Why the mismatch?

Why the mismatch? (Full Version)

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DarkSteven -> Why the mismatch? (12/4/2011 6:14:04 AM)
Verijaa said, in another thread: "There is no DommesRUs. You aren't going to find a bunch of dominant females lined up waiting to play with a bunch of desperate newbie subs. It's about relationships, which involves actually meeting people and talking with them and at least making friends before diving into personal fetishes." The ironic thing is that, while she's correct that the Dommes aren't lining up waiting to play, there seem to be plenty of them waiting impatiently for men to have relationships with. So in my mind, there's a group of male subs wanting to meet Dominant women for play, and a somewhat smaller group of Dommes wanting to meet male subs for relationships. Why the mismatch? When you interview for a job, the etiquette is that you discuss the job itself and the applicant, and how the two would mesh. It's taken for granted that the applicant will get paid once hired, and if the applicant discusses pay up front, he won't get hired. Similarly, if a man pulls out his cock or his fetishes to open discussion, the discussion will not get far. But if he establishes a relationship, play will happen. So, the point of this is, since there are a bunch of Dominant women hoping that a sub male will start a relationship with them, why haven't the sub men realized and acted upon that? Is it stupidity, or not being emotionally healthy enough to sustain a relationship? Or stubbornness at not wanting to provide one? Or something else?

xxblushesxx -> RE: Why the mismatch? (12/4/2011 6:17:56 AM)
Men think with their dicks and women with their hearts? dunno

Fornica -> RE: Why the mismatch? (12/4/2011 6:50:53 AM)
I honestly believe it's because of lack of patience, combined with arrogance. They don't want to take the time to actually design relationships, and they think "ok, I'm TOTALLY ready for this, so all I have to do is throw myself at all the Domme chicks and one will pick me". They think they are different, and above the rest. And the ones that DO truly want a relationship, are too afraid to make it happen. *disclaimer: No, I don't presume this is everyone. I'm speaking in generalizations.

LillyBoPeep -> RE: Why the mismatch? (12/4/2011 7:03:06 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx Men think with their dicks and women with their hearts? dunno Nah. Some women are totally pussy-minded, and some men are wonderfully thoughtful. DS, do you ever watch Family Guy? If not, here -- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-q3q41HE24 Stewie stumbled upon the idea that he was "one of those people who gets a jolly out of being hit." After that, all he wanted was the rush. It was all he could think/fantasize about, and he was determined to do what it took to get the rush again. I think a lot of guys who self-ID as sub are driven this way -- especially those who crop up on collarme, because the labels you can pick are so limited -- I think more of them would pick "bottom" or "kinkster" or "sadomasochist" if those terms were available here, like they are on Fetlife. As it stands, they aren't really even given the chance to be honest. They only have the opportunity to pick something "close" to what they really are. The rush/desire is a pretty strong thing; dichotomous with the way they've grown up -- that they, as men, are "meant" to be on top and in charge, so it seems wrong, and yet so right -- and the complexity of that makes it so alluring, it totally consumes them. They aren't thinking about relationships at all, they're thinking about a rush, a thrill, and whatever it might take to get there. According to psychology, men are more likely to form actual sexual fetishes, and to become obsessive about them. It's that, but also trying to involve another person.

Fornica -> RE: Why the mismatch? (12/4/2011 7:13:39 AM)
zomg I forgot about that family guy. It was awesome.

HeatherMcLeather -> RE: Why the mismatch? (12/4/2011 7:41:01 AM)
quote: why haven't the sub men realized and acted upon that? Is it stupidity, or not being emotionally healthy enough to sustain a relationship? Or stubbornness at not wanting to provide one? Or something else? They are men.

OttersSwim -> RE: Why the mismatch? (12/4/2011 8:08:43 AM)
Again, I am going to point to the "clearing house" aspect of CM that I have talked about before - first stop for a bunch of horny guys who want to get their "kink on" but have not thought terribly hard about it beyond being "terribly hard". I think that makes it look worse than it probably is. However...there is still a disconnect there, IMO. It is the same disconnect that has a guy wanting to get into a girl's pants on the first date in the vanilla world. Here, we have guys looking for play, their way, and most sexually oriented. And women just are not wired that way! (Yes, it is a generalization, but it is just as true for the vast majority of women as the "penis think" is for the vast majority of men) It is not something we are -ever- going to fix here. Evolution may eventually get round to it, can you hold please? [;)]

Ninebelowzero -> RE: Why the mismatch? (12/4/2011 8:11:35 AM)
i think holding might be a big part of the problem. quote: ORIGINAL: OttersSwim Again, I am going to point to the "clearing house" aspect of CM that I have talked about before - first stop for a bunch of horny guys who want to get their "kink on" but have not thought terribly hard about it beyond being "terribly hard". I think that makes it look worse than it probably is. However...there is still a disconnect there, IMO. It is the same disconnect that has a guy wanting to get into a girl's pants on the first date in the vanilla world. Here, we have guys looking for play, their way, and most sexually oriented. And women just are not wired that way! (Yes, it is a generalization, but it is just as true for the vast majority of women as the "penis think" is for the vast majority of men) It is not something we are -ever- going to fix here. Evolution may eventually get round to it, can you hold please? [;)]

FrostedFlake -> RE: Why the mismatch? (12/4/2011 8:14:23 AM)
Now, Heather. I'm pretty sure that you know that we know. It's just that you're pretty sure that we know that you know that we like thinking about you anyway. Ain't it? Well, you're right. I will never again be able to pass the Canadian Flag without saluting. I am jealous of each of you, even though that isn't really possible. Or sensible. Postscript ; Thank you for the music. I really enjoyed it. I was very pleased by what you did with the Declaration of Independence and the Star Spangled Banner. Very pleased to have you Ladies on the Team. Wishing you the best. FF

OttersSwim -> RE: Why the mismatch? (12/4/2011 8:14:38 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Ninebelowzero i think holding might be a big part of the problem. HAHA! "Only YOU can stop Rosey Palm Syndrome..."

