RE: cant handle poly

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: cant handle poly

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: cant handle poly

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3]

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: cant handle poly - 2/6/2012 8:14:44 AM

OttawaBeowolf

Posts: 4
Joined: 10/2/2010
Status: offline

Actually i can say this, a sub having multiple dom's will fail as i recently learned the second Dom did the unthinkable and agreed no doing rule. him or me choice.....

myself being married i lost, him being single won, and well losing my babygirl has bee rough. anyhow, poly, its ok to be poly or open in some aspects but some will come conflicts as i have learned.

(in reply to xssve)

Post #: 41

RE: cant handle poly - 2/6/2012 8:32:33 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OttawaBeowolf

Actually i can say this, a sub having multiple dom's will fail as i recently learned the second Dom did the unthinkable and agreed no doing rule. him or me choice.....

myself being married i lost, him being single won, and well losing my babygirl has bee rough. anyhow, poly, its ok to be poly or open in some aspects but some will come conflicts as i have learned.

No reason a multiDom situation will fail more than a multisub. That said, if one Dom makes a "you or him" ultimatum, of course it will fail.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to OttawaBeowolf)

Post #: 42

RE: cant handle poly - 2/6/2012 9:09:36 AM

LillyBoPeep

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline

You can't expressly say it WILL fail just because you had a bad situation. That's like one person eating a bad peach and then declaring all peaches illegal. =p

There was a user here who had a multi-dom situation, and it all worked out quite well because the parties involved knew what they were getting into and everyone agreed to the terms.
That's kinda what you need for any successful relationship -- obviously that other Dude in your former triad didn't agree anymore and made a power play.

Oh well -- other people all over the world will continue to have successful polyandrist relationships, regardless of what you do, Ottawa.

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 43

RE: cant handle poly - 2/6/2012 9:54:01 AM

OttawaBeowolf

Posts: 4
Joined: 10/2/2010
Status: offline

well i tried, invited him into the home had dinner and movies on the big screen and well some people can not handle sharing

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 44

RE: cant handle poly - 2/6/2012 10:03:45 AM

JanahX

Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline

Lilly ... I have been approached on this site numerous times by duel Doms looking for one female sub. It is probably the most tempting fruit on the tree for me. How they came to that prior arrangement beforehand and are looking for that third - I assume is something they already have in place.

Interestingly enough, I have yet to hear about how two male Doms and one female submissive homes work and are successful. Talk about a unicorn situation.

_____________________________

The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 45

RE: cant handle poly - 2/6/2012 10:24:00 AM

LillyBoPeep

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline

There are a couple of them here in NE that I've bumped into -- I'm curious about how the home thing works, too. It's just not a situation you regularly hear about, so it's interesting in that regard.
I'm not poly, just fascinated. =p

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to JanahX)

Post #: 46

RE: cant handle poly - 2/6/2012 1:45:41 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

What I need is to be able to explicitly trust my Dom and be secure in the relationship and THEN maybe add another, but I just can't join into being one of many or even two.

I can't tell if you are adamantly opposed to being poly or just joining an existing relationship. Either is fine.

I'm poly, and when I was looking for a Dom, had this in my profile:

quote:

I'm polyamorous, but need to be the alpha female, so won't be joining established couples. Being "girl bait" is a Hard Limit for me, as are swing clubs.

(in reply to blondiesubmits)

Post #: 47

RE: cant handle poly - 2/6/2012 4:26:37 PM

fucktoyprincess

Posts: 2337
Status: offline

Poly is not a requirement. And I do think there are many Dominants who are not looking for poly. And many Dominants who claim they are looking for poly don't know what they are talking about even remotely (in terms of really understanding how to manage that type of situation).

Just be true to yourself. Be sure you communicate your wants, interests, and needs as clearly as possible in your profile so that you avoid too much interest from the wrong types. And accept that finding a good match might take a while. There is nothing wrong with that.

I would also think carefully about what you put in your blog to make sure it is not sending the wrong signals to people.

_____________________________

~ ftp

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 48

RE: cant handle poly - 2/6/2012 7:32:51 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OttawaBeowolf
Hence why "exclusivity" makes no sense to me. Loving my mom doesn't threaten my relationship with my closest friend. Because it's a different relationship, and a different love. Same for each one of my friends, whether I have sex with them or not. A relationship can't threaten another. It can only threaten itself.

