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RE: Advice Needed. - 12/1/2011 12:50:22 PM   
Whenready


Posts: 319
Joined: 3/5/2009
Status: offline 		Take some painkillers. Stop wingeing. Finish the chores. Man up.

Seriously, though... go see the doc. Do what the doc says.

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Advice Needed. - 12/1/2011 1:02:09 PM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Awareness

  Pffft.  Sounds like yet another woman playing at being dominant without having the faintest fucking idea what that means or the responsibilities it implies.

Anyone can "play at being Dominant," women AND men. Just sayin'......

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Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Advice Needed. - 12/1/2011 2:14:54 PM   
domincalifornia


Posts: 88
Joined: 6/7/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: nightstalker15

Good morning A/all,

I was hoping someone could help me with an issue I seem to be having. I am a very lucky boy to be collared to a wonderful Mistress for going on a year now. We have great compatibility however I find that she doesnt seem to respect some of my limitations. I have at times backspasms that cause me to be unable to do my chores. Ive found some things help with reducing the amount of time Im out of commission or when I feel the trigger comming on however they arent conventional means. My Mistress says that if I'm in pain I should take medication instead of my other methods that work better.

I was wondering if you had any advice on how to communicate that meds dont work as well as a flogging or heavy paddling would. She seems to get rather irate that I cant do my assigned tasks when I have a spasm but doesnt tell me that it bothers her.



I think the best way is to be direct. I'd tell her, "I need to have a serious conversation with you. This is about my medical matters." Then I would tell her what you said here. And I would add, "I need you to respect my medical condition, and accept that I know the best way to treat it, and accept there will be times my medical condition will take precedence over everything else, including your dominance. Is that something you can accept?"

You can couch this in pledges of devotions or whatever, as long as it didn't oscure and detract from the central message you need her to hear.

And if she couldn't accept it, I would leave her.

(in reply to nightstalker15)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Advice Needed. - 12/1/2011 4:55:43 PM   
DameBruschetta


Posts: 116
Joined: 1/10/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: nightstalker15

Good morning A/all,

I was hoping someone could help me with an issue I seem to be having. I am a very lucky boy to be collared to a wonderful Mistress for going on a year now. We have great compatibility however I find that she doesnt seem to respect some of my limitations. I have at times backspasms that cause me to be unable to do my chores. Ive found some things help with reducing the amount of time Im out of commission or when I feel the trigger comming on however they arent conventional means. My Mistress says that if I'm in pain I should take medication instead of my other methods that work better.

I was wondering if you had any advice on how to communicate that meds dont work as well as a flogging or heavy paddling would. She seems to get rather irate that I cant do my assigned tasks when I have a spasm but doesnt tell me that it bothers her.


It seems to me that you two need to communicate better so you are both on the same page (and that there could be more to this that you aren't sharing.)  Its easy to simply say that she isn't respecting you or your limitations - but at the same time depending on how you are communicating all of this it can VERY easily be coming off as a manipulation to get what you want (flogging/heavy paddling.)   My submissive has issues with work related back pain, it tends to run amok in our plans at least once a week.  Its not a big deal for us, I do what I can and I never expect him to do anything he isn't capable of (and more often then now I limit him more then he limits himself.)  It is all about communication though!  If Lucian came up to me and told me he had a back spasm and couldn't do X but it would get better if I flogged him or paddled him I would be seriously questioning motives.  Could I respect the request?  YES, but would it take a longer conversation?  To say the least... 

Your "other methods" mentioned here however from only this simple conversation sound questionable.    If you haven't sat down and had a serious long conversation about how this really helps your back spasms with your Mistress and why this helps versus the other things you have tried I can see your dominant viewing this as an excuse or a way to get what you want (play time instead of chores).  For her, the simple and logical solution is to tell you to do what makes logical sense to her - take your pain medication.  If flogging or heavy paddling does in fact help your back spasms, one should be able to respect that.  On the other side of the coin though, do you see how this sounds well - odd?  If this is your only "other methods" that your approaching her with.. this can so easily be read the wrong way!  To me this sounds like you two need to sit down and talk about what you have tried (pain meds, stretching, physical therapy, etc) what helped and what didn't help and what else you can try.  It might also help for her to attend a doctor's visit with you so that all THREE of you can discuss together what is happening, what can be done and what your options are.  Mostly from what you say here I read this as a massive potential miscommunication.  So often it is easy for us to misinterpret conversations and information and this is a situation where the potential is just so high.

