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RE: cant handle poly - 2/4/2012 5:59:15 AM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

You are talking to the wrong people... and don't compromise... if its not for you, then its not for you.. just make that clear up front and engage with people who want what you want...

there's nothing wrong with monogamy...

I wonder if you're only meeting men online -- that might be it... I've found sometimes that folks online have a fantasized view of this world... and I find face to face, offline, a lot more folks are interested in monogamy... not all of course.. but the percentage seems to be higher...

if you haven't.. find some groups in your area and make friends... start your search there...

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to blondiesubmits)

Post #: 21

RE: cant handle poly - 2/4/2012 6:39:44 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: blondiesubmits

I feel almost weird becuase so many men tend to want me to sign up to be one of a group of subs. I'm stuck here and can't get past it. I get the impression from prospective Doms that I am expected to stay quiet on this subject and am offered little understanding and support by them. Interest fades, emails are not returned etc, after I've asked for support and clarification from the Dom. Once I simply asked a Dom to help me figure out how to deal with this. But didn't even comprehend what I was asking from him. What I need is to be able to explicitly trust my Dom and be secure in the relationship and THEN maybe add another, but I just can't join into being one of many or even two. I have also asked a Dom did he expect me to have multiple Doms as well? I was answered with shock and anger. I get the paradox in such an idea as its this would cuase multiple conflicts so that's not the point. The point is the idea of being someone's one and only girl doesn't seem to popular with the men I've met in this lifestyle. And it narrows ky search immensely.

Any Dom who gives you the feeling that they expect things and you're to just accept whatever and sign on for the ride isn't a Dom you should be interested in - so let them go. They'll find their insta-sub somewhere else, or maybe never- it's not your concern. Why worry about what these guys want if it doesn't match up with what you want? There has to be a place where the two of you mesh, if there isn't then keeping looking for the one who does.

Your needs are important, you are entitled to them, don't feel like you're supposed to throw them out the window to adapt to what others want. If someone doesn't seem interested in what you want then you know it's not going to work....on to the next one. How can any kind of relationship last more then 10 minutes if the people involved don't get what they need? So what if your idea of being the one and only isn't popular, it doesn't have to be. Keep on trucking till you find someone who thinks the same way. No one here has to conform to a bunch of standards, we're all allowed to want what we want and do what we want to do. Being submissive doesn't mean you instantly conform to whatever your Dominant says - you also are a human being with your own wants and needs or why else would you do this?

I'm monogamous, I was contacted by poly people and I just told them it wasn't a good match for me. I found a monogamous Dom, we're happy together. If he didn't meet my needs I wouldn't be with him. It can happen, sometimes it takes while, give it some time. Maybe Dom #367 is going to be the one, won't you be glad you waited to meet him rather than be in a poly relationship with Dom # 11 and be miserable?

(in reply to blondiesubmits)

Post #: 22

RE: cant handle poly - 2/4/2012 6:45:18 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Madame4a

You are talking to the wrong people... and don't compromise... if its not for you, then its not for you.. just make that clear up front and engage with people who want what you want...

there's nothing wrong with monogamy...

I wonder if you're only meeting men online -- that might be it... I've found sometimes that folks online have a fantasized view of this world... and I find face to face, offline, a lot more folks are interested in monogamy... not all of course.. but the percentage seems to be higher...

if you haven't.. find some groups in your area and make friends... start your search there...

The underlined above is very true. People come to this computer site and it seems so easy....just fill out a few empty spaces on a form and voila! Instant BDSM! What guy wouldn't say "I'd love to have many sexual partners!", he thinks he's filling out a wish list here, and when he's done the result will appear. It's not like that. Let the dreamers go on their way and find the one who is grounded in reality and by all means, get out into real life stuff.

(in reply to Madame4a)

Post #: 23

RE: cant handle poly - 2/4/2012 8:02:04 AM

SpiritedRadiance

Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: shylilbear

Good evening blondie. After reading your profile I have two suggestions. The first is that if you really are not into poly, you should say that in your profile. As wonderful as Dominant types can be, none of them are mind readers. You need to elaborate a bit more as to what you're looking for, what you have to offer, and what you're not interested in.

