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RE: Safe Word? - 1/28/2012 9:03:06 AM   
DominantHunger


Posts: 57
Joined: 5/11/2009
Status: offline 		I think the only time a formal safe word is needed is if the sub wants to be able to beg you to stop and have their pleading ignored. In that case, it could be handy to know the difference between no-means-yes and stop-you're-harming-me. If your play doesn't involve a no-means-yes element, then regular communication should be sufficient.

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RE: Safe Word? - 1/28/2012 9:37:08 AM   
SpiritedRadiance


Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline 		DH I would agree, however my play regularly involved a significant amount of blood loss on my behalf...Or the inability to speak because of air deprivation...or the unsmart idea of moving at all... and my being so high as a freaking kite i cant tell you my own name let alone communicate "im dizzy" "somethings wrong" In a dungeon setting its LOUD.... Theres tons of scenes, tons of talking, music...
Sometimes theres no enough voice to get behind "simple communication"

I use the thumbs up thumbs down signal, as well as "red", I also do "stop", "please", "too much", and "mslnekjtwjetnoekngtsglskdfnmsejgnwe.". or something similar...I dont usually speak during scenes or make much noise and if its something other then a scream or giggle, it means check in time... (All of the Doms/Sadists i play with I allow to know this information well before we ever are in a situation that involves play)

OP I will never play with out the use of a safeword being an option regardless of wither weve had 50 years together or 1 month...  There are times when what i normally can take, just isnt there for some reasons, there are days im going to get dizzy in 5 minutes over 60... there are going to be days when 5 needles are too much and when 500 are too much... Not every day, every headspace, every scene regardless of how many times youve done it is going to be the same.


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RE: Safe Word? - 1/28/2012 9:50:00 AM   
lostinmyownmind


Posts: 56
Joined: 8/31/2011
Status: offline 		A safe word is an absolute must with me and since I am not into the false protest thing, stop means exactly that. If that word is ignored by the person I am playing with, then I know that my concerns and safety mean nothing to him and I simply will not play with that person again.
Reality is a subjective thing, but, the reality of serious injury because of the lack of a safe word is something that should not be ignored. It's really foolish to totally depend on the Dominant to know when you need to stop because they are human not omnipotent gods as some seem to think. Your safety is just as much your responsibility as it is theirs. If you choose to ignore it then you have no grounds to complain if something bad happens.
jmho, of course.

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RE: Safe Word? - 1/28/2012 10:03:14 AM   
xXLithiumXx


Posts: 723
Joined: 9/2/2008
From: Hell, Kentucky
Status: offline 		While I hold to the statement that no one is the end all be all of BDSM, I think there is a common link in that -most- dominants will advocate the use of a safeword with a new submissive.

As a sadist, (yeah I know, it's weird for a switch...whatever) I feel pretty certain that I have always used a safe word. But that is because I recognize my love for inflicting pain may not mesh with the submissives love for pain.

If you have only been with her a short period of time, it seems to me that she should be all about a safe word. If you begged her to stop and she did not- then that is an issue, a warning sign of sorts, and one you should be aware of, and heed.

There are many dominants who have been doing this long enough that think, or know, they can read their submissives body to know when enough is enough. And yes, if they have been together for a great deal of time, and know that person very well, they may have that ability.

It is far better to have it, not need it than to not have it and encounter someone who simply will not release you when you have had too much.

But, I tend to be an err on the side of caution kind of person.

From the perspective of a switch-If I were collared, or even just "playing" (I really despise using that term in regards to BDSM-it almost makes me wince) and I was in your position...The dom may want to consider leaving me bound until it was time to go home, as I am pretty sure I would break my foot off in their ass.

Ultimately, it is your body, you know what it can and can not take, and there is no way that any dominant can know what is enough at any given moment. Sure, skin temperature, redness, blood, whatever...but in totality, if they haven't gotten you into that place...that sweet spot so to speak..mentally, then you are more likely to take far less...and if they continue then...the potential to do damage is there and strong.

I would approach her and explain to her that while you love being with her, you feel as if the safe word was better and you want that back in place simply for when you are not as able to take what she is dishing as she is to dish it.

**Note, I posted this after just waking up, over coffee- Pardon my attention to detail.

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RE: Safe Word? - 1/28/2012 10:17:49 AM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas
All doms use a single word or phrase, not a word and then an optional phrase, like "I need to stop".

"ALL?" I don't buy that at all. Be careful when using the words "all" or "never." I know Dom/mes and subs that do not use safewords. I, on the other hand, will not play with a sub/slave who does not have a safeword. Just because they have one it doesn't mean they have to use it, but they have the choice to do so should they desire and feel the need to. I won't play with someone until I know they have a safeword. Also, some Dom/mes want to choose the safeword, but I have the sub/slave choose it, because s/he is the one who may need to use it.