My love for my children doesn't preclude me loving The Man. However, I don't register other men as sexually attractive while in a good relationship. And that's why poly makes no sense to me.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to OttawaBeowolf)

Post #: 49

RE: cant handle poly - 2/6/2012 9:21:29 PM

blondiesubmits

Posts: 12
Joined: 12/10/2011
Status: offline

I'm not sure yet what I am, can't state that until i truly understand what the labels mean. I have had dissapointment recently, yes, but I am discovering more about what it is I need. And as importantly, what I can give. I do tend to morph and change, with the right man, many many things are possible. Whatever I am, or anybody else is, is.what we are. Judging people is a waste of time.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 50

RE: cant handle poly - 2/6/2012 9:59:33 PM

SpiritedRadiance

Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OttawaBeowolf

Actually i can say this, a sub having multiple dom's will fail as i recently learned the second Dom did the unthinkable and agreed no doing rule. him or me choice.....

myself being married i lost, him being single won, and well losing my babygirl has bee rough. anyhow, poly, its ok to be poly or open in some aspects but some will come conflicts as i have learned.

Im part of a Dom/Dom household...where i serve both, Im also in service to two other households in the my local community. None of them have issues with my service or any other doms.
They all understand time is first come first serve, my own house has priority, and my life has priority over all of it..

I am also looking for my own personal dominant and will most likely continue to serve both my household and the other two with out issue.

But Im not poly in the form of a sexual nature...

_____________________________

"Theres nothing in life like the feeling of cool leather sliding over your skin, the tears that fill your eyes as you realize someone else thinks you deserve it even if you havent reached that conclusion yet"- Forever to remember 11/5/11

(in reply to OttawaBeowolf)

Post #: 51

RE: cant handle poly - 2/7/2012 8:51:55 PM

LookieNoNookie

Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Killerangel

I'm sorry. I read this twice and I have no idea what you are talking about.

I read it 3 times and I'm still trying to figure out whether or not she has an automatic or a clutch.

(in reply to Killerangel)

Post #: 52

RE: cant handle poly - 2/8/2012 3:12:40 PM

tiggerspoohbear

Posts: 19141
Joined: 6/27/2010
Status: offline

When I first started out, my first Dom told me I was enough in the beginning. Then he told me I'd make him the happiest man in the world if I let a 2nd "sub-sister" come in with us. Not knowing any better, never having been with a woman I agreed to it because I didn't want to lose him. I found out I am bi-sexual and loved being with her. But he made her the shiny new toy and left me for sloppy seconds, for lack of better wording. She then tried to get me away from him and knew that I wouldn't leave him. She then went to work on him, and I came home one day to find him gone and no answer from her.

I found out later that night that he'd left me for her and they'd established residence at her sister's. I was called everything in the book, demeaned beyond belief and thrown into situational depression the likes of which I've never known. They stalked and harassed me enough that I finally had to go to the police. 3 times before they left me alone. I found out the hard way that I'm not wired for poly. Any Dom who contacts me now is told right up front that I'm monogamous and won't stand for cheating. I want nothing to do with married men, men who say they're separated but *oops* happen to still live with their wives. Or the ones who say their wives don't understand them, are cold fish, are no longer sexually compatible. It's all a big no for me.

I want a friend first, someone I can get to know, see the compatibility, know it's not just about sex. I want someone to have fun with, who'll appreciate me for who I am and accept me, faults and all. I'm not perfect by any means, I don't know anyone who is, but faults are also a two-way street. He won't be perfect either, but we can work with each other if everything else is copacetic.

_____________________________

"RABBIT IS GOOD, RABBIT IS WISE".

"I'm a baaa-aaad pussycat".

(in reply to LookieNoNookie)

Post #: 53

RE: cant handle poly - 2/8/2012 4:50:00 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

How to F*ck Up by Elise Matheson

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to tiggerspoohbear)

Post #: 54

RE: cant handle poly - 2/8/2012 4:52:56 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: blondiesubmits

Don't feel wired and therefore am often dismissed from consideration from Doms. Ok, fine, onto the next guy but poly seems more the norm to me then a monogamous one.

maybe it's the norm... then again maybe it's not..... but regardless... how does it matter for you? Make choices that are good for you... be it living a Monogamous lifestyle or a Poly one.

oh... btw way.. it's been my experience that Poly ones don't do so well on whole... the odds are they fail far more than they succeed.

