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Help getting started? - 1/8/2012 2:28:30 PM   
Hammermp


Posts: 9
Joined: 1/8/2012
Status: offline 		I am a very Dominant Military Male, married to one of my former soldiers. My Wife is an aggressive person in uniform (you have to be to survive as a NCO in the MP corps), but at home and with me she is Very submissive. This has been brought into our “bedroom” (not that we are always using that location…lol), but I never thought of it as more than a role-playing exercise for her (I must say I do enjoy it).

Recently (her new year’s res), she has decided that she wants me to be her Master in all things (this was unexpected, and my understanding is that is called “TPE”??) and has begged me to fulfill her need. Now, having control and being in control of everything around me has kept me alive for years, and is a matter of daily course for me. However, I am unsure with how this lifestyle entirely works, or how to get started. I guess I was raised “Old-Fashioned”, but I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around how I am to balance this need/want of my wife’s, and maintaining a healthy partnership with her.

My research on this subject seems to have hit a wall, and I have NO idea where to turn or even where to look for advice or help. The physical resource in my area seem to be GREATLY lacking (if there even is such a thing.), therefore I am hoping someone here can point me in the right direction. Fortunately, I do have time due to her current overseas status, so I am hoping that I can be knowable in this area before she redeploys to the states.

Thx
Hammer
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Help getting started? - 1/8/2012 2:39:13 PM   
BootyBoy


Posts: 108
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Hammermp


Recently (her new year’s res), she has decided that she wants me to be her Master in all things (this was unexpected, and my understanding is that is called “TPE”??) and has begged me to fulfill her need.
Thx
Hammer



Well, on a practical front, that should probably happen a bit more slowly. There are things you can probably take charge of right away, but there are other things that are going to need some talking through and figuring out. I guess what I'm saying is that like any big life change, the key is defining it first and THEN executing it. You may need to talk to quite a few folks, read some books, and separate the impractical fantasy from the livable reality.

Best of luck, and thank you for your service.

(in reply to Hammermp)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Help getting started? - 1/8/2012 3:08:35 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		There are some great books out there. Personally, I like the Loving Dominant.

The second thing I would recommend is within your local community see if you can find a D/s couple willing to be your mentor. This will give you an opportunity to see a D/s relationship in action.

Lastly, the boards have a lot of people in long term D/s relationship. Dive in and read.

I'd be happy to answer questions if you'd like to email me.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to BootyBoy)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Help getting started? - 1/8/2012 4:17:57 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline 		I answered you on your other thread, which has since been pulled.

There are a plethora of books available on the many different aspects of this
lifestyle, of which I will link to below, and if you spend some time in the forum,
you will also come across some very informative threads discussing Total Power Exchange.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that there is no right or wrong way to create
this dynamic within your marriage. You will come across many things that may sound great
on paper, but are a total failure when trying to incorporate that into your relationship.
Don't think that you must duplicate someone elses actions in order to validate the fact
that you have full authority over your wife, simply because it seems to work for others.

Other than the books, and the threads here, the next best resource is your wife.
I wish you both much joy as you explore things together.

ResidentSadists' Book List

< Message edited by poise -- 1/8/2012 4:18:30 PM >

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to Hammermp)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Help getting started? - 1/8/2012 4:33:54 PM   
Hammermp


Posts: 9
Joined: 1/8/2012
Status: offline 		Thanks for the tips. So far, the other threads have given me much information... however, does anyone know if this kind of exchange if conducive to a marriage. I have no problem fulfilling her request (in fact I find the idea pretty exciting), but I guess my biggest issue is How much potential is there for abuse without my knowing... and I don’t just mean physical? How can/will this affect the lives of our kids?

Our parents raised us to respect women... and I have never raised my hand to one (other in a professional capacity), and I do not want my son to think that it is ok to treat every woman in the manner that my wife wants me to treat her.

Is there a way to balance this?
Are there marriages within this lifestyle?

Thank you all for the responses thus far,
Hammer

(in reply to poise)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Help getting started? - 1/8/2012 4:49:24 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline 		I think you are blending the TPE dynamic you first posted about with all the delectably deviant sexual
activities that can also exist within such a relationship. And yes, they both can co-exist happily ever after.

