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RE: A New Domme - 3/23/2012 4:47:27 PM

LadyHibiscus

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Well, honey, you can't just remake yourself overnight. Maybe choose a behavior that really annoys her and work on that?

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RE: A New Domme - 3/23/2012 5:26:40 PM

blacksword404

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slvemike4u

To get away from the cigarette angle(not going so good,but my stress levels are thru the roof,as you shall see)
And return this to the Domme issue.....I seem to be blowing it,we were not exactly perfectly suited in the first place.Her living situation didn't allow for me to serve her there,my living situation didn't allow for Her and I to play at my place...so it was hotel rooms one night a week.
Cept,She works very hard,mid life career changes are like that,I know when I tried to do it I wound up with a broken back(sort of) and facing seven back surgeries....leaving me all this time and a Domme whose working Her ass off.
Not a prescription for a great relationship,sort of ass backwards and upside down.
Than there are my issues...She says I like to play at submission,but I have control issues,I won't let go,in other words...too many fears.
I was an abused child,as such I learned many,many defensive strategies,designed mostly to keep me out of the line of fire from an abusive drug addict alcoholic predator type father,these strategies didn't really work.....I still caught a lot of flak growing up,but I was a kid,what did I know.
Well these same issues,that I learned as a child grate on Her tremendously ,I abhor silence,I assume I'm supposed to fill it up somehow by being a clown(if I could keep my father laughing he wasn't beating me or worse....)She finds it less than amusing,rightly so She points out to me that it is an example of me driving the bus instead of submitting,I realize She is right,but I find it hard to change
She is growing weary of the same discussions over and over....sooner or later She will tell me it just won't work,the thing is I think the world of Her and want it to work oh so very badly...but I just don't know how to do the one big thing She would like me to do.....remove all my masks and just be me.
I just don't know who I am any more,and haven't since I was an eight year old,I am who I THINK those around me want me to be at any given time....life was just simpler learning how to do that than finding out who I was when I was little.
Fuck it,I'm fucked......rant over

How old are you now? In your 50's? At some point you are going to have to move on in your life and stop living your life like that little kid you used to be 30 years ago. Get some help with it if you need but fix it. Only you can do it. Are you going to be 65 and still whining about your childhood? I wouldn't suffer a 25 year old let alone someone your age. I get it, it was bad. But at some point you have to deal with the past and put it behind you.

You don't trust. I'm sure you try to. But you can't quite achieve it. Until you are able to you will never be owned. How can she truly own you if you hold back.

Stop making excuses for why the relationship will fail and try and help it last.

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RE: A New Domme - 3/23/2012 10:06:40 PM

slvemike4u

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Well, honey, you can't just remake yourself overnight. Maybe choose a behavior that really annoys her and work on that?

The behavior that really annoys her is......me

Nah,I guess it isn't all that bad She is still hanging around,but sometimes after hearing another litany of all my faults the idea of a square peg trying to squeeze into a round hole comes to mind....and the more She tells me of my errors is the harder I try,thereby stepping on my crank all over again as I trip over myself trying to please Her.
Which She than identify's as me trying to drive the bus...and off we go again .

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If we want things to stay as they are,things will have to change...Tancredi from "the Leopard"

Forget Guns-----Ban the pools

Funny stuff....https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNwFf991d-4

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RE: A New Domme - 3/23/2012 10:13:44 PM

slvemike4u

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quote:

ORIGINAL: blacksword404

quote:

ORIGINAL: slvemike4u

To get away from the cigarette angle(not going so good,but my stress levels are thru the roof,as you shall see)
And return this to the Domme issue.....I seem to be blowing it,we were not exactly perfectly suited in the first place.Her living situation didn't allow for me to serve her there,my living situation didn't allow for Her and I to play at my place...so it was hotel rooms one night a week.
Cept,She works very hard,mid life career changes are like that,I know when I tried to do it I wound up with a broken back(sort of) and facing seven back surgeries....leaving me all this time and a Domme whose working Her ass off.
Not a prescription for a great relationship,sort of ass backwards and upside down.
Than there are my issues...She says I like to play at submission,but I have control issues,I won't let go,in other words...too many fears.
I was an abused child,as such I learned many,many defensive strategies,designed mostly to keep me out of the line of fire from an abusive drug addict alcoholic predator type father,these strategies didn't really work.....I still caught a lot of flak growing up,but I was a kid,what did I know.
Well these same issues,that I learned as a child grate on Her tremendously ,I abhor silence,I assume I'm supposed to fill it up somehow by being a clown(if I could keep my father laughing he wasn't beating me or worse....)She finds it less than amusing,rightly so She points out to me that it is an example of me driving the bus instead of submitting,I realize She is right,but I find it hard to change
She is growing weary of the same discussions over and over....sooner or later She will tell me it just won't work,the thing is I think the world of Her and want it to work oh so very badly...but I just don't know how to do the one big thing She would like me to do.....remove all my masks and just be me.
I just don't know who I am any more,and haven't since I was an eight year old,I am who I THINK those around me want me to be at any given time....life was just simpler learning how to do that than finding out who I was when I was little.
Fuck it,I'm fucked......rant over