Granted, if you have in fact had a serious conversation involving all of this explanation (with her seeing you making other  medical/holistic efforts  to manage your back spasms) then perhaps its time to re-evaluate if this relationship works for you and if it is time to more on.

(in reply to nightstalker15)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Advice Needed. - 12/1/2011 9:18:44 PM   
Awareness


Posts: 3918
Joined: 9/8/2010
Status: offline 		  Oh look.  A would-be Dominant who's threatened by criticism of her gender.

Fail.


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Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Advice Needed. - 12/1/2011 10:27:58 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		What is the op having a fucking DUH moment. Listen up as Im only gonna say this once. Ultimately your health is YOUR responsibility.

BadOne

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(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Advice Needed. - 12/2/2011 12:29:41 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I'm rather curious about the 'other methods'.  OP, you say that pain killers don't work for you.  I can believe that because I know the same is true for some other folks out there.  Since most medical practitioners aren't recommending that their patients get a good flogging for their pain, what have been the suggestions that you've been given?

What I'm driving at here is, if you weren't collared to your Domme and the flogging on demand wasn't an option to solve the issue, what would you be doing instead?  Yes, your Dominant should be concerned about your health.  At the same time, I can absolutely see how some folks would feel like they were being treated like a service top.  It's just a different kind of service. 

If you took the back spasms out of the equation, you're really left with the sub deciding when play is going to happen.  That may be the problem that your Dominant has with some of this.  The reason for it isn't under the control of either of you, but that's the bottom line that you're left with.  Not especially unlike a sub who has other physical or emotional issues where lack of play puts them out of balance and causes problems within the dynamic because the when or how frequent play happens is no longer in the Dominant's hands.

Meds don't work and the requests for play to solve the spasms is causing strife.  My advice to you is start looking for option three through medical recommendations.  Your Domme will stop feeling put upon and play will return to her control.


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(in reply to nightstalker15)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Advice Needed. - 12/2/2011 4:29:45 AM   
mons


Posts: 2400
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline 		op get a doctor's note, i have those and when it \
happens there is no stopping it, and they can make you
wish you had a shot for it, i agree the meds last only'so long and
they are addicting, talk with her and set her down, your back
is so important working it too hard can be making it worse! 

Mons good luck dear

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Advice Needed. - 12/2/2011 8:50:57 AM   
LordNMasterGrey


Posts: 42
Joined: 11/29/2011
Status: offline 		It will be interesting to see what the OP comes back with in results..

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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Advice Needed. - 12/2/2011 9:02:06 AM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Awareness

  Oh look.  A would-be Dominant who's threatened by criticism of her gender.

Fail.


What about YOUR sexist-posturing? Your comment makes it very clear that you think women know nothing about being Dominants. If it was not meant to be sexist, you would have said "yet another person playing at being dominant without having the faintest fucking idea what that means or the responsibilities it implies," rather than specifiying the gender. No matter how hard you wish and dream, NOT all women will become submissive just to suit you. When you make sexist comments, expect someone to call you on it.

< Message edited by NiceButMeanGirl -- 12/2/2011 9:04:31 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Advice Needed. - 12/2/2011 9:04:21 AM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Awareness

  Oh look.  A would-be Dominant who's threatened by criticism of her gender.

Fail.



Making intentionally inflammatory statements, and then retreating to a self-generated position of smugness doesn't seem like "self-assured" course of action, at least not to me...

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"Obey your Master." Metallica


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Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Advice Needed. - 12/2/2011 9:07:26 AM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep


quote:

ORIGINAL: Awareness

  Oh look.  A would-be Dominant who's threatened by criticism of her gender.

Fail.



Making intentionally inflammatory statements, and then retreating to a self-generated position of smugness doesn't seem like "self-assured" course of action, at least not to me...

IMO he feels his Dominance slipping, else he would not have to lash out and insult others. Kind of like putting down someone else or an entire group of people to make himself look better. Really, it just makes him look bigoted and insecure.

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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Advice Needed. - 12/2/2011 9:17:17 AM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		Hopefully this won't devolve into a "bash on Awareness" thread, but in general, people who bully are bullying because of something about THEM, not something about the victim.

ANYWAY, I hope the OP has some luck in resolving his back issues.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
Your Domme will stop feeling put upon


I wanted to mention something... As usual, this involves my dog. So I do have a dog, who is mine. He's a generally good natured dog who is happy to please and hardly ever gets in trouble. But he's also old. He'll be 11, and he has arthritis. Plus, he gets scared of storms (not so good for a Midwestern dog :p).
Do I feel "put upon" when he needs to move slowly, even though I want him to move quickly? Do I feel "put upon" when it's thundering like nobody's business, and he's cowering and wants me to pet him, and I just want to eat my dinner, or read a book?
No, I don't.