NBMG

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RE: Safe Word? - 1/28/2012 10:22:11 AM   
DominantHunger


Posts: 57
Joined: 5/11/2009
Status: offline 		SR, I debated on expanding my post to include more situational variances, but decided to keep it short. I do agree with what you said. Just adding a gag can make simple communication out of the question. In some cases, you need to rely on a safe signal instead of a safe word. There are other cases where a safe word is useless - such as when a sub is so deep into subspace they forget they have one, so a Dom needs to pay attention to when a scene needs to be ended even if the sub is screaming "More! More!". My point is just because you don't have the red/yellow/green or whatever other cliche safe word established does not necessarily mean you are playing unsafely. If nothing has been done to establish a safe word, and you are not playing the no-means-yes game, then every word of protest is a safe word.

For myself, with a sub I've never played with before, I ALWAYS start with the red/yellow/green cliche AND I stop for any other word of protest. I won't play the no-means-yes game with someone I don't know well and will fully discuss the implications of falling back to only responding to a safe word before it happens. Since everyone is different, I will likely modify how safe words are handled as I get to know someone better.

I think the theme of the tread is there is no one right answer, be aware of yourself, be aware of the situation, and make appropriate decisions to minimize risk.

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My mind has wandered, from the straight and narrow.
My mind has wandered from the flock, you see?
My mind has wandered, the man just said so.
My mind has wandered, I heard it on TV.

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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Safe Word? - 1/28/2012 10:43:48 AM   
MissToYouRedux


Posts: 867
Joined: 1/23/2010
Status: offline 		Having a safeword gives *me* more freedom. I can do whatever I want; the onus is on *him* to tell me when he can't deal with it anymore (whatever the "it" is; I have occasionally been surprised as to what's triggered its use. lol)


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RE: Safe Word? - 1/28/2012 1:31:30 PM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissToYouRedux

Having a safeword gives *me* more freedom. I can do whatever I want; the onus is on *him* to tell me when he can't deal with it anymore (whatever the "it" is; I have occasionally been surprised as to what's triggered its use. lol)

This. ^^^ I told someone I can't go any further w/o him having a safeword. He would say "Stop! Stop!!" and then be disappointed when I did. A safeword tells me "REALLY stop" and doesn't say stop when he means go.

NBMG

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RE: Safe Word? - 1/28/2012 6:22:40 PM   
HisPet21


Posts: 395
Status: offline
quote:

Everyone has a safeword.

"I hate you! You are slime! Let me up this instant, I am out of here!"

You see how that works? There is simply just no such thing as not having a safeword.


Totally agree, hahahahah!

quote:

Also, if I were a Dominant (which I very much am not) I would NEVER play without establishing a safeword. It's not that I don't trust myself. But if there are two people in a room, I think we both share responsibility around the issues of safety and consent, regardless of what the power exchange is.


Nailed it, princess. I love resistance play, and I very much enjoy the fear aspect of play. I like being scared. So "No" or "Stop" or any other form of begging really doesn't work for me. I also find that a safe word is just a smart idea for three main reasons. First, my dom is still new to BDSM and when we first started playing, he was very wary of pushing me, because he was afraid of pushing me too far. I think my having a safeword gives him the freedom to push harder, because he knows I have a means of stopping the action if things get too intense. Secondly, a safeword enables a sub to take some responsibility for herself and her own safety. A sub is just as responsible for the safe execution of play as the dominant is. Hey, I may be a submissive, but I'm not lazy! Finally, no offense, but doms aren't gods. As well as a dom may know you, there will always be some situation or circumstance that he will be unprepared for, and if you have no means of immediately communicating a problem, both the dom and the sub could be in serious trouble. That situation may never arise for some couples, but it is there. Better safe than sorry.

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RE: Safe Word? - 1/28/2012 6:44:15 PM   
njlauren


Posts: 1577
Joined: 10/1/2011
Status: offline 		This is another question that depends on the people and situations involved. I personally think safewords are important when playing with people who you don't know well, haven't played with before, especially when the activity is on the more intense side. When I have played without safewords it is with people who had played with me, knew where I was by reading me, and also quite honestly could tell when I was really in distress, but that takes someone who knows you well enough to figure that out.

I agree with the poster who said after a while that safewords often become not needed, simply because the people involved know each other too well to really need them, that describes how I have gotten inside relationships. Actually, in one way relying on safewords alone is not enough, even when playing with someone you don't know, the top has to be able to look for signs of distress and such and make judgement calls (and again, depends on the type of play here, hitting someone with a light flogger is unlikely to trigger an emergency, bondage and heavy play could...). because as people have mentioned, subs go into subspace and sometimes may not realize they are in trouble, they are flying so much. When I was in a BD/SM relationship we really didn't have a safeword, and one time were were doing some pretty intense play and I was in subspace and didn't notice that I was losing feeling in my extremities (a knot was cutting circulation), my domme was observant enough to see my limbs were moving weird and stopped and cut the ropes.....

I don't think safewords are the be all and end all but I think for many people they should be in place, until they get to the point where the signs and signals are enough to cause the dominant to pull back from a sub/bottom that is having problems/reaching real limits.

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RE: Safe Word? - 1/28/2012 6:56:35 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I've never had one in any relationship. I just use plain old English and then let him decide if it's valid or not. Then again I'm in a relationship with him and I trust him with my life.