How old are you now? In your 50's? At some point you are going to have to move on in your life and stop living your life like that little kid you used to be 30 years ago. Get some help with it if you need but fix it. Only you can do it. Are you going to be 65 and still whining about your childhood? I wouldn't suffer a 25 year old let alone someone your age. I get it, it was bad. But at some point you have to deal with the past and put it behind you.

You don't trust. I'm sure you try to. But you can't quite achieve it. Until you are able to you will never be owned. How can she truly own you if you hold back.

Stop making excuses for why the relationship will fail and try and help it last.

Wow,maybe I deserved that....but somehow I don't think so.....I don't think I am living my life"like that little kid" I used to be I was merely stating that I took some things out of that childhood that are still part and parcel of who I am.
Nor am I making excuses for why it will fail....But I do appreciate your coming here and giving me the old "buck it up guy' speech.Now that I have heard that I will be sure to go fix things.
Sheesh,the things some folks can read into a post.

edited to add..I reread my post...and maybe I did deserve that...who the fuck knows.

_____________________________

If we want things to stay as they are,things will have to change...Tancredi from "the Leopard"

Forget Guns-----Ban the pools

Funny stuff....https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNwFf991d-4

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RE: A New Domme - 3/23/2012 10:16:44 PM

mynxkat

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slvemike4u

The behavior that really annoys her is......me
Nah,I guess it isn't all that bad She is still hanging around,but sometimes after hearing another litany of all my faults the idea of a square peg trying to squeeze into a round hole comes to mind....and the more She tells me of my errors is the harder I try,thereby stepping on my crank all over again as I trip over myself trying to please Her.Which She than identify's as me trying to drive the bus...and off we go again .

Ok, I see a few things here. Maybe the two of you just aren't very well suited to each other for a full on relationship. But, she's making things worse as much as you are. She's trying to insist that you give her complete trust and control, and you, judging by your posts, aren't ready to do that.

To make matters worse, the behavior she's using to try to get you to change YOURS is only reinforcing the behaviors she wants you to change. That's a loop that won't produce any winners.

Maybe the two of you ought to sit down as equals and renegotiate your relationship, take a couple of steps back. Plus, seeing a therapist or counselor about your issues from childhood seems a very good idea.

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RE: A New Domme - 3/24/2012 8:34:20 AM

LadyHibiscus

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What Mynxcat said.

We are who we are, and are pasts are what made us. There are some things that we will genuinely never get over. There are other things that we can recognize as hindrances to a better life, and work on. That working never stops for those of us who are damaged.

I don't enter into a relationship expecting to change anyone---isn't that the ultimate vanilla nightmare, marrying someone to change them? Anyone who thinks that they can do that, or SHOULD do that, is deluding themselves.

Who just says TRUST ME and expects it to happen? Trust has to be earned, far more than respect does. People trust me. BECAUSE I AM TRUSTWORTHY. I do seem to give off that vibe, but I keep friends for decades by SHOWING that I can be trusted, not by saying TRUST ME OR ELSE.

You know I had the Bad Feeling about this gal from the get-go, and this kind of thing is why.

