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Duskypearls -> RE: Intelligence vs writing (1/10/2012 8:07:22 AM)
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It is a funny thing to me, this thread, for it allows me to closer examine myself and my feelings, and there is a puzzling ambiguity within me regarding this.
As some of you may remember, I've recently shared some of the negative effects many unfortunate early (and later) events had upon me in life, the result being that I shut down and stopped functioning and developing normally in so many ways until recently.
One of the critical things greatly affected was my communication, verbal and written. From about the age of 5, the conclusions I drew were that it was unsafe to speak my truth, especially if it countered those of the PTB, and unsafe to physically be, show and express myself. I pretty much stopped talking and interacting in any normal way within and outside the family unit, and sat on the outside looking in, always fearful of being physically and emotionally harmed for being and expressing me, and adopted a most mannequin-like way of looking, sounding and acting.
In effect, I was frozen, and did not, could not, think or speak freely. Normal thinking, questioning, emoting processes, and social skills and interactions came to an abrupt halt, and my existence pretty much revolved around feeling like prey within a predatory environment, which doesn't offer much opportunity for growth or advancement. The ability to think critically, have an opinion, question or challenge others, or defend myself fell by the wayside, and severely hampered the way in which I functioned and dealt with people and life in general, for decades to come.
Books offered me escape, respite and entertainment, but I never gave it much thought until about 4-5 years ago (at age 50-51), when all of a sudden, my mind, heart and body began awakening from its long and dreadful, nightmarish sleep, upon its own volition. You will laugh when I tell you what triggered this awakening, and I will laugh with you, for it is amusing.
After decades of isolation and deprivation, having not communicated much or well verbally or on paper with others, my entire being began screaming for release and craved connection and normal, healthy experiences with a man. It forced me to step outside myself, my comfort zone and previous experiences, and begin online dating, at which I was insanely and painfully naive and inept.
Then the funniest, most unexpected thing began to happen. All of a sudden, online, I began to get positive feedback from men regarding what and how I wrote to them, which astonished and encouraged me, and inspired me to work harder at it. The more compliments and gratitude I received about how good I made them feel, the better I felt about myself (for the first time), and put even more effort into it. It was suddenly becoming clear to me that this long dormant human kernal was begining to show signs of sprouting.
I became willfully conscious and careful about my written words in attempts to use them to best effect, and found this was not only well-received by others, but also myself, as it felt wonderful to be rewarded for making another feel good with my words, so I took great pains to improve this new-found skill. It then occurred to me all those books I'd read over the years were not for naught, but in fact had created a secret vault of their own that was now being opened and tapped, and words, ideas, and expressions started coming out of me that I never knew were there. It felt as though there was another person(s) inside me doing the writing, and it felt (feels) odd at times.
I became proud of my new ability, to the point of being just a wee bit too proud, and suddenly found myself feeling critical of others with lesser written communication skills, and was often offended by, and judgmental of those with less than I. How funny it is, now, to look back and see I was derisively looking down my nose at them, and quietly to myself, dismissing them as future potential partners. Talk about a snob!
Fortunately, I have since stepped down from my dangerously high horse, and come to the conclusion we cannot all excel in all things, and that doesn't make us better or worse than others. A person's intent, and what is in their heart, is of far more importance and value to me. Here are the actual words I wrote to a very fine, intelligent, and good-hearted fellow, who feared his typos would put me off:
"...please don’t apologize…you don’t EVER have to apologize to me, especially for something so little and insignificant as typo’s and whatnot (surely you’ve noticed some of mine!). Heavens to Mergatroy (sp?)! Here’s the way I look at it…I don’t care how perfectly someone does or does not express themselves, either verbally or on paper. As long as I can get the gist of what they’re saying, that’s ALL that matters. God did not die and leave me Editor-in-Chief over the rest of the world. And anyhow, even if he did, if I was that fast and loose with red pen, how picayune and neurotic would that make me? So relax, my good man, you are in safe territory. I’m not one for taking pot shots at anybody. Wild turkeys, maybe, but not people. That’s just not my style."
So I have become much less judgmental, and much more forgiving and understanding about this, and find it serves me well.
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