My second suggestion.......slow down!! I understand the wide eyed excitement of being new to all this. You want to find your Dom, and you're so eager to please that you're hooking up with whoever wants to claim you. That is the impression I get after reading your journal. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being eager to please, but one of the first things that a lot of new subs need to learn is that when you're talking to potential Doms, you have every right to say no to anything you aren't comfortable with. You don't have to submit to a Dom just because they show interest in you. Take your time getting to know someone before submitting to them and you'll find yourself being a lot less disappointed.

I state in my profile in bold letters im not into poly, i still get about 10 messages a week from either the sub or the dom asking me to join their relationships having this disclaimer doesnt change most of the people who will message subs..

For that to work Doms are going to have to read profiles.. which isnt all that likely...

OP Take a breath and just be upfront when its mentioned...

Its not for you, and that you arent compatible... and Please for the love of all thats holy dont fall for the "well i can be monogamous.... if your what i need line " It translates too.. "Ill be monogamous for a while then tell you you dont meet my needs and then try to bring up poly again"

_____________________________

"Theres nothing in life like the feeling of cool leather sliding over your skin, the tears that fill your eyes as you realize someone else thinks you deserve it even if you havent reached that conclusion yet"- Forever to remember 11/5/11

(in reply to shylilbear)

Post #: 24

RE: cant handle poly - 2/4/2012 8:13:16 AM

blondiesubmits

Posts: 12
Joined: 12/10/2011
Status: offline

Yeah I've thought about going to a munch too and I will.get up.the guts and go at some point. My movement is limited though and.its very difficult for me to go out. Everywhere I read that I need to seperate the "fakes". At first I didn't get it, but now its becoming abundantly clear to me what that means. I AM hardwired to please, I've always.struggled with trying to "become" what someone wants me too. I've decided to dig in my heels and go in for the long haul. Its gonna take as long as it takes to find someone that matches me. No settling, its just hard when its already been 36 years....
I wish I had found you people earlier, I would've saved myself some unnecessary drama.

(in reply to SpiritedRadiance)

Post #: 25

RE: cant handle poly - 2/4/2012 8:14:42 AM

blondiesubmits

Posts: 12
Joined: 12/10/2011
Status: offline

P.s I'm a newbie yes, but not vanilla. Can't figure out how to change that. Doing all this from a phone is frustrating.

(in reply to blondiesubmits)

Post #: 26

RE: cant handle poly - 2/4/2012 8:20:15 AM

SilverBoat

Posts: 257
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline

Yeah, there's a whole tangle of stuff involved in open-, poly-, mono-, etc relationships, and it's not just in the dom-sub context, but personal, sexual, commercial, etc.

I'd agree with many of the comments posted already, even if that ticks-off the predatory sorts who lie, conn, browbeat, whatever, because they want to control a harem of women. Often, their claim of 'poly-' really means "bully." If you dig into their psyche, you'll find that they justify their behaviors as the social aspect of 'biological-imperative'; the more cows in their herd, the more 'successful' they are (according to their take on evolution, etc). That whole thing goes on in 'vanilla' contexts too, and it's not unique to lizard-brain male 'Doms' ...

That said, there are other people and groups of three-somes, four-somes, and more-somes for whom the personal-bondings of relationships are truly more open, multiple, flexible, even simply opportunist. Sure, some people in those groups might argue that insistence on monogamy can be (or is) due to insecurity (watch out for that, it's redflag-ish), but there are lots of severally or openly, sincerely polyamorous people too. I was fortunate to meet a couple of women like that, a decade ago, and they changed how I viewed such matters.

The thing to keep in mind, perhaps, is how you fit or might fit into all that, and whether you are a) truly monogamous-only, b) monogamous plus 'play' partners, c) monogamous plus approved 'open' flings, d) possibly triad-(or more-ad)-amous, e) pair-bonded ethical (or unethical) slut and rake, f) some combination or permutation of the above, or g) one of the breeders in a human-herd.