To outsiders, and even to your immediate family, your relationship should appear to be nothing more than you
being the man of the house, and someone in which she defers to. I don't see how that can be seen as disrespectful,
or how someone could confuse that with abuse. You weren't thinking of pulling her by the leash at the local mall, right?

As for the physical activities, I would expect you would keep them in the bedroom, or the living room, or any place
you wish, but definitely out of the eyes of your children. That should be a given for any relationship dynamic.



_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to Hammermp)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Help getting started? - 1/8/2012 5:02:03 PM   
BootyBoy


Posts: 108
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline 		@ Hammer

quote:

"Our parents raised us to respect women... and I have never raised my hand to one (other in a professional capacity), and I do not want my son to think that it is ok to treat every woman in the manner that my wife wants me to treat her.


You may be getting a bit of a wrong impression. Most couples in this lifestyle don't go around smacking women (or men) across the chops and degrading them in front of their offspring. With kids in the picture, a lot of the more dramatic stuff is saved for the bedroom and the family operates pretty much like a normal family. However, you have to be comfortable with this and and it has to make sense with your lives together. The decision really has to be mutual, but I'm just saying that it probably doesn't have to be as extreme as it may sound at this point of your inquiry.

(in reply to Hammermp)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Help getting started? - 1/8/2012 6:56:57 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Hammermp

Thanks for the tips. So far, the other threads have given me much information... however, does anyone know if this kind of exchange if conducive to a marriage. I have no problem fulfilling her request (in fact I find the idea pretty exciting), but I guess my biggest issue is How much potential is there for abuse without my knowing... and I don’t just mean physical? How can/will this affect the lives of our kids?

Our parents raised us to respect women... and I have never raised my hand to one (other in a professional capacity), and I do not want my son to think that it is ok to treat every woman in the manner that my wife wants me to treat her.

Is there a way to balance this?
Are there marriages within this lifestyle?

Thank you all for the responses thus far,
Hammer



There are many marriages in this lifestyle. Amongst the wide variety of relationships here, many of the people on these boards are in long term monogamous relationships, married or otherwise. I have been with my Dominant now for 3 years, we are monogamous, marriage has been discussed, we are certainly in it with each other for the long haul.

The main way most of us balance our relationships and this lifestyle is that we have certain things at the base that are immovable- that is the power structure and the agreements that you make with each other. We keep our bedroom activities private. We think of ways to enforce our power structure in public without it being obvious to anyone else.

I am a mature woman with 3 adult sons, I am no longer married to their Dad, the boys are very protective of me. If any whiff of something they would consider to be abusive came out about my relationship with my Dominant, my sons would be sure to put him somewhere that he'd never be found. Believe me, there is no overt display of pain, disrespect, or anything that would cause concern in my home when my sons are around. That is for my partner and I alone. I am however publicly very giving to my man, I am very courteous, I go over and above to do things for him just as I do for my sons, I let him make the decisions, I honor him, I show my love for him. All of that fits our dynamic and it also is just fine to continue in the public eye. My Dominant genuinely loves me and cares for me and makes this evident in everything he does towards me. He is actually acts very gallantly towards me as he does everyone who crosses his path. Him being a Dominant does not mean he's an arrogant asshole.  My sons fully approve of him, and what he and I have together. The things that hurt and are kinky take place behind closed doors. The arrogant asshole part comes out when the bedroom door shuts and I fully approve 

Another side of this for me is that I don't want anything to influence my sons in any way regarding their own sexuality, role, or orientation, they should be free to choose for themselves without having it modeled by my own life. Of course I am proud to model a good, loving relationship and that is what I do. I had one with their Dad, I have one now with my Dom.

Work out with your wife what is meaningful to the both of you. What you want to do with this. Hash it out. Make lists and compare them, there are many examples of BDSM activity lists out there on the internet, use it as a jumping off place to begin discussions. Choose what can comfortably take place in public and make sure as the Dominant that it does. Figure out what you want to try in private and be ready to keep some of it and toss other things out as you see how they fit the two of you.

I do believe that D/s is indeed conducive to a relationship, I believe that it can make the participants closer to each other and more in love than ever. I believe it can be healthy and good. Most shared activities in a marriage are healthy and good for the relationship. I know you are struggling a bit now but it'll all make sense to you....good luck!