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RE: A New Domme - 3/24/2012 9:57:38 AM

slvemike4u

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Okay ,let me try to address a few things here.
First off it's been a rough couple of days,I have stuff hitting me from all sides in my personal life..a few family issues going on,the trouble with my relationship etc ,etc.
So my first post here wasn't the clearest letter I have ever written,nor was my reply to blaksword very well thought out.
Let's deal with my childhood issues,I probably shouldn't have brought them up,the only reason I did was because quite frankly I am self aware enough to understand that this is where some of my personality traits come from.Specifically some of the things that my Domme identified as issues.She is very intelligent and after a couple of exploratory "sessions" She sat down with me and expressed to me things She was seeing concerning my "submission"
She pointed out that I went off to "places" during scenes,that I used little tricks to take myself away...thereby "enduring" instead of actually enjoying scenes.These were discipline scenes,at the time we were both operating under the theory that I was a masochist,after playing with me and observing these things,these tricks of mine She disputed this and asked me where I got the notion that I was a masochist.She further told me that while She observed submissive tendencies I had far too many control issues going on to ever actually submit.
All of these observances of Hers knocked me for a loop....mostly because they rang true....I am not a TRUE masochist,I enjoy playing one...but I do not process pain as pleasure so I had learned little tricks,but I realized these weren't new skills they were old childhood skills......I concentrate on a spot on a wall,I make jokes quite inappropriately ,I speak of needing to find "my center" so that I can stop wiggling away ....all of these little things had in the past made me very endearing to my play partners...some liked the dancing,some thought the joking and the negotiating cute...This Domme realized I was just engaging in people pleasing when I claimed to be a masochist.
So right off the bat I realized this was different,She was different that every other play partner I had ever had.In the past it was Play and Play for Play sake.She asked me if I had ever got anything out of those sessions.I explained that the one thing always missing,the one thing I have been looking for all along was "subspace",I've heard folks talk of it,I've heard about the wonderful high it is followed by the beautiful crash in which one needs to be comforted and held.....I never ,ever experienced it.
Well She told me She would try to get me there,but I was going to have to trust and let go of some of my traits....which led me to the bitching about where those traits come from.
Now blackword told me to get over myself,I'm no longer a little kid so why am I carrying that stuff around....and I was feeling down enough last night to actually let that bullshit pass.
Well Mr.blacksword here is my actual response to you and your comments.....not only did I get over my self a long ,long time ago,not only did I survive a childhood that left scars of unbelievable measure on my psyche ,I thrived,I became a wonderful single father that raised his own child without ever once raising his hand in anger.I took a chain of parental violence and abuse and broke it .I sacrificed for my one and only child,I raised him in the best and most wonderful way any father has raised any kid.....I sent that wonderful young man off to NYU where he graduated Deans List as a double major and did it in 4 years.
In other words blackword,in the only arena I really care about I was , and am a raving success.My son is the finest young man I know and we have a wonderful relationship.My son carries no issues with him,will never need to seek out a therapist to discuss the unspeakable things his father did to him
Does my own life still carry some scars,do I still at 50 some odd years have little tics and habits from my childhood,some trust issues...yeah I suppose I do.I would also suppose that some of your own mannerisms are the result of your childhood...Have you shed all of yours ?

_____________________________

If we want things to stay as they are,things will have to change...Tancredi from "the Leopard"

Forget Guns-----Ban the pools

Funny stuff....https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNwFf991d-4

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RE: A New Domme - 3/24/2012 10:28:46 AM

slvemike4u

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mynxkat

quote:

ORIGINAL: slvemike4u

The behavior that really annoys her is......me
Nah,I guess it isn't all that bad She is still hanging around,but sometimes after hearing another litany of all my faults the idea of a square peg trying to squeeze into a round hole comes to mind....and the more She tells me of my errors is the harder I try,thereby stepping on my crank all over again as I trip over myself trying to please Her.Which She than identify's as me trying to drive the bus...and off we go again .

Ok, I see a few things here. Maybe the two of you just aren't very well suited to each other for a full on relationship. But, she's making things worse as much as you are. She's trying to insist that you give her complete trust and control, and you, judging by your posts, aren't ready to do that.

To make matters worse, the behavior she's using to try to get you to change YOURS is only reinforcing the behaviors she wants you to change. That's a loop that won't produce any winners.

Maybe the two of you ought to sit down as equals and renegotiate your relationship, take a couple of steps back. Plus, seeing a therapist or counselor about your issues from childhood seems a very good idea.

Thank You ...this is actually something that has been playing in my mind quite a bit lately.Here is the problem though,I happen to like Her very much,respect Her immensely and want this to work more than anything.
About the therapist ,been there done that,I get so far along and something stops me.The instinct for self preservation kicks in and I decide I know enough.

p.s. mynx you have mail....LidyHib,give me a few minutes....

< Message edited by slvemike4u -- 3/24/2012 10:38:28 AM >

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If we want things to stay as they are,things will have to change...Tancredi from "the Leopard"

Forget Guns-----Ban the pools

Funny stuff....https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNwFf991d-4

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RE: A New Domme - 3/24/2012 11:01:35 AM

LadyHibiscus

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Subspace.

