Casteele
Posts: 655
Joined: 12/10/2011
From: Near Sacramento, California, USA
Status: offline
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Personally, I think the focus should be taken off the "safeword" and placed on "communication." In most groups I've been around, the term "safeword" is a catch-all, and is not something that is a literal, nor is it a way out, nor is it necessarily a word. It's something that when two people engage in each other, whether vanilla or extreme, there's a mutual agreement that there is some way to communicate that an exceptional emergency or unexpected condition has arisen that needs immediate attention. I think it's just as much for both sides of the coin, too. I know when my sadistic side starts coming out, I can enter a zone where I cannot be 100% certain that I am clearly and objectively observing and judging everything around me. I'm a dominant.. but still a human being, not an omnipotent god.
For me, the thing which really needs to be discussed beforehand is whether or not a formal safeword is needed, or if normal communication will suffice. It's not the safeword itself that matters so much as the act of prior communication and understanding of the terms and limits. However, I always insist that there be *something*, some kind of cue that will instantly alert me that something is wrong or needs my attention. Whether it is that she has to go pee, or that a burglar just crawled through the window behind me and is about to stab me in the back--Both of which are things that no matter how well I can read her, I cannot claim it is infallible and perfect. I might misread her squirms and struggles to be signs of pushing her limits but still "safe" and enjoyable, or the look in her eyes to be the thrill of having her boundaries pushed rather than trying to alert me about the guy behind me.
To me, a "safeword" is there, and used, only for those kind of purposes. As someone else mentioned, it's like a fire extinguisher or first aid kit--You hope it never needs to get used, but you're realistic enough to know that reality happens. Remember (or at least know about) the Titanic? Well, I don't ever want to be remembered the same way.
As for those who poo-poo having a safeword as little more than a wimpy escape, I hope you'll reconsider that stance. Not whether or not you want one in place, but just the view about what it should be there for. It shouldn't be there for that (wimpy) purpose, and frankly, if I'm with someone who does use it that way, that would deserve punishment, up to and including me walking out the door and never being with them again. But there should be something in place to alert the other that something is amiss that they may not be aware of. And, IMO, it should work both ways; The "safeword" should also be a signal that if the dom says it while the sub is in "subspace", should instantly bring her back down to earth and become more alert to her surroundings.
JMNSHO
(PS: Switch him with her where appropriate--Sorry, it annoys me that it's so hard to write in a gender-neutral manner at times :-P)
ETA: To underline and clarify some of my thinking, look back at the OP.. They have not returned to post more, so now some are thinking the OP just came here to basically brag "I've do not need a safeword, look how cool I am!" I think that kind of thinking is foolish dangerous. I'd much rather hear him brag about how he's always had a safeword, but even when it got really tough, he still did not use it because it wasn't a truly urgent situation, such as the house on fire while he was tied down and immobile.
< Message edited by Casteele -- 2/23/2012 7:51:54 PM >
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RE: Safe Word? - 
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