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Lies and more Lies - 1/9/2012 12:54:45 PM

susie

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I have a friend that I have known from the age of about 5 or 6. She is in a relationship that was originally M/s but this seems to have tailed off over the last couple of years. She has now come to me for some advice and I am struggling with what to say. We have always been able to discuss anything but I am finding it so hard to help her right now.

From what she has told me her partner has lied to her consistantly over all the time they have been together which is for about 15 years. Some of the lies have stemmed from their first contact and others have been small things during the time of their relationship. Some of the things she has told me about were really serious things that have knocked me for six. It has made me view him in a whole new light.

I am finding it so hard to give her advice as my gut instinct would be to tell her to walk away from him. From what I know she loves him totally. She says he loves her too but how can he if he lies to her all the time. The worst part for me is that he seems to leave clues around that she finds which proves he has lied.

To me there is no choice but to walk away but I don't want to give her that advice. I am at a bit of a loss right now as to how to help her.

Any ideas?

Post #: 1

RE: Lies and more Lies - 1/9/2012 12:57:30 PM

Ninebelowzero

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Hi Suzie. it's a real monster isn't it. (I know) As I don't know your friend well I'll ask a question. Can she handle tough love? As in hard advice.

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More come backs than Frank Sinatra

(in reply to susie)

Post #: 2

RE: Lies and more Lies - 1/9/2012 1:01:43 PM

littlewonder

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If she was my friend I'd tell her they need to talk first. They need to sit down and have a heart to heart talk and if they find they still can't work it out alone but want to then to seek counseling.

After that I'd walk away and tell her to do what she feels is in her best interest. I for one would not want to be the one to tell them to leave or stay and then be blamed for whatever fallout occurs.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Ninebelowzero)

Post #: 3

RE: Lies and more Lies - 1/9/2012 1:04:10 PM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
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From: Kentucky
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If you give her the advice to leave and she stays with him, she may become angry with you, and cut you out of her life (until she decides to leave him, if she ever does)
My best advice is to be there for her to listen and to vent to, and allow her to come to her own conclusions.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to susie)

Post #: 4

RE: Lies and more Lies - 1/9/2012 1:04:51 PM

ScatteredRose

Posts: 171
Joined: 3/9/2010
From: New Orleans
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Unfortunately what I've learned with friends, sometimes they don't actually want to hear your advice. They just want you to listen.
Which, is totally fine. But I'd wish they'd be more upfront about it ._.

Anywho. Coming from personal experience, when you tell a friend, "Look X is bad for you, leave them!" they will go and talk to X, get blinded by the same facade that they have been before, and now you become an enemy for trying to help your friend.
Unfortunately, the best thing you can do is be there for your friend. Listen, help them. Let them know, "I'm here for you". Because that is sometimes all you can do.
The best advice I give to friends when they are stuck on what to do, "Do what makes you happy".

Sometimes, that could be an eye opener. They will sit there and go, "What does make me happy?" And will think about X and realize, they're not happy...And hopefully get the strength to continue on.
Ultimately, just be her friend. Be there for her.

_____________________________

"Realizing I had a name-- Bec. It means "Little One". It's what Goll called me when he first found me. I was proud of the name. It was the only thing I owned, something nobody could ever take from me." The Demonata: vol 4 Bec.

(in reply to Ninebelowzero)

Post #: 5

RE: Lies and more Lies - 1/9/2012 1:05:43 PM

lizi

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Ugh, god, I've been in this situation. My best friend happens to be married to my brother- there were so many times that I wanted to tell her to walk away from him. They're now trying to save their relationship yet again and once again, I'm almost more loyal to her then him as I see where she's been hurt and is getting the short end of the stick more than he is.

In the end I figure it's really up to her. If she's got the patience and wherewithall to stick it out with him than that's her business. She always tells me she does NOT regret hanging in their with him and she's glad they kept their marriage thus far. So I tried to take my cue from that and I listen to her, and I try to give advice that doesn't include things she'd find objectionable (like leaving him) and is more focused on what she might do in a positive manner. There are so many times I'd just throw up my hands myself and walk away, but she doesn't want that and I have to honor her choice and fortitude. I am simply not that strong.

Your friend's partner sounds much like my brother in that he may have a real, serious, psychological illness- the compulsive lying and such. My SIL has found some peace in getting counseling for herself, you might suggest that to your friend- that she go to see someone professional to talk to?