There were some things, where I thought "oh he's just doing that for attention" -- like when he was coughing. Well it turned out he was trying to get attention BECAUSE he had heartworms. :p

Obviously, humans have more choices and responsibilities than a dog has. My dog can't get his own food or water, he can't let himself out to go potty -- a human can do that. But as my dog's owner, I'm responsible for many of his needs no matter how inconvenient they may be to me. That's part and parcel of the whole "experience." I get a great companion who will flip out and defend me with his life, who'll sit next to me when I'm sad, who'll sit, roll over, talk, and high-five on command. But I have responsibilities, too. If I want him to execute his tricks in the middle of a thunderstorm, that would be a bad move. It'll never happen.

If I felt "put upon" when he needed something, I'd feel like a bad person.


< Message edited by LillyBoPeep -- 12/2/2011 9:18:44 AM >

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica


(in reply to NiceButMeanGirl)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Advice Needed. - 12/2/2011 9:17:46 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		The more Awareness attempts to flex his dominant muscles, the less a female will feel like genuflecting to him. Well, okay, an intelligent, emotionally healthy female.

For the OP, I really liked this advise (below), and I urge you to follow it. Someone who will not respect limits when it comes to your health is someone who is not good for you. Not great news I am sure, but as someone else said: You are responsible for your own health. If your dominant is not taking your health seriously, you have only one choice: leave.

quote:

I think the best way is to be direct. I'd tell her, "I need to have a serious conversation with you. This is about my medical matters." Then I would tell her what you said here. And I would add, "I need you to respect my medical condition, and accept that I know the best way to treat it, and accept there will be times my medical condition will take precedence over everything else, including your dominance. Is that something you can accept?"

You can couch this in pledges of devotions or whatever, as long as it didn't oscure and detract from the central message you need her to hear.

And if she couldn't accept it, I would leave her.


Best, Chatte


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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Advice Needed. - 12/2/2011 9:27:15 AM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep


quote:

ORIGINAL: Awareness

  Oh look.  A would-be Dominant who's threatened by criticism of her gender.

Fail.



Making intentionally inflammatory statements, and then retreating to a self-generated position of smugness doesn't seem like "self-assured" course of action, at least not to me...


LBP,

I wouldn't pay much attention. He's on moderation or just come off. Looks like he is searching for another trip there.

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Advice Needed. - 12/2/2011 9:31:21 AM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		I agree totally with most of what you said.

However, there is still a serious communication problem here, based on what the OP is saying. Even if his domme does feel he is trying to control play, her response of "Take pain meds," is inappropriate. While there are some medications that I think any dominant should be "forceful" about their sub taking (BP, diabetes, cholesterol, anti-depressants when prescribed, etc.), pain meds should never be "demanded" to be taken by someone when they have already stated they don't work.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Advice Needed. - 12/2/2011 9:39:54 AM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt
The more Awareness attempts to flex his dominant muscles, the less a female will feel like genuflecting to him. Well, okay, an intelligent, emotionally healthy female.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady
I wouldn't pay much attention. He's on moderation or just come off. Looks like he is searching for another trip there.

I'd have to agree with ALL of the above quotes.

_____________________________

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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Advice Needed. - 12/2/2011 9:51:05 AM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		(I don't think it's terribly fair to bash on Awareness while he can't respond...)

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica


(in reply to NiceButMeanGirl)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Advice Needed. - 12/2/2011 9:52:04 AM   
Politesub53


Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		No matter.


I just read lillybopeep`s post, so I will hush.

Not a peep outta me Lilly

< Message edited by Politesub53 -- 12/2/2011 9:55:16 AM >

(in reply to Awareness)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Advice Needed. - 12/2/2011 10:01:13 AM   
Awareness


Posts: 3918
Joined: 9/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep
Making intentionally inflammatory statements, and then retreating to a self-generated position of smugness doesn't seem like "self-assured" course of action, at least not to me...
  *chuckle*  Don't be silly Lilly.  Just because what I say doesn't flatter the pretensions of the would-be Dommes here, doesn't imply I'm being inflammatory.  It simply means I call it like I see it.  When one of those wannabes takes a generic criticism personally, the irony is simply too delicious to let pass.


_____________________________

Ever notice how fucking annoying most signatures are? - Yes, I do appreciate the irony.

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)
Profile   Post #: 40
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