(in reply to Hammermp)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Help getting started? - 1/8/2012 9:08:51 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		We live with a blended family, some mine, some his. They see two people in love who respect each other and seek to make each other happy.

He doesn't bark orders or call me bitch, he simply says "Honey, can you get me more water?" and I do. The kids don't think anything of it. Although when my son saw me resignedly going along with him to his bowling league and wondered why I do it when I don't enjoy it, I explained that he wants me there as buffer from his bowling partner's wife who is a mean drunk, and spends her time there at the bar. And that in return, I get to pick the movies we go see unless he really really hates them. And he's watched some weird indie movies as a result.

Part of your job as her master is to take care of her. Which may include you telling her to go to bed early while you do the dishes. Or you deciding to barbecue while she sets the table. Or buying her favorite candy while you're out on an errand. Simply because you love her. The dominant/master is simply the person who makes whatever decisions he feels like making. You have the right to make any decision, not the obligation to do so. So you don't need to stand over her when she's cooking telling her to add oregano and not rosemary to the dish. You can choose to not interfere at all except to say you want her to keep dinner on warm while you watch the football game's last three minutes.

Or you can decide on any given day to make all the decisions. Pick her clothes for her, pick her breakfast, tell her what errands she is to run and in which order.

The balance here comes from the fact that he's happier being in charge, and I'm happier not being so. We would be unbalanced if we weren't being our authentic selves. The fact that he's the boss doesn't change the fact that we like each other, we enjoy each others company, we love each other.

Edit to add: can you use a larger font in future? I'm having trouble reading your post.


< Message edited by DesFIP -- 1/8/2012 9:09:33 PM >

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Help getting started? - 1/8/2012 9:26:42 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		Dude, you are overthinking. Our TPE looks just like any other relationship from the outside. The main difference is that I call the shots and she complies.
That's it.
I command. She obeys.
We don't wear leather chaps in public, she doesn't kneel at the Christmas family dinner, she doesn't suck strangers off at the bus stop.
As for respect, why wouldn't you respect her? Whether she's a slave/sub or a nilla, that shouldn't have a damn thing to do with how much you respect her-it ain't wrong to respect a slave, the same way it ain't wrong to respect any irreplaceable extremely valued possession. Heck, if anything, I may respect her more because she's a slave and, being a slave owner and all, I have some idea of how difficult that can be.

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Help getting started? - 1/8/2012 11:08:10 PM   
Hammermp


Posts: 9
Joined: 1/8/2012
Status: offline 		Jen... You reading all of this??

We will talk about it after you do.


(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Help getting started? - 1/9/2012 7:21:47 AM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline 		Hi Jen!

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to Hammermp)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Help getting started? - 1/9/2012 7:51:15 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Hammermp



Our parents raised us to respect women... and I have never raised my hand to one (other in a professional capacity), and I do not want my son to think that it is ok to treat every woman in the manner that my wife wants me to treat her.

Is there a way to balance this?
Are there marriages within this lifestyle?

Thank you all for the responses thus far,
Hammer



Master absolutely respects me. He understands and appreciates what I bring to the table and like a good manager uses those attributes. He says please and thank you. He opens my door. I am not less than he is, I'm the other side of his coin. I defer to him and let him take the lead. To most outsiders we just look like a traditional couple.

We've been together for 12 years and we've been married for 11 years.




_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Hammermp)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Help getting started? - 1/9/2012 9:13:57 AM   
Killerangel


Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline 		A good way to get started is to use the checklist thing as was suggested. It gives you ample subjects to research for one thing and will give you both an indication of where your interests lie as a couple. It's not all activities, some of the things listed will be more like themes, styles, or ideas - for instance 1950's lifestyle, power exchange, or micromanagement. Each of the things you'd like to try will be tweaked to suit the two of  you, or discarded entirely and then perhaps picked up again later...or not. It's a journey.

The boards here are a wealth of information. There is a search feature you can use. I have learned a ton on here. The book list is a great place to start as well.

As far as behaving in public, you know, most of the couples on here seem just like everyday people. Inviting BDSM into your life/relationship doesn't mean you've wandered onto the set of a porn movie - we all know how realistic they are  lol. Life goes on, we have jobs and family. We keep our private lives private. Certain things can make the transition into any area with others around, certain things can't. At the heart of it you have an agreement that you make with your partner and all that it entails. You uphold the agreement in whatever way you can depending on the circumstances. Hell yes BDSM can make healthy relationships and marriages.