So.. though you might find it hard to look for that needle in the hay stack of the Monogamous Dom... keep in mind the poly doms are having failure after failure in most cases. We all pay a price for what we want..... If it's what we truly want... the price is not going to be a bad thing.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to blondiesubmits)

Post #: 55

RE: cant handle poly - 4/8/2012 4:52:43 PM

ThePerfect1

Posts: 5
Joined: 2/6/2012
Status: offline

Yeah I get it. The poly thing is complicated. I dont think I could get into that as I want to be the only one at the end of the day. I have encountered a ton of men who want it though and they dont take any accountability for it being okay for them but not okay for you to have the same priviledges. I would be pretty insecure in a relationship like that, I know I would. And they seem to want to rush straight into it after just a few meetings before youve even established trust. I am not game for that at all. Its just not working for me, never will.

(in reply to Buzzzz)

Post #: 56

RE: cant handle poly - 4/8/2012 8:00:48 PM

Alecta

Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: blondiesubmits

I feel almost weird becuase so many men tend to want me to sign up to be one of a group of subs. I'm stuck here and can't get past it. I get the impression from prospective Doms that I am expected to stay quiet on this subject and am offered little understanding and support by them. Interest fades, emails are not returned etc, after I've asked for support and clarification from the Dom. Once I simply asked a Dom to help me figure out how to deal with this. But didn't even comprehend what I was asking from him. What I need is to be able to explicitly trust my Dom and be secure in the relationship and THEN maybe add another, but I just can't join into being one of many or even two. I have also asked a Dom did he expect me to have multiple Doms as well? I was answered with shock and anger. I get the paradox in such an idea as its this would cuase multiple conflicts so that's not the point. The point is the idea of being someone's one and only girl doesn't seem to popular with the men I've met in this lifestyle. And it narrows ky search immensely.

Just because you've bumped into a few toads doesn't mean they are the indigenous species of the pond. And even so, it does not mean you can't hold out for something else!

If the Dom you're talking to can't or won't help you understand what he's asking for, you shouldn't be bothering with him anyway. Poly men building their harems are among the most active seekers, but that does not mean that they take the largest portion of the populace, only that they look the hardest. Don't be discouraged. It is actually more common among the legitimate Doms to be monogamous than polygamous. Harembuilders aren't all that interested in establishing relationships anyway.

(in reply to blondiesubmits)

Post #: 57

RE: cant handle poly - 4/8/2012 9:07:54 PM

Ilayda

Posts: 58
Joined: 9/3/2011
Status: offline

If you like the idea of it but can't handle it, I wonder whether you're someone who has the potential to be poly who simply isn't to that point yet. I know that I wandered around in that area for awhile and then kind of accidentally gained a SO. I don't have a BDSM dynamic with either of them, but I'll say that the only actual issues in either of my relationships for the past year (the length of the shorter one) were unrelated. I feel a little insecure about the open/poly-ness sometimes, but that's different - because the people I'm dating are good at talking to me.

That's key, really. Other posters in this thread have expressed problems they've seen in poly relationships, and most of them are due to an imbalance of attention and lack of respect.

It's perfectly reasonable to be wired for monogamy, but it's also a reasonable reaction to want to stick with it to avoid the problems that can come up in poly. I'm guessing, but I'm getting the sense that your reluctance in regards to poly is an unwillingness of the Doms in question to be supportive of you when things aren't bright and sunny and rainbows, which would be problematic even in a monogamous situation, but becomes amplified in a poly one. Based on the wording of your OP, it seems like you'd be more open to the idea if someone WERE willing to actually help you handle it - which is fully understandable.

All of that said, I'm really just thinking "aloud" here. Do remember that the best course of action is to stay away from it if it makes you uncomfortable, regardless of the reason. Find your happiness, don't try to change unless you WANT to. ;)

(in reply to blondiesubmits)

Post #: 58

RE: cant handle poly - 4/8/2012 9:26:47 PM

DaddySatyr

Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline

I think it comes down to the same matter that we find in D/s or M/s relationships ...

There's no "one true way" to practice polyamory. There are (I would think) millions of polyamorous people that practice their version of polyamory.

I would strongly suggest that if it is something in which you have some interest, take some time to do some self-examination and decide how you want to practice it and then, see if you can find someone whose views match (or come relatively close) to your own.

Good luck.

Peace and comfort,

Michael

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to Ilayda)

Post #: 59

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3]

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: cant handle poly

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3]

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.109