FrostedFlake -> RE: Why the mismatch? (12/4/2011 8:17:08 AM)
Otterswim Good Man!

Arienos -> RE: Why the mismatch? (12/4/2011 8:18:23 AM)
quote: Is it stupidity, or not being emotionally healthy enough to sustain a relationship? Or stubbornness at not wanting to provide one? Or something else? When your comment on male submissive lacking intelligence, common sense and/or the capability of entering into and sustaining a meaningful relationship (Stupid) or extensive missed maturation in terms of emotional commitment (Emotional health.) or unreasonable determination (stubbornness ) I found myself trying to identify with your comment and looking at many other male submissives known to me. Somehow I disagree with your thinking. Indeed there are a host of women who involved themselves in dominance spending years searching for someone that will defer to their perception of dominance but dominance and submission are not perceived the same by everyone. Neither are sadism and masochism therefore I submit many submissive men will not accept less then what they set out to acquire especally in the relationship aspect.

slaveluci -> RE: Why the mismatch? (12/4/2011 8:34:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep quote: ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx Men think with their dicks and women with their hearts? dunno Nah. Some women are totally pussy-minded, and some men are wonderfully thoughtful. My sentiments exactly. All men and all women can't be grouped together and explained the same way.....luci

slaveluci -> RE: Why the mismatch? (12/4/2011 8:36:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HeatherMcLeather quote: why haven't the sub men realized and acted upon that? Is it stupidity, or not being emotionally healthy enough to sustain a relationship? Or stubbornness at not wanting to provide one? Or something else? They are men. Yep. They're men. That certainly doesn't mean they all think or act alike. Men are wonderful and, like women, they are all so wonderfully different. Surely no one can seriously suggest they're all the same because of their sex? Nah 'cause that would be utter bollocks[;)] luci

xxblushesxx -> RE: Why the mismatch? (12/4/2011 8:36:19 AM)
Of course. It was a generalization. But there is a reason women tend to look for relationships, and men tend to look for sex.

LaTigresse -> RE: Why the mismatch? (12/4/2011 8:51:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep quote: ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx Men think with their dicks and women with their hearts? dunno Nah. Some women are totally pussy-minded, and some men are wonderfully thoughtful. DS, do you ever watch Family Guy? If not, here -- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-q3q41HE24 Stewie stumbled upon the idea that he was "one of those people who gets a jolly out of being hit." After that, all he wanted was the rush. It was all he could think/fantasize about, and he was determined to do what it took to get the rush again. I think a lot of guys who self-ID as sub are driven this way -- especially those who crop up on collarme, because the labels you can pick are so limited -- I think more of them would pick "bottom" or "kinkster" or "sadomasochist" if those terms were available here, like they are on Fetlife. As it stands, they aren't really even given the chance to be honest. They only have the opportunity to pick something "close" to what they really are. The rush/desire is a pretty strong thing; dichotomous with the way they've grown up -- that they, as men, are "meant" to be on top and in charge, so it seems wrong, and yet so right -- and the complexity of that makes it so alluring, it totally consumes them. They aren't thinking about relationships at all, they're thinking about a rush, a thrill, and whatever it might take to get there. According to psychology, men are more likely to form actual sexual fetishes, and to become obsessive about them. It's that, but also trying to involve another person. This expresses my thoughts pretty closely. Men are not all sex driven idiots. Their brains just work differently and as much as most women cannot comprehend that, they generally cannot comprehend how women work either. Most of them that come here are doing so with the handicap of being in their sex fetish mode already. As all humans tend to, they just assume that the women are in a similar mindset. I don't for a minute believe that the bulk of them walk around with the horrid social skills they exhibit here. I just think that they see the site as a sex hook up site for their particular fetish and forget their manners and tact. The interesting thing I have noticed in the world in general......there comes a time when it seems men are more relationship oriented than women. They seem to like the comfort of a relationship. Whereas women quite often outgrow that need, especially when it involves providing expected comforts for a guy. I know a family of sisters, all 55+, all widowed, all single, all actively persued by local single men. While the women enjoy the company they do not share the same desire to remarry as the men persuing them.

FrostedFlake -> RE: Why the mismatch? (12/4/2011 8:52:01 AM)
Blushes~Christina Could you please expound on that word you used : Tend. I seem to think I know what it means, but in the context you sue, it seems like I might not. The way I use the word it means more than half. Often. Or usually. What does it mean when you use it?

HeatherMcLeather -> RE: Why the mismatch? (12/4/2011 8:56:43 AM)
quote: Surely no one can seriously suggest they're all the same because of their sex? Nah 'cause that would be utter bollocks Nobody but you suggested it.

xxblushesxx -> RE: Why the mismatch? (12/4/2011 9:01:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: FrostedFlake Blushes~Christina Could you please expound on that word you used : Tend. I seem to think I know what it means, but in the context you sue, it seems like I might not. The way I use the word it means more than half. Often. Or usually. What does it mean when you use it? We were speaking about men into bdsm, and I used tend to mean more often than not.

FrostedFlake -> RE: Why the mismatch? (12/4/2011 9:05:40 AM)
Thank you, Blushes. That would leave the less often than not, yes? I think that is the folks Steven is asking on behalf of. I wonder if that portion of the guys could become the focus of the remainder of this thread, seeing as we have already discussed those other guys? You know, the dickheads.

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