Mike, I have to tell you that some people NEVER EXPERIENCE IT. Not ever, no matter what. Why, I'm not sure, it's either a brain chemical thing, or we're not triggered by pain. I am not the only one who has sincerely tried. A friend of mine is actually a masochist, and she is IN the moment, all the time. It's one of those things.

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RE: A New Domme - 3/24/2012 11:35:16 AM

LadyPact

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Subspace.

Mike, I have to tell you that some people NEVER EXPERIENCE IT. Not ever, no matter what. Why, I'm not sure, it's either a brain chemical thing, or we're not triggered by pain. I am not the only one who has sincerely tried. A friend of mine is actually a masochist, and she is IN the moment, all the time. It's one of those things.

I haven't really been reading the thread. The last time I commented on it things were going well, so I guess I have some catching up to do. I just kind of popped on to support what Hib is saying here.

She's right in that some people never hit space, top or bottom. My theory on that is brain chemistry. Some people don't have the same kind of endorphin flow as others. I've actually started calling Myself "endorphin lucky" because of the ease that I can get there and the length of time that I stay floaty. However, one of the masochists that I currently play with (and I do mean MASOCHIST) never gets there. He just gets in a good mood, but there's no actual float that goes on. No pupil dilation or any other signs of an actual endorphin rush.

Drop Me a line if you need Me, mike.

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RE: A New Domme - 3/24/2012 1:26:42 PM

slvemike4u

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Hell LP,I have a lot of lines to drop than...cause I need everyone...but some other things have intruded(life...lol) let me do some shit and I will be back here and in your cm mail box....Thanks Ladies ,I do appreciate all of the help...the thing about subspace that has occurred to me.
The thing about leaving the scene though is what I would really like to conquer .... disassociation,while a useful tool to be able to call on as a child suffering abuse....is an annoying trait when it pops up when involved in a voluntary situation/scene... the troubling thing is that till it was pointed out to me I didn't know I was doing it.
In other words I'm not in control of this function of mine...and that bothers me....and Her,this is really what needs fixing.

_____________________________

If we want things to stay as they are,things will have to change...Tancredi from "the Leopard"

Forget Guns-----Ban the pools

Funny stuff....https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNwFf991d-4

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RE: A New Domme - 3/24/2012 1:30:05 PM

LadyHibiscus

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I have a pal that is just a charming man, and he does that too, on purpose. I HATE it to the point where I won't play with him anymore because he's not connect to ME anymore. Damned annoying when you are a needy old broad.

Your issue is not something that you can just repair. SOME THINGS CANNOT BE FIXED, and I am going to say that something ingrained from a long term abuse situation is not going to evaporate. Improve, maybe, over a lot of time. You're not being wilful, at this point "leaving" when someone hits you is like holding your breath when you go underwater, an automatic reaction.

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RE: A New Domme - 3/24/2012 2:28:54 PM

slvemike4u

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What happens to some one when they hold their breathe for a really long time.....lol
Ma'am you have mail.....LP,coming soon.
Ladies,i really,really do thank You all...so very,very much.

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If we want things to stay as they are,things will have to change...Tancredi from "the Leopard"

Forget Guns-----Ban the pools

Funny stuff....https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNwFf991d-4

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RE: A New Domme - 3/24/2012 4:47:20 PM

LadyHibiscus

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Well, you know we've got your six, in spirit at least!

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RE: A New Domme - 3/24/2012 7:21:43 PM

slvemike4u

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I can't tell You how nice that is to hear,and I fully realize it is in nothing more than spirit,none of us actually no each other...but some of you folks no more about me than I would ever dare tell my closest friends.
Right now I am at wits end,I'm trying to make something work that just might not be capable of working and because She insists on it I am currently trying to deal with things that are probably best kept tucked away back in the recesses of my mind,on the other hand She might be right,those deep dark secrets that I keep back there have kept me from really living all these years,kept me from having a clue as to who I really am.
Right now I have no idea,I am on a constant emotional roller coaster,I feel like I am being assailed from all sides and I don't know which way to turn...I've tried one last ,and most brutaly honest communication ,a lot will depend on how that is received....all I really,really know is that it can't and won't be healthy for me to walk around much longer like an open wound.
Shit needs to break one way or the other sooner or later or I will break...it's that simple.Two days max and I will know how this turns out...or I need,for self preservation purposes alone,to run for the hills and break all ties.
All of that might have been a little cryptic,I have been talking to some on the other side they will understand things better...in this forum I can be no clearer....but thank you every last one of you....I really do think the world of all of you

