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slvemike4u -> RE: A New Domme (3/23/2012 4:42:53 PM)
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To get away from the cigarette angle(not going so good,but my stress levels are thru the roof,as you shall see)
And return this to the Domme issue.....I seem to be blowing it,we were not exactly perfectly suited in the first place.Her living situation didn't allow for me to serve her there,my living situation didn't allow for Her and I to play at my place...so it was hotel rooms one night a week.
Cept,She works very hard,mid life career changes are like that,I know when I tried to do it I wound up with a broken back(sort of) and facing seven back surgeries....leaving me all this time and a Domme whose working Her ass off.
Not a prescription for a great relationship,sort of ass backwards and upside down.
Than there are my issues...She says I like to play at submission,but I have control issues,I won't let go,in other words...too many fears.
I was an abused child,as such I learned many,many defensive strategies,designed mostly to keep me out of the line of fire from an abusive drug addict alcoholic predator type father,these strategies didn't really work.....I still caught a lot of flak growing up,but I was a kid,what did I know.
Well these same issues,that I learned as a child grate on Her tremendously ,I abhor silence,I assume I'm supposed to fill it up somehow by being a clown(if I could keep my father laughing he wasn't beating me or worse....)She finds it less than amusing,rightly so She points out to me that it is an example of me driving the bus instead of submitting,I realize She is right,but I find it hard to change
She is growing weary of the same discussions over and over....sooner or later She will tell me it just won't work,the thing is I think the world of Her and want it to work oh so very badly...but I just don't know how to do the one big thing She would like me to do.....remove all my masks and just be me.
I just don't know who I am any more,and haven't since I was an eight year old,I am who I THINK those around me want me to be at any given time....life was just simpler learning how to do that than finding out who I was when I was little.
Fuck it,I'm fucked......rant over [&o]
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