When you've figured that out (and it can change with time and experiences) about yourself, then you'll need to figure out whether the 'Doms' with whom there is some mutual interest are being sincere and honest about where they are on all that. Sure, that can be a tough task, because the nastiest predators have had lots of practice at lying, conning, etc. The best advice on that is that you're not the exception to the red-flags, and to take things slowly, very slowly. And you really should meet folks in person, in groups, go to munches, classes, etc, there are several in your area.

As Janah and Steven mentioned, real polygamy can be very difficult to sustain. Three people can have four times the conflicts that two might. All of the people involved really have to be 'into' each other, otherwise it's lopsided and really doesn't work as equal-valued partners.

If the poly-thing isn't for you, then keep that as a hard-limit up front, but be aware that insisting on exclusivity in just talking or meeting people can be two-way bottle-neck, on both sides, to finding compatible partner(s).

SB

(in reply to blondiesubmits)

Post #: 27

RE: cant handle poly - 2/4/2012 8:25:05 AM

SilverBoat

Posts: 257
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline

PS:
The vanilla thing will change itself when you've made more posts to the boards. Look at the FAQs in the AA section.

(in reply to blondiesubmits)

Post #: 28

RE: cant handle poly - 2/4/2012 8:31:49 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

You aren't set up for poly. Many of us aren't. What you need to do is establish strong boundaries. So if the guy's profile says he's poly, then don't respond to him. If he brings it up after three emails, tell him you're not compatible and good bye.

It doesn't matter if most doms want poly because you aren't searching for most doms. You're searching for one with whom you are compatible.

And actually there are probably more monogamous guys than poly out there. But the poly ones are more aggressive in their search because they get turned down all the time. Just ignore them.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Buzzzz)

Post #: 29

RE: cant handle poly - 2/4/2012 8:59:25 AM

blondiesubmits

Posts: 12
Joined: 12/10/2011
Status: offline

Ok yeah and to JanahX and FrostedFlake, yes, I made a smartass comment. Then realized JanahX was absolutely right and edited my first entry. Humble apologies....

(in reply to Buzzzz)

Post #: 30

RE: cant handle poly - 2/4/2012 11:00:15 AM

searching4mysir

Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: blondiesubmits

P.s I'm a newbie yes, but not vanilla. Can't figure out how to change that. Doing all this from a phone is frustrating.

The vanilla ice cream cone is tied to the number of posts you have. The more you post the more quickly it will change.

(in reply to blondiesubmits)

Post #: 31

RE: cant handle poly - 2/5/2012 11:13:35 AM

OttawaBeowolf

Posts: 4
Joined: 10/2/2010
Status: offline

Hello, i came across this via the scrolling thing side of the page, and i dont normally answer but i think my own personal experinces may assist you.

I have never been poly nor open to the idea, however after meeting my recent babygirl she introduced me to her way of love. and with it i was changed, now my wife and i seek which we do not get from each other based off this note.

I hope this helps

I'm allergic to anything conventional. My vision of love has, litterally, no boundaries.

Most people, I suppose, would classify love in 3 groups. Family love, Friendship and True Love.

I, for myself, don't believe in True Love. I think love is a matter of compatibility and communication.

It's not that I don't believe in love. I just see love in a way larger perspective. I see no reason to put barriers on this feeling. If I say I love you, it's because I love you. Not because I want to move in, or because I want to get married, or because I want babies, or anything creepy. It simply means I love you. Love should not be a scary thing. It's a feeling. Hard to admit, but I'm a big romantic in my own way =)

I love my mom, I love my friends, I love my sex partners, each relationship with each person is different. Friendship, to me, is a necessary part of love.

Hence why "exclusivity" makes no sense to me. Loving my mom doesn't threaten my relationship with my closest friend. Because it's a different relationship, and a different love. Same for each one of my friends, whether I have sex with them or not. A relationship can't threaten another. It can only threaten itself.

Jealousy or lack of respect is destructive. Not freedom, trust and love.

Of course not all relationship are equal. Some are brighter, more passionate, some are tiny and growing, some are deeper and quiet, but they're not to be compared or feared. Simply to be balanced.