_____________________________

If we want things to stay as they are,things will have to change...Tancredi from "the Leopard"

Forget Guns-----Ban the pools

Funny stuff....https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNwFf991d-4

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RE: A New Domme - 3/25/2012 6:50:05 AM

blacksword404

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slvemike4u

In other words blackword,in the only arena I really care about I was , and am a raving success.My son is the finest young man I know and we have a wonderful relationship.My son carries no issues with him,will never need to seek out a therapist to discuss the unspeakable things his father did to him
Does my own life still carry some scars,do I still at 50 some odd years have little tics and habits from my childhood,some trust issues...yeah I suppose I do.I would also suppose that some of your own mannerisms are the result of your childhood...Have you shed all of yours ?

I'm glad you were successful in raising your son. Good job. But this thread isn't about him. It's about you.

We all have things from our childhood that affects us. Some good and some bad. It isn't a problem until it severely and negatively affects your life. Which it seems to me yours are.

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Tu fellas magnus penum meum...iterum

Genuine catnip/kryptonite.
Ego sum erus.

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RE: A New Domme - 3/25/2012 9:40:44 AM

slvemike4u

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Yeah,that about sums it up.
Only in our last you basically told me(or at least this is how i read it) to buck up and stop acting like a child.
Dime store psychology at it's finest
Thanks for the help.

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If we want things to stay as they are,things will have to change...Tancredi from "the Leopard"

Forget Guns-----Ban the pools

Funny stuff....https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNwFf991d-4

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RE: A New Domme - 3/25/2012 8:55:05 PM

slvemike4u

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A word about some of my friends here,i call them "friends" I've never met any of them...and yet I can not say enough about the level of concern,the care exhibited by some of these Ladies.
So to these ladies I want to say thank You....thank You so very much

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RE: A New Domme - 3/26/2012 7:36:47 AM

LaTigresse

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Mike I am late to the updates.......life, busy, outdoors, lots of fun, hanging with the grands, dogs, spring........etc etc etc.

Manx and LadyH have expressed some of the thoughts that come to my mind. Also, I do wonder if you've put the cart before the horse so to speak. I don't remember how long you've known this woman but it seems to be that both you and she, are asking a level of submission of you that takes a trust that can possibly only be built over a length of time.

I also feel like, and I may be wrong, both she and you, are making demands of you that are rather many and overwhelming. Christ, just the quitting smoking is fucking HUGE. To pile more on top of that, and play that, let's face it, you are not digging but instead enduring, well shit.

I just had a thought, the sadism is being treated as play, you at some level associate masochism as something to endure based upon your childhood. Yet, she is demanding you open up to her completely and trust her. Do you see how counterproductive the sadistic play that you associate with your father is to opening up and trusting?

If I was her, which I am obviously not but........I would immediately cease and desist all sadism and work on building the trust and deep emotional bonds that will allow you to fully open up to her and trust her. You don't and probably won't, as long as there are activities going on that you process the same way you did shit that happened with your father.

For you, a relationship involving S&M may never been a positive one. If she cannot accept that then it might be time to move on.

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RE: A New Domme - 3/26/2012 10:26:15 AM

slvemike4u

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About that LaTige...a long time ago I tried to remove myself from S&M play due to the realization that the origins of my kink were in fact due to my father.
I was miserable,so I looked at it and decided that yeah thats where it comes from,but it is here,it is part of me and what it cane down to(for me) was just how much power would I allow a dead bastard to have on me
I decided he would not have that large a hold on me...I like the play.
She has some issues with how I process it,and wonders whether or not i am really enjoying it.....so for now we have moved our focus off of any corporal play...but i have begged Her not to remove it from the retinue completely .
So what we,or She has decided is we are going to work on some other things,the corporal play is still in Her bag,how often it comes out we shall see.
The cigarette thing was my request,She smokes...i wanted to quit,and asked Her for Her help...so it was me who asked Her to be a part of that process.
Folks most of the problems i have experienced with this relationship are of my own making
I'm working on things and it will,I have every hope get better.

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If we want things to stay as they are,things will have to change...Tancredi from "the Leopard"

Forget Guns-----Ban the pools

Funny stuff....https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNwFf991d-4

(in reply to LaTigresse)

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Post #: 220