lovepat
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Joined: 11/21/2011
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I'd be interested in knowing your thoughts about the way I am thinking of SM. Bear with me here, please... I do make a point, eventually. LOL
I have some theories about SM. Years ago, I read a book called, "Getting the Love You Want," by Harville Hendrix. He is a psychologist who specializes in couples therapy. The Cliff Notes version is this... IMAGO. It's an unconscious image of our ideal partner - not, a fantasy image, but an unconscious one. The difference is that an IMAGO includes the negative character traits in a partner, that we need to find, in addition to the positive ones. Harville says that the stronger the chemistry between partners, the closer they fit our IMAGO.
To discover your IMAGO, you brainstorm in writing. First, fill a page for a few minutes, with the character traits of your caregivers which are positive. If they were male and female parents, then fill the top half with one's traits and the bottom half with the other's. Then, do the same on a second page, with their negative traits. Go back, and circle any traits that are repeated. For example, nurturing, affectionate, accepting... and selfish, judgmental, angry... Out of those, choose the 3 most compelling traits which are negative and the 3 most compelling traits which are positive. These 6 traits are your IMAGO.
If you do the same exercise using lovers you've had as an adult, you should find a pattern. Again, the stronger the sexual attraction, or even intensity, the closer that person is likely to have been to your IMAGO.
Harville concludes that as adults, we enter into relationships to heal childhood wounds, both ours and those of our partners. Not such a revolutionary concept in and of itself, but here's where it gets interesting, to me.
Say, an avoidance personality shares a relationship with one who smothers. The classic, "he won't talk to me" stuff. He tunes her out, she nags. The more he ignores her, the harder she seeks attention... until the divorce. LOL
Harville says that if they love each other, for him to heal her, he is going to stretch himself beyond his comfort zone and turn around and give her attention. Not as a response, but initiate the attention. For her, she has to back off ... not out of rejection or a sense of futility, but rather, to stretch beyond her own need and just give him space.
The result will be that in reaching beyond one's own needs, to heal a loved one, actually heals the self, too. He posits that the ones we are most attracted to, are the ones who will need most from us, that which is hardest for us to give. And that the reason for that is all about healing.
Still with me? So, take that theory to SM relationships.
It would seem to me that masochists are hard-wired, very young, or if later, through traumatic experiences involving violence and maybe sexual assault. To get back to that place of intense vulnerability, the masochist needs a sadist. This time, however, the masochist has new circumstances around the feelings. First, consent. Second, respected limits. Third, union with the sadist - intense bonding during the rising intensity. Fourth, acceptance of the feelings. And, fifth, and perhaps most importantly - aftercare. (and is aftercare what is most difficult for the sadist to give?)
Conversely, the sadist, is perhaps motivated to find control and to exert an effect that has visible (and audible) results. The sadist is given permission to do what society tells them they are not allowed to do. (given consent) The sadist respects another human's limits (which if they identified with an out of control abuser because the power felt attractive and safe, then they get to take the actions, without any need for shame - essentially, the sadist also consents to giving the other person control over setting the limits). Third, the bonding is the same for the sadist who enters into this energy exchange. Fourth, the sadist's urge to hurt another person is accepted and welcomed. Fifth, in giving aftercare, the sadist is confirmed as a caring and responsible person. This is where there is no longer a dual personality in the sadist... but instead, with each scene, and integration.
Now, I'm assuming that the sadist is NOT an abuser, but rather, a provider of intense experience. An abuser would lack consent, and lack regard for the humanity of the recipient of the violence.
Yes, there are many who do not seek to heal and many who are completely unaware of the psychological potential of sadists as healers.
It does make me wonder, if once healed, do the games continue? But, I have heard a lot so far about how in SM, people can reach a peak and need to move on to someone more, or less, intense. Will you please write to me with your thoughts?
lovepat
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your perspective? - 
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