(in reply to susie)

Post #: 6

RE: Lies and more Lies - 1/9/2012 1:06:08 PM

Higuysitsme

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From: Sheffield, UK
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I agree with littlewonder. This is an issue for her to discuss with a professional counsellor. A friend just can't have the necessary objectivity to help her deal with this situation; and ultimately, whatever advice you offer, you'll end up in the wrong.

_____________________________

'Be humble, because you are made of Earth;
Be noble, because you are made of Stardust.'
Navaho saying.

'There is no way to peace and happiness;
Peace and happiness is the way.'
The Buddha

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 7

RE: Lies and more Lies - 1/9/2012 1:08:36 PM

Iamsemisweet

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From: The Great Northwest, USA
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This is kind of a no-win situation for you Susie. I think the other posters are right, if you tell her what you REALLY think, and she stays with him, you will have gained two enemies and lost one friend.
I think all you can do is tell her you will be there for her, no matter what she decides, and leave it at that. She already knows he is a liar. It is up to her to decide if that is a "deal-killer" or not.

_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

(in reply to ScatteredRose)

Post #: 8

RE: Lies and more Lies - 1/9/2012 1:19:42 PM

stellauk

Posts: 1360
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Oh dear.. so sorry for you.. I'm in the camp that she needs to find out why this has happened. This not only influences the decision whether to stay or leave, but also how she is going to process this. Then there's your friend's role in all of this.

It's not an easy situation, for you or for her. I work on the general principle that the more unusual or extreme the situation, the more information I need.

Generally as long as the responsibility for her decisions remains firmly with her, and you make this clear, it should be okay.

It's not necessarily a given that I would advise her to leave, but it seems that the situation merits at least a Scarborough warning.

_____________________________

Usually when you have all the answers for something nobody is interested in listening.

(in reply to susie)

Post #: 9

RE: Lies and more Lies - 1/9/2012 1:22:33 PM

DarkSteven

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Joined: 5/2/2008
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WHY did he lie? The problem won't get fixed till the cause is known.

And keep in mind that you only have her word on what happened. Steer clear of getting in the middle of it.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to stellauk)

Post #: 10

RE: Lies and more Lies - 1/9/2012 1:23:58 PM

susie

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Joined: 11/21/2004
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Thanks all. I have been pretty much doing the shoulder to cry on bit. It has been so hard as I hate to see her being hurt.

I know I have to stand back and let her decide what is best for her but I hate what is happening. She keeps telling me that he says he loves her but how can she believe him when he has told her so many lies.

Anyway I know I just have to support her as best I can. I am closer to her than I am to my sister and it hurts me so much to see what she is going through.

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)

Post #: 11

RE: Lies and more Lies - 1/9/2012 1:51:20 PM

Lockit

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Joined: 5/7/2007
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In a situation like this... with someone you care about and someone you want in your life... you have your own feelings about it all, your own stress and find yourself torn sometimes between what they are going through and what you are going through with them. I am going through this now with a very different situation and it is a killer. My situation is with a son that I do not wish to lose, may in the end and yet... cannot do what I would like to do and say.

You cannot ignore how you feel about this. Can you? I couldn't always. So, I found a place where I ministered to both upset. I had my say in the matter... as if they didn't already know how I would respond... and then told them that only they could do what they would and decide and I knew they wouldn't be able to do what I would want them to... and on and on with that line.

Final part... I love you... I support you in whatever you do. I won't get involved and I can put my feelings aside to a point but know I love you and at some point for my own sanity, I may have to sit back, say nothing and just be here for you at the point where you have decided to do something. We pretty much know where this is going... but you have a process to get through. Just know that from time to time... I will be in a process too and may not always be able to keep my mouth shut, my feelings put aside and may get involved. So be careful what you say and for me and I will be careful of what I say and for you and we will just muddle through this the best we can. Hug, hug... sob... hug.

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(in reply to susie)

Post #: 12

RE: Lies and more Lies - 1/9/2012 1:53:59 PM

mnottertail

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listen, listen, listen, do not offer advice, she will work it out in her own head as she talks to you..........stay neutral.

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 13

RE: Lies and more Lies - 1/9/2012 1:56:08 PM

Whenready

Posts: 319
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Like others have said, be there for her.

You are NOT her - what would be best for you is not necessarily what is best for her, nor is what you would do in her situation necessarily her best course of action. As for the lies, it is possible to love someone despite what they do. Lots of hugs & tissues from the sound of it.