(in reply to Hammermp)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Help getting started? - 1/9/2012 9:27:23 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Hammermp

Jen... You reading all of this??

We will talk about it after you do.




Hi Jen!

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Hammermp)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Help getting started? - 1/9/2012 11:11:56 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Hammermp

Jen... You reading all of this??

We will talk about it after you do.




Hey Jen! You can post too ya know, would be nice to have you included.

Not to beat this into the ground, but honestly you'd never probably know who was kinky and who wasn't by outward behavior. I think of my own relationship as just like any other. It's a match of interests and needs, a place to grow, feel safe, and know someone has my back. I used to wear a 1/4" steel collar 24/7 and took it off for school- we're not allowed to wear jewelry. No one ever asked me about it when it was on. Not even the kids-  I told em it was a Christmas gift from the bf, they thought it was cool.

Kana brought up several good points, one that particularly resonated with me is the one of her being your treasured possession and treated as such. My relationship reflects that view. I have never felt like less, rather I feel valued, and this is easily visible to those who know us. If anything, I get comments all the time on how how happy we seem and how well we seem to suit one another. In our lives, D/s is definitely a positive force.

(in reply to Hammermp)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Help getting started? - 1/9/2012 11:48:37 AM   
Hammermp


Posts: 9
Joined: 1/8/2012
Status: offline 		LMFAO!!

You know what guys??... I have learned more from this site and from reading all the responses on my (and other) threads today, then all the research that I have done this week! The outpouring of advice and support has been VERY helpful and overwhelming.

mouse (her callsign), read this thread last-night (CONUS time), and started her own reading session into the others. she asked me to extend her thanks (she had work duties to fulfill before she had the chance), and she is paying attention.
Anyway… Thank you all, and Plz keep it coming.

Hammer

< Message edited by Hammermp -- 1/9/2012 11:49:37 AM >

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Help getting started? - 1/9/2012 12:11:48 PM   
seekerofslut


Posts: 215
Joined: 9/7/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Killerangel

As far as behaving in public, you know, most of the couples on here seem just like everyday people.



No kidding. I know one woman who hosts / bar tends at a local haunt and it took 5 years till we figured it out about each other. She's out of town visiting a favorite Master of hers. I really should delete her latest text messages.

(in reply to Killerangel)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Help getting started? - 1/9/2012 1:23:34 PM   
Alida


Posts: 45
Joined: 4/7/2005
Status: offline 		we've been married for nearly twenty years, and this has been a part of our 'fun' since we got together. However, it's relatively recently turned into something we want to do 24/7. There's no reason to worry about maintaining a marriage or kids or whatever. You do it in private, and there's no abuse etc. Ask her for a while, if you want, and slowly you'll learn.

From my experience, while you may want to go search for new experiences for you to share, rest assured you are already a good Dom to your lady Jen. (hello!) She's giving up control because she already loves and trusts you so completely this is merely a next step. Trying to mold yourself into an 'ideal' or porn 'Dom' will kill the man she wants to submit to. Just gain more confidence that this is perfectly 'normal' and perfectly fine in the real world. It's not all parades and leather parties. No one need ever know.

Hell, a friend's boyfriend was just showing my husband how to tie knots, nudge nudge wink wink. I had just spent the night before trussed up.:)

Welcome to the journey. May it make you both richer and more fulfilled.

(in reply to seekerofslut)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Help getting started? - 1/9/2012 1:44:54 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		you are the colonel she is the private.

use miltary bearing at all times and start buckin for Marine Corps Commandant or General of the Army whatever your branch is, but she is still a green private.   There are rules, you got em, if they dont follow them it reflects on you, if they will not follow you to the ends of the earth it reflects on you, if they do not know what their mission is, it reflects on you, if they havent been trained, disciplined, and their needs met (hey, a sick soldier?  hit the rack, get better soon, heres some soup....) then right back at it........you gotta have your troops execute the plan, flawlessly, train train train, discipline discipline discipline...

You know, give them that tough love.  Life aint a choice, its an order!!!!!!!!

General ATTILLA THE HUN  

< Message edited by mnottertail -- 1/9/2012 1:50:26 PM >

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to Alida)
Profile   Post #: 20
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