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RE: Safe Word? - 1/28/2012 6:57:53 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		So an asthmatic shouldn't have a way to stop a session and get their medicine?
Because it isn't just about too much pain. It's to indicate that there's a problem which can well be physical or emotional.

I have a gesture which is essential that he watches for, and we've been together 9 years now. Since I'm usually gagged, I can't say to him that my wrist has no feeling. I need a way to indicate distress. His knowledge of my tolerance has nothing to do with my foot cramping, or my stomach for that matter.


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RE: Safe Word? - 1/28/2012 8:17:40 PM   
shylilbear


Posts: 125
Joined: 11/25/2011
Status: offline 		I've never had a safeword, but Daddy insists that I have one, so I'm getting more used to it. There are a few reasons I've now used one until now. The first Dom I played with we never even talked about safe words. I realize now that was incredibly stupid and dangerous. Thankfully he wasn't the type to beat the shit out of a too trusting sub.

After that I didn't play with anyone for awhile, simply because the opportunity never came up. Then a Master I had moved in with me, and instead of allowing me a safe word, he said I had to beg for mercy. The problem with that was that he didn't always grant it. The last Master I had listed having a safeword and signal as one of his rules, but we never really talked about what those would be. Since we wound up never meeting it was ok, but I know if we had met we would have established one.

Daddy is not very sadistic, but he still has established a safeword with me, and he's been working with me to get me used to using it. He would never drive me to the point of forgetting to use it though. Actually, he wouldn't have to since so far I've done a perfectly good job of forgetting all on my own simply because I'm not accustomed to using a specific word lol. He says that after he gets to know my limits and reactions better then a safeword won't be needed so much, but it will still be in place for those times when the un-observables come up. Those pesky things like numb limbs, or a cramping muscle that's threatening to make me scream louder than anything he would ever do to me lol.

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RE: Safe Word? - 1/28/2012 9:43:12 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		We've been together 12 years and I still have a safeword. His goal is to push me to yellow.

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RE: Safe Word? - 1/29/2012 8:40:01 AM   
BootyBoy


Posts: 108
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline 		It's true that IN SOME CASES the explanation from those not using a safeword is that, "We don't play that way." And really if all you're doing is hand-to-butt spanking without gags, blindfolds, or restraints, then you probably don't need them. BUT if there is even a chance of your ever moving into heavier kinds of play, then then it's a good idea to develop the good habit of using a safeword, even when you think you won't need it.

The safe phase that always works is "I think I'm having a heart attack," but you may only get a chance to say it once.

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RE: Safe Word? - 1/29/2012 7:02:32 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5170
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		We're been together for 6 1/2 years.  Red, yellow, and green can still be used if there is a need.  He trusts that I'll safeword if I feel a need, and I trust that he'll stop and figure out what's wrong if I safeword. 

I "could" just yell that I'm having a cramp in my right thigh, however, when I do get cramps I can't talk well enough to explain all that.  About the only thing I can do is yell "red" and moan in pain.  Knowing me and asking the right questions that only require head nods are how he figures out what the problem might be. 

Personally I don't know anyone who plays without a safeword.  At every event I have attended a safeword is a must.  At events "safeword" is the universal safeword.  Yell "safeword" at an event while playing with that Dom you just met a couple hours and and who doesn't believe in safewords.  The DM will be stopping his play momentarily. 

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RE: Safe Word? - 1/29/2012 8:16:35 PM   
MercTech


Posts: 3706
Joined: 7/4/2006
Status: offline 		In my mind, there should always be a safe word... if not for the scene, for emergencies...

i.e.  Diabetic feeling blood sugar drop.  Abdominal pain... gall bladder or appendix attack.

I once saw a person bound to a pillion start screaming in agony before any play began, he was suddenly in agony passing a kidney stone.... ambulance ride for that one.

Yep, there are other reasons besides trust issues to have a safe word to terminate a scene.

Then there was H---, we were supposedly using the light system.. green, yellow, red... and she suddenly is screaming "pink"....

I started giggling and stopped.. when she got her breath back she was able to answer my "WTF" query... "It hurt to much but I didn't want it to stop so I yelled 'pink'"



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RE: Safe Word? - 1/29/2012 9:29:28 PM   
Winterapple


Posts: 1343
Joined: 8/19/2011
Status: offline 		FR
I think it's a good idea to have a word and a
gesture. Especially, if there's a health issue like
diabetes or asthma or panic disorder.
Of course, there are times you forget all
words and that you even have a body.

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RE: Safe Word? - 1/30/2012 6:50:49 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		See also: Salon.com Article: When safe words are ignored

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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Safe Word? - 1/30/2012 8:00:46 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Obviously there are unsafe players who will ignore a safe word. They only get to do that once and then the other person won't play with them again (hopefully). However the op was specifically asking about long term relationships where the top has a great deal of experience reading the bottom.

And my comment stands for that situation. He knows my pain tolerance and my body language but he isn't a mind reader and can't know when I need to get to the bathroom asap.


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Profile   Post #: 40
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