(in reply to susie)

Post #: 14

RE: Lies and more Lies - 1/9/2012 2:01:01 PM

fragilepieces

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Joined: 7/6/2008
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I was once in the situation as your friend is and people tried to tell me to back away and even though I knew they were speaking from the heart, I always gave one more chance because somehow I felt it may change like Steven said I would find out why all the lying was going on (because some of the lies were dumb and had no rhyme or reason) then I could fix it and make it better. It was not 15 years but it was pretty darn long and then I had enough one final lie caused it---I pulled back a great deal from him but sort of kept in touch until the fatal day when he blamed my pulling away from him as my not be a true friend to him when actually I pulled away because of a lie I knew he made, confronted him on it, and he refused to speak the truth nor send me proof of his innocence---it ended there and I have not spoken to him since---I DO miss his friendship but I did began to notice little things about his treatment of me that I never noticed before and he really wasn't the friend he had stonewalled me into believing (note this was not online).

Bottom line is until your friend gets sick and tired, just say if it were me---I'd...but...or just listen that might be all she needs.

_____________________________

Me to Daddy: Now you'll think I'm a weirdo
Him: I love you BECAUSE you ARE a weirdo.

(in reply to susie)

Post #: 15

RE: Lies and more Lies - 1/9/2012 2:06:42 PM

kitkat105

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From: Eating dutch crunch in the Silicon Valley
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I've been in this situation, very recently, except I was your friend. There were a lot of aspects of my relationship that I disliked, made me miserable and basically I was lying to myself thinking it was the right idea to stay.

You know what helped? Someone in my life helped me reflect constructively on the relationship and gave me the assistance and strength I needed to walk away from an 8 year long relationship. I will be forever indebted to him.

The best thing I think you can do is be honest to your friend. Tell her how you feel from your perspective.

_____________________________

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(in reply to fragilepieces)

Post #: 16

RE: Lies and more Lies - 1/9/2012 2:10:15 PM

DaddySatyr

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From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
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The idea of "listen" or "just be there for her" is all well and good unless she has asked you for advice. This is your friend and, while you should never lie to anyone, you certainly should never do it to a friend.

Of course you'll be "wrong" (in most cases) and you may even lose (contact with) your friend for a little while but, eventually, they will see that as hard as it was, you told them the truth when no one else would. Also, you'll be able to look yourself in the mirror for not just paying lip service to "honesty" and "friendship".

Peace and comfort,

Michael

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to fragilepieces)

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RE: Lies and more Lies - 1/9/2012 2:55:14 PM

Duskypearls

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Questions I would pose to your friend, were she mine...

How do you love and live a lie, and liar, especially a habitual one? Does that not make you a lie and liar as well? She who lies down with dogs, rises with fleas.

How does one love another that cannot be trusted? Does not trust and respect pave the way for authentic love?

What does it say about you, that you would accept, tolerate, and nurture a person or relationship based upon lies?

What value do you place upon honesty, honor, integrity, and authenticity?

Could this possibly be more the case of being abuse-bonded to the other, instead of being in love with him?

(in reply to DaddySatyr)

Post #: 18

RE: Lies and more Lies - 1/9/2012 3:16:29 PM

hlen5

Posts: 5890
Joined: 3/2/2008
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Dump him. Dump him. Dump him.

Tell her you'll respect her decision no matter what she does.

She will never be able to trust what he says. An at least 33 year old man (assuming they were 18 when they met) will not change. She's proven to him time and again that there are no consequencees for his lies. He will never change.

(in reply to susie)

Post #: 19

RE: Lies and more Lies - 1/9/2012 3:23:28 PM

Epytropos

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If she's in love with him, she needs to ask herself a very simple question: How much shit is she willing to accept? That's what it comes down to. There's not a correct answer, there's just a simple value judgment - how much of his shit can she put up with and still be happier than she'd be without him? What we (or you) think is correct is based on our own value judgment, which is valid insofar as we're dealing with ourselves, but not otherwise.

I would tell her, though, that someone who has been lying to her for 15 years straight is not going to quit lying to her. That's not going to happen. This is something she must accept with equanimity, or not.

_____________________________

They're only words. Don't dwell on them. They never mean what you think.

I speak only of My Way. Think it not an indictment of Your Way.

(in reply to Duskypearls)

Post #: 20

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