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crazyml -> RE: BDSM out of necessity? (1/15/2012 8:47:38 AM)
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[Edit to remove mention of the missus]
Gosh!
Welcome to the boards.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Dscouple7383
I've been on this site for a while, and We also have a profile up on a different kink/fetish/bdsm site as well.
And here's the question I have, and I apologize if it comes across as cold and mean.
What is the percentage of people (on this site in particular) are into bdsm out of necessity?
What I mean by that, is I wonder how many people on here have discovered that the ONLY way to be with someone is through d/s?
I am sure that there is a proportion of the men on this site who, struggling to find a date in the vanilla world, somehow assume that the girls on a kinky site will be less discerning. Looking at some of the appalling profiles, it could be a fairly high proportion.
I'm not sure things are that different on nilla dating sites...
In truth, when it comes to the female profiles - I don't place too much store in profile pics. Sure, a fantastic pair of boobs, or a finely toned leg might prompt me to take a look at someone's profile, but you know - I'm just smart enough to know that even the profiles that don't have any kind of picture associated with them might belong to some seriously lovely and interesting people.
In terms of the people I actually engage with, I don't have the impression that kinky people are any more or less "beautiful" than the general population.
quote:
We have started to reach out into our local community here, and even communities that are a drive for us to get to. And we are shocked at what we are finding. Most women we have come across look the same. Nearly ALL of them are moderately to severely overweight, and honestly have looked like they have stopped caring. Hair that isn't styled or attempted to be styled....no makeup....and just looked like they rolled out of bed.
Firstly, given the articulate way in which you write, I hope you'll appreciate that some might draw some fairly harsh conclusions from these remarks. I'm absolutely certain [Mods please note] that you're not stupid and shallow, but as someone who isn't stupid or shallow I'd expect you to be able to recognise that these words might cause someone to gain the mistaken impression that you are?
My experience of munches and the local community in the UK are wildly different to yours, so perhaps it's a question of the events you're choosing to go to?
I've been to fetish nights where everyone was hopelessly beautiful, I've been to some munches where the proportion of desperados (of either side of the kneel) seemed uncomfortably high.
So... it's mixed.
Perhaps if you let them know in advance that you were coming, and provided some pics, some of these fugly bastards would be moved by your charisma to get a make over before they came?
quote:
The men are no better, believe me. I've never seen so many men who don't take care of themselves, and don't do ANYTHING to make themselves presentable. Yet, they call themselves doms.
I have to admit that my first reaction was to choke on my coffee and shout "Oh fuck me! What the blazes does 'personal grooming' have to do with dominance you shallow jackass!" But of course, this initial reaction needs to be tempered by the new huggy feely tone of these boards, and I wouldn't dream of actually calling you a shallow jackass, firstly because that would be a personal attack and secondly because you're probably not a jackass, but I felt, that in the spirit of sharing I ought to let you know what my initial reaction was.
Having wiped the coffee from my keyboard, my more temperate response is -
I'm not sure there's much of a correlation between personal grooming and dominance. I'd be interested in knowing a little more about what it is that makes you associate the two?
I think it's, surely, a question of taste and preference - I've no doubt that there are some subs, and I do think there's a possibility that some of those may be at least as smart and hip as you are (no matter how absurd that idea might seem to you and I), who really dig a slightly craggy, weathered, and possibly even unkempt look.
Of course you're entitled to your preference, and I would defend your right to choose people on the basis of a shallow and superficial set of standards if that's how you roll, but if you're seriously judging people on this basis then I'm afraid that you have to embrace the likelihood that people will mistake you for a vapid airhead. Of course the loss would be theirs as you're clearly nothing of the sort, but you might want to consider the possibility that your preference for people that groom may result in your missing out on some real charmers.
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So, I know it sounds mean, but is bdsm (and especially in the community) mostly for people who CAN'T find someone on their own, and they use the d/s construct just to get attention that they couldn't almost PAY for in the vanilla world?
It does sound mean. It sounds mean and shallow and stupid. [Note that this isn't a personal attack, simply a reflection on how it sounds - I am almost 100% certain that the OP isn't in any way mean, shallow or stupid, but I do think that their words sound so]
The fact is that there are desperados everywhere, and it could be that kinky sites attract more than their fair share, but to imply that "BDSM is mostly for people who CAN'T find someone on their own" is insulting and, I'm sure, untrue.
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I know that looks aren't everything, and I am no super model myself. Hell, I could even stand to lose a few pounds as well. BUT, I at least put forth an EFFORT to make myself look as desirable as possible. When I'm looking for a sub/slave, I am FIRST going to be drawn to their appearance.
Well, very few of us are super model material. I'm certain that I wouldn't meet your standards of grooming/sartorial elegance, and would quite understand if you took one look at me and wrote me of as a dishevelled, tatty middle-aged bloke. I hope, too, that you'd not lose a moment's sleep if my conclusion was [And in the spirit of no personal attacks, you - and the mods - need to understand that I'm only talking hypothetically here and that you really are both finger lickingly attractive ] that anyone who felt that a shiny white tie went well with a black shirt was plainly beneath my dignity.
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Is that shallow? I don't care. It's NATURE!! I'm sick of people saying that looks don't matter. Appearances don't matter. That's horsecrap!! You don't go to a job interview looking like cat puke, so what gives?
Yes it's a bit shallow. And you don't have to care, I think you should be free to be as shallow as you choose. And you're right - simply trotting off "appearances don't matter" is silly and unrealistic. Of course they matter.
Appearances do signal something - our choice of clothing, grooming, exercise regime all reflect something. Appearances may
well be a good indicator of some things.
But... they're not 100% reliable by any means. I worked as a doorman at nightclubs in my early 20's and there was clearly an irony inherent in the way people dressed. People that laid bricks for a living seemed to opt for sharp suits, and the people that performed heart surgery seemed to show up in tattered jeans - Now I make no judgement about either type, but it did give pause for thought.
Also do bear in mind that when people organise munches, their sole purpose isn't to provide a cat walk, interview forum for people looking to couple up - generally the goal is to provide a comfortable, supportive environment where people don't feel as if they're being judged.
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So, I'm FIGHTING having the feeling that bdsm and the lifestyle are MOSTLY relegated to really old, really fat, and really unattractive people who couldn't get their dog to play with them otherwise.
Am I the only one frustrated out there?
There.
I feel lots better now.
:)
Derek
I'm glad you feel better. But I'd encourage you to be a little more patient, and make a few friends - even if they are fugly - you might well discover that there are people out there that, while they don't meet your standards of grooming and personal fitness, bring new, good and interesting things into your life.
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