I tried to be a vanilla conventional conservative person for too long. I'm a wild lil tiger, can't bring myself to "belong" to anyone, can't love only one person, can't be comfortable with exclusivity.

The way I am might be hard to understand and is not for everybody. It might change, I don't know the future. But this is who I am today and feeling in balance with it, for the first time in my life =)

It's not quite free love, not quite polyamory, I don't know if any labels or classification actually exists for this vision.

(in reply to SpiritedRadiance)

Post #: 32

RE: cant handle poly - 2/5/2012 1:32:44 PM

ModTwentyOne

Posts: 2504
Status: offline

Off-topic posts have been removed. Please stick to the topic and the OP's situation. Thank you.

_____________________________

If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

(in reply to OttawaBeowolf)

Post #: 33

RE: cant handle poly - 2/5/2012 7:16:04 PM

Duskypearls

Posts: 3561
Joined: 8/21/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OttawaBeowolf

Hello, i came across this via the scrolling thing side of the page, and i dont normally answer but i think my own personal experinces may assist you.

I have never been poly nor open to the idea, however after meeting my recent babygirl she introduced me to her way of love. and with it i was changed, now my wife and i seek which we do not get from each other based off this note.

I hope this helps

I'm allergic to anything conventional. My vision of love has, litterally, no boundaries.

Most people, I suppose, would classify love in 3 groups. Family love, Friendship and True Love.

I, for myself, don't believe in True Love. I think love is a matter of compatibility and communication.

It's not that I don't believe in love. I just see love in a way larger perspective. I see no reason to put barriers on this feeling. If I say I love you, it's because I love you. Not because I want to move in, or because I want to get married, or because I want babies, or anything creepy. It simply means I love you. Love should not be a scary thing. It's a feeling. Hard to admit, but I'm a big romantic in my own way =)

I love my mom, I love my friends, I love my sex partners, each relationship with each person is different. Friendship, to me, is a necessary part of love.

Hence why "exclusivity" makes no sense to me. Loving my mom doesn't threaten my relationship with my closest friend. Because it's a different relationship, and a different love. Same for each one of my friends, whether I have sex with them or not. A relationship can't threaten another. It can only threaten itself.

Jealousy or lack of respect is destructive. Not freedom, trust and love.

Of course not all relationship are equal. Some are brighter, more passionate, some are tiny and growing, some are deeper and quiet, but they're not to be compared or feared. Simply to be balanced.

I tried to be a vanilla conventional conservative person for too long. I'm a wild lil tiger, can't bring myself to "belong" to anyone, can't love only one person, can't be comfortable with exclusivity.

The way I am might be hard to understand and is not for everybody. It might change, I don't know the future. But this is who I am today and feeling in balance with it, for the first time in my life =)

It's not quite free love, not quite polyamory, I don't know if any labels or classification actually exists for this vision.

I absolutely love all you wrote here. Prior to the present moment, I would never have considered poly, but am now of the same mind and heartset as you. The more open my heart and mind is, the more people I have room for.

< Message edited by Duskypearls -- 2/5/2012 7:17:33 PM >

(in reply to OttawaBeowolf)

Post #: 34

RE: cant handle poly - 2/5/2012 7:54:33 PM

blondiesubmits

Posts: 12
Joined: 12/10/2011
Status: offline

I like the idea of it, that's why I put that I can't handle it. I have changed since my last relationship. I feel less confident, and helpless in a way. I think I can't handle any lovers at the moment, I am so insecure! And that's not me... That's where I am right now. I dont like it, but had to admit the truth of it to myself and whoever I have been talking to. I need my confidence back.

(in reply to Duskypearls)

Post #: 35

RE: cant handle poly - 2/5/2012 8:52:28 PM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

Sunny Quote of the Day
goes to
little6
for
A dom who won't help a sub who asks for help or clarification
is not a Dom
http://www.collarchat.com/m_4022676/tm.htm

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to little6)

Post #: 36

RE: cant handle poly - 2/5/2012 9:32:30 PM

OttawaBeowolf

Posts: 4
Joined: 10/2/2010
Status: offline

being in the bdsm community as well my wife is in the pagan community i have witness poly and i was always turned away drama fighting unrest, just felt wrong, but after learning this way it changed, my wife and i are completely open now and we seek what we do not get from each other cased on this idea.
since we both are Dom'mes we seek out subs of the softer nature, but then the concept of a open married man becomes the problem not being poly, most cant handle the idea of sharing, and it returns to greed of time

feel free to massege me or contact me for more concepts or ideals on this

Beowolf

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 37

RE: cant handle poly - 2/6/2012 4:16:22 AM

LillyBoPeep

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline

Characterizations of monogamous people as "greedy" or insecure or limited, those ideas really arenn't helpful. Some people really just aren't interested in poly and should be free to be different without having their motives called into question, or their characters belittled in such a way. There are lots of nnegative things a person could say about someone with lots of sexual partners, but what benefit does that provide anyone? Nothing.
Finding more constructive ways to talk is the first step to increasing understanding.

Anyway, OP, just because a guy calls himself Dominant with a capital D, it doesn't mean he is, ooorr that he's the right fit for you. This often comes down to right fit - and you are certainly within your rights to seek out a person you can really fit with. You don't have to accept poly situations, and I know just as many jealous, destructive, petty poly people as I do mono ones, so no relationship type is going to free people of negative character traits.

There are monogamous men out there,so donn't feel like you have to accept something because the alternative doesn't exist. Alternatives certainly do exist. If these guys can't be bothered to clarify, help with understanding, then that, to me, is a problem. They have no reason to expect anything from you until you agree to sign on with them. :p

You'll find that there are guys who think poly is their evolutionary birthright, or who'll say "a real Master does XYZ" 94 5&36mll berate you with accusations of not being a "real submissive" because you don't agree to everything they say - but these are still relationships at the end of the day, and until you agree to a relatioship with them, they really have no power.

Putting something as a hard limit is usually not enough to stop them from contacting you, unfortunately - they'll then feel challenged to change your mind. :p but just decide what your principles are and stick with them.

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to OttawaBeowolf)

Post #: 38

RE: cant handle poly - 2/6/2012 5:04:02 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep

You'll find that there are guys who think poly is their evolutionary birthright, or who'll say "a real Master does XYZ" 94 5&36mll berate you with accusations of not being a "real submissive" because you don't agree to everything they say

Good screening technique, blondie. If someone tells you that a real master does anything you're not comfortable with, block, delete, move on. Life's too short.

quote:

Putting something as a hard limit is usually not enough to stop them from contacting you, unfortunately - they'll then feel challenged to change your mind. :p but just decide what your principles are and stick with them.

Geez. I would never contact a married woman and try to convince her to leave her husband for me, contact a will-not-relocate woman and convince her to move for me, or contact a lesbian and try to convince her to become straight for me. Too weird, as long as there ARE women that are amenable to what I want. Anyone who would waste time arguing with incompatible women instead of chasing the compatible ones is a dumbshit that can't run his own priorities and shouldn't be allowed to control another person.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 39

RE: cant handle poly - 2/6/2012 6:50:56 AM

xssve

Posts: 3589
Joined: 10/10/2009
Status: offline

Poly is an oversimplification, I liked your response about having multiple Doms, lol, what you're talking about are polygynists, there's such a thing as polyandrism too, and while for the most part it's dominas into that, I run into submissives every so often who like that idea a whole lot, lol.

In fact, it's pretty common, more common than polygyny, hotwives, gang bang girls, etc., it takes a lot of different forms, including prostitution, which is probably the the most common form of polyandry or poly anything really, although we typically consider that a separate and distinct category.

I think what most people around here refer to poly is "polymorphous perversity", which is less limited a definition, basically a bunch of people hanging out and having fun in various combinations, according to their natures, but it's not for everybody, and even if you are interested in trying something like that, you're still going to have to wade through all the wanna-be patriarchs to get to it.

Expressing an interest in polyandry might be a good way to weed those out, lol.

_____________________________

Walking nightmare...

(in reply to blondiesubmits)

Post #: 40

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