first meeting last week.

IMO, there is a large segment of the population on CM who FANTASIZE about BDSM and D/s, but they have never actually taken the first step towards making their fantasy into a reality. They've never gone to a munch. They've never attended a play party. They've never actually engaged in a D/s relationship.

When the opportunity to actually meet a real-life person presents itself to these fantasizers, they often get scared and simply "no-show".

Typing anonymously on a message board is easy. But to some, actually getting out and meeting someone is hard. It means making themselves vulnerable, and to some people, that is the scariest thing of all.

< Message edited by Rochsub2009 -- 11/21/2011 6:59:01 AM >

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 26

RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/21/2011 6:41:01 AM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

The last time someone wrote to me saying only 'tell me more', I replied with just the word 'No'. Pfft. I figured that if she was kosher, she'd react, and *then* we could have a proper conversation.

That's an interesting approach, Peon. I'm going to assume that you never hear from most of them again after you send your "No" message.

(in reply to PeonForHer)

Post #: 27

RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/21/2011 6:50:37 AM

PeonForHer

Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

The last time someone wrote to me saying only 'tell me more', I replied with just the word 'No'. Pfft. I figured that if she was kosher, she'd react, and *then* we could have a proper conversation.

That's an interesting approach, Peon. I'm going to assume that you never hear from most of them again after you send your "No" message.

I think I've only ever had a couple of 'tell me mores' altogether. But, with a bit of experience checking those profiles . . . well, you know how it is. Bait and switchers are usually pretty obvious. If a femdom were to looked kosher from her profile, I'd respond to her 'Tell me more' with something like 'About what? There's so much I could say!' - or similar. In general I've not found it worth the effort to respond to just a few words with a lengthy reply.

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com

(in reply to Rochsub2009)

Post #: 28

RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/21/2011 6:57:59 AM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

In general I've not found it worth the effort to respond to just a few words with a lengthy reply.

I agree. If she can't take the time to formulate a meaningful question or message, then why should I take the time to formulate a meaningful response.

(in reply to PeonForHer)

Post #: 29

RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/21/2011 7:33:30 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

Would one of you like to go onto my profile and respond to my latest sets of cmails? Pleeeeze? Because

_____________________________

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(in reply to Rochsub2009)

Post #: 30

RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/21/2011 7:57:09 AM

searching4mysir

Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline

FR

I've had similar problems as a female sub. Yesterday I had a "dom" email me with "hi sub, I like ur profile and interesting in getting to know each other so maybe i can make u into my sub. Let me know if you are interested."

These are the first words on my profile: COLLARED, OWNED AND CHERISHED....NO LONGER SEARCHING. How can he possibly like my profile if he hasn't even read the first 8 words of it?

Before I was collared I also had doms just disappearing...one time after we had planned for me to visit to meet him (he lived at a distance).

I think it is the nature of the internet for both sides of the kneel.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 31

RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/21/2011 8:26:11 AM

tj444

Posts: 7574
Joined: 3/7/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009
They've never gone to a munch. They've never attended a play party.

I did not realize those were requirements.. I have no interest in munches or play parties.. what others do is their business but it doesnt make it what i want in my D/s relationship.. or imo, in meeting a guy i want to be in one with.. just sayin..

I have had no shows (from when i was on vanilla sites) but I think a few of them were married.. I have not met many Doms from this site but so far they all did show up.. Imo, you have to meet fairly quickly or the poof thing can happen.. and i think many times i am the poofer..

_____________________________

As Anderson Cooper said “If he (Trump) took a dump on his desk, you would defend it”

(in reply to Rochsub2009)

Post #: 32

RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/21/2011 9:38:51 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

Regarding the munches & play parties thing... it all gets back to the LEAVING THE COMPUTER. On the other site, just like here, there is much whinging about how there's no one to play with/meet/fuck. Really? If it were easy to meet people, there would not be this giant proliferation of internet dating sites. It's HARD to meet people. Going to the places where there are likely to be people shows some degree of proactivity.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to tj444)

Post #: 33

RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/21/2011 10:20:34 AM

lthrpup

Posts: 125
Joined: 4/28/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

quote:

I've received messages as brief as "tell me more." It came from someone who was at least potentially compatible, so I responded.

The only cmails I've had from women (if they were indeed women) that have contained just the words 'tell me more' have been from 'bait and switchers' - pro-dommes or outright hoaxers pretending to be lifestylers, I'm afraid.

My bait and switcher must have been off her (or his?!) game because she never replied :-) First signs of compatibility were similar age and location. Profile was brief but tasteful. I did not invest a large amount of time, only tried to offer a little more about me in a single paragraph. I assumed my response was not intriguing but who knows? "Tell me more" is not a lot to go on, so I did not beat myself up for failing to pass such a nebulous test. (Best wishes anyway, whoever you are... which would have been a nice response to receive in a brush off cmail, btw.)

(in reply to PeonForHer)

Post #: 34

RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/21/2011 10:30:19 AM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tj444

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009
They've never gone to a munch. They've never attended a play party.

I did not realize those were requirements.. I have no interest in munches or play parties.. what others do is their business but it doesnt make it what i want in my D/s relationship.. or imo, in meeting a guy i want to be in one with.. just sayin..

Actually, you are quoting me out of context. My full quote was as follows:

"IMO, there is a large segment of the population on CM who FANTASIZE about BDSM and D/s, but they have never actually taken the first step towards making their fantasy into a reality. They've never gone to a munch. They've never attended a play party. They've never actually engaged in a D/s relationship."

My point wasn't to say that they have to go to munches or play parties. My point was that they have to do SOMETHING to try to turn their fantasies into reality. In other words, get off of the computer and go meet a real-life human being. It doesn't really matter to me what method they use to meet that human being. It doesn't have to be a munch or play party. But find a partner somehow.

Masturbating while imagining being flogged may be enjoyable. But feeling the sting on your back as a REAL Dom/Domme flogs you is even better. Watching porn of someone kneeling before a Dom/Domme may be enjoyable, but actually kneeling before your own Dom/Domme is even better. At least in my opinion. That was the point that I was trying to communicate.

(in reply to tj444)

Post #: 35

RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/21/2011 10:33:16 AM

Baroana

Posts: 1480
Joined: 11/13/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lthrpup

quote:

ORIGINAL: Baroana
Additionally, do sub men want dom women to actively pursue them? I tend not to email or IM unless they contact me. I do not want to appear overly eager. Furthermore, I want to see them put in the effort to show that they are interested. Do you suppose that they instead interpret that as a lack of interest on my part?

If there is a sub man whose profile you like, let him know you are interested rather than wondering... if he is wondering... if you're interested. I've received messages as brief as "tell me more." It came from someone who was at least potentially compatible, so I responded. I put in effort--but in response to an opening by a dominant woman. I can't speak for all sub men, but I think being approached is exciting and I don't expect a woman to pursue so much as initiate.

Great reply, thanks. I should have been more clear. I do not usually refrain from initiating contact with someone that interests me. I was referring just to "waiting for the phone to ring" after we've started corresponding. Often times I do feel that the ball is in their court. Or, maybe it's not so much that as the fact that they tend to start by contacting me enthusiastically, and then sometimes I sense the enthusiasm waning. So I wait for them to contact me in order to not appear needy.

quote:

ORIGINAL: lthrpup

Regarding response time: within a day or two, otherwise there should be some acknowledgement of the delay.

Ok, so a guy agrees with me about that. Thank you!

What about writing to say hello after the last conversation? Do you think that is more the domme's job?

quote:

ORIGINAL: lthrpup

Unfortunately, the internet makes it too easy to be impolite. When someone just doesn't reply without wrapping up an exchange it leaves you hanging.

So true. You would think that submissive guys looking for dominant ladies would try harder to practice impeccable manners.

< Message edited by Baroana -- 11/21/2011 10:34:43 AM >

(in reply to lthrpup)

Post #: 36

RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/21/2011 10:36:31 AM

tj444

Posts: 7574
Joined: 3/7/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus
Regarding the munches & play parties thing... it all gets back to the LEAVING THE COMPUTER. On the other site, just like here, there is much whinging about how there's no one to play with/meet/fuck. Really? If it were easy to meet people, there would not be this giant proliferation of internet dating sites. It's HARD to meet people. Going to the places where there are likely to be people shows some degree of proactivity.

Yes, but that is why i say meeting soon is best.. besides, imo, kill it or cure it.. meet and find out if you even like each other.. emailing forever just builds an unrealistic image of each other..

I am not so bdsm extreme tho so maybe its different for me, i likely could meet a dominant enough man at various other types of non-bdsm venues such as interest groups from meet-ups... I would much rather go someplace where i meet people with the same major interests and make friends, if it turns into more with someone then even better..

_____________________________

As Anderson Cooper said “If he (Trump) took a dump on his desk, you would defend it”

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 37

RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/21/2011 10:40:10 AM

lthrpup

Posts: 125
Joined: 4/28/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

quote:

ORIGINAL: Baroana
I should be a great deal more self-assured when I am talking with someone new. If there is one group of men in particular that is turned off by timid or tentative women, it is subs. My confidence seems to decrease the longer I chat with a guy and start to feel as though I am setting up expectations in him. I become concerned that I might not live up to those expectations.

Yeah, this could definitely be a problem. Frankly, it's one of the things that I like least in a Domme. IMO, if she claims to be dominant, then I expect her to be self-assured and show the capacity to lead. If she is shy, or doesn't seem to know what she wants, then I begin to question whether she is truly dominant.

I have to disagree with Rochsub2009 on this one. I make allowances for different personality types regardless of power orientation. I would take a woman's word for it that she is dominant until she demonstrated through action that she was not. Even if she is shy and hesitant to dictate what she wants, I think it can be natural for a dominant woman to wait for a rapport to develop with a new guy before she necessarily knows what she wants from that guy.

Baroana: From a different point of view, I too worry about living up to expectations. There is probably a limit to how long flirting online can continue before it makes sense to either meet for the proverbial cup of coffee or to consign the relationship to being online friends. Sort of drives home LadyHibiscus's advice about leaving the computer.

(in reply to Rochsub2009)

Post #: 38

RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/21/2011 10:49:56 AM

tj444

Posts: 7574
Joined: 3/7/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

quote:

ORIGINAL: tj444

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009
They've never gone to a munch. They've never attended a play party.

I did not realize those were requirements.. I have no interest in munches or play parties.. what others do is their business but it doesnt make it what i want in my D/s relationship.. or imo, in meeting a guy i want to be in one with.. just sayin..

Actually, you are quoting me out of context. My full quote was as follows:

"IMO, there is a large segment of the population on CM who FANTASIZE about BDSM and D/s, but they have never actually taken the first step towards making their fantasy into a reality. They've never gone to a munch. They've never attended a play party. They've never actually engaged in a D/s relationship."

My point wasn't to say that they have to go to munches or play parties. My point was that they have to do SOMETHING to try to turn their fantasies into reality. In other words, get off of the computer and go meet a real-life human being. It doesn't really matter to me what method they use to meet that human being. It doesn't have to be a munch or play party. But find a partner somehow.

Masturbating while imagining being flogged may be enjoyable. But feeling the sting on your back as a REAL Dom/Domme flogs you is even better. Watching porn of someone kneeling before a Dom/Domme may be enjoyable, but actually kneeling before your own Dom/Domme is even better. At least in my opinion. That was the point that I was trying to communicate.

.. sigh... yes, but i guess my way of getting out isnt going to those events.. they majorly turn me off, actually.. From some posts (not yours particularly), some people do feel its a requirement.. somehow the person isnt really into bdsm unless they go to munches/play parties.. almost like it defines what bdsm is and what it should mean to everyone..

If i am interested in someone from online, i will want to meet fairly quickly.. and any guys from here have been of the same mind so far..

_____________________________

As Anderson Cooper said “If he (Trump) took a dump on his desk, you would defend it”

(in reply to Rochsub2009)

Post #: 39

RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread - 11/21/2011 10:56:51 AM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lthrpup

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

quote:

ORIGINAL: Baroana
I should be a great deal more self-assured when I am talking with someone new. If there is one group of men in particular that is turned off by timid or tentative women, it is subs. My confidence seems to decrease the longer I chat with a guy and start to feel as though I am setting up expectations in him. I become concerned that I might not live up to those expectations.

Yeah, this could definitely be a problem. Frankly, it's one of the things that I like least in a Domme. IMO, if she claims to be dominant, then I expect her to be self-assured and show the capacity to lead. If she is shy, or doesn't seem to know what she wants, then I begin to question whether she is truly dominant.

I have to disagree with Rochsub2009 on this one. I make allowances for different personality types regardless of power orientation. I would take a woman's word for it that she is dominant until she demonstrated through action that she was not. Even if she is shy and hesitant to dictate what she wants, I think it can be natural for a dominant woman to wait for a rapport to develop with a new guy before she necessarily knows what she wants from that guy.

Actually, we don't disagree as much as you might think. I definitely agree that a Domme will know beter what she wants from a guy once they've built a rapport. I also agree that a shy woman can prove to be dominant. However, it is unlikely that a shy woman will prove to be dominant enough for me.

I have a very strong, outgoing personality. I'm a natural leader, and most people assume that I'm a Dom. I'm in charge all of the time in the vanilla world. Because of this, it is easy for my personality to dominate that of a shy person. So I've found that it takes a very dominant personality to inspire/earn my submission. But that's just me, and may not be the case for other male subs.

IMO, searching for a D/s relationship is no different than searching for a vanilla relationship; we're not just looking for someone that's single, but we're looking for someone who is single and right for us.

(BTW, I realize that some of you poly folks may not view being single as an important criterion. But you get my point, so no need to point that out.)

(in reply to lthrpup)